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 krystald1986
Joined: 3/21/2012
Msg: 1
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes UpPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I do not know what to do on here anymore. I have met some great guys on POF and we have chatted through messages. A few I have liked enough to exchange phone numbers with. I try to stress to these men before I give them my number that I have two boys who are 4 and 2 that live with me and I'm a single mom and I try to make sure they understand my boys will always come first and make sure they are okay with it.
Most of the men will say they are okay with it and think it's amazing that I'm raising my boys by myself and going to school and working and that that's what they want in a woman-someone who doesn't party, is looking to settle down, and knows what she wants in life. However, when we start texting, all they want to see is pictures of myself, they start saying how much they like me, and are constantly asking me to go out with them or come over. What gets me is a lot of the guys I talk to have kids- some that live with them and some that live with their mom's so I try to talk to them more over guys who don't have kids because I figure they understand more of what it's like having kids and having to sacrifice going out with staying home with your kids.

How do you deal with finding someone who understands you're a single parent and can't just up and go out at the spur of the moment? Has anyone on here had a successful relationship for from POF while being a single parent or dating a parent that has kids that lives with them?
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 2
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/28/2012 10:21:08 AM
gotta weed thru all the bull$hit. You save yourself alot of time and wasted energy that way. If a guy seems cool and you trade numbers, the min. he starts texting you for a pic and concentrates more on that then getting to know you, hit delete and move on to the next.

Theres some good ones out there. Somewhere.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 3
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/28/2012 11:11:22 AM
Krystal,

I hope you read this before the thread is deleted. I have full joint custody of my children (12yrs and 9yrs); so I feel your pain. As "River" stated, you have to sift through the BS. Unfortunately there are going to be fits and starts.

Hang in there - you'll be fine.

G
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 4
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/28/2012 11:49:22 AM

they understand my boys will always come first and make sure they are okay with it


Why would you do that?
If you have to make someone understand that your first priority is your children, then those men are not the ones you want to date.

A NORMAL man would know this.

Maybe you should join a Parents without Partners organization, where all the participants are in the same boat.

Here ... online ... on a free dating site, you really have to be careful, as you will meet a lot of shady, weird characters. Only here for the meat.

If you cannot differentiate between what is normal and what is nuts, then this is not the place to be.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 5
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/28/2012 12:24:15 PM
I agree with entertaining. I dont think it needs to be said. Especially with another single parent. Its kind of this "unspoken nod/rule" we all have. Its quite obvious they are a priority. Re-interating that might make it come across as condescending of some sorts.
 krystald1986
Joined: 3/21/2012
Msg: 6
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/28/2012 12:51:51 PM
Thanks River! Very goo advice. I will definitely start doing that!
 smilingrock
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 7
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/28/2012 12:53:05 PM
Not having kids by choice myself I'll just direct you to search for single mom threads on here. You will get tons of opinions.

I looked at your profile and think the guys are just looking for a full body pic as you just have face shots.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 8
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:22:14 AM

Most guys say whatever is politically correct TO GET LAID!


Bingo!
I laugh under my breath, shake my head, and say to myself, "you must think im some naive chick" bwaaaahahahahaha!
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 9
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/29/2012 12:09:48 PM

How do you deal with finding someone who understands you're a single parent and can't just up and go out at the spur of the moment?


A man should just "know" this about any single mother. If his hormones are so overriding his brain that he doesn't recognize this, you are better off passing on him.
 Nowwhat74
Joined: 8/8/2010
Msg: 10
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/29/2012 5:50:26 PM
Hi I'm new to using the forums..
I have not met any guys yet. None seem to want to date. I have children to. So I don't know, but dating offline has been no better.
I though it was just me
 chickmunkpa
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 11
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/30/2012 6:49:45 AM
I understand completely, they all either want sex or no relationship and don't understand that kids are part of your life too. Try some of the single fathers they undersand or ones with kids living with them maybe right now, It's a fact for me, that guys are last. I'm a single parent of 4, 14,10,7 and 4. My oldest is ADHD, youngest boy with autism and my 4yr old the only girl has Cancer. So I have no time right now. Hope this helps you out.
if you want to talk let me know.
Thank you.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
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Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/30/2012 1:19:55 PM

However, when we start texting, all they want to see is pictures of myself, they start saying how much they like me, and are constantly asking me to go out with them or come over.


There is your problem. People that have never met you and have not dated you for a while don't 'like' you. They are strangers. What you are communicating with are guys looking for sex. They chat you up, flatter you, ask for lots of pictures and then start working on you to come to their place and drop your drawers.

If a man is serious he will ask you on a date that is convenient for both of you, and sometimes it may take a few weeks to get your schedules in sync. As a good father he will completely understand your family demands.
Don't waste your time on texting and photo sharing for weeks. Anyone can meet for an hour for a cup of coffee.
 wth7
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 13
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 3/31/2012 3:20:42 PM
I agree with carolann. The requests for more pictures and random flattery are right up there with the ones who request that you meet the next day and get snarky when you explain that you work and have parenting responsibilities. Someone who is a parent isn't necessarily going to understand...but a good parent will!
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 14
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/1/2012 10:38:30 AM

Sorry, this is just crap...


I'm the brother of three sisters, father of two girls, and I married a single mother. Sorry, but if a guy does not know this then he does not have "her" in focus but only his illusion of her and , respectfully, it is then ALL about his hormones and what he can get.
 socalcitycat2012
Joined: 2/27/2012
Msg: 15
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/1/2012 11:06:52 AM
Wow! I'm so glad I found this thread! I really can relate to what I've been reading here!

What is nice is to meet a man who, when he asks you out on a "first" date, asks "Is there a day/time that works best for you? I know you need to arrange childcare. I can schedule around that."
 fairytaleslie86
Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 16
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/1/2012 9:47:28 PM
I too am in this same situation. Its like doing everything "right" gets you everything "wrong"! If you want to chat sometime feel free to message me. We might actually have alot in common.
 kja71
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 17
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/3/2012 8:24:36 AM
Krystald I just looked at your profile. I'm a single mom also. If I were you,I would take the pics of your boys off your profile. There are all kinds of creeps out there. Especially since this web site is free.
 PeneopDreamwevr
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 18
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/9/2012 12:47:30 PM
I honestly quit looking. Because, even if they didn't ask for pics and seemed "gentlemanly" about my schedule w/work n kids, they still got snarky because after our dinner-date, "I couldn't understand and/or reciprocate their NEEDS." Uh-huh, whatever. So now I just have a profile because I do enjoy coming to the forums and I have met some really cool people on here. Not just from my area but from all over. I also get a lot of great advice from others on these forums about life in general. Some of these op's have really great life experiences that I do take and learn from.
 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 19
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/9/2012 5:43:15 PM
First off, as a single mom, why are you announcing that you have two very young and vulnerable infants at home?

THIS SITE CONTAINS PEDOPHILES. In fact, ALL online dating sites contain them. And I am NOT talking about the registered types. I am talking about the ones who have gotten away with it for years. Most men have no sexual attraction to children. That includes most homosexual men. And, pedos only make up about 1-2% of all males. Sadly they appear to me to be in a higher percentage online.

A pedo needs to know what your kids look like so he can decide if it is worth the time investment to try to court you and get you to fall in love with him. Pedos nearly always have appearance, age and gender preferences that sexually arouse them. They actually lose interest in those children who are not the right "look" for their arousal. So my suggestion is that you (and to every other single mother on here) NEVER POST ANY PICTURES OF UNDERAGE CHILDREN ON A DATING SITE or front your kids as part of the dating process.

It's often best to simply say you have "two young children" or "preteens" or "two teens"and leave it at that. Unless you're in a serious relationship, your children's ages and genders are really none of anyone's business.

Just to reinforce this: When polled, pedos who preyed on girls generally had 5-7 victims on average. Those who preyed on boys had upwards of 125 victims... on AVERAGE. So your kids are especially vulnerable.
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STEREOTYPING
You also have the disadvantage of dealing with the racial stereotype of "single black woman with multiple children." So that can be biting you. It may be leading these men to believe that you can be convinced to "put out" if they flatter you or give you some attention. When you resist that stereotype, you burst their bubble of stupidity.

Furthermore, men do not generally assume that other men will abandon their male offspring. The stereotype being that you drove the "baby daddy" away or "like playas" or "chose a dope fiend." Perhaps they question whether you 1) want them to support your two boys (your words scream "insta-father") or 2) you are so headstrong and independent that you will never give them the time or attention that they want and need in return as a man or 3) even if they are willing to become an insta-dad, that you will never allow them to be a real father to your sons, instead you will retain a hyper-dominant hold on your boys that excludes them, or 4) that you'll use your kids as a valid reason to push them away if they get too close.

Unfortunately, I believe you are trying extra hard to NOT appear as a Jerry Springer/Maury Pulvich show stereotype black women: prolific, child-bearing, gold-digging, hoochie-mama. Instead you clearly have taken on the role of Wonder Woman, silver lasso of truth and all! Still a certain number of men who find you attractive may believe that telling you how great you handle your silver lasso, is the safest route into your red, silver and blue britches: the assumption still being that any successful, outspoken, single black woman in want of reassurance, merely needs a free meal, flattery and a penis, rather than a whole, dedicated, emotionally-present man.

So, STOP trying to be: single mom! caring for two infants! school! work! who needs a whole man?! WONDER WOMAN!!!! Your shining independence, while commendable, is all but killing these guy's sense of value as a man. Because, if you recall, Wonder woman came from an island where men were obsolete!

Not to say that you should not have your life together; but if so many men are "complimenting how together it is," then only wanting pictures or you to come over, sounds like they have resolved themselves to accepting that you really do not need or want a complete man in your life. But then there are a lot of sleazebags online as well... and pretty women get more of them making contact than the nice guys who are foolishly shy and reserved.

Maybe it's time to put your silver lasso away and soften your approach? I mean your perfection is so crisp, what man can add any value to your life? Besides that, at some point being Wonder Woman will drive you as crazy as it must make every man who tries to approach you.
 Kevin554
Joined: 3/20/2012
Msg: 20
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/10/2012 4:53:14 AM
Wow. ^Listen to that person.^ I wish I could meet more people like you lol.
 1shabbidazzle
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 21
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/15/2012 5:57:15 PM
I am new to this and enjoying the forums~it makes me feel better that I am not alone. I haven't had anything promising and can relate since I started looking again 6 months ago. Good Luck to all of us!!
 confident66
Joined: 8/5/2010
Msg: 22
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/15/2012 6:20:22 PM
Its hard being a single parent,I know I am one , but as I agree with you my boys come first ,and I would rather stay single and raise them than have the wrong person in there lives, had much luck on this site? ,NO, but have made some decent friends all over the world, dont be in a rush , remember to be true to yourself first , your an attractive woman, look beyond pof what you may be seeking could be in front of you, take care.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 23
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/16/2012 4:02:33 PM
Well.. I have, if you consider a successful relationship one that lasted over 6 months.... but you have to be willing to give up some of the with your kids in order to date these men. Men are visual. they are all going to want pictures. I find most men will ask you out a day or two at the most in advance.. if not the day of. Especially for the first meet date. I mean.. if you can't ever find the time to chill with them, how do you expect to date them? I guess you need to decide if you have the time or not and if you are willing to meet guys when your kids are around or when their kids are around.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 24
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/16/2012 4:11:42 PM
m curch.. I didn't know any of that stuff until I had my own child either. so I agree with you. We as single parents has to learn all of this.. why do we expect others to just know it. I've never dated a man who didn't "know" that my child comes first without me telling him, but i've dated quite a few who were upset that i had to cancel at the last minute so often. Although I do find that if a guy likes you he adapts to this rather quickly and either shows up with pizza, tissues and a crappy G rated movie and/or reschedules with you.

Oh yea.. and if my date I just cancelled on shows up here with pizza and a g rated movie, I'll just melt. lol
 sparkles0812
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 25
Single Mom Always Getting My Hopes Up
Posted: 4/16/2012 4:53:31 PM
I agree with you completely confuzzled, guys or shld I say men need to step up to the plate
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