Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > UK forums  > When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 bootielicious
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 1
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?Page 1 of 1    
I've not dated for quite some time now and one of the things that I worry about is skeletons in the closet. Not necessarily mine, but as you get older the more things people have in their past or they may still be doing things that some people would consider unacceptable. One example might be to do with health. What if you knew that you were ill and possibly may not get better, but still want love. What if you used to be involved in BDSM or still are? What if you are involved in the Adult industry or used to be a stripper etc.

When do you talk about these things or don't you? Does it matter?

Do you get to know the person first and if you decide you would like to carry on seeing them talk about these things or do you tell them right from the off, even though you might decide that it isn't going to work anyway?

What would you do? Or do you ask if there is anything you should know? Or is that being nosey?
 bootielicious
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 2
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?
Posted: 4/5/2012 2:51:41 AM
What if it was something like rape? Or you had been accused of rape? Sorry I know I'm being difficult here.

Perhaps you have to at least get to know the person well enough to have an idea of how they might react? If you think they would react badly, then it may be better to just end it, or is that the wimps way round it?

In some cases like accused rape, you're not really going to want too many people to know about it, so telling anyone on day one, could do much more harm than good. So, is it at the point where you have built up an element of trust?
 jaqi
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 3
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?
Posted: 4/5/2012 4:24:12 AM
My life has always been an open book... done some mad stuff but nothing I regret or ashamed of. I would like to think that a prospective partner would be just as open. I don't know how others feel but in my opinion I think that men finder it harder to open up than women, preferring to leave the past right there, in the past.

As for having a progress illness or desease then I feel one has an obligation to reveal it at the start. I know I couldn't bear someone I had grown very fond of dropping something like that in my lap a few months down the line. If I didn't want to continue the relationship would I been seen as shallow or uncaring? Would I really want to look to a future of sadness? I am really not sure. What a quandary?
 bootielicious
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 4
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?
Posted: 4/5/2012 5:33:37 AM
Some fantastic answers so far. Thank you to everyone who has answered and the thought that you put into them. I do worry a little too much about things and I'm sometimes a little too honest and up front, so I think a little less worrying and a definitely no unburdening of baggage on a first date lol.

Here is for going with the flow!!!!!
 Chuzz16
Joined: 3/26/2011
Msg: 5
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?
Posted: 4/5/2012 9:41:39 AM
I couldn't agree more Indigovelvet.
I wouldn't tell all on a first date. What if I didn't want to meet up again? ( this happens quite a lot).
I wouldn't want a virtual stranger knowing all about my past. If a relationship starts to develope, I would drop bits in as and when I thought the time was right.
 bootielicious
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?
Posted: 4/5/2012 12:32:39 PM
Her: Hi there. This isn't a date, by the way, this is just a meet. I've already ordered for you as I'm sure you remembering me quizzing you to quite some length about what you like/don't like to eat over the phone....I think it's better that there are no surprises, right? On that note I have slept with 37 men, I had a bisexual experience at school, I was accused of murder a few years ago, I'm dying of cancer, you're not getting any sex until the 10th date and if you don't mind I'd like you to watch me have sex with two black man, and I used to be a prostitute. Now what are you having to drink...I do hope it's water.

What is this obsession with "honesty" and everything having to be up-front and discussed right away? Surely you're simply putting barriers in the way of that person ever liking you at all? Why not let someone see if they like you, and if you find out they do it is up to them to decide if your "skeletons" are something they can deal with? That's if they even *need* to deal with them. Seriously....WHY would you ever tell someone you were accused of rape? Seriously... If there is something in the past that doesn't affect the now then leave it there. If there is something that does affect the now there is no need to toss all your cars on the table on the first date.

Sorry...meet.


Says the man who has written the most detailed profile about himself I have ever seen!!!! Hypocrit springs to mind. Oh and you like fly on the wall programmes, so you obviously enjoy analysing people, yet you criticise people who analyse their own situation?

Surely whether you call it a 'meet' or a 'date' is symantix. If you are going to invest your time in someone and potentially fall for them or care for them, then you want to hope it has a fighting chance, so yes if you have a past it might be on your mind. Perhaps one day you will understand.

I once dated a chap that I thought the sun shined out of his bottom. I was head over heels about him. After he had some how practically moved in with me it transpired that he was due in court for ABH and within a matter of weeks of finding out he was in trouble, he got sentenced to 4 years. I let this man into not just my life, but my sons and he was only little at the time. I was celebate for 3 years after that. It's taken me until now with my son now being grown up to think that maybe I should stop hiding behind my son and try again, but I don't want to make the same mistakes and I don't want to assume everything is fine, just because it feels fine. what you see, very often is not what you get.
 bootielicious
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 9
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?
Posted: 4/5/2012 1:02:44 PM
Kentish-Man - The way you started your post made it personal, as you were referring to me as the OP and it was my question, based on my experience. You can roll your eyes as much as you like, it doesn't make my question any less valid.

Many people (male and female) have children on here. You have to be careful who you bring into their lives and it's not so easy gaining access to the outside world when you are a single parent. You can't always afford to be carefree when other people's lives are involved. Even if they are not in direct contact, if anything happens to you, then it has an impact on them.
 bootielicious
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 10
view profile
History
When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?
Posted: 4/5/2012 1:47:34 PM
Gosh you're like Jiminy Cricket. Are you going to make me apologise twice in one day????

(rolls eyes emoticon)

Show ALL Forums  > UK forums  > When dating when do you discuss sensitive stuff?