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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF      Home login  
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 knnykool
Joined: 2/26/2010
Msg: 1
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTFPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
hey all, here it is in a nutshell, met a girl out here who only dated spanish guys, i was the first italian (white) guy she dated, well we were together for 6 months, fell in love together pretty heavy, ya know told me no one ever treated her the way i did, I really didnt do anything special, just treated her like i would anyone i cared about, well anyway she dated this jackass for five years had a kid with him, hes a 3 year old, well i guess this guy cheated on her, beat her up, most of the time, he cheated he got busted, he beat her up chopped her hair off with scissors she had him arrested and this was all early last year, she met me, fell in love with me swore she hated this ass...and would never to return to him, hes belittled her on email, broke her windshield, shes had him arrested a few times, and always told me she felt bad because her son couldnt grow up with his dad, she told me once that she was thinking about going back, that she should give him the chance to show hes changed, I talked her out of it, told her he would beat her again and god knows what else, she stayed with me, that was last month, now he sends her emails, telling her shes a slut and got a fat ass, and all this sh*t last saturday, Ccme easter she is with me in the a.m. and tells me shes in love with me, and calls me in the afternoon telling me the same, 6 oclock that nite i get a txt mssge, that shes going to give him another try.!!! she says shes got to try and make it work, ....... My question is, why would a girl return to someone like that ??? knowing what kind of guy he is, !!!
 TempusFujis
Joined: 4/5/2012
Msg: 2
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:34:44 PM
The woman is Phucked up, end of story,
Its sucks but believe me when I say this, she doesn't know her ass from her elbow,to her its a self esteem issue, you were probably too nice
and predicable and she rather go with the devil she knows, people do strange things, heck I dont know why people eat at KFC but they do.

Don't be surprised after he beats her again , she comes crawling back to you begging for forgiveness , at best its a toxic situation and you want no part of it or her, I feel sorry for the kid.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 3
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:40:20 PM
Your in way to deep. She warned you and told you she was going to go back to him. You should of listened. Its her decision not yours. Pick up and move on.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 4
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:43:49 PM
Move on pal, delete and block her number, remove all emails and block.

This can happen with patterns of abuse. For some reason(I'm no doctor so I can't give you the technical jargon) some people, usually with low self esteem, will repeat this over and over. In the worst cases, it results in murder.

You have to feel sorry for not only her, but especially the child. He has no defense against this slime. If you stay around, you will only become the person who she runs to, when it gets bad.

You cannot fix someone else, she has to get help from a professional, and stick to her guns, breaking it off, and having no further contact with this guy.

Good luck
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 5
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:45:12 PM
My question is, why would a girl return to someone like that ???
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Well, sexually, there are people that like to be tied up and whipped. You could ask the same question of them and I'm sure you'll get a definate answer.

My input: She likes the treatment.
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 3:46:15 PM
Unfortunately, she has mental/ emotional issues. Your new mantra - Better him than you (lather, rinse, repeat as necessary).

Break contact (change phone, etc.) before he goes nuts on you. NO MORE contact, no matter what "Mr. Happy" wants!
 Jamie95622
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 7
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:12:42 PM
i dunno,,,,,,,perhaps she was willing to do ANYTHING to get away from you????

always two sides to a story....

sincerely yours ....the devil's advocate
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 8
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:17:30 PM
She's co-dependent and likes the drama. If he did change..she probably wouldn't want him anymore.
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:32:09 PM
Probably her PIMP..lol your better off without her.. if she is soooo blind to see her real man
is before her, treating with great respect.. She is not the one for you... I am so thankful that i don't
have to deal with that crap. Some people are born with brains and self esteen.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 10
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 4:35:17 PM
Bullies and their victims have a lot in common.
She's as sick as he is.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 11
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:17:47 PM
She has low self-esteem and self-worth. However this man treats her though, she knows he will always come back to her. She sees that as love. That's as much reliability as she's used to. Her self-esteem issues mean that she doesn't feel she can cope alone and someone is better then no one, in her mind.

Yes, you treated her well, but she didn't understand that. She doesn't understand that she is worth more then the situation she has returned to. And to an extent, because you treated her well, she was fearful that one day, you'd realize she was as worthless as she believed, and leave her.

People like her need a wider support network to escape the abuse. They need counselling and reassurance from more then one source that they do deserve better. Without the support network to help her rationalize her thoughts in times of self-doubt, without slowly building her self-esteem, she will never truly believe she's worth any more. She is inter-dependent with him and that's not a quick fix situation. You can't fix her, she needs to want to fix herself.
 Kentish-Man
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 12
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 5:36:56 PM
OP, why would *you* want to go out with a girl like that? Talk about drama....
 many_joyful_returns
Joined: 5/18/2011
Msg: 13
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:00:42 PM

and always told me she felt bad because her son couldnt grow up with his dad, she told me once she was thinking about going back, that she should give him the chance to show hes changed


She feels guilty about putting her needs (to get away from her abuser) above what she believes is in her son's best interest (to grow up with his dad). She hasn't yet realized that her son isn't immune from the abuse. For his sake and hers, I hope she figures this out and reaches deep inside to find the strength to break the pattern.

mjr
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 14
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:02:47 PM

why would a girl return to someone like that ??? knowing what kind of guy he is, !!!


Another factor in people staying in the cycle of abuse is because part of the cycle of abuse is the rescue/honeymoon phase, in which traumatic bonding occurs, akin to the Stockholm Syndrome. Someone described it to me like this: if someone pushes you out of a boat way out in the ocean, you are terrified and go into a primal state of shear terror. If that person then also pulls you out of the ocean and back into the safety of the boat, you might bond to that person for saving your life and that feeling of relief, rescue, might override the threat in your mind. That’s why you so often hear abuse surivivors say, but s/he’s REALLY so good, or we get along most of the time.

Some people say that the key to getting abuse targets to leave is to have them journal the bad stuff so they remember and see the reality in their own handwriting and can't ell themselves, but he's REALLY so good. (which is what they want, of course. Who wants to believe someone terrorizes them, especially someone close to them?) Another thing is to help them recognize that the most insidious part of the abuse cycle is the rescue or honeymoon phase in which the abuser is soooo very good, spectacular, better than most. Abuse targets often think that that is when their abuser is being good (his “real” self), when really, that is when they are being their worst, because they give the sugar to keep the partner in place. It’s disgusting.

Anyway, don’t take that as any reason to try to do anything about this. It’s a nasty mess, so I'd stay away from her.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 15
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 6:58:41 PM
My question is, why would a guy carry on on POF about someone like that ??? knowing what kind of girl she is, !!! ???

Trailer park trash, Jerry Springer show fodder!
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 16
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:23:55 PM
I'd guess in her upbringing, through all her relationships--"normal" and "love" involves great pain and suffering, tests, low self esteem identity, numbness, shame, guilt, manipulation, obligation, taking on other people's problems, covering for them, being loyal to this tie eve if it hurts you-that is "love"-blind loyalty and even dying for this love...
A "normal" relationship outside of this is unfamiliar, fake, inauthentic because there is no great sacrifice--"too easy", too fat and luxurious, too safe.
It's twisted, but "normal" if that's the only thing you've ever known.
As time goes on, one sees if your date has grown up in dysfunction, it has a weight on who they are now.
Get 2 people from difficult families--they may understand each other well but often they produce a conflictual ltr until they work out a lot of those issues.
 sparkledrive
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 17
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:25:21 PM
Prolly for the same reason why you would want to be with a girl who wants to be with a man like that.....
 Zermatt
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 18
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 7:45:52 PM
OP, have you heard of White Knight Syndrome? Where guys want to rescue a damsel in distress? Problem is, you rescue a damsel in distress, what you get is a damsel in distress. Not a whole woman who wants to love and nurture you but a pack of problems and drams.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 19
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/13/2012 8:03:29 PM
She maybe one of those women willing to work things out for the sake of her children.

However, if the guy doesn't change, that would be a horrible upbringing for the child.


If abusers are abusive towards their SO, chances are they will be abusive towards their children as well. That is how the pattern usually goes.
 341islife
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 20
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/14/2012 1:59:16 AM
she wouldn't put her son back into an abusive environment.
walk away. find a woman who isn't stuck in a messed up situation
of smelly laundry.
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 21
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/14/2012 2:44:32 AM
Using Sinner as an example for this type of situation beggars belief. There is a 'cycle' of violence and it goes as follows...Domestic abuse typically follows a pattern consisting of three phases that are repeated, with some
variations, over and over. The first phase is the tension building phase: a time when the abuser is
becoming more irritable, moody, and impatient and his partner is “walking on eggshells” trying to
prevent an increase or outburst of abusive behavior.
Phase two is the “acute battering” or “abusive
phase.” This phase is characterized by an increase in the severity of abuse that may or may not
include physical or sexual violence. During an acute phase a partner may flee, seek medical attention
or tell someone about the abuse.
The third phase is usually called the “honeymoon” phase. It is
characterized by relative calm, apologies and promises by the abuser to change. His partner may feel
both relief and confusion. She often believes him, not recognizing that the “honeymoon” phase is
also intended to control her and keep her in the relationship.
The resounding thought in my head is "Oh that poor child." The child will grow up believing that this behaviour is normal and most likely perpetuate it.
Ever consider that you too are a victim of this man? He doesn't want her, but he doesn't wan't you to have her either.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 22
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/14/2012 3:23:00 AM

I've just finished reading Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. He grew up with violent abuse and went on to be the founder of a company that deals with abuse from domestic violence to presidential assassinations from a predictive (and therefore avoiding) stance and he describes the dynamic slightly differently. He suggests that the 'high' (or relief) of surviving violence and passing back to the kindness stage becomes addictive


One of my favorite non-fiction books. I highly recommend ANYONE to read this. It helps to identify co-dependency, enablers, abuse, etc.
It sees both sides of the spectrum. How to identify abuser (male or female) and how to recognize people who tend to gravitate toward abusers.
 amalefriend
Joined: 2/11/2012
Msg: 23
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/14/2012 4:06:49 AM
She is a flake. Why didn't you exit the relationship at the point that you felt the need to talk her into not going back to him? Now you have let yourself in for all this drama. Enjoy the rollercoaster ride. You could have saved yourself from this. I do not like drama so would have bailed at the point where she had to obsessively talk about him, especially when he has reveiled that he is such a loser. Shows that she is not well mentally then. Your picker is broken that you have stuck it out this long.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 24
girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/14/2012 5:56:37 AM
The "why" must elude anybody who is not into that abuser/enabler lifestyle. But as some other posters pointed out, there is a lot of info around about this intricate web of co-dependency issues.

You just be glad to be rid of her, as the enabler is as screwed up as the abuser.

I know it is painful leaving that little 3 year old in the middle of it, but, as with any other addiction, there is nothing you can do about it (except tipping off child protective services if the guy abuses the child as well).
Otherwise for your own good and safety, cut all contact with that woman and leave them to their chosen lifestyle!!!

And if she should come running back to you after a while, don't even entertain the idea of taking her back.
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 25
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girl returns to guy that beat her abd chopped her hair WTF
Posted: 4/14/2012 6:05:09 AM
She is in denial and wants to give it a chance because he is the father of her child. Her maternal instincts are pushing her to be the nice little family with the white picket fence. She wants the father of their child to be in their son's life. DENIAL is the reason. She needs to get some Abuse Counseling and Codependent Counseling. She needs to learn about the Cycle of Abuse and the honeymoon period. This is when he comes across as changing and the anger escalates and she gets caught in the abuse cycle again. She probably does love you and you her. But for her son's sake----she wants them to have a bond and thinks that this bond can happen quicker if she is with the biological dad. This is one of the "lies", she is believing. If this man is still abusive, he may even abuse their son. If he abuses the mom in front of the child, there is the chance that CPS will get involved and take the child and put him in foster care. CPS takes children away if one parent is abusing the other, even if it is not the abused person's fault. Children grow up learning abuse, so they put the child in a stable environment that is safe. The foster care system is not necessarily stable though and with it come a whole another array of problems.
I do not know how serious you feel about this woman and her son. Maybe she feels there is more of a chance for permanency with this other guy, since he is the dad, her might marry her quicker and she feels this will give her life some stability. SHE is dead wrong. If this man is abusive, he will ruin her life and her son's. The only thing you can do is to let her know how you feel, that you love her and that you could give her and her son a future through a commitment. Just be honest with her. If she still chooses to leave, there is nothing you can do. Try to get her into Abuse Counseling, because she is living an illusion that things will get better if he has not gotten himself help and has some time between to demonstrate that he truly has changed and uses better coping skills other than abuse.
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