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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is the point of stating "friends first" in a profile????      Home login  
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 purplepalooza
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 1
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What is the point of stating "friends first" in a profile????Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Funny how so many put that they want to meet someone and become "friends first". As opposed to what??? It seems silly to even put that into a profile. And I also wonder...for those of you who do put that in your profiles...since being friends first is your goal, then that would obviously mean there would be no expectations of sexual activity right?

HA!! Yeah right...friends first...but with all the benefits of actually being in a relationship.
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/20/2012 10:42:26 PM
my theory is guys are mirroring what they read on so many women's profiles.

when a woman writes 'friends first,' what she's doing is setting a sexual boundary. guys mirror that back as a disarming strategy - a way of saying 'i'm not gonna horndog you.'
 ITWYLD
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 3
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/20/2012 11:02:56 PM
Can't say either way, but what I am hearing from guys who have that in the profile......they say they want a chance to 'test drive' a relationship possibility before diving straight into a relationship.

Of course sex is expected!! They like to call it 'various forms of intimacy, you know, like kissing and cuddling.....just to see if we are compatible.'

Uh, huh.

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 3:34:34 AM

Funny how so many put that they want to meet someone and become "friends first". As opposed to what???

As opposed to "just friends", "never meeting", "one night stand" - I could go on. You have seen the word "first" before right? It means something else follows.

Generally it means getting to know someone without the mindset of trying to pair off immediately. For me it means I want to know someone without them trying to impress with the goal of a relationship - it'll happen if it's going to happen. Someone who's doing that can hide things that might be good to know, for starters.

It does have the eventual goal of involvement though (unless the person using it doesn't understand the meaning of it). Unfortunately there can't realistically be a promise that will happen by either side. People who want to know more can realize someone's not a match for them at some point and decide not to go any further. That's life.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 5:22:24 AM
Another oft asked question. Do a thread search on "friends" and "friends first" for all teh answers.

Mostly, it indicates that the person either copied from other profiles they read, or was trying to fend off an onslaught of booty calls.

PS, it doesn't work anyway. Booty callers don't care what your signs say.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 6:04:03 AM

Mostly, it indicates that the person either copied from other profiles they read, or was trying to fend off an onslaught of booty calls.

PS, it doesn't work anyway. Booty callers don't care what your signs say.


Some of the common POF profile phrases:

"friends first" (from a woman) - Don't even think about sex on the first few dates.
"friends first" (from a man) - She'll think I'm not looking for sex, so she'll be more trusting and 'give it up' faster.

"no players" - I'm way too trusting of people and I'm an "easy mark" for a player, I'll fall for all your smooth talk... "all you players, here I am!!!"

... oh heck, too many of those... generally, anything you say "no XXXX" about, is a sign to those who are that thing you don't want that you're vulnerable to them.

You're best bet is usually to avoid all of those type of things, and just be observant.
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 7
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 6:27:34 AM
It simply means I want to be learn to be a friend to you before we have a sexual encounter.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 8
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 7:23:16 AM
It means it's easier to have you in the "friends" zone if you're not the ideal complete package, instead of being told later on that you two can be friends only because you're not "The One".
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 9
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 11:05:17 AM

As opposed to what???


Enemies first?

My opinion has always been that women put it in their profiles to warn guys that there will be no sex on the first date, and men who put it in their profiles are trying to tell women what they think the women want to hear.

 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 10
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 4:59:08 PM
I think you almost got it OP.
You just need to shorten your thought from:
"friends first...but with all the benefits of actually being in a relationship."
to
"friends with benefits"

And trust me,
it means the same when women put that in their profiles.
:-P
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 11
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 7:34:23 PM
I think it means that the person is interested in getting to know someone before they
have sex.
If I had that in my profile I would mean that I'm sick of jumping into bed right off the bat before I figure out whether or not I actually like your personality and know something about your background.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/21/2012 7:37:38 PM
It seems silly to even put that into a profile.

I agree especially since I haven't run across anyone who actually means it.

Some of us have a shitload of life experience and way too many dating experiences and failed relationships based on lust and have decided at our advanced age that the next relationship will be our last.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I'll bet most people have said the exact same thing about every next relationship. You're going to great lengths to say ``jaded and cynical'' in a lot more words than necessary. It would be much easier to just think of a relationship as lasting however long it lasts and not become jaded and cynical when the next one isn't the last. If it turns out to be the last, then great.

I'm one of those weirdos who wants to be able to converse with a guy, enjoy his company,confide in him, know we have each other's backs etc. in short, have a friendship before I have sex. I like the thought that we'll have something to talk about and have some interesting times together when the lust cools down.

I've always had plenty to talk about, so I figured that if a woman wanted to continue talking to me, we weren't going to do the friends first bit. I didn't want to be used for my brain by women who weren't going to sleep with me.
 merry018
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 13
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 3/22/2012 11:32:53 AM
wow. when i say friends first, i mean "don't rush it". i don't like it when someone assumes we are an exclusive couple after a few dates. pretty simple.
 Asakura8
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 14
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/6/2012 5:36:06 AM
My take is friends before lovers creates a better bond, thus making someone your friend first is far better than just going straight into the deep end. closer connection and you know even before that if your right for each over and don't waste time. :)
 Tech-Romancer
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 15
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/6/2012 3:27:01 PM
I say "friends after" (if dating ends up not working out).
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 16
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/6/2012 8:34:09 PM
purplepalooza

men put that when they want a chance with the girl and to get somewhere with her as they think that is what women want to hear. How many guys what a friends first relationship and then get into sex. Usually it is the other way around and only sometimes. FWB is what they really mean lol! this is a dating site, not a friendship club.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 17
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/7/2012 10:12:48 PM
"my theory is guys are mirroring what they read on so many women's profiles"

I agree with this theory. I will leave it to the ladies to explain why they have "friends first" as their profile preference.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 18
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/7/2012 11:01:43 PM
"Friends first" is an easy out. it get's an instant click to the NEXT PROFILE. I do not want to be stuck in limbo with someone who cannot make up their mind . . Too ambiguous of a term.
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 19
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/8/2012 12:12:40 AM
as opposed to fvck buddies first...

I prefer not to sleep with guys I don't know... sex is meant for a committed relationship- so if he's not my BOYFRIEND, he's not getting any. no one becomes a boyfriend on the first date. And before all the guys freak about me wanting to mooch, I am happy to pay for my own meal or coffee, and totally cool with free dates like going to the park to hang out... It's not about getting the guy to wine and dine me... it's about being connected emotionally before making a physical connection.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 20
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/8/2012 8:51:37 AM
I didn't want to be used for my brain by women who weren't going to sleep with me.


Abelian, you're not known here for being a comedian but that was Hilarious !!!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 21
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/9/2012 12:05:28 PM
My last relationship, she and I rushed into it, and didnt take the time to get to know one another, or even hang out with each others friends.

Rushed into what? The 'what' part is important. And FYI, sex doesn't mean there's a relationship just because you've already hung out some. Basically, it means you better not suddenly disappear, and a higher level of respect is expected.

The girl and I have to be able to hang out, get to know each other, go out with one anothers friends as well, and just keep things neutral.

... but ...

Sure, we can kiss, and be affectionate, but no sex until we are in a relationship.

Kissing & affection, a form of intimacy isn't neutral. Friends don't make-out. That's not friends first. Nor does it mean you're just friends "until" something, either, because upon kissing, picking up the bill, etc -- that "something" just happened. Sex, no sex, oral sex, heavy make-out sessions, only just kissing, etc -- no matter how you slice it and dice it, it's not merely/just friends. But any of those by itself doesn't mean you're serious, either.

The heaviness of physical interaction can up the ante some, but it's a side dish to the main course: How much time you spend together hanging out (or dating), frequency of communication, etc.

The "friends first" thing, I believe is derived from situations you can't fake from a matchmaking site: Someone you work with, or a friend of a friend, where hanging out amongst others, you get to know them. The attraction can go up or down as some time passes, but once you both feel you have a mutual attraction and know each other well enough, THEN you'll have a kiss, a date, etc and start seeing each other. People will try to re-create this online, but you can't do that with any affection or kissing if you were to. Coming right off a matchmaking site, it ends up getting weird to try and role-play like that.

In essence, you should say taking it slow -- not being "friends first". Taken straight-up, that means you're JUST friends with a potential for more... but even then, the knowledge that there's potential for more sort of nixes being truly just friends initially -- otherwise, you could hit on a bartender in front of her and she'd have zero room to complain (and could do vice versa).

If you want to take it slow, use the words "I want to date but take it slowly". If you learn to use the words that actually communicate your interests, your life will be exponentially easier.

Damn straight!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 22
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 7:38:01 AM
I don't get the friends first thing.
I don't say it and I'm not interested in anyone that says it to me.

If I were to use this phrase (I'm assuming I've suffered some
life altering trauma), it would mean I'm not all that interested...yet,
but hang in there, maybe you'll grow on me.

No one says this sort of nimcompoopery to someone they really
like and are really interested in getting to know. It goes without
saying (at least to me) that if we are to date and get to know each
other we will naturally become friends and more. (or not, in which
case refer to paragraph 2)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 23
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What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 9:12:14 AM
browneyesboo

I think it is acceptable for older women to use the friend's first line if they have already been married, or come out of a long term relationship. It indeed is understood as taking it "slow" in such scenario.

When younger women use friends first, it pretty much is a purposeful choice to leave a large amount of ambiguity. I don't blame guys that ignore younger women stuck in this gray-ish limbo area. Younger women that state they want to date, but nothing serious I can understand, or want to date but take it slow. Young women that use the friend's first line is a massive turnoff to me.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 24
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 9:21:55 AM
Meh...semantics. If she's into you you'll be knocking boots in short order.

Must be god fearing man - knocked boots.

Let's get to know each other first - knocked boots.

Standard dating site jargon IMHO.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
What is the point of stating friends first in a profile????
Posted: 4/11/2012 1:47:10 PM
The "friends first" bit is used by dyslexic women. When guys date, and at some point is put in the Friends Zone, that's a sign it's game over. Chalk up a loss for the guy. So who wants to start there? The "friends first" is just a game: a guy starts out in the friend zone, plays the game to get to the close friend zone, then to the really friendly zone, and then goes the golden vagina grand prize.

I agree with other poster who pointed out that during the "friends first" zone, if there's any kissing, cuddling, making out, doing everything but having sex, that's not what friends do. It's called foreplay.
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