|Decent MenPage 1 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)|
|" The reason I wanted to try online dating was because I thought that I was meeting thesame type of guy because I was meeting them in the same type of place. But the internet just seems to have exaggerated my problems with finding a half decent man.|
I have come to one conclusion, I am the one continuous factor in all of these relationship issues.
Am I the only one to feel like this? Is the whole world just going a little bit crazy? Or is it just the I have some real issues I have yet to decipher? "
You sound mature for the years you have been on this earth. Did you start your profile stating that you were looking for friends, or did U change your status later ? Of course, you can be, or desire anything you want, unless it's illegal immoral or fattening lol
finding mature, compatible people is hard, especially in your age group. There are some good men who have your best interest at heart. you just have to find them. IF that's what you are looking for.
Posted: 4/24/2012 2:42:18 PM
|You might want to make a profile that is a little less bare, and actually put some effort into it. One problem with looking for "friends" is that you're still on a dating site, and most 20-something guys aren't really looking for friends unless it's "with benefits." |
As far as decent men, well you might want to spell out to us and/or the dudes looking at your profile what makes for a "decent man." Even decent men want to get their rocks off.
Posted: 4/24/2012 2:46:21 PM
|" If I knew what to change and pick differently I wouldn't be here lol........"|
Stating that what you have to do to fix it, is change the way you pick men... is like saying, if you put a million dollars in your wallet, you will no longer be poor. WHERE would you , or most people, easily get a million dollars ?. Each of these situations CAN POSSIBLY be aattained, but usually with hard work.
"Oh and yes I changed my looking for field to 'friends' after looking for something more, and just getting treated like dirt. I don't want to resign myself to not even bothering to looking, so this was sort of the next best thing."
So what are you hoping to get out of this ? If you don't take a chance on being hurt, you will likely not take a chance on being loved : )
Keep working on YOU : ) You appear to be a bright woman. I wish you the very best
Posted: 4/24/2012 2:52:25 PM
|" Like it or not OP, everyone finds exactly what they're looking for."|
That's why there are no online dating sites, and many people have to work at a job that they hate, because there are no other jobs available ? ; Concluding that they found the job of their dreams, because they hate their jobs ?
That's why people have crossed oceans, because they found exactly what they were looking for, where they already were ? How many people under Nazi Germany's rule who met a ghastly end, found exactly what they were looking for ?
Thanks for waving your magic wand and solving world hunger, rape, the crookedness of some politicians, and murder, all in one sweep.
There are no likely iron clad absolutes in this situation; there are variables. Many people do not know how to FIND what they are looking for.
Your magic wand is about as effective as shooting pool with a rope.
Yes, people have to change HOW they go about looking for what they want, if they aren't getting what they want.
Posted: 4/24/2012 2:58:17 PM
|woman want bad boys and men they think they can change if you want better men look at the guys that are only ur friends our the guys that you wouldnt date mabye ur just picking the wrong guys|
Posted: 4/24/2012 3:14:47 PM
|" OP, my suggestion is do something else for six months. Ignore men completely and do something you like and get good at it. "|
Something like taking a night time Mechanic's Course, where you will be around, and hopefully better understand emotionally healthy, available men. And of course, continue on your becoming an emotionally healthy, available woman.
Posted: 4/24/2012 3:30:36 PM
|In general, I would say that in your particular case, that the "problem" is more complicated than you are allowing for. |
For example, you mention "they want to talk to me when it suits them," as though that is a bad thing. Perhaps you mean something specific about that which I don't recognize, since in my experience, most people, including myself, only want to talk to others when it suits us. Maybe you expect more continuity of behavior from guys, and people in general, than you ought to. Most of us have ups and downs, outgoing and introverted moments, times when we are "on," and full of energy and life, and times when we are "off," and need to withdraw a bit, or at least take a break.
Someone here claimed that "men don't just want sex, they NEED it." Nonsense. Just responsibility avoidance there.
I think you are/were correct when you supposed that where you were looking, had something to do with what you were finding. I go about the place fixing things for all sorts of people, and I have noticed that the old "birds of a feather" thing does indeed apply to people. I haven't tumbled to anyplace around my own digs, that caters to and draws in the sorts of people I would want to hang out with. On the other hand, I've run across potential friends all over the place too.
As far as being an online target goes, which we all are here (though tradition still dictates that women are more the targets and men the shooters), since anyone can have a go at you, and since the computer search program this site uses is a bit on the crude side, your profile is going to pop up for everyone who searches the region you inhabit. You can't control who sees you and wants to have a go, only to a little extent, who emails you. And the more restrictions you put in there, the more people you fence out, who you might actually like.
As to your possible "picker" problem: since most people get a certain amount of social training in life, even the jerks and sexual misfits know well enough to pretend for the first message or verbal greeting, how to appear to be a genteel sort. Thus it isn't your fault when someone deceives you on purpose that way. As long as you can cheerfully hit the "dump him in the river" button, you needn't worry that you are causing such guys to show up and try to make time with you.
I say, patience, persistence, and calm resolve are the best tools to keep on hand. And don't waste any emotional energy on the discards.
Posted: 4/24/2012 3:38:23 PM
|" As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. "|
That can also be applied to people who accept crap from people who use others, and play games with them.
Posted: 4/24/2012 3:58:25 PM
|Firstly I believe you need to decide what it is you really want from this site and then state it in your profile. |
I live in a little country town in a rural area where meeting single middle aged men is nigh on impossible and when I first started getting messages I was a flabbergasted at some of the things said in messages. lol.. The internet dating sites are just one portal through which to meet people and MEETING them is the only way you can determine whether they are decent or not. Believe me most men are triers, lol and as they are behind a keyboard and screen they will see how far they can go. I make it quite clear what is acceptable and what is not. That soon sorts the issues out and then they either stay or go.
Also for me I have worked out that spending too much time focusing on 'getting a man' on these sites is not particularly healthy and I take breaks from it.
I made a bestest friend and fell in love with another through the dating sites so can work.
Posted: 4/24/2012 4:11:13 PM
|OP- I'd be willing to bet that IRL and here on the site you have been reactive rather than proactive. Allowing the men to chase/choose you instead of you doing the choosing. So the less than desirable men are the ones you are complaining about. |
Have you considered that the decent men aren't out chasing women?
I guess this is just not the place for finding decent men as they are doing fine in real life.
The same thing could be said for women. So what are you saying? You aren't a decent woman?
Posted: 4/24/2012 6:17:32 PM
|" So...it's not just your age OP. I'm beginning to think it's like a needle in a haystack. I'm a busy person. I'd like to go on a date at least once a week (ask me before the night you want to see me & have a plan other than "let's meet up & have sex"), hang out at home together once a week, sex both nights. I don't wanna perform circus tricks or invite the neighborhood or my Facebook friends list to join us. If it's possible to see each other more often then that'd be great, but if not then that's fine too. You'd think that would be easy enough to find.|
Sorry...rant over...heehee "
SC, you are a good looking woman, and you have a nice profile. You have a narrow window of men that you want to date... starting with:
only an 11 year age spread.
you like Southern Men...which is great, but you live close to a major U S City., which may DEFINATELY have more than compatible Southern Men only. And I live close enough to know : )
You have children.
If you expanded your criteria on the first 2, you might likely get more quality responses.
Posted: 4/24/2012 6:56:37 PM
|" let me make this clear so you understand what i am saying,,,,,men need sex like they need air or food,,,,,in other words...every day! sometimes twice or more,,,,,i cannot make you understand this enough,,,"|
SOME men. Not ALL. I have a high drive, but I am not a Rabbit. I'd always be be walking as if I just got off a horse, I'd be so sore. Fortunately, To each his own
Posted: 4/24/2012 8:47:17 PM
|It's your choice, why do you seek out these kinds of men? I don't talk to them, don't have them in my life and certainly don't date them. I have zero problems with men I don't want to know, because I don't have them in my life. Simple as can be. When so many people whom you don't like are in your life, you need to figure out why you are allowing that. |
BTW, I know a lot of decent men, they aren't all anyone I would want to date but thy are good people. The world is full of decent people. If all you know are creeps and slugs, do something about where you hang out and why you find them.
Posted: 4/24/2012 9:41:50 PM
|Decent men exist out there, but most women simply overlook these men because they often are looking for the ideal man. If that means you may have to compromise some of your standards or ideals that is something you should decide on.|
In my opinion, you need to learn why this pattern repeats itself, and it is often with the type of men you pick.
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:34:02 AM
Are batteries included??
Batteries are always extra.
Why do people come on here, making rants/whines about their own individual choices, and blame it on a gender?
OP..your picker is broke. Re-evaluate your choices in life.
Stop telling us good guys are not out there. We are.
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:04:45 AM
|" But one day it was this one particular man who decided to respond to my page and every day we would have good conversations about any and everything but sex. We connected so well. We talked for 6 months. Upgraded to texting and then talking on the phone. This had been the third time I had ever given anyone my phone number off line. Still no conversation about sex, ..."|
5 Questions come to mind....
When are you getting Married ?
When was this man neutered ?
What ELSE do you need to control in a relationship ?
For your Honeymoon, have YOU Dictated a very exciting night of SLEEPING ?
Have you selected, and named TWO separate beds... one is named MINE, and the other is named GO AWAY ?
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:34:53 AM
|forget all the part-time philosophizers and their "sounds good, so I'll post it" theories.|
Your picker may only be brokoen if you're only selecting with your eyes, rather than a combination of what you see + taking the time to get a feel for the person BEFORE you make a final decision with your heart/mind.
We are all guilty at some point if not more frequently of leading with our wants(hearts) and totally duct taping our brains when it comes to finding someone of the opposite sex to date or be involved with. So don't beat yourself up about it, just put YOU in a higher priority and don't budge on what you want/need from a partner...but take the time to find it before you just open your heart right away.
In the world today, there are waaaaay too many influences against a good moral fiber - dumb dating reality shows, mtv in general, Housewives of _____fill in the blank, exploitation of kids(sports/acting/singers/beauty pageants etc - yes even if its what the kid wants to do). Its all about the fast score - be it in finance or relationships. Also keep in mind that if some women didn't respond agreeably to these types of guys then you might not have the problem currently. Stick to your guns and don't stop trying
Posted: 4/25/2012 1:59:30 PM
|"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. |
Robin Williams "
Posted: 4/25/2012 2:33:18 PM
|" And need I remind you the thread isnèt about religion, its about what the definition of a decent man is."|
OP, there are many definitions of what a Decent Man is. I don't believe that Religion is one of those qualifications.
Posted: 4/25/2012 2:58:36 PM
|OP _ stop trying to date guys who are better looking than you...|
stop trying to date guys in areas/places where sex is out in the open in many cases....pubs/bars/even the internet...
there are tons of full on decent guys out there, not just half decent even IN clubs/bars and the internet.... yet whatever about it is about these venues - for you...the guys who you are flocking to, these are the guys who can actually act in this manner towards yOU>>>
believe me they cannot act this way to every woman they encounter nor do they... but they can to you...
what is the dynamic between you and them ?
are they better looking than you ?
are they kinda on the wilder side of things ?
do they tend to have criminal records ?
what types of guys are these, aside from just being guys you met in a bar/pub/internet...
are you going after guys you find more edgy ?
additionally - once a guy stops returning your calls and only calls you on his schedule... have you learned to cut that guy off as a potential suitor ?
same thing with guys who begin sexual talk, etc ?
when do you recognize true red flags ? and what is your reaction to these ?
do you continue to hang out with said guys ?
Posted: 4/25/2012 6:13:48 PM
|A lot of mens profiles start with " where are all the decent, honest women on this site?"|
What does that mean? How can you tell? Why start off with that in the first place? That is what is offputting to me.
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:04:01 PM
|"A lot of mens profiles start with " where are all the decent, honest women on this site?"|
What does that mean? How can you tell? Why start off with that in the first place? That is what is offputting to me."
I don't like it either, when women do the same thing.
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:09:27 PM
|"how do the christians and nun do it ;"|
In the Apostle's Church (Orthodox Christianity) priests are allowed to marry because intimacy is an important part of humanity.
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:41:04 PM
|"nice thread y'all, but did anyone notice the OP seems to have left the room? "|
It happens, and sometimes a lot faster than this.
Posted: 4/26/2012 5:15:48 AM
|I met the most wonderful guy on another site. Pretty quickly we both decided it was a friendship only deal but he was the loveliest man I have known. Old school. He paid for the meals when we went out (an argument ensued if I insisted otherwise) but I reciprocated by making him home cooked meals. Became the pattern. He took me out one week and then he came home and I cooked for another. I invited him into my life, we stayed over at each others homes, he came to my circle meditation group, taught my youngest daughter to drive.. That was a giggle.. Insisted on working on the secondhand car I got for her before she got it home to make sure it was safe and roadworthy.|
We had many non sexual intimate moments, hand holding and hugging. I even talked him into posing nude for our lifedrawing group. Many, many discussions on life in general..He could be rather racist in his views and quite homophobic. lol..I used to tease him about that one. We drove around the countryside with the roof down in his little red sports car with the wind in our hair..
Three years on and he is sorely missed.
So YES there are decent men on these sites.. You just have to take the time to get to know them.