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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > How do I accept and be happy being single?      Home login  
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 kire122881
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 1
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How do I accept and be happy being single?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
First, to clarify, being "single" for me doesn't mean I'm out hitting the clubs, sleeping with random women, or going on dates right and left. It pretty much means that I lack a significant other, and feel (or maybe am?) "undateable".

Now, I'm 30 years old and have been single for many years now (glance at my profile if you wish to see what I look like). I haven't been on an actual date in three years. Most girls I meet are either taken, or are definitely not interested in me, and the few I have dated have been unstable, suicidal, drug addicts, or control freaks.; I did *not* seek these women out, they found me somehow.

My sex drive is rather low, so its not like I'm some frustrated h0rny guy who "can't get any". Sex rarely enters my mind, and when it does, its not hard to push such thoughts away.
To reiterate: I'm just not a horn-dog. Doesn't mean I'm sexually repressed, was molested, am keeping some tension or something bottled up, or am cold and heartless...its just a low sex drive and I've been told it runs in the family.

To those who say I should get some friends, a dog/cat/other pet, religion, or a hobby: I have a large group of friends of all types, I'm not a loner, I have a dog AND cats, two annoying loud birds (lol), am not religious, and plenty of stimulating hobbies.
Lack of activities and platonic companions is not my problem in the slightest.

I didn't write this thread to ask how to get a date...I just want to know how to be happy being single if I happen to not ever find anyone.

***Also, don't even bother recommending "pick-up-artist" and "improving self confidence" books/authors/websites/forums/etc. to me; I'm not stupid enough to waste my time or money on that cr@p.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 2
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 5:32:36 PM
You live life by enjoying what you love to do. Happiness comes from within by being satisfied with what you have.
Learn to enjoy and give thanks for all you have, be it friend, cats, dogs, time, hobbies, etc...
 rec_diver
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 3
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 5:47:59 PM
I read your post, scratched my head, tried to think of an answer, and came up with nothing.

I honestly don't know how you can be happy if you never ever meet a woman with whom you enter a committed exclusive relationship for the rest of your natural life.

I do ok on my own, post divorce life has me in and out of short to medium term relationships, because I haven't yet found a woman with whom I care to go the distance , although I'm 3 months in to a really good thing right now so who knows..

But to accept with finality that absolutely no woman finds me attractive enough to date, let alone get involved with?

Just shoot me please.

Sorry that's all I got.
 kire122881
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 4
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 5:51:52 PM
If it were possible to pose an entire question and related details in a title, we wouldn't need much in the way of forums...
So yeah...either read my question or don't, but the details are important and require reading less than a page of text, not that hard to do.
 kire122881
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 5
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 6:28:15 PM
I have traveled, and by traveling I mean hitchhiking around the west coast, flat broke, sleeping under overpasses and other sketchy areas, and living amongst the street kids. Crazy? Some might say so, but it was quite the experience, if nothing else. I've also gone on more conventional trips to national parks, historical sites, the ocean, etc by car.
I've been going to raves for years, so I guess I'm not horrible at dancing, though I don't know salsa, tango, waltzes, etc - the more traditional "dancing".
 tjl503
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 6
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 6:30:25 PM
If you're not happy with your life you can't expect to meet a woman and that it will solve all your problems. I have learned in life that I'm responsible for my own happiness. If you aren't happy with yourself then you will fail at a relationship because relationships aren't all freaking rainbows and blow jobs. It takes work. Right now you need to be greedy and concentrate on yourself, jerk off, bang a few bar hoodrats if you need sex but go out and find things you truly enjoy in life. Women aren't going anywhere.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 7
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 7:09:55 PM
So,are you saying OP, that you are NOT happy being single????? And are you also saying you HAVEN'T "accepting" that you actually are single???? Cause, with your question, this is the answer I'm gettin with my questions. Lets start there, and THEN we'll carry on.

So,,,,what's the answers?????
 kire122881
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 8
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 7:10:11 PM
@bethesdafoodie: I ought to have clarified, by "dating" those girls I meant I was in a committed relationship with them - boyfriend/girlfriend, ya know? - I've been in four volatile, dysfunctional, short-lived relationships, none of which lasted longer than six months. And yes, I can guarantee that every single one of those girls had serious mental, emotional, or substance abuse problems. I'm not a vindictive or vengeful person; I'm not making up sh!t about my ex's trying to make myself look better, only stating a fact.

I'm not completely socially inept, and especially after my last relationship, I am quite observant of any warning signs. Did I ignore them before? Yes.
My fault for being blinded by love? Yes.
But to say that *I* am the reason that each one of my relationships has failed is not true. Maybe if I had been involved with someone more stable, then it would have been different.

Aside from those people, the amount of just casual dates I've gone on (outside of a relationship) I can count on one hand...and one of these was way back in high school. All of these girls were quirky, as this is my type, but not insane.

I've only asked out a girl once, about ten years ago - this was one of those dates I mentioned above.
*Every other time*, its the girl who initiated contact.
If a girl is interested in me, I certainly don't spurn her advances; its once-in-a-blue-moon that something like this happens at all.

I know, this is not the norm, and might even be a problem, but it is a fact. I have little interest in trying to get dates, or seeking out female companionship; this doesn't mean that I'm a bad partner or distant and uncaring.

And I've changed a lot throughout my life, been a lot of rough sh!t and hard times. I'm not the same person I was ten, or even five, years ago. If someone doesn't like the way I dress, act, or look...tough beans! I'm not on this planet to impress people or live up to some stereotype; I'm quite happy with the way I am and am not going to settle or pretend to be someone I'm not simply to find a girl.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 9
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/16/2012 10:50:10 PM
If you need to 'accept' it, and to 'be happy' like you say, you probably have not done it, you are not, and you don't want to.
Why accept undesirable things?

On the other hand, you seem to be uninterested and unwilling to put any effort it changing what you don't like.
Girls have to fall in your path, happiness has to walk up to you and kiss the hem of your garments, and you are content to go about your life partying out with your friends and doing your stimulating hobbies.

You don't currently have a job, you plan to go to school 'when you get the money' - your words- and wonder what is missing. Darn, you say you don't even have sex in your mind too often, how is that for adding extra nails to your coffin!

On the plus side, just when you think you got it all down pat, life has a strange way to flip it all upside down and make 180 degree changes, so don't get too comfortable.
I think you lack motivation.
If you have hard time figuring out all the whys and the hows, try to picture what you want your life to be like, say, in five years from now. Then make a plan, and try to get there from here. There is satisfaction and fulfillment to be had if you put work towards something you care about. If you are aimless, you attract losers and the dysfunctional types you describe. You are only 30 so you have all the time in the world to get yourself in a better path, and being happy for who you are attracts same.

Good luck
 trh1268
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 10
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/17/2012 8:45:01 AM
Go out and be your own companion, if you stay home, you will think about loneliness and the refridgerator will be your companion. Why not try a free website meetup dot com, type your zip code and join groups to meet people you can participate in social events or you can be assistant organizer and run social events yourself. ITS FREE!
If i'm not dating anyone, i go to plan B which is meetup groups.
 kire122881
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 11
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/17/2012 11:33:03 AM
@bethesdafoodie: I went on a few dates with these girls, but it wasn't very long from first-meeting to official boyfriend/girlfriend status, at their insistence. And duh, I know that's only a recipe for disaster, but I was caught up in those blissful moments which blinded my judgment.

Change, for me, has naturally occurred with the passage of time, and I'm sure it will continue to throughout my life. Sometimes one is able to affect change in radical ways by hard work and perseverance, but often one just bangs their head against the wall in frustration. Most of my changes have been for the better, and sometimes they've really thrown a wrench into the works. Life is not perfect, and not all of us are dealt the same hand.

As for erroneously grouping me amongst the "copy cat rebellious adults" (aka hipsters, etc), you don't know me personally, so maybe don't jump to hasty conclusions.

The extent of my drug use is smoking weed, and the legal vices of caffeine and nicotine, the latter being the most detrimental to my health. I barely drink (a couple beers per week, no liquor, no wine) and don't do hard drugs (although I've certainly tried my share of both). The fact that I'm an adult is irrelevant; I do these things because I enjoy them, not to be rebellious.
As for being unemployed (the economy isn't that great in my area, and jobs are scarce), it doesn't mean that I'm lazy. When I had a job, I was a productive and reliable employee. I still do volunteer work every summer, I help my friends and family with their numerous computer problems, and do any under-the-table general labor that comes my way.

I have no problem being who I am, and definitely wouldn't alter my personality, interests or attitudes simply to not be single. If a girl won't accept me as I am (not who she thinks I should be, nor who society or religion or whatever thinks I should be), then oh well. You are quite correct that I will probably continue to attract the same types of girls, and as I said, I don't spurn such advances.

But maybe I should?

For example, I mentioned that I hardly drink and don't do hard drugs, but that I've tried them; I no longer indulge in these because I don't like them (their aftereffects, monetary impact, outcome, lifestyle, etc) and saw little redeeming value in continuing to do them. I recognized them as a destructive influence and cut them out of my life.
Maybe I should recognize that relationships (for me) have been also been a destructive influence, and step permanently away from that type of human interaction?

Its not as though I crave sex, and would be miserable for denying my biological imperatives; as I said, I barely (casual) date and don't seek out physical relationships.

You are correct, however, that I feel like something is missing in my life, therefore I'm not completely happy (or not as happy as I ought to be). The problem is that I don't know what that missing piece is (I already know plenty of things that is it NOT) and figured that maybe finding a nice girl would be the answer, but maybe its not, and I'm fully ready to accept that I'm one of those people who is not meant to have a relationship.

That statement should not be construed as a pity-party, by the way. I loved my girlfriends very much, and would gave done anything to help or protect them (ex. I had to stop one of them from intentionally OD'ing on cough medicine, one I had to pull down from the rail of the bridge she was about to leap to her death from, another I had to stop her from slitting her wrists with a broken mirror)...but if these are the only kind of girls that will come my way, then maybe I'm better off by myself.

I have my friends, and my family, and myself.
Maybe that's all I really need.

(and just because someone is in a relationship doesn't mean that they're happy, or that their relationship is healthy. Some of us are partnered with the wrong person, some jump from relationship-to-relationship to not be alone, some are pushed into it by family; if everyone was peachy-keen, there would be no breakups, divorce, spousal abuse, broken homes, bored housewives, and miserable husbands)
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 12
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:59:05 PM
Where can you find love and happiness?
That's the question, really.
A lot of people think that if only they can get enough people (or someone special) to love them, it will be ok.
The truth is, even when they get someone, that usually isn't enough.

Start loving and giving love. Forget about finding or receiving it.
You don't search for love. You just give it away to people.

Sure, they may not reciprocate. So what?

If you don't turn yourself into your own nuclear reactor, you will always be an appliance that needs to be plugged in somewhere.
Are you a television set or an aircraft carrier?
Which would you rather be?
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 13
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/18/2012 1:07:17 AM
I've read your details and they are a little bit out there IMHO.

You say are you are around so many people but all that is left for you are bad people so you just want to avoid them. That's ridiculous.

You dont have to be brad pitt to get dates. If you are as social as you say, then you are in the wrong circle of people.

It's like you are saying,"oh well; either women don't want me or they are terrible in the first place. How do I be single? "

lol
you've given up. I mean you can either accept being single or try harder at picking better people to date. Not much more to do. I wish you well,
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 14
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:30:47 PM
Back to the OP


How do I accept and be happy being single?


Well. Are you happy being single? If you aren't happy being single then why should you accept it? A lot of people seem to think it's easy to find the person that they would want to have a long lasting relationship with. If they could come to terms that what they are looking for is hard to find then we wouldn't be so worried when we didn't find it.

You wouldn't make you sad if you didn't find a 10 karat diamond while walking on the beach. Why. Because you wouldn't expect to. You shouldn't expect to find the woman of your dreams. The higher your standards the less you should be able to expect to find it.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 15
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/18/2012 7:50:36 PM
just be :)

you are single and are not constrained by relationships-- meaning you should be carefree

I haven't dated anyone in 2 years and it doesn't really bother me at all.

I have all the time and freedom in the world to pursue things that bring me happiness and i am not tied down by anyone.

I like to spend the morning working out and then drive out running errands while appreciating how beautiful the day is.

I just enrolled in school to study computer repair and plan on studying more guitar for recreation and may take a cooking class somewhere down the line.

Happiness is from within and not from external sources.

stay positive and carpe diem!

be glad with what you have and move on, life is to short to fuss over whether one is single or not.

I know a lot of people (men and women) in their 30s that are single-- that's the norm now.
 kire122881
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 16
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/19/2012 1:03:39 AM
@chancesrmd: Alright, an example - some people are paralyzed (born that way, neurological damage, etc) and cannot walk or move. For some, there are artificial limbs and what-have-you...but those don't work for everyone; some people never walk again.
Some people are blind or deaf (maybe a better example) and are never able to hear or see again.

And all these folks learn to live with it, they accept and make the best of a really sh!tty situation.

That's basically what I'm asking - not how to get dates, but how to live being single. And accept it and enjoy it.
[remember, read my first post, "single" for me isn't going on dates and living the "swingin' bachelor life," single for me is basically being alone]
I consider it a very real possibility that I might be single for life, or at least for a very long time, and it would certainly be nice to have a positive attitude.

I don't expect to find the girl of my dreams; such things make good plots for movies, that's all. I do have some standards that I am inflexible on (ex. no children, no meth addicts, etc), but I don't see why I shouldn't be a tiny bit picky.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 17
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/19/2012 6:19:14 AM
definitely what Holycowwow said. You live life by enjoying what you do.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 18
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 4/19/2012 6:21:38 AM

And all these folks learn to live with it, they accept and make the best of a really sh!tty situation.


That's what I was trying to address. Do you feel like you are single because you have to be or is it your choice to be single?

Plenty of blind, deaf, paralyzed and other types of handicapped people out there are happily married, so it's fair to say that there is somebody out there for everyone. For some of us it's just harder to find. It's more of a challenge. Like a handicapped person might find it harder to do tasks that most of us take for granted.

I believe that we all have our handicaps in dating. Things about us that make our relationship pond smaller. It can be because someone is so darn good looking that everyone assumes they are out of their league and they only attract shmucks and not the kind of guy they would like to meet. You have to be in their shoes to understand it. Many of these handicaps are not by our own choice. We can't help what genes we were given. These things are not our choice.

The other side of this is if you are being single by choice. Other posters have indicated they are single by there own choice. I've been single, no girlfriend, for 8 years. It's a choice I make every time I don't start or continue a relationship with someone. By no stretch of the means am I a swinging bachelor. I can't remember the last time I had sex. With another person that is. That was living. Just kidding. Yet I don't feel lonley. Knowing all I have to do is pick up the phone or get in my car and I have friends and family there takes away and feeling of lonliness. I'm not just content I'm happy with it. If I found someone perfect for me would I walk away from it? Not on your life. But am I happy with being single? Absolutely. I get to do what I want, when I want and with who I want. I'm taking full advantage of the benefits of being single. There are benefits and sacrafices with being in a relationship as well as being single. Being happy with your current situation lies in looking at the glass half full or the glass half empty. Embrace what you have in the moment and don't fret over what you have no control over.

I hope that helps.
 bluenit64
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 19
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 5/9/2012 9:58:24 PM
Kire,

You look like my uncle sir, hes a doctor at 50 something with a wife and kids, so there is hope for you. but I know how frustrated you feel, I kinda feel like it will be the same for me, I live in a small town with many clicks and way to many rednecks for its own good. the way I deal with being single is by trying to get to know a girl then asking her out and if I weird her out in anyway I back off and they usually seek me out. but I also drink and eat junk food & try to pass the time with schoolwork and playing computer games. I would only try the schoolwork or job method, if your working your not thinking about what could have been and so on.

-Sincerely,

-James.
 bluenit64
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 20
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 5/9/2012 10:16:49 PM
KatarzynaS,

I'm more then sure you'll find someone, the fact that your as beautiful as you are and still single is beyond me and I know how you feel my two best friends are engaged to girls they've been dating for 4-12 years and I've been trying to find that one girl to settle down with sense I was 15 but I ended up with the wrong kind and things never worked out.

IHateDoubleStandards,

I know how you feel as well sir, in fact I had an interesting situation happen to me towards the end of the last semester my friend Matt whos actually well received by women and very well liked by everyone was looking for a shirt as a momento for school because it was his last semester... I had a shoot scheduled with an aquaintence of mine Rebah, well I had had a crush on my friend Takia for awhile and she agreed to pose for me for most of my photo 2 assignments but about 60% of the time would cancel at the very last moment so rebah stepped in,

I was overjoyed that she was helping me and we got so many great shots in literally 20 minutes. well I had talked to Matt about Takia before and I gave Rebah a hug and I'm not gonna lie to you teared up abit because she bailed me out of failing the class and every picture counted and it would have been the first class I would have failed in my scholastic career. well about 20 mins after I gave him the shirt they were all hanging out infront of the lab and I was working on one of the computers in the front Rebah told him about me giving her a hug and thought it was cute Matt told her she should be careful with that before that. I had defended Matt a day prior to this because people were gathering around a door while him and a friend were having a private discussion I was in the middle of a shoot and told them to mind their own business one of the people in the group Matt and Rebah told Matt to be careful because I got him that shirt. its a very strange click like society living in KY, you do good for people and show some gratitude only to be shat on later. sorry for the book lol I thought it would fit the situation.
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 21
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 5/10/2012 4:26:36 AM
Domo... If I was younger and lived closer to you I'd date you in a second. I think you're really cute!
 RuMyWoman
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 22
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 5/10/2012 1:31:28 PM
Simple, doing the things that YOU truly enjoy and reaching out to others in need. Tremendous way to achieve joy and happiness.
 NotyouraverageD
Joined: 5/15/2012
Msg: 23
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 5/28/2012 7:45:21 PM
I have a simple question for you:
Are you the man you want to be?
Yes or no.
If the answer is no, then you have work to do.
I'm 52 and decided last year to do some self improvement - and it worked and worked and then really worked. I passed more fitness thresholds than I thought ever existed.
I thought the dating part of my life was over, but I look good now - better than I ever have in my life.
This is me at 52, bro.
And I'm close to being the man I want to be.
Being the man you really want to be doesn't happen overnight, but finding the right woman just might.
Just be the person you are, do the things you do, work on the things that make sense to you.
That's really it.
If you do find someone or many someone's in the future - great.
If not, at least you are the man you truly want to be...
 remaining_optimistic
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 24
How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 5/29/2012 3:06:39 PM
Ive been single a long time sure ive had dates here and there and the whole FWB thing. I met someone not to long ago that made me see how much i missed having someone. Well i screwed that up and now we are just frineds with no chance of anything more. Where am i going with this you maybe asking well here.

This past weekend i went aways with a bunch of friends there were a few single guys there as well as 3 couples and 4 children under the age of ten including a 2 week old. Well by the end of the weekend i can say i think im all set with a relationship and children for right now. All weekend there was constent bickering between the couples the guys always had to check with the female counterpart if it was alright if they did something. If the female said no that was the end of it.

Well by the end of the weekend all the single guys that had been talking about wanting to find someone to settle down with all had a different tone and realized how nice it is being single do what we want when we want ect. We also all had a giant condom sign flashing in our head all weekend. So find yourself a good group of friends with common interest spend time with them and dont try to force anything. If its going ot happen it will. If that doens twork for you ill set you up with this group and ill put money on it by the end of a 3 day weekend youll be singing a different tune. I know i am.
 kire122881
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 25
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How do I accept and be happy being single?
Posted: 5/29/2012 4:15:38 PM
@LathaMath: I'm aware that a dating website is not necessarily a place to ask about *not* dating, but like I said, on the chance that I never find anyone, I at least want to be somewhat happy in life; I find this whole "you have to love yourself before someone loves you," thing to be one of life's biggest Catch-22's.

Although I rarely or never bring up dating, sex, or relationships in conversation, the fact that I'm the *only* single one among my friends is a detail that is not lost upon me. I sometimes feel like a third wheel, or that the way (coupled) people act towards me is condescending (ie. they feel sorry for me, because they feel I am not as fulfilled as they are).
And lying to my family and friends about my single status won't work, because they remember quite well my track record in relationships, know that I never casual date, and have little interest in physical intimacy. Saying that "I just haven't found the right person" wouldn't fly as an excuse, since I never (or hardly ever) put any effort towards finding anyone at all.
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