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 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 1
Life without love/RelationshipsPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
When do you just throw in the towel? What does it take to be happily alone? I ask this because it seems to becoming a reality for me, and I need to learn to come to terms with it. Does anyone else ever feel this way? How does one cope?
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 2
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 3:05:10 AM
When do you throw in the towel?
When you tire of looking and no longer wish to continue.
It becomes a headache and not enjoyable or proving to be NOT worth your time.

what does it take to be happy alone?
liking your own company, having things of interest that you enjoy......... and gratefullness for what you DO have.

There are people who never date or marry... they can have full and well lived lives. Go do and try new things that do not involve dating and find things you like to do, get some hobbies or interests to focus on. Life is full of wonder and amazement, look for it.

Perhaps a long break is all you need.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 3
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 3:11:45 AM

When do you throw in the towel?
When you tire of looking and no longer wish to continue.
It becomes a headache and not enjoyable or proving to be NOT worth your time.

what does it take to be happy alone?
liking your own company, having things of interest that you enjoy......... and gratefullness for what you DO have.

There are people who never date or marry... they can have full and well lived lives. Go do and try new things that do not involve dating and find things you like to do, get some hobbies or interests to focus on. Life is full of wonder and amazement, look for it.

Perhaps a long break is all you need.


You are 100% right, but I have done all of these things. I've had too long of a break. I just cannot seem to accept being alone. When I go out, I see couples everywhere I go. All of my friends are having kids. I am wondering if moving off of the grid and severing contact with the rest of the world is the only solution, so at least I don't have to see what I cannot seem to have.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 4
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 3:18:36 AM

I was reading your other thread. You seem like a busy person with school, work, and your hobbies. I just don't understand why you giving up. Can't you talk to any girls at school? But anyway, at least you have your priority straight which is taking care of yourself. Your being independent by working and still going to school while learning. I rather be happy single than having a mess up relationship imo.


I was stuck doing online courses, but I will be going back to my campus next quarter which will be in a couple of weeks. Even then, I struggle with even trying out of fear of rejection. I am dealing with rejection right now, and I'm not handling it particularly well. If I'd have followed my brain instead of my heart, I'd have never even pursued this woman on account of her being a smoker. However, I was willing to look past her shortcomings, and I really started to like her. Apparently, she could not look past my shortcomings. I guess I deserve it though, I've turned down my fair share from this site.

I suppose I am giving up because I am really tired of looking. No matter how much I have to offer, it is never enough. They'd always rather have someone else, unless they are married already or something.

I appreciate the more positive posts, I'm typically attacked on here. So far, I have gotten good feedback.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 3:27:31 AM
I just cannot seem to accept being alone.

OK op, I am sorry your having a hard time with this and I see your not some loser punk....... all I can suggest is to look at your spiritual side, as when that is devloped you are never really alone.
I do NOT mean the religious and church thing.. I mean a personal relationship with whoever is your God. There is a lot in that in soothing human miseries and unhappiness.
Best to you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 3:41:49 AM
There can be an up side to actually "giving up."

One of the things I discovered, is that the fear of rejection, anxiety and desire, that makes it so difficult to approach other people to try to build relationships, tends to drive people to reject me. When I actually gave up, the surrender allowed me to calm down, and thereby become less of a nervous-looking threat to people. It wasn't an overnight thing, and it didn't change me from being a social pariah, to being a "lady killer," but it was enough to allow me to relate to women much more easily.

There are lots of side symptoms and issues that act in your favor when you actually do "give up trying" for a total-answer relationship. No need to go into them here, as they are all the same little things that you've been hearing over and over, about appearing confident (being confident you wont win looks exactly the same as being confident you will win), and being able to communicate calmly and directly.

In a weird way, "surrender" can be a great way to sgtart to win.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 7
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:07:53 AM
OP,

You seem to be projecting a defeated/victimization attitude. I've not read your other threads, not seen people attacking you, but when that does happen, I've seen it brought on by the authors themselves.

Are you unyielding, pushy, overbearing? Do you want things NOW? If so, what are you afraid of?

Usually, people who are like that, fear something.

Take some time off, relax, go with the flow for a while. Take a look at YOURSELF first. Fix what's wrong, be happy. If you are unhappy, you project that...you are in this post..fix it. No one wants to be drug down by someone who is unhappy.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 8
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:20:05 AM
Rejection sucks i get it. But if you don't take it too personally you start to get a thicker skin and you start not caring about being rejected. Which then means that you're a little more confident on who you approach even if you think they're out of your league. You end up taking more chances because you realize that the worst that can happen is that they say no. That's how i met my gf on here ! i came across her profile and when i saw her pic the first thing through my mind was "OMFG she's gorgeous ! but she probably won't even talk to me" the second thing through my mind was "meh oh well might as well give it a shot ! if she doesn't reply then oh well !" And now it's going on 6 months later and she's the most amazing woman i've met. DON'T GIVE UP !

Don't worry about being attacked on here. I feel like A LOT of the posters on here are just bitter and will jump at the chance to say something nasty just because they feel like being negative.

Don't compromise major things that are important to you. Such as smoking ! i did that once and ended up in a miserable 2 year relationship with someone who kept saying they'd quit and never did. Stick to what's important to you.

The most important thing is to be totally honest and brutally blunt sometimes. Don't stand to be friendzoned by people....or lead on by people....don't tolerate people who try to play mind games with you and then when you tell them how you feel they reply with "oops i didn't know"

Be happy and open but at the same time don't be a doormat. it definitely works !


I think you read me here better than anyone else on this site.


I just cannot seem to accept being alone.

OK op, I am sorry your having a hard time with this and I see your not some loser punk....... all I can suggest is to look at your spiritual side, as when that is developed you are never really alone.
I do NOT mean the religious and church thing.. I mean a personal relationship with whoever is your God. There is a lot in that in soothing human miseries and unhappiness.
Best to you.


That is one thing I lack besides love. Faith. I've looked for it, and have only found emptiness. I have faith in myself in order to accomplish certain goals. This goal to find someone on the other hand requires another person meeting me half way or vice versa. I just don't see it happening. If it happens, it will be pure luck in my opinion.


There can be an up side to actually "giving up."

One of the things I discovered, is that the fear of rejection, anxiety and desire, that makes it so difficult to approach other people to try to build relationships, tends to drive people to reject me. When I actually gave up, the surrender allowed me to calm down, and thereby become less of a nervous-looking threat to people. It wasn't an overnight thing, and it didn't change me from being a social pariah, to being a "lady killer," but it was enough to allow me to relate to women much more easily.

There are lots of side symptoms and issues that act in your favor when you actually do "give up trying" for a total-answer relationship. No need to go into them here, as they are all the same little things that you've been hearing over and over, about appearing confident (being confident you wont win looks exactly the same as being confident you will win), and being able to communicate calmly and directly.

In a weird way, "surrender" can be a great way to start to win.


I've been through this cycle before too. I appreciate the insight, as your words take me to a familiar place.



OP,

You seem to be projecting a defeated/victimization attitude. I've not read your other threads, not seen people attacking you, but when that does happen, I've seen it brought on by the authors themselves.

Are you unyielding, pushy, overbearing? Do you want things NOW? If so, what are you afraid of?

Usually, people who are like that, fear something.

Take some time off, relax, go with the flow for a while. Take a look at YOURSELF first. Fix what's wrong, be happy. If you are unhappy, you project that...you are in this post..fix it. No one wants to be drug down by someone who is unhappy.


You sure you haven't read my other threads or posts before? You hit the nail on the head. I do feel pretty defeated, I won't deny that. On a positive note, I positively hate it. I look at myself plenty, and I don't see a whole lot wrong. Women that I've written have had issue with my height though, even women shorter than me, go figure. Unfortunately, I cannot grow any taller (I am trying to right now).


You have just elevated self-pity to a bizarre and elaborate art form. Picasso.


Thank you.



Learn to be happy and whole without needing somebody else to make you feel that way.
It'll make you a whole lot more fun and interesting to be around, when you finally find someone.
AND you'll feel better in the meantime.


Yes, I tried that too. Didn't work. I fell even harder. It's like coming down from a caffeine high.


You are making yourself miserable over nothing, or something that's beyond your direct control.
How foolish.
What a waste of time.


Not having control is what makes it miserable. If I am hungry, I can eat. If I am cold, I can turn up the heat. For my dilemma, there is no solution.

 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 9
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:33:16 AM
I think that you have to be happy and comfortable with being alone before you can even begin to look for a relationship or love. I also think that there are certain times in your life when it's just not possible, Like when you are in school or busy with children and life itself. I'm at that point now. I'm finding things that I like to do for me and I'm loving it. You should just try and put it on the back burner for a while. Stop trying,and focus on you


Back burrner...

One, I am childless in my 30's

Two, my longest relationship in my life was about 4 months, and that was two years ago.

Three, I've done a lot to try to take my mind off of that. I was hitting the gym for awhile, then I slowed that down when I ended up going back to school, which even with online classes, occupied a lot of my time.

Four, I am a little too comfortable being alone, but I'm not necessarily happy being alone. I can demonstrate being comfortable, but not happy.

Leaving the back burner on will still burn your house down.


If you are only looking on dating sites you will probably never find anyone. That header is a huge turn off to anyone cruising on by but still you persist with it.


Anything can be a turn-off anymore. That's a matter of opinion.


If you can be self sufficient then you can have a healthy relationship when the opportunity arises. You are young yet and I would not give up hope. If you need to work on your fitness or whatever, do that. We all need human contact and affection but need to be realistic about who we can attract. . It is different for everyone and really we all cope in our own way. You never know what is around the corner. We dont know why you are alone or how long you will be.


I'm not that young. There are women who are either my age or not a lot older than me who have grandchildren. I don't even have kids. I am my mother's only child. She wanted grandchildren. No matter how proud she says she is of everything I do, I have failed her. People talk to me like I choose to be this way, when I have no choice.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:37:18 AM

What does it take to be happily alone?


Whiskey,,,,lots of it.

A river full of willing fish, and me tossing feathers at em.

And a real good sense of humour. Ya just gotta laugh.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 11
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:45:16 AM

get a dog...serious


Will you let it out for me? I am at my job about 11-12 hours out of the day. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will be at school for an additional two hours a day. I'd need you to come let him out for me during the week. On the weekend, it would be okay. Not a realistic suggestion. I need to have a girlfriend to let my dog out for me on top of everything else. Another reason I cannot just "be happy" alone.


Whiskey,,,,lots of it.

A river full of willing fish, and me tossing feathers at em.

And a real good sense of humour. Ya just gotta laugh.


No whiskey here, been sober for a year. Fishing and humor help, but it's like aspirin for a broken leg.


There IS a solution, you're just completely unwilling to see it.
Unwilling to THINK RATIONALLY.
That means you're on the verge of becoming unhinged, emotionally unbalanced, and insane.
In a word, UNDATEABLE. Even if you find somebody today.
Every single answer you've given here is just another excuse for why you think you should be allowed to be miserable.
Well good fookin' luck with that, fella.
Take a lil' break to get your head straightened out. Or not!
Nobody here can make you feel better.


That is precisely why I am looking to give up. I think I am on the verge of that.
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 12
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 5:03:22 AM
I love being alone. I have a wonderful Aussie Shepard....two cats(one is mia). We all really enjoy each others company every evening on the couch, watching "Wheel of Fortune... Jeopardy...."

Being alone does suck sometimes, but it is MUCH better than being in a crappy relationship with someone for all of the wrong reasons.

It seems that finding someone "perfect for me" is kind of like trying to find matching gears. The "teeth" on the two particular gears have to match ...you can't just throw any two gears together and expect them to mesh.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 13
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 5:11:45 AM
OP your comments are starting to sound like your the male version of Debbie Downer !
Can you be any more negative ?
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 14
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 6:25:05 AM
I used to do internet dating, along w/ real life- I found the real life stuff way better- but I got tired of all the nonsense that came along w/ it & got way more selective, & way more focussed on my own interests...started doing alot more by myself, w/o some c@ckblocking female or guy that had nothing in common w/ me...low & behold, I began to meet NEW people, who were more in line w/ my personality/character & started attracting men IRL who seemed way better than online. And it was w/o trying...almost miraculous...

When u stop looking & truly are happy w/ the people places & things u r around, you give off a great vibe that attracts others w/ the same vibe. The liars, crazies & overly-needy won't even approach you anymore!
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 15
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Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 6:35:32 AM
+ 1 @ what passportlove said.

OP, if you replace the staggering amount of self-pity with gratitude for the things you do have, your life will change.

Based on all your posts, I don't think you'll be able to do this on your own, so I would recommend that you find professional help.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 16
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 6:42:49 AM
It isn't about throwing in the towel, but being happy in whichever situation you are in.

If I meet someone (and I would like to), great--I will be able to have a happy and fulfilling life with a partner.

If I don't meet someone (which looks more and more likely), great--I will be happy and have a fulfilling life alone. Or, I should say, with friends and family.

I am kind looking forward to turning 65 in a few years: I can go to the senior citizens' center and meet the the old guys. Of course, they want to meet me now, but I will hold off for the moment.

I have had enough ling and short-term relationships to truly know that I would rather be alone than try to partner with someone who just doesn't please me in enough ways. I prefer my solitude and own company to that of people who plain-ass bore me.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 17
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 12:42:02 PM

Dear OP....I hear you and I totally understand where you are coming from. For someone my age (31) I've being single for an obscene lenght of time that most people find 'wierd'. It's not that I'm picky nor do I have a list of issues that make me undateable. I just can't seem to find a mutual match. I've never been married, no kids, have an amazing career, own my own house, drive my own car and travel the world. I am very social, have a great group of friends and an amazing family. Most people would consider me financially, mentally and emotionally stable. I also have a healthy dose of self esteem thanks to my parents. So why the hell can't I find someone or they find me? At first I was angry, depressed, bitter about my everlasting singleness, but I got over it a long time ago. Being upset, negative wasn't going to open the door to the love of my life. All it was doing was leading me down to a path of self deprecation, depression and who know where else. That had to stop! What keeps me positive is all that I have ! Your outlook on life changes a lot when you focus on what you have, trust me! I'm lucky to have great friends and family. I have a good job which is a blessing these days and I can provide for myself. I am healthy-ish . I'm at the age where friends are getting married or starting their families. I am not going to let their 'accomplishments' determine my failures. And as I see it not being in a relationship or married with kids does not make me a failure. Get out and enjoy your life. Be grateful for what you have and the things you are working to accomplish. Enjoy your friends or make new ones if the ones you have are adding to the negativity. Based on your profile, you are cute, working towards a career, open to children and open minded people. Work on projecting happiness and positivity. You never know what will happen!


Spoken quite eloquently. You seem to understand what I am going through.


There's your problem. No one can keep that kind of schedule and expect to have anything that even remotely resembles a personal life, you are married to your job.
Do you really need all the overtime? Or are you forced into it?
Why not give up a few hours of your job and concentrate on being happy. Get therapy, join a meetup group? Stop looking for love and start looking for a reason to get up in the morning that does not involve a time clock. Love will find you if you slow down and let it.


I work four 10 hour shifts, which is really closer to four 11's. Travel time, giving people a ride, etc. keeps me away from my home longer. I have a mortgage, working less is never an option.


OP, if you replace the staggering amount of self-pity with gratitude for the things you do have, your life will change.

Based on all your posts, I don't think you'll be able to do this on your own, so I would recommend that you find professional help.


Another one recommending therapy. Not going to happen. The only way it would even be worth it is if it was the same scenario as Will Ferrel in Step Brothers. I went to a therapist a couple of years back that had opposite political views as I do, and I just about turned into someone who REALLY needs therapy.



I have had enough ling and short-term relationships to truly know that I would rather be alone than try to partner with someone who just doesn't please me in enough ways. I prefer my solitude and own company to that of people who plain-ass bore me.


I feel like I am already there.


I find it extremely difficult to believe that you have never had a happy day whilst being alone....


It isn't long term happiness. The loneliness always comes back.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 18
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 4:49:12 PM

If a dog is out of the question due to your hours of work, may I suggest a cat? Trust me, you can teach them to fetch, sit, and take for walks. It's a bit tricky to teach them to catch a frizbee though, ok, it's harder to find a frizbee that won't knock them out when you throw it at them.


Got one, I love him. He is funny.


I go through my moments but I enjoy being single and freedom it affords me.

I do see a common theme on your post, which is that you don't want to be alone. But I see something else from that - looking for someone to fill a void perhaps?

If you aren't happy being alone, having someone isn't going to change that (your past relationship length, which you mentioned is an indication). Sure it might help temporarily but not in the long run. And don't get a dog or pet - dog is like having another relationship and you have to be ready for it.

You need an outlet - first have no expectation of wanting a relationship and just enjoy meeting people. For some reason, I think people sense that and avoid you in that way. Find a group, there's tons of them out there (email me if you need help where to look) - find something that may interest you and avoid the pitfall of I don't have time or courage to go to these things, its just an excuse (think about how many hours you watch tv, goofing off or be online, you have time). These group exist because there are lots of single people out there and they will welcome you with open arms. And go to the gym - talk to other people and develop a sense of being, or belonging. That kind of stuff helps a lot. All I can think of right now. Good luck!

Edit: forgot, I also became more spiritual (not in religious sense) but read a few books on Taoism and I had that - "I get it or it gets me" feeling.


A lot of good stuff here, but as far as me having time, I'm limited to weekends and early mornings. Now that the weather is nicer, I probably will get out and do more. "For some reason, I think people sense that and avoid you in that way. " Women must sense this much like a shark senses blood in the water. I don't watch much TV, I only quit going to the gym because I wasn't getting any sleep, and I had to prioritize The gym I use is the one at my work, but I am thinking of joining one that will work with my specific needs. Again, time may be an obstacle.





2) Look around to see how many people got married and divorced. They have to go through very tough times. There are people together and apart. They got good times and bad times. Many of them might be very bitter and wish they never knew the one they were with.



4) And finally, if nothing works, accept it’s fate. You're not alone. Be easy to yourself.


You’re only 33. Don’t give up so easily.


Yes, I'm 33, not 23. My father died at 58, my mother's father died at 54. I'm beyond mid-life if my lineage is an indication of my longevity. If it is fate, perhaps it will not exceed 25 years. In that 25 years, I'll at least be more educated and probably better off financially, so maybe it isn't so bad and I should accept it. The divorce rate is horrible, and it is one of the reasons I am going into law. It is very unfortunate.

With that said, I cannot change how I feel. As far as filling a void, I suppose that is an unrealistic expectation for anyone who comes along. There is some good advice in here, and a lot of it I've taken in the past. I am still alone. Above all, I want to find something long-term so I can get away from online dating.

I went for long periods of time being really detached and not "letting anyone in". Someone came along and changed that, just to drop me down again.

As far as accepting fate, it isn't what I want to do, but it is more than likely what I have to do. I've tried to find happiness in other things, and it is somewhat of a diversion.

The whole thing comes down to luck. Then again, I also have to accept karma for the feelings that I have hurt in the past I suppose.

Complaining about my luck in real life is what lead me to online dating, via people and their advice. It has probably made things worse, but there is that chance of winning. I guess you could compare it to an addiction to gambling.

As far as me loving myself, I put myself on a pedestal. I envision myself as President one day. Not being married and relationship instability would in fact cost me votes. Then again, I suppose that means I am discrediting my worth on account of what other people think of me.

People say contradicting things. Like "I'm not looking hard enough" and "I'm looking too hard". They say "I'm not looking in the right places" when I look in the same places as everyone else. They say to find happiness within myself. When I broke up with my ex, I certainly was happier. Maybe not happier, but certainly less miserable, so it is true that being single is better than being in a bad relationship. I know what is better than both of those though, and that is being in a good relationship. I feel I deserve that now. I guess society, the creator, and most women who I am attracted to do not seem to agree with me there. That's where the problem arises. You can't always get what you want. Who said anything about always? How about sometimes? I am entitled to sometimes, everyone is.

I am going to inadvertently take someone's advice, and get out from in front of the computer for a little bit, and not mope around my house. I probably won't have changed a whole lot when I come back, but it will make me feel a little better briefly.

Thank you all for putting up with me, it's not like you don't have a choice.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 19
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 6:37:18 PM
Dominic you have to love yourself first before you love someone else.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 21
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/22/2012 9:28:37 PM
What you need is friends to do things with.. figure out what you like to do and see if there are clubs for it. There are lots of single women out there and one way they go about it is having lots of friends to do things with... One of the reason women handle being single better then men.. They tend to me alot more social then men are.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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History
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/23/2012 1:43:15 AM
You actually have not done what I was describing, and truly accepted whatever limitations you have. You didn't "accept defeat, so as to move on from there calmly." All you've done, is to go into a petulant depression and threaten to take your ball and go home.

I know that well, I did it myself over and over for a while, a long time back. When you ACTUALLY give up on trying to find a perfect mate, you calm down, and start to genuinely enjoy the many alternatives to putting on pretense after desperate pretense, and you especially stop whining about how alone you are. Instead, you look for ways to spend your time that directly reward you, whether that's to take some sort of personal development course, or rebuild your house, or plant a garden, or whatever.

All you are doing here, is fussing about how bad you feel. You are lying to yourself and us, when you ask how to get along without love/relationships. You will continue to be stuck at this stage until you decide to be direct and honest with yourself, instead of complaining to anyone who will listen about how you deserve more.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 23
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/23/2012 2:02:36 AM
Dominic you have to love yourself first before you love someone else.


I do love myself, that's why I want to be happy. Not being loved by someone else is the problem.


Sadly, it can be hard because it seems that society makes a person feel less if they don't have a significant other. I think, it can make a person stronger if they just allow themselves to be alright with it.

That being said, don't throw in the towel...Even I have been there..And I know how it feels. Keep an open mind, and stay open to it..this way if somebody good does come along you won't miss it and thus come back making another thread ...


This is where I am at right now.


sort your life out and bear a thought for people who have issues that can't be cured.


I feel like I have a condition that cannot be cured.


What you need is friends to do things with.. figure out what you like to do and see if there are clubs for it. There are lots of single women out there and one way they go about it is having lots of friends to do things with... One of the reason women handle being single better then men.. They tend to be a lot more social then men are.


I have friends I go and do things with. They typically find someone, have a kid, and I never do. My main hobby is a collection of firearms. I won't join any gun clubs because most of them are either cops or pro-Conservative Politics, and I wouldn't going there to talk about abortion or what they think of the President. I'd be going there to talk about guns. It's unfortunate that these people have to tie those two together.

Other than that, I have a few friends that like to go to concerts, movies, and out to eat with. I do that type of stuff when I have time.


OP...... no matter how disappointed , disillusioned , frustrated and exhausted I get with the whole dating scene ......I just can't kill the beast !

The only valid excuse you have to give up is if you are dead. As long as you are alive (and healthy and free) you have the choice to keep trying until you finally succeed

I'm never going to throw in the towel.. ....quitting is for losers


This arises confusion. People tell me to stop trying, yet quitting is for losers. I feel like a loser when I get rejected. I feel like a loser when I don't try. Other aspects of life, I am the best of the best. People speak highly of me and most have no clue about what is beneath the surface. Maybe losing in that aspect of my life has pushed me to succeed in others. I see a lot of people out there who have no problems finding relationships, but cannot keep a job to save their life. I certainly do not want to trade places with them. However, I feel I deserve to have what I want.


she has standards which you need to reach, I don't throw the towel in easily but abuse is not worth the fight.


I have reached their standards over and over. I am still passed up for someone else.


I think this is really interesting. You have faith in yourself to accomplish goals, but you don't have faith that you can meet someone. Now faith can be built upon. Because you have accomplished personal goals before, you know you can do it, so your faith is fairly strong. But because you have never been lucky in love, you have no faith in that area.


You read me like a book. Needless to say, this has been damaging to me.


It is true that you cannot force someone else to fall in love with you, but maybe you can have faith that you can improve your outlook? As you mentioned in your original post, you feel ready to resign. Maybe you can have faith that you will learn to be happy with that resignation?


I doubt I could be happy with quitting, but their seems to be no other option. I suppose I could dramatically lower my standards (not that they are unreasonable), but I fail to see how that would be better.


I am only a few years out of my marriage, but I have recently realized that I don't want to enter a relationship from a place of need. I don't want to search out another person just to fulfill my need for fun, sex, companionship or prosperity. One day, I want true love. When I am looking from a place of selfishness, I am pretty convinced it is going to elude me. Therefore, my goal is to simply improve myself and learn to meet all of my own needs.


I can relate, except for the marriage part. My longest relationship was 4 months, you were actually in a marriage and have kids. I'm not getting any younger.


...and let the universe decide when it is going to send a mate for you.


I have been doing this forever. I can envision myself in a waiting room, looking at a clock. Every so often, I get up and ask the clerk at the desk what the hold-up is. I can only be patient for so long. How many of you would be willing to sit at a red light for over 10 minutes? That is how I feel, except for on a larger scale.


You actually have not done what I was describing, and truly accepted whatever limitations you have. You didn't "accept defeat, so as to move on from there calmly." All you've done, is to go into a petulant depression and threaten to take your ball and go home.

I know that well, I did it myself over and over for a while, a long time back. When you ACTUALLY give up on trying to find a perfect mate, you calm down, and start to genuinely enjoy the many alternatives to putting on pretense after desperate pretense, and you especially stop whining about how alone you are. Instead, you look for ways to spend your time that directly reward you, whether that's to take some sort of personal development course, or rebuild your house, or plant a garden, or whatever.

All you are doing here, is fussing about how bad you feel. You are lying to yourself and us, when you ask how to get along without love/relationships. You will continue to be stuck at this stage until you decide to be direct and honest with yourself, instead of complaining to anyone who will listen about how you deserve more.


I am not lying to anyone. This is what is confusing, you are saying I actually should give up, while others say quitting is for losers. I am honest with myself. I honestly think I deserve more. All of these extra-curricular activities people keep suggesting sound great, but they take up either time or money that I don't have. Thanks for helping me plan for my retirement.

That is why I am spending a lot of time at work and in school, so one day I have time and money to do those things. There are a lot of people who have the same schedule as I have, yet they don't share the problems I have. There really is no excuse. I just have to do the impossible and accept it somehow.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 24
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/23/2012 2:47:23 AM
Read my posts, I have a cat.

It's easy for other people to tell me to "suck it up". There is no sucking it up, change needs to happen.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 25
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/23/2012 11:49:16 AM

If you can't really succeed at something that's almost entirely outside your control, it stands to reason you can't really lose either. Your thought process isn't rational. You just react to you own bad feelings based on a confused approach and then you keep feeling bad about it. Again, nothing new here. It's no surprise to me that you keep making yourself miserable; you've had lots of practice.


I see others succeed at this often.



Seriously? You sound like a spoiled child with a snotty nose. But for the sake of argument I'll take your statement at face value...... In which case you should also feel you deserve to keep feeling sad about what's beyond your power to achieve, in which case you have nothing to complain about except your own learned helplessness! You must be an emotional masochist.


Call it what you want. A spoiled child has things handed to them. I worked for what I have. I go to work, I expect a paycheck, does that make me spoiled?


Again, please don't take offense but if you're not taking any pride and care in how you look or how you live then it's apparent you're waiting for someone to come into your life and "jump-start" you into being happy.


I take a lot of pride in my appearance. I take a lot of pride in how I live. How do I not take offense to that? I take my clothes to the cleaners, I keep my facial hair under control, I don't leave my house looking bummy. I'm often complimented on how I dress and how I smell. Maybe if I cared less about my appearance women would like me, but I would end up looking good for myself, because that is more important. I will acknowledge that.

The only advice a person could give is just live life an it will happen when I least expect it. Problem is, I am not getting any younger. After I reach a certain age, it won't matter as much. Furthermore, I am not so sure that I expect anything anyway, so by that logic, it could happen any day.

I will probably go back to bottling up my feelings just so people can tolerate being around me. When it becomes too much to bottle up, I will come on here and post threads like this. in the meantime, people who actually know me and what kind of person I am still like being around me, and a bunch of people who know nothing about me can point out flaws in me that I don't really have.

I stay busy to keep my mind off of it only for people to tell me that I don't have time for a relationship. I have people on here telling me I am not ready for a relationship, when I am more stable than a lot of men I know that are in relationships. You can tell me I am mentally screwed up, but let me tell you something, my main hobby is collecting firearms. If I was unstable, I'd either have offed myself by now, or have committed a crime that might have made it illegal for me to have them. So yeah, I am stable in the sense I have to live a certain way, abide by certain rules, and carry myself respectfully. What's next, are you going to tell me I need to quit acting normal so people can see how crazy I am? Maybe I should put more effort into gaining approval from people on this forum, just for sh!ts and giggles. Then, I might meet someone when I least expect it.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 26
Life without love/Relationships
Posted: 3/23/2012 12:15:14 PM
I made a post very similar to this years ago (cancelled then came back).

Every once in a while, I go thru my dark moments when I think it will never happen for me and Im destined to be a single parent. Then, I wake up and snap out of my pity party.

Looking on back my last few slumps, they turned around and I ended up having a few great relationships (while they lasted).

You arent alone with thinking this, but, you need to realize you are just in a slump right now and are inclined to feel like it just wont happen for you. It wont last forever. In the meantime, use your temp. slump and put it to good use. Emjoy doing things on your own without the hassel. Take up gardening, loved ones, friends. A new hobby. Before you know it, your mood can change and youll be back to normal and positive thinking.
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