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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?      Home login  
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 bekar2012
Joined: 3/2/2012
Msg: 1
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
met a fine lady from here a while back. we hit it off, chemistry, same old yadda yadda yadda...assure you it was a match made in heaven, except for the one reason that compels me to write this question.

I am no jock, just an average joe, but I like to hike, and walk and climb. Physical activity is fun.

She had a slight limp when I met her and she told me it was nothing serious. Over the last few months it became apparent it was serious enough to keep her from long walks, absolutely no hikes on uneven terrain, can't do the climbing. Hip and knee issues, surgeries, physio, painkillers. Dr House without the cane.

otherwise we get along .

She is angry with me for wanting to end this, saying I am making too much out of nothing. I think she is holding me back, preventing me from enjoying my passions. I fear once the honeymoon infatuation is over, I will resent her for not being able to do the physical stuff that I enjoy.
isnt the point of a good relationship being able to do things together? its not like we made vows and got married and 20 years later she got sick.
already it starts, nice weekends, i want to go for a 6 hour walk through the streets of toronto and she is coming up with excuses not to do it 9 she had done short jaunts in the past then complained of being in pain).

What do you think?
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 2
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:07:48 AM
Selfish or not, if that's how you feel, cut her lose and stop torturing her for the things she simply cannot do.
 lightbrownsuga2luv
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 3
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:08:58 AM
I'm thingking of the song by the BeeGee's(i think) "how deep is your love?"

I truly understand you're point, but what about compromise, what are you doing to compromise with her? It appears that you are wanting her to engage in all that you do, but what are you doing to engage in what she likes?

If your love is not deep enough for her to compromise, then you need to get out of it.
She will hold this against you some time down the line, and you the same.

No, you're not married, but are you thinking about it, or is this just a relationship for now?
Yes if you're that selfish enough to end this all because she can't go for long walks or hikes..then move on. However, she might have been the best thing that you could had ever had.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 4
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:09:34 AM
In the dating phase, is when we learn enough about someone to determine long term compatibility. If she cannot join you in your endeavors, and this is something you feel you need and want, then you need to move on so you BOTH can find that compatible person. It is not selfish, it is realistic.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:09:40 AM
Since when does your partner have to enjoy all yours???

My gosh your really digging for excuses to break up with her, aren't you?

My spouse does not enjoy many things I do, including cake decorating, reading murder mysteries, dog training, and a hundred other things.

I think your really digging for an excuse, why not just say it's her limp if that is what it is. I know of NO COUPLES whom both like/ enjoy and do all the same things.... some of them are men who have highly active hobbies like speed racing bikes and cars, none of which any of their wives do with them.
In a relationship it is not required both people do all things together or even enjoy al the same things....... it's common goals and respect that hold couples together, not doing everything together.

FROM NOW ON, date only wmen who enjoy the hiking you do and see how that works for ya ! LOL !!!
because it won't last long if thats all there is.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 6
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:10:23 AM
Compromise, compromise, compromise.

You both seem to be at complete extremes on this one issue. You wanting to do the 6 hours plus, her unable to but damn well trying despite the pain. Who do you think is being selfish ?

If this is a big part of your life, you likely had friends who you met up with before you started dating this lady, who shared your passion. Pick a day and go with them. And on the days you are doing something together, choose something she can manage.

If I found someone who was my match in every way but one, I wouldn't be insisting on them doing something for 6 plus hours knowing it caused them pain ! WTH ? Not every couple shares every hobby. Many people go golfing without their spouse. Fishing, cake decorating, whatever the heck it is. Being a couple does not mean you stop being an individual too. It's healthy to have some time just being you. Go and do your thing, let her do hers and at the end of the day, you can still come back together.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 7
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Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:10:26 AM
You're not a match.

If you cannot engage in your "passions," you feel very strongly about these activities. This will not go away. It does not make you or her a bad person, but you're right, you will both end up feeling resentful, and it's preventing both of you from finding somebody who is a better match.

While I do agree what everybody else has written, and I strongly believe that not all activities need to be shared, if somebody is passionate about spending most of their time outdoors in physical activities, he/she needs a partner who does, too, because otherwise the couple would never spend any time together or one would have to sacrifice their interests for the other.

I guess I'm kind of biased here, because I just had a fantastic six hour hike w/ my boyfriend on Sunday, and doing these types of activities together is really something that makes us happy.

There are certainly activities we don't share, and that's not a problem at all, but not to be able to hike or bike with a partner on a great, sunny weekend really would put a damper on things for me.

What I would do, though, OP, is write a better profile that reflects your passion for these types of activities, so that you can avoid meeting such an obvious mismatch in the future.
 OneGodfather
Joined: 3/4/2012
Msg: 8
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:12:14 AM
Well I guess compromising is out of the question? I mean if she is perfect in every way except she is physically unable to participate in long walks with you.

I think you are being selfish, she physically cant do it, its not that she doesn't want to... she cannot

I know people who are in physical pain and Ive had knee issues in the past and believe me it isn't fun, why not find friends that like hiking and spend time with them doing that and if this woman is a match made in heaven as you say she is, why let a silly thing like that get between you?

Remember she is in physical pain, and until you walk a mile in her shoes, dont be so judgmental, or better yet let her go so she can find someone that will accept her and not judge her.

The more I think about it the more I think you are just looking for a excuse to dump her so why not Man up and let her go instead of being like a selfish spoil brat .

 Angela_Amazing
Joined: 5/13/2011
Msg: 9
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:12:24 AM
I would have to say that you have to re-evaluate why you are with her in the first place. If you can't deal with this issue now, what about the bigger issues that can and do come up?
 Balsamica
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 10
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:12:53 AM
Mismatch.........avid hiker vs. limper?
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 11
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:16:54 AM

Since when does your partner have to enjoy all yours???


I think I'd have to second that, and a woman I would date would be hard pressed to get me to go walk for 6 hours... just saying... I've got other things in life I want to do than to tie up a whole day walking? And I don't even have a 'slight limp'

I mean... you already have all the rest of the yadda yadda with her right? The grass on the other side usually ends up being weeds.
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 12
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:18:41 AM
Maybe she could bike the 6 hours and make you run along side her? lol
 deere rancher
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 13
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:27:21 AM
OP ...can you not find another partner for the physical stuff you like to do .?

I'm sure there still plenty of things you and your girlfriend can do together
gosh, do you two have to be joined at the hip ..??

Or is it really the limp ?..(Dr. House without the cane) ...just can't get over that ? And this physical stuff is just a cover..So you don't have to say whats really bugging you.

Its your life and you know whats makes you happy ... but itwas easy to see this situation coming. ....... So I doubt you expressed such desire for a hiking partner in the beginning
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 14
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:39:14 AM
It is your prerogative to determining your direction in life. If she affects your goals, you should move on.

Selfish? Absolutely not. She should be adult enough to understand this. I wouldn't like it if I were her, but I would understand. Like someone else said, you would begin to resent her for holding you back.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 15
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:52:01 AM
I think she is holding me back, preventing me from enjoying my passions

In her defense.... you were enjoying your passions well before this woman came along, so I'm not sure what she's doing now to hold you back except making excuses to not go on a 6 hour hike all over Toronto. Don't you have a friend with similar interests? Or is this something you were doing alone anyway? You never said she was asking you not to go. "Holding you back?" Please. Quit blaming somebody else who didn't do anything wrong, because you're conflicted about making a decision.

I know there are several things I really love to do, that I would never feel compelled to share with a partner. I am a pilot.... why should I feel put out because some guy I'm dating gets air sick or is afraid to fly? God stay home, go find something else to do. See ya later. Who wants to be attached at the hip 24/7?? Ugg.

On the other hand, if you're going to hang your hat on whether a woman can keep up with you on your 6 hour treks, then that's certainly your perogative and maybe you should have ended this a little earlier rather than asking strangers to validate what you seem ready to do now ANYWAY. Probably a good idea to emphasize that point in your profile to avoid future mutual disappointment.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 16
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Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:57:52 AM
OP I am feeling your just wanting to ditch the girl and trying to find an excuse....

Why keep this to her disability? Maybe you can break up with her over her choice of wine ?
or that she prefers eating salmon to steak?

says tomato, not toma-to ?

Maybe she prefers a white car to a dark color one !.. can you imagine all the serious issues these things could lead to in the future if she has any interests of preferences that do not match yours?

(lol )
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 17
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 9:08:19 AM
Selfish or not, if that's how you feel, cut her lose and stop torturing her for the things she simply cannot do.


There's that. There's also another factor, and that's kind of relating to a level of maturity, or growth, if you will. Granted, a relationship is based on being able to do things together.
....or is it? I think that's a common problem with a lot of relationships, is people trying to find other people similar to themselves, or share a lot of common passions and activitties to do together. Um, scuse me, but if I spend ALL my time with you, I'll end up killing you lol. I think common activities ARE important, but there's a limit. In the beginners honeymoon, everything is always fine and dandy, that's where you start learning about the other person. THAT'S when you decide wether its worth keeping or not, and that's where you find the other person's interest.
So, my point is; who cares if she can't do ALL the physical stuff you enjoy? Does that make her a less good woman, a less viable partner? Are those physical activities the ONLY things you enjoy, the only stuff you've been doing since you started seeing her? You have NO other common interests together than that?
What I mean is, a human being is a lot more, than the sum of interests, likes and activities. I believe firmly letting go of someone because of the things he does, as opposed to the person he/she IS, is a sign of, I dunno, immaturity? I cant find the right word, its not it, lets say lack of growth. Not saying this as a bad thing at all, there's a lot of people who dont think the same way, and that's fine. But its still my opinion.

I think you can work around this, instead of ending the relationship. I have to give the floor to ger on this one, not saying your making much out of nothing, you are who you are, and you have a right. But you might want to think some more and concentrate on how you can solve the problem and the situation without breaking the relationship. IF she means a lot to you. If you dont care, its understandable you flush her. But if it matters...try changing your optic. And telling yourself also thatjust cos she cant do any acxtivities with you, doesnt mean she cant do ANYTHING with you. If your climbing the mountain, I've sure she'd wait at the bottom and be just as proud as if she was up there with you...you know?

But hey, how active can you be? You drink, you smoke, you fart and watch tv...and we may NOT have sex :-P
Anyways, Rock on!
 MaccaFan
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 18
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 9:20:09 AM
You're not looking for long term, so let her go and find someone that can enjoy the hiking, climbing and walking with you. Nothing wrong with wanting someone that can do those things with you, since they are important to you. It's your life.

If you really like her (aside from the "limp") a little compassion and give and take works wonders.

One final thought-I sure hope you never have anything happen to you where you have physical challenges, you might find the tables turned....
 Chrisdan57
Joined: 1/31/2012
Msg: 19
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 9:30:11 AM
You resent her for it already. Do you think you are going to feel better about it in time? I am guessing the longer you go the more resentment you are going to feel. The only difference is that the longer you wait the more trapped you are going to feel. Do yourself and her a favor and find someone that is a better match.
 darthbanker
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 20
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 9:30:26 AM

What do you think?

You could try communicating with her exactly what's going on in your head.
You could walk slower.
You could incorporate strength training into it, like put her in a little wagon and drag her along.
Or you can find someone else.
 Goldentyga117
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 21
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 10:53:41 AM
Of COURSE you're being selfish ! you're looking for an excuse to dump someone who apparently is great in every other way. Stfu big baby it's not all about YOU !

And let's be honest here you're not "hiking" or going on some cool trails and what not you're WALKING AROUND THE GOD DAMNED CITY FOR 6 HOURS !

You just look like a douchebag who's insensitive to her feelings. She PHYSICALLY can't do what it is you want her to do. So what ? big deal if you want to walk around a city for 6 hours do it yourself. I doubt if the roles were reversed that you'd want to talk around for 6 hours with a painful limp. Get over yourself.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 22
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 10:56:04 AM

OP I am feeling your just wanting to ditch the girl and trying to find an excuse....

Why keep this to her disability? Maybe you can break up with her over her choice of wine ?
or that she prefers eating salmon to steak?

says tomato, not toma-to ?

Maybe she prefers a white car to a dark color one !.. can you imagine all the serious issues these things could lead to in the future if she has any interests of preferences that do not match yours?

(lol )



So, if he wants his lady friend to join him, and she doesnt...he should just stay with her because why? He has stated he wants his romantic interest to join him in these particular activities, and seeing as the are day long events (a 6 hour walk is a long day) I think he is correct-not many women are going to want thier fella being gone enjoying his hobby all friggen day, alone. This isnt like not enjoying the same flavour of wine, it is a hobby that takes full days. If he wants a woman who can join him, he is entitled to persue that without being mocked for it. The early phase of dating is exactly for this reason*to see if you are compatible so you dont end up married to someone you will only resent later on.

Now...after marriage vows, you are there for sickness and health...and if a married person was going to walk away because of this, I would agree with this post. However-they are only dating at this point. He is absolutely correct to question whether this can turn into an issue later on.
 Goldentyga117
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 23
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:07:34 AM
Did you even read his post ? because he said in it that she's tried to join him but she has to give up earlier than he wants because she's in too much pain. It's not that she doesn't want to it's that she CAN'T ! That's like me inviting my girlfriend to my kung fu school and then dumping her because she can't handle getting hit while sparring. TOTALLY selfish. If i had really bad knee or leg pain i sure as hell would refuse to go walking for 6 hours wouldn't you ?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 24
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Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:16:45 AM
OP, your title question is the primary error I see in your post.

How someone feels, isn't up to them. Only what they do about it is.

You are neither "right" nor "wrong" to feel as you do.

Also, you can be both selfish, and right at the same time.

In your particular case, were I the "Solomon" at the trial, I would say that your belief that things wont work out, regardless of why, is sufficient reason to end the relationship.

If you were certifiably insane, for example, and were convinced that the fact that her hair could grow past six inches in length meant that she couldn't wear the right hat while you walked down the street together, that too would be enough of a reason to end things.

Were I in your position, I might say next to this woman...

"You are absolutely correct, I am being totally selfish and unreasonable about the physical concerns. But then, that too is an excellent reason for you to dump me, so therefore let's both do what's best for ourselves, and end things."
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 25
Am I being selfish or am i right to feel this way?
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:19:02 AM
Normally I'd say find something else in common and enjoy your time doing this while she does something else; however, hiking, climbing, etc. is a huge and integral part of your life and with her physically incapable of participating in a meaningful way it is probably unfair to both of you to continue on.
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