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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Best response for this situation...      Home login  
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 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 1
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Best response for this situation...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Not sure where I should post this but since I am 45 now I thought here would be good. Looking for advice on how to handle this kind of situation....:

For the last 5 years I have been out of dating completely. Family responsibilities, health issues, ex issues, etc. However, I have maintained a generally positive outlook on life, determination and a sense of humor. That is how I keep going when it just seems like the world is falling apart. I suppose I could be whiny and all and hope someone rescues me from it, but that's just not reality. Anyhoo....here's the problem. I don't know how or when to explain the abstinence. I've tried early on and later too. Neither one seems to be a good time. I realize that my sense of humor and the way I speak aren't indicative of any of the things I've gone through but I'm not one to just curl up in a ball and gripe about it. Life really is too short to cry about it. I've heard, one too many times now, "You don't act (say or do things) like someone who......" My first instinct is to launch a sarcastic reply and ask them where they got my instruction manual because I didn't get to see it. But I don't. I usually said that I'm just determined to be happy in a way that doesn't hurt anyone and isn't illegal. I understand if they don't get it, they don't and probably won't no matter what my explanation is. So I move on. I would like to avoid this situation in the future though. Any ideas out there???
 leeloney1
Joined: 11/17/2010
Msg: 2
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Posted: 4/18/2012 12:22:08 PM
I tend to tell men who ask that I just haven't found anyone willing to put up with my shyte, in a very sarcastic tone,( and it was more than 10 years between men friends)
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 3
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Posted: 4/18/2012 12:26:22 PM
Start dating CASUALLY & DO NOT mention the abstinence- it's no one's business but your own...most men won't believe it based on your appearance.

You are pretty & blonde- most men equate that w/ a nymphomaniac fantasy they have. If they found out u were not involved for a while, they would think there was "something wrong" w/ you.

It is perfectly normal to have times in our life where we do not focus on dating & or sex, even if we look appealing.

Save the family issues etc for ur friends & like I said date casually...& build up to more serious relationships when they present themselves.

I took a break a few years back & a friend that I confided in gave me similar advice. When I started to put myself out there & let on how long I was out of the loop I got some really odd comments. My friend was correct, when I just played it close to the vest, no one seemed to be alarmed.

It is no one's business how long it's been...it's not like not using a certain part of your body makes it migrate to another continent, leaving you genital-less!
 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 4
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Posted: 4/18/2012 12:56:04 PM
"...it's not like not using a certain part of your body makes it migrate to another continent, leaving you genital-less!"
HAHAHA! I have to laugh at that because I was so very close to telling one person that abstinence and Alzheimer's are two entirely different things....but I didn't ....dammit.
Lee....I do love your sarcasm.
Thanks for replying, ladies.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 5
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Posted: 4/18/2012 1:21:51 PM
Well OP, from one sarcastic person to another then........Just tell them that your "toy box" is full and you have stock in a very nice battery company, so all is good to go until you find someone to replace that energizer bunny!!

OT....There is no need to tell anyone how often you have had sex or why, just that you will be clean and healthy when you do have sex and request the one you are having sex with, to be the same. The rest just happens.

cd
 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 6
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Posted: 4/18/2012 1:28:52 PM
"Just tell them that your "toy box" is full and you have stock in a very nice battery company, so all is good to go until you find someone to replace that energizer bunny!!"

LOL....Yay for Bob!
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 7
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Posted: 4/18/2012 3:03:49 PM

For the last 5 years I have been out of dating completely. Family responsibilities, health issues, ex issues, etc. However, I have maintained a generally positive outlook on life, determination and a sense of humor
This is my exact situation (the specific reasons may be different but the timeframe is the same).

I've never even felt a need to mention it. I do if I'm asked 'how long since your last relationship?' but otherwise, I don't even think to bring it up. If what they want to know is 'how long since you last had sex' well that's none of their business, although I might mention it when it reached a point where it looked like we might be heading towards the bedroom, IF I felt it was necessary - but it wouldn't be in an apologetic way.
 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 8
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Posted: 4/18/2012 5:03:22 PM
Thank you for your thoughts on this, gcdeb. It's just a weird situation to be in. I can't be apologetic because I haven't done anything "wrong" and, in some ways, I'm actually kind of proud of myself for being able to go that long without. I just was feeling rather out of the loop coming back into dating again and winging it is not something I'm very good at. So, thank you again to those that replied so far. It is appreciated.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 9
Best response for this situation...
Posted: 4/18/2012 5:50:56 PM
I agree with Blonde that while dating casually they are on a need to know basis and they are not to the point they need to know. When you feel that sex might be on your minds, if you feel the need to bring it up that would be the time to bring it up.

There's a lot of things from the past that need never be brought up. Like why people always want to know how many previous sexual partners the other has had.

But then again, there are some people who you feel you can talk about anything and everything with and it wouldn't make a difference. People often say they want someone to be honest with them. I'd look for the person you feel you can be honest with and it wouldn't matter if you were a virgin.
 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 10
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Posted: 4/18/2012 6:08:29 PM
You bring up an excellent point, MD, regarding honesty. How much is too much? I don't hide the fact that I swear and tell dirty jokes and make some pretty raunchy comments at times. So I can understand that it does appear rather contradictory. People that have known me for awhile know that I'm like this whether I'm with someone or not. It seems that if I say something to a man later on about not being with anyone for this long, that's when I hear the "You don't act like...." Grrr....Frustrating.
 TheCoolGreenMoss
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 11
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Posted: 4/18/2012 7:21:58 PM
My thoughts are; You're not applying for a job, so there's no real reason to explain any gaps in your resume. You were (are) single and haven't had the time, nor met the right guy. Simple.

Unless, of course, you intend to continue this abstinence forever (i.e., even if you find yourself in a relationship).
 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 12
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Posted: 4/18/2012 8:04:58 PM
Thank you, Great Guy and Smart Blond. You both made good points. As far as ending abstinence....if it happens, it happens....if not, then it doesn't. It would be nice but I can wait.
 FriendswithaView
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 13
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Posted: 4/20/2012 7:01:32 PM
Men get this too, fwiw.

Even married guys who have been without for a looong time. Direct questions, and then judgments. Nobody's business, its true, but that doesn't stop people from a) asking and b) judging.

Oh well.

Cheers!
 Doc_Sage
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 14
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Posted: 4/20/2012 7:26:35 PM
My dear lady, I think you are fussing over nothing. When the time comes, everything will work out alright.

No need to tell anything...for there is nothing to tell. We all go without it for long period of times...males, females and those in between. When the right emotions are felt, you will perform like WOW!!!

Doc Sage
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 15
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Posted: 4/20/2012 8:14:52 PM
^^^^ I agree.

...Like you OP...I was in a similar situation. I was divorced in 96 and didn't even date until I joined this dating site early in 2006. I can't give a reason why I didn't, I was busy...life happens, years pass.

When I first started to date, there were times when the subject would come up, they would do the math then look at me like I had two heads and some I'm quite sure, some were a bit disbelieving.
After a while I stopped going into detail and would just say after two failed marriages I continued to date off and on but hadn't met anyone as yet. I felt they didn't need to know the "finer" details...lol

Anyhow, like Doc says, we (some of us)... go through long periods of celibacy and it's something that is better left on a need to know basis. You don't need to share that with anyone....well not right away.

Good luck btw

...mae
 mrmisterme
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 16
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Posted: 4/21/2012 8:35:49 AM

Start dating CASUALLY & DO NOT mention the abstinence- it's no one's business but your own...most men won't believe it based on your appearance.


If I meet a woman (and then maybe date), the last thing that I'm going to ask is "when was your last time having sex?". Once things get serious, maybe (and that's a BIG maybe) the topic of past relationships might pop up.

Personally, I'm not really interested in who she was with before me.
 Thnuggaboo
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 17
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Posted: 4/21/2012 2:35:48 PM
Thank you again for the replies. Just needed some impartial thoughts. Very much appreciated.
 Dili_gent
Joined: 1/8/2011
Msg: 18
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Posted: 4/21/2012 10:19:39 PM
If a B.O.B. is a battery operated boyfriend.

Is a H.A.G. a hand actuated girlfriend?
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 19
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Posted: 4/22/2012 8:27:37 AM
Many I've dated were out of the dating game as well & tell me they chose to put their efforts into parenting. Worked for me. I don't think it's necessary to say anything more if just dating.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 20
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Posted: 4/22/2012 10:39:33 PM
I don't give a rats ass what someone has done or not done in terms of a relationship form the last 5 years as long as their not married, not recently released from prison for murdering or dis-membering an old spouse or boy friend or a complete whack job. I'm more concerned about the next 5 years.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 21
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Posted: 4/23/2012 7:28:40 AM
I remember meeting a group at a bar after being divorced for like 10 years and a guy made a comment that made me feel weird about not having remarried since, like it was an odd thing....It's not unusual for being single or not dating for any length of time. It's better to have long stretches alone than multiple marriages or relationships.
 VoxClamantis
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 22
Level off the sarcasm
Posted: 4/23/2012 8:03:19 AM
Contrary to women's beliefs, most men do not find sarcasm or abrasiveness in a woman all that attractive. I think it's because women DO find it attractive IN men that they tend to believe it is attractive TO men.

Just don't give any reason. If you find a man who you want to be intimate with, tell him

"I was around a lot of men, but none of them made the cut. You do."

That'll be pretty damned irresistible. A man wants a woman who is easy for him to land, but difficult for anyone else.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 23
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Level off the sarcasm
Posted: 4/23/2012 6:42:51 PM
^^^Exactly. It may be old fashioned, but it says more for a person's character to be choosey than to have a succession of relationships, IMO. Definatly nothing to be embarrased about. Don't agree that women find sarcasm attractive in men though.
 DAFT_DOG
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 24
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Level off the sarcasm
Posted: 4/24/2012 1:15:54 AM
The bottom line here, is you disclose what you feel comfy with a particular person knowing about you,

myself, i hav`nt had sex since my last relationship almost five years ago, and you know what ?...the world didnt grind to a halt !, nothing came crashing down about my shoulders !...the good lord gave us masturbation to pass the time in between partners, sure, it isnt QUITE the same hahaha, but, it beats sitting there looking down between your legs and thinking..what the hell do i do with that thing ! hahahaha :O)
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