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 AUTHOR
 Aehs01
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 1
Should these be red flags? Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I am by no means new to dating or online dating for that matter. I just have been a bit curious about this recent girl I've been seeing. I thought I'd get an overall opinion.

So this girl is 22 and has a child, I've never dated a girl with a kid before but I am open to it. I'm 27, have a good job and a college education.

So here is how our dates have gone-
-First date we grabbed ice cream and basically ended up talking to each other all night. Night ended with us making out and went pretty well.
-Second date we went out to dinner at a nice place and I took her to see a movie, pretty typical I know but it still went rather well.

-Third date we were going to do something a bit more active like roller skating but the place was closed, we ended up watching Trueblood episodes at my house and she actually stayed the night. We made out a lot but didn’t have sex.. I was not edging for it because I think waiting till things are a bit more exclusive is better, at least if I’m looking for a relationship and I am.

-Fourth date I brought her to a car show, it went well and she seemed to have fun. This day got me slightly curious because I invited a kid from highschool I hardly talk to these days and we were all talking quite a bit. I think at one point during the day they might have exchanged numbers as I saw them both holding their phones talking a ton while I was else where talking to other people. I didn’t feel right asking her about it so I have not said anything.
-Fifth date, this is tomorrow and I am undecided what we would do.

I’ll note my positive remarks first about what I feel so far-
-She’s laid back
-Fun to be around, we click during conversation and flirting is enjoyable
-Sarcastic
-She seems to have ambition to do more with her life
-Very accepting in terms of what we might be doing
-Attractive
-Has a clear idea of what she would like to do for work (I have been out with several women who had no drive or ambition, no clue)
-Seems easy to bring around other people, should be fine to bring around friends & family (very important to me).

Now here are the red flags that have concerned me about this chick.
-She does not live with her child, the mother of the Ex is the guardian. From what I’ve heard it is very difficult to have the child taken from the mother like what has happened in her scenario. My best guess is money and living situation.
-She mentions her father is a bad person, used to beat her and all this.. nothing I can relate to.
-She lives with her sisters father (a different father apparently) and his wife. She actually mentioned sleeping on a futon.. this concerned me a bit that her living scenario sounds terrible.
-As of date #3 she explained she is getting kicked out due to not finding a full time job in a time frame they gave her, although she mentions moving in with a friend who is actually much closer.. just in the town over. This one really worried me a bit.
-She does not have a car
-She only works part time doing retail (says she is trying to get full time)
-She constantly will be on her phone texting or on FB (no way to tell) when I’m with her, could be guys or who knows.
-She seems to have no issue talking about ex boyfriends and bringing them up ALL the time (oh, yeah my ex’s father bought me this purse) stuff like that.
-She is one of those ‘I hangout with guys more than girls’ types.
She hungout with a guy at a carnival, someone I’m pretty sure she recently had met (most likely on PoF) between our date #1 and #2. I didn’t have to ask anything about this situation here cause some other random guy on her Facebook called her out on photos she posted of them hanging out saying something like ‘who’s that clown?’ in which she replied ‘we are just friends’. I realize she is not a girlfriend so I really just wrote this off completely, can’t hold her to it or anything.

Now this didn’t really bug me, especially since she’s not my girlfriend but it was something I wanted to keep in mind.

So yesterday she also posts up a bunch of photos of her at the Beach with another guy, laughing, smiling together.. tons of photos. Again, I have no idea if this should be a red flag. I just know in the past, most of the women I would eventually start dating would not have some of these things happening with their life.

What would you do in my scenario?
 StraylightRunn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 2
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 1:40:21 PM
She doesn't have a car, she's 22, employed, bad family life it sounds like. IDK...does it bother you that she's not more stable? Cause if stability is what you're looking for you're definitely not going to get it with this girl.
 Aehs01
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 3
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 1:44:28 PM
Yeah, I mean she is also really pretty good about getting back to me via text and sticking with plans. Some women are terrible with this kind of thing and it's a huge pet peeve of mine.

In terms of stable.. job wise and money wise, yeah it concerns me a bit. I actually was talking to her about helping her spruce up her resume a bit, mostly out of just plain generosity.
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 4
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 1:48:57 PM
From what you posted looks to me like due to her instability, the custody of her kid went to someone else .... not a very promising sign IMO .....


My further two cents: She should prioritize getting her ducks in a row FIRST (work and a stable living situation) before trying to find a man to place in her life ........ To me, dating is a form of recreation -- something that requires an investment of self, time (and sometimes money) ....... If you haven't even straightened out other needs in your life which are more pressing, how can one possibly dedicate themselves fully into building a healthy, stable relationship with another person? ......


 StraylightRunn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 5
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 1:49:34 PM
Well...it's possible that she is just a victim of circumstance. Maybe something bad happened that put her in this situation idk. Maybe helping spruce up her resume might help out. Maybe she just needs a nudge in the right direction. Just step warily, and be ready for fall out.
 Chrisdan57
Joined: 1/31/2012
Msg: 6
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 1:55:43 PM
If you are looking to date, have a good time and someone to do it with she is probably a good person for that. If you are looking for a long term situation that will lead to a serious relationship. it sounds unlikely.
 StraylightRunn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 7
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 1:59:41 PM
No one said that. We all did sort of hint at the strong possibility that she isn't a stable person. We're not "Haters". It's not unrealistic for someone to have a job, or a car. It's not unrealistic to expect someone who has a kid to maintain the custody of their child. Those things aren't unrealistic expectations.
 lilsapp13
Joined: 12/13/2008
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:00:53 PM
Honestly it kinda sounds like you're about to break out the super hero cape and try to save this girl and it doesn't sound like she wants to be saved. While she does have some good qualities, there are some serious red flags. Just because she is salvageable doesn't mean you have to be the one that does the salvaging. You might want to let her have some time to get her ish all the way together before she tries to date anyone.
 tjl503
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 9
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:03:25 PM
This is why I would never get involved with a 22 year old. Texting, guy friends, more texting, flirting, lying, partying. Her parents kicked her out, ex's mom took the kid. There's more to her that you don't know about that would probably sway you in the other direction running far away from her.

This girl is a party girl who I wouldn't touch with my friends dic*. Why did you invite your friend on your date? Why don't you ask him if they exchanged numbers? That would be shady of your friend and shady of her seeing you guys kissed the date before.

You're just going to end up getting your feelings hurt, I would leave her alone. Looking to see what her updates on facebook seeing pics of her and a guy she met after you and they are just friends? Na, she's playing the field... In no way will you be able to trust someone like that. You're looking for a relationship? Well she's 22 having fun and not looking to settle down, her actions can tell you that. Look for someone more mature, perhaps closer to your age.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 10
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:03:25 PM
You sound like a very sensible and wise young man. There are a couple of different issues here and seperating them might help you think more clearly.

First there is her living conditions/family/employment situation. Her child not living with her is definitely something to wonder about. It could be a temporary arrangement due to her not having her own place but I would still wonder at a parent that would give up custody of a young child without being forced to. I would wait maybe one or two more dates and then I'd ask her about that.

Not having a fulltime job is an issue also but it depends on your criteria for this. It can be hard finding work and so long as she is a) looking actively and genuinely and b) paying her way with rent/board/food/etc and c) not expecting you to pay all the time or help her out with money, then it might not be an issue. If she's managing and has plans then you could let this one slide for now.

Not living on her own - again this depends on you whether you are ok with this. She is young with a child and currently working part time. Living with family is the most sensible option for her. Maybe she is trying to save money to get her own place and get her daughter back.

If everything else was perfect, I would say give it some time, ask some more questions and then decide if she is worth the risk that this could turn into a dependant (+1) situation that you will struggle to get out of. There could be negative reasons she is living as she does (eg drug use/criminal activity/bankruptcy or huge debts) so you do need to know at some point (soonish) what's going on. Don't interrogate her, but just ask as any normal, caring and interested person would.

If you get through her living/family issues and decide she is worth pursuing, then you have to have a think about the male friends, phone calls and facebook type issues. You have wisely noticed some things that *might* be a concern. Very sensible to always be alert but not paranoid - which you don't seem to be.

Texting and being on fb when she is in your company is plain rude and not acceptable and also indicates an addiction to the site that is unhealthy. But mostly it's just rude. You don't know if she exchanged numbers with your friend but she's entitled to at this point - very rude if she did but you have to either ask or move on.

A lot of the other things you mentioned are maybe yellow flags but definitely worth keeping in mind. I think she is likely to always have you wondering what she is doing and who she is with.

There is also a lot of difference between 22 and 27 in terms of maturity. That could be your biggest issue.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 11
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:03:45 PM
You are the only one who can decide if this girl is right for you or not - and with regards to your red-flags, an accepting you might be right, have you considered :-


She does not live with her child, the mother of the Ex is the guardian. From what I’ve heard it is very difficult to have the child taken from the mother like what has happened in her scenario. My best guess is money and living situation.

She might have decided that her child would have a better life being raised by the mother of the Ex. As parents, we put our child's needs above our own and their well-being above anything else. You did not mention how old the child is so there is no indication of how young the mother was when the child was born but if the guardian is financially stable, loving and allows the birth mother access to the child, I can see that in certain situation, this would not be a red flag and more an indication of making a personal sacrifice for the good of the child. Giving up a child when you love them is a damn sight harder then keeping them because it requires being self-less.


She mentions her father is a bad person, used to beat her and all this.. nothing I can relate to.

Great people come from bad parents, and bad people come from great parents - don't put the girl on trial for her parents sins.


She lives with her sisters father (a different father apparently) and his wife. She actually mentioned sleeping on a futon.. this concerned me a bit that her living scenario sounds terrible.

So a member of her extended family offered her a home even though their living space isn't really set up for a long-term guest. Sounds like the girl has support from her extended family.


As of date #3 she explained she is getting kicked out due to not finding a full time job in a time frame they gave her, although she mentions moving in with a friend who is actually much closer.. just in the town over. This one really worried me a bit.

Oh - an extended family which holds her accountable for the deal she made. Boundaries and conditions are good things for a young adult. She also sounds like she fully expects them to see it through so they are people of their word. And it sounds like she has taken the steps to ensure she isn't homeless after failing to secure a full time job, so she's not procrastinating and she's not expecting to whine and manipulate them into caving. Everyone knows where they stand in the family. Support is offered and conditions are clearly communicated and expectations are known and honored. I wish half the young adults in the World today could say they have that.


She does not have a car

It would be a greater concern if she did have one as in her current situation, it's clear that a car is low down on the priorities as it should be.


She only works part time doing retail (says she is trying to get full time)

So she's working and trying to find full-time employment and this is bad how ?


She constantly will be on her phone texting or on FB (no way to tell) when I’m with her, could be guys or who knows.


She seems to have no issue talking about ex boyfriends and bringing them up ALL the time (oh, yeah my ex’s father bought me this purse) stuff like that.


-She is one of those ‘I hangout with guys more than girls’ types.

So she's a little immature and has some growing to do and needs to learn some boundaries and manners. But she's 22 and you aren't in a relationship with her. Of course, you will have clearly communicated how you feel about this so she is aware of it ?


She hungout with a guy at a carnival, someone I’m pretty sure she recently had met (most likely on PoF) between our date #1 and #2. I didn’t have to ask anything about this situation here cause some other random guy on her Facebook called her out on photos she posted of them hanging out saying something like ‘who’s that clown?’ in which she replied ‘we are just friends’. I realize she is not a girlfriend so I really just wrote this off completely, can’t hold her to it or anything.

Now this didn’t really bug me, especially since she’s not my girlfriend but it was something I wanted to keep in mind.

You already know the answer to this. She's not sleeping with you. She's likely not sleeping with him. It sounds like a young girl, expanding her social circle. She likely lost some friends who were out partying when she was pregnant. It sounds like she's just hanging out with you and until that changes, why shouldn't she hang out with others too ?


So yesterday she also posts up a bunch of photos of her at the Beach with another guy, laughing, smiling together.. tons of photos. Again, I have no idea if this should be a red flag. I just know in the past, most of the women I would eventually start dating would not have some of these things happening with their life.

This girl isn't hiding anything. She hasn't made you any promises. You haven't made her any promises. You are not in a relationship. At the moment, you are just a new buddy to hang out with, unless/until you decide to change that.
 Aehs01
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 12
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:06:35 PM
Some good things to consider here guys. I am by all means not perfect myself but I consider myself to be much more stable with my job, education, money etc.

I am going to see what happens tomorrow, maybe have a talk about what she wants out of us hanging out and try to put some perspective into things.
 StraylightRunn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 13
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:11:16 PM
He didn't judge anyone. He mentioned concerns he had and asked how other would perceive them. Everyone except Landra (lawlz) implied that he should be careful and that she likely isn't a very stable person. Not because she gave up her kid but because she gave up her kid, doesn't work full-time, doesn't have a place of her own, came from abusive parents. I mean how many less than ideal things does a person have to have before you can be concerned with who she is as a person? What is it people are supposed to judge people on? Their words? You have to make judgements based on some sort of measurable criteria. That doesn't mean she's a bad person. She's just most likely unstable. Her living conditions are extremely unstable. What you rather is what you rather...but he asked for advice...and we are being reasonable adults and suggesting he tread lightly. No one said she should have a high paying job, hahahaha...you're refusing to acknowledge the fact that she has other issues besides a single issue. Not having a fulltime or high paying job by itself isn't an issue. Not having custody of your child by itself is not an issue. Not having a car by itself, is not an issue. Not having your own place by itself is not an issue. Together...however...they are an issue.
 bethesdafoodie
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 14
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:52:25 PM

Granted she does have a few issues but all those can be changed at some point if she is willing to change them herself.


A few issues?

She sounds like she's flirty with lots of guys and is most likely juggling multiple guys at once.

She doesn't sound like she's had very much if any college education.

She either had a kid when she was young or is a new mother.

She is living on a futon and they're getting ready to kick her out.

The only redeeming features I've read according to the OP is that she has ambition, and frankly ambition is a dime a dozen and doesn't mean they'll actually do anything with that ambition.

I've been there and done that OP, and frankly while it might seem like fun being a "white knight" in the short term, you can't help people that don't truly want to help themselves.

By all means, date her, and if it turns into something long term good for you and good for her, just don't date her with rose colored glasses on that make you ignore her faults because I assure you she won't ignore your faults.
 _allen_
Joined: 6/14/2009
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 3:14:19 PM
First, she has a kid. That's an instant deal breaker in my book. She's only 22. She's doing what most 22 year old do these day - looking for fun and a good time. Of course she's on FB all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she was juggling multiple guys for her attention.

Everything you've told us about her is a 'red flag' but only if you see it as so. Most guys would see her as a huge red flag and would proceed with caution. You should do the same. Don't jump into any relationship with your nose wide open. Get to know her if you're really into her. If these red flags are 'too bright' for you to ignore, move on.

At the moment, it's clear she's not exactly what you're looking for in a mate. If not, why are you still communicating with her?
 bethesdafoodie
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 16
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 3:20:18 PM

wow once again. because someone doesnt have a college degree now they arent dateable either jesus chirst.


Where did I say they aren't dateable? Go ahead, quote me where I said that she's not dateable because of her education?

I will say that a lack of education DOES raise a red flag for most people, and I didn't say college degree, I said education, as in how well she's educated beyond the basics.


Wow no wonder so many men on here are single if you all expect perfection


Oh, don't even go there, no one said that because she's not perfect he should walk away, many of us have stated that her negatives should be taken into account. Besides, you're one to talk given your history of posting, I could find plenty of posts by YOU that show how insane your expectations are, but I don't give two craps about digging up your past posting history because you'll probably just get defensive and claim you didn't mean what you've said.


If they arent exclusive whats wrong with her talking to a few guys? nothing


Assuming that's all they're doing, there is nothing wrong with her talking to other guys while dating him.

To the OP, that brings up a point I forgot to address, which is to discuss exclusivity.

I'd bet money that she's not the type to actually follow through with exclusivity, just because they've "agreed" to be exclusive doesn't mean she'll actually follow through and stop seeing other guys.

But really Domo, she has more than a few issues in MY opinion and frankly while that doesn't mean I see her as undateable it DOES put me on my guard.

I'm not going to sugar coat it and tell the OP to not be reserved when it comes to dating someone with her kind of living situation/history.
 makeupgurl48
Joined: 2/27/2012
Msg: 17
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 3:37:28 PM
These are all definitley red flags. If you are a young man looking for a relationship, this girl is probably not for you. the unfortunate situation is that if the child is a living with someone else other than her, there are issues around the mother and father. I speak from experience, and was a guardian to someone close in my family, and circumstatnces surrounding the situation are usually not good.
She should be putting her child first, and then the dating thing can happen. Also texting and talking with interest to someone other than you is a good sign she is just out to meet different people, which is all fine in the dating world , but just not during your date.
I think it is nice of you to offer to help her out, and if she accepts and is acting forward in a job search and or educating herself to better her situation, great for her.
I agree with the lady that said looks like you are trying to be super hero.
Hang up your cape and move on. At your age, the pond is still very big.
Good luck.:)
 optimismfirst
Joined: 2/29/2012
Msg: 18
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 3:44:03 PM
I would throw things at her.
honestly if she did all those things... I'd leave and never look back
 Aehs01
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 19
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 4:28:15 PM
Well, I know a lot has been said in this thread. Just thought I'd add a couple things.

I know she started to go to school for liberal arts but did not finish her degree. I didn't go into details with her if she just stopped going and can pick it it back up later or if she may possibly be kicked out (I know my sister was kicked out of college for failing classes multiple times).

I decided with all the reading.. I might as well ask, I asked her if she has been in fact dating other men in a calm way.. no anger intended and her response was "I have hung out with a couple other guys, can't say I haven't.. I hope that doesn't like piss you off...=/"

Seems how I feel means something to her at least, who knows.

So I'm just going to go occupy myself for the night, we have plans to hangout tomorrow so I might just talk to her then. Texting is not ideal for this type of discussion.
 SONNI100
Joined: 12/24/2010
Msg: 20
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:02:06 PM
Wish you were telling us a bad joke. You seem to have your stuff pretty together for your age...
My sons are 34 and 40.....I would be hoping this was not the girl you fell in love with..
So many red flags~~
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 21
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:12:58 PM
I think you have serious reservations about this girl being a match for you. That's for you to determine - You would be the one dating her and living with the consequences of doing so.

If you were my son, I would be concerned that this girl would drag you down - just being honest. At the moment, I think you have more questions about her then answers. I also think you have some serious concerns as her background seems to be very different then your own.

Perhaps, the better way forward is to have a serious discussion with her. Ask her outright if she's looking for a relationship with one person or if she's looking for a group of people to hang out with. Ask her the circumstances of her child living with the Ex's mother and find out what involvement she has and if the arrangement is permanent or temporary. Ask her why she didn't finish her degree and if she has an y serious intention of doing so - firm plans not wishy-washy 'pick it up again later' statements. And discuss it to conclusion. If she answers something and you still are unclear, ask the right questions for clarification.

Right now, you have too many unanswered questions for YOU to determine if this young lady is seriously a potential partner. Once you have that data - then follow your gut. It's better for your heart if you determine sooner rather then later, that this isn't a relationship which is going to meet your needs. Don't try and be the Knight in Shining Armor who can see the nice qualities of a girl whose had some tough times - it's not your role to rescue her. Don't take that on yourself.

Personally, the more I read this thread, I simply think you are two individuals who are simply in different stages of your life and sadly, that is often a deal breaker. Just because she's a nice girl and fun to be around and respectful of your time, that doesn't make her the right girl. Your core values have to match for you to even stand a chance together.
 a_Libra_rising
Joined: 2/29/2012
Msg: 22
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:42:45 PM
Seems like it's a bummer that you found someone that you've clicked with and have lots of fun with. Unfortuantely, it doesn't sound to me like she's interested in relationship like you are. Her living situation is crappy, she talks big about her goals and ambitions but she's nowhere near working on it. She has a kid and incapable of taking care her child which is irresponsible. It sounds like she's barely able to take care of herself. However, she sounds like she's quite charming, friendly, and outgoing which are all very nice qualities. It's not like those qualities can't be found in other people.

You seem like a financially sound dude and looking for something more for the long haul. Unless you're racking in 6 digit figures and don't mind playing the father role towards a chick you're dating, I don't see you and her as a well placed match.
 cptqam
Joined: 3/22/2012
Msg: 23
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 11:29:15 PM
I'm gonna go red flags on this one.

My last "girlfriend" had some red flags, but I thought they would subside, so I kept them filed away in my mind. Bad idea.

I'd say if you're having to ask if these things are red flags, you're already suspicious enough that they probably are red flags.
 amore01
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 24
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/17/2012 11:40:12 PM
mess # 11 was completely right...I think if you keep on with her,you will be the one to get played..
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 25
Should these be red flags?
Posted: 4/18/2012 12:57:32 AM
I agree with stray and some of the posters. there are so many red flags that are up it looks like a nascar race during a rain storm.

You should just move on. And why in the heck are you bringing a friend on a date? that's ridiculous in my mind. I didn't get that. Maybe I missed something.

She's extremely immature, very irresponsible and seems to have nothing going for her; she doesnt' have her act together at all and has no goals. mmm

Run; dont walk; to the nearest exit. I think you are being naive to the nth degree. This girl has irresponsible party girl written all over her. She may be cute, but think with the head on top of your shoulders. good luck.

The red flags are hitting you like bricks. Let them hit you so you can wake up a little. You seem like a nice guy but you are going to be played like a fiddle if you stay with this girl. she's not exactly the one guy type I bet. again, move on. good luck.
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