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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm rel      Home login  
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 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 1
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Someone contacted me and asked me to post this as they were unable to for specific reasons. These are not my words or thoughts.


I was just wondering what peoples thoughts were on being with someone you don't want to marry or possibly can't see yourself having a longterm relationship with, but wanting to make children to. As it goes against typical family tradition. But is it wrong? Does anyone think it could not be good for the child/children? Sometimes I've thought two parent households are overrated.


I can't see myself ever getting married again, but that does not mean I don't want a long term committed relationship with my partner. He doesn't want children, and I will have to respect that.

For me, I can't see having a child for the sake of having a child with someone in particular. That would automatically link the two parents together for life. If I don't want a relationship with someone, I won't have children with them.

As for "is it wrong".. it's not something I would do, but that doesn't mean no one could make it work for them. It's really a subjective thing I think.

Bad for the children? Again, subjective. I have a hard time sometimes being civil with the ex... and we were married! I mean.. I was in love, we got married, we had children. Then we divorced. Bad for the children would have meant remaining in a dysfunctional relationship. Better for the children to have happy divorced parents than to have miserable married ones.

Being a single parent now for close to 8 yrs, it's the hardest freakin' thing I've ever done. I would not willingly enter into that on my own just because I think someone's genes would look good combined with mine.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 2
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/29/2012 9:52:31 AM
I have never understood the mentality of someone having kids with a person they are not in a committed relationship with. But there are more single Moms under 21 on this site than I thought possible.
I was married 19 years and sometimes relationships do not work out, but I have been raising my kids now for 4 years with no help from their father. It sucks. They deserve better than a weekly phone call. Having two loving and INVOLVED parents is not over rated.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 3
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/29/2012 10:08:20 AM
On my experience working with children and their families, a true two parent family is rarer then most people think. Normally the brunt of parenting falls to one or the other but it's very rarely an equal division. As in all partnership, the labor is divided in a manner which plays to each other's strengths and weaknesses, with the task of running a family broken down into smaller projects which each adult takes lead on depending on their skill set.

Often times one parent is working away or working long hours. In the event of families where one parent stays home, the other tends to extend their hours to allow for that. Service based industries mean that the traditional work week of Monday to Friday is becoming less common and for all of these reasons, in reality, the times where children are home with their parents, very often one or the other parent is absent and/or working.

I do believe that two parents are preferable for a child but there is a caveat to that. It's only preferable when both parents are fully invested in the parenting role. In my view, a parent who is reluctant and un-connected does far more harm then good. This is truly a situation of 'step up or step out'. A child does link two people together for life and even in the instances of a failed relationship that link remains but they have to work together to co-parent even if that's the only relationship the two adults have. Differences need to be set aside and boundaries need to be in place and respected and not just in an ex over-stepping into the private life of a former spouse but in terms of house rules which apply in both homes and to an extent, when parents are dating, respect for the parental wishes of what that child is exposed to when in a parents home.

A child has the absolute right to know both parents but it would be so much better for the child if the parents could just get on the same page and I know first hand that isn't always achievable.

If parents can get their act together and co-parent in an agreed and consistent manner, it is obviously going to be to the benefit of that child. The more people invested in the development of children, the better but those who can't commit to this for a life time, can do serious damage to the emotional health of a minor.

I do believe that there are some instances where a child is better off having one parent. One parent fully invested in being the best parent they can be. That has nothing to do with financial status and everything to do with being able to guide another person in an age appropriate manner to achieve goals and learn life's lessons along the way. One parent who that child knows that no matter what, someone is in their corner and when appropriate, will call them on their poor choices and will put consequences in place when needed in order to steer them back in the right direction. And one parent being able to provide stability and consistency.

Personally, being a single parent, it is not a situation I would have chosen but there are those who can do it. In my opinion though to knowingly create a child with someone you know is not LT is foolish and ultimately it's the child who will pay the price. I would be more understanding of a person who finding themselves of a certain age and without children who they expected to have had, in making the assessment that they can indeed manage alone and adopting/using a donor and actually doing it alone from the beginning.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 4
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/29/2012 12:02:24 PM

Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?


No.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 5
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/29/2012 12:03:30 PM

Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?


Myself ... no.

I know times are changing, and there are many single parent families out there.
Hell ... I've been a single parent twice.
But there is nothing like having the love, guidance and support of both a mother and a father.
As each parental role assists the child in growing to be the best he/she can be.

Look at all the therapy that is being offered today (an yea ... we are all in need of some sort of therapy), because something in our childhood has caused us difficulty.
I say give the child a fighting chance.
Give them what they deserve.
They deserve the best.
Is being a single parent from the beginning the best you can do?

If you want to go at it on your own, just because YOU want a child, are you not being selfish?

I admit, having children have been a challenge, but one that I would do all over again, as they have provided me with a purpose.

I say ... find the partner that who best suits your persona, lifestyle and common goals.
Then discuss creating offspring.

jmo
 ForumFilly
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 6
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/29/2012 12:29:57 PM
If I was young enough to have children, I would try to be as sure as I possibly could be that I was married to the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Children deserve to be raised in a loving, caring family with both parents, if possible. This is not to say that single parents cannot provide a loving home... they certainly can. But it is the children of single parent homes who are missing out on what it is like to have a loving, caring, 2 parent home. Sometimes, I think we selfishly choose to have a child because we want one without thinking of the consequences to the child.

When I did get pregnant with my son in 1968, there were very little choices for young women. Single motherhood was still very much looked down upon and abortion was illegal, although that would never have been a consideration for me anyway. You either gave up the child for adoption or married the father. I chose to marry the father rather than give up my child. I didn't think the marriage would last. I had no doubts or any illusions about it being successful. I did try my best though, but we were too young and we weren't truly in love. I adore my son and wouldn't change a thing about having had him so young but, in a perfect world, I would have waited til I found a man I truly loved and that loved me and marry and have children when we were old enough to realize what a huge responsibility it is. I ended up raising my son alone from the age of 2 yrs old and would never recommend that to anyone. It was, as no 1 bby says, the hardest thing I ever did. He is also my greatest achievement.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/29/2012 1:38:29 PM
Isn't it against the rules to post on someone else's behalf, because they are prevented from doing so? Or is this to hide the real person's identity for some other nefarious reason? I'm uncomfortable with the format here.

I think the OP's argument likening choosing to be a single parent, to having anything at all to do with splitting with a mate after having kids, is spurious. The two aren't related. It's especially ingenuous to hint that someone is "thinking about the children's best interests" by opting not to give a tinkers dam about the missing parent to begin with. It's ridiculous on it's face.

Raising children is hard. Being a child is hard. I have a short temper when it comes to people claiming that being cavalier about it in any way is something to be encouraged, which I think this surrogate posting is doing.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 8
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/29/2012 2:33:11 PM
@Igor - The gentleman can post here.. just not start threads, as I understood his message. If I'm breaking a rule, I'm sure this will be deleted. I don't really care. If you didn't like the way it was posted, why post?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 3/30/2012 4:32:08 AM
I posted because you asked for opinions and responses, of course.

As to my discomfort about the surrogacy, your explanation of why helps some. Whenever someone claims to be acting for another while hiding the other, I want to know why, since the reason for them not coming forward themselves is very often integral to the problem they are posing. Simple logic, really.
 Legal_Eagle09
Joined: 7/17/2011
Msg: 10
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/12/2012 11:49:03 PM
No, I believe that children deserve a long two parent home.
 40Golfer
Joined: 5/10/2011
Msg: 11
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:49:43 PM
No, why would you? Not fair to you,them or the kids. Things happen in life but don't intentionally do something like this.
 Dateless
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 12
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/13/2012 2:25:55 PM
I have a child with someone I wasnt in a relationship with. I didnt set out to do this, it just happened that way. I now live 4 doors up from the childs father and we have a fantastic relationship as parents. We both parent equally and have never had an arguement, either in front of the child or otherwise. How many parents who are together can say that???? My child doesnt lack in any loving relationships and sees her father every morning before school and when he comes home from work. I dont think it matters if you are in a relationship or not as long as you both have the same ideas and values for raising children.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/13/2012 2:43:32 PM
When I was in my 20s and wanting to start the family my answer would have been no. If I had gotten past 30 and my ovaries were potentially drying up, I could possibly see this if the other party were a friend that would drive me insane as a boyfriend but would be an excellent father.

I very much agree with Carolann's comment, that two loving involved parents are preferable so if this other person wants to have a child but is in a similar situation, the right gal hasn't come along, then it'd be okay imo. More recent studies on divorce indicate that children with at least one decent parent before the divorce, with an amicable split and not a crazy azz nightmare, their kids do better than a two-parent family with a lot of contention in the house.

But if you're like primarily going to use someone with or without his knowledge as a sperm donor and start out intentionally as a single mom, no. On the other hand I know people that will do the sperm bank thing if they still haven't found the guy but want to have a kid. Whole thing kind of makes my brain hurt, I think at some point no matter how they come about, kids are better with a mother and a father who are involved and care. If you don't have that, then imo you better make sure you have a network of friends and family that can as much as possible fill that hole.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 14
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:18:43 PM

and child support exist for a reason.


Child support is a JOKE! As if a few dollars a month, not even enough to cover half the cost of childcare required so I can work so I can actually provide for the child we both agreed on having, is considered acceptable... but it is.

(but then again, I'm not a single mother who manages to pay for the majority of their expenses with someone else's money) - I don't want a bunch of backlash for that, I'm not implying that's what most women do... but I personally know 5 women in my city who don't work and own a house with the fathers' (plural intended) money.
 Dateless
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 15
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/14/2012 1:26:42 AM
You may not want a backlash but I think what youve just said is gonna get 1! Im a single mother and i work 55 hours a week 2 support my child! I get £30 a week of my childs father so thats hardley gonna buy her food! I really hate the way people like you just automatically assume thats what everyone does! 5 women in a whole city isnt exactly alot! You should think about that before you get on your high horse!
 Maillesmith
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 16
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/14/2012 4:05:40 AM
Of course, the retort must come from someone that my comment does apply to and offends them.
I said most dont...
Get off your own horse. Because if you do the math, your cs is slightly higher than mine. I receive $200 cnd a month
 Pheonixmamma
Joined: 3/15/2012
Msg: 17
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/14/2012 4:29:56 AM
Maillesmith, you sound extremely bitter.....perhaps with some justified reasons...but you are likely experiencing nothing more spectacular than the average single parent.
Do yourself a favor and let some rage go. Money will not buy back your dignity.
Chin up and soldier on, like we all must do :)
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 18
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/14/2012 6:15:04 AM
I would wager that the general answer to the question is "no."

Those of us who are around the age of 25 and older seem to have a good idea as to what they should look for in a mate, as well as how long they should wait before making such life decisions. I do think, however, that our younger generations are popping out kids with damn-near reckless abandon, and not actually setting themselves up for actually having decent lives as partners and as parents. Having kids in high school in this day and age = stupid. Having kids when neither parent has a marketable skill to be able make enough money to raise that kid = stupid. The trend that I see is a lot of accident that are brought to term, and these kids raising kids are trying to scramble for 9 months to make things work by the time the baby comes. Some stories are more successful than others. Accidents -do- happen, but so does emergency contraception, but I guess $50 for Plan B is too expensive for some people.
 Dateless
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 19
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/14/2012 6:32:20 AM
Oh, i apologise, didnt realise this was a competition to see who is most worse off. Was merely pointing out that your sterotyping was uncalled for.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 20
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/14/2012 7:58:06 AM

Oh, i apologise, didnt realise this was a competition to see who is most worse off

Obviously you did because you felt it was necessary to post your living conditions so that everyone could compare notes.



Was merely pointing out that your sterotyping was uncalled for.

It's not really stereotyping when he says this:

I don't want a bunch of backlash for that, I'm not implying that's what most women do...




But, if you decide to completely ignore that statement, then I guess it would be.
 Dateless
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 21
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/14/2012 8:47:42 AM
For the record I wasnt telling my story for people to compare notes, I was doing it to show how it can work when your not in a long term relationship which this thread is about. Thanks for feeling the need to point all this out. I will sleep better tonight.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 22
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/15/2012 12:18:25 PM

I now live 4 doors up from the childs father and we have a fantastic relationship as parents. We both parent equally and have never had an arguement, either in front of the child or otherwise. How many parents who are together can say that???


How many separated parents live in the same block with one another?
 NoCretinZone
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 23
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/15/2012 5:42:33 PM
Why would you do that to a child? Irresponsible and selfish
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 24
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Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/18/2012 9:14:32 PM
Mzee has hit the nail on the head. Children aren't your favorite cake, something to be made in a chosen "Flavor" simply because you think they're delish! Making a child is starting a family. How sad that some see it otherwise, imo.
 Pheonixmamma
Joined: 3/15/2012
Msg: 25
Would you have children with someone you wouldn't have a longterm relationship with?
Posted: 5/18/2012 9:45:29 PM
There was a girl i worked with sometime back who was interested in artificial insemination, with the sperm collected from her previous aldulturous relationship.
I believe the relationship ended because the man would not leave his wife, and there were already children involved (his).
I do not know the outcome, and i do not have contact with this person, although i did hear that she had become a mother to twins.
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