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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker      Home login  
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 Triumph800rider
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 2
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Homophobia -- the DealbreakerPage 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I have been involved with two women I met online whose sons were gay. In both cases they were grown and out of the house so I never met them. Still, I let them know it was not a problem for me. Actually, one of the women I dated had more of a problem with her son being gay than I did.

I don't think it would be out of line to put something in your profile along the lines of "My _________ is gay. If this is something you would have a problem with please don't contact me."

This site asks people what their religion is and the options are denominationally specific. However, many people have not attended church regularly since childhood so the religion mentioned on their profile is little more than their background. It does not necessarily mean they attend services regularly and subscribe to all the doctrines of that faith. Plus, most people past a certain age who are on this site have been divorced at least once. Most religions that have a problem with homosexuality also prohibit divorce.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 3
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/24/2012 5:08:17 PM
Is that any different than stating "no smoking"? Somehow it seems much more personal.



It is more personal, but if something is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. So putting it in there should be acceptable.
Otherwise, you may find yourself with a lot more false starts , and deep hurts, than you want to endure.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 4
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/24/2012 6:03:39 PM
OP, you could put it in your profile, if so make sure people understand it isn't about you personally. Some men might assume you are bi-sexual.

And you might find some men that are prejudice against homosexuals, but since they know you don't care for this, they avoid the subject.

You could bring up the subject in conversation in a neutral way, just to get a feel for how the man views homosexuals.
 scifichicky
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 6
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/24/2012 6:17:40 PM
Ignorance and cruelty abounds online and the real world, you should put it in your profile so that you do not inadvertantly get into a situation where you are subjected to it.
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 7
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/24/2012 8:23:13 PM
Maybe a general "Bigots need not e-mail me." Covers all kinds of discrimination...
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 8
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/24/2012 10:42:51 PM
My ex spouse is gay...if anyone should have a problem with homosexuality, you might think I would be a good candidate but I am not and neither are my sons. A phobia, by definition, is an unrational fear.
 gigigrongbell
Joined: 12/19/2006
Msg: 9
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/24/2012 11:16:06 PM
I don't think I would put it in my profile because then you would have to go into an explanation about it. Anything that might be interpreted negatively does not need to be there. I think that information is best given during the first couple of dates if there is to be more than one. That's when you tell your deal-breakers and disclose the things that will impact a relationship before there is an emotional investment. It is what I have done and it has always been the right thing to do with surprisingly good results.
Or maybe I just have a good picker.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 10
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/24/2012 11:24:32 PM

I think that information is best given during the first couple of dates if there is to be more than one. That's when you tell your deal-breakers


If someone has any of my dealbreakers, I'm really not interested in going on ANY dates with them, especially if I could find out about the dealbreakers upfront.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/25/2012 12:17:46 AM
my gf stated on her profile that opposition to gay rights was a dealbreaker. i think that kind of wording is far more effective than saying 'no bigots' or 'no homophobia,' since few men will see themselves in those pejorative labels. people almost never admit their prejudices to themselves.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 12
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/25/2012 6:56:03 AM
Keep in mind, the more dealbreakers listed in someone's profile, the less likely I am to make contact (regardless of whether the dealbreaker applies to me). People just sound overly picky when they proclaim all of these things you can't be in order to contact them.

I don't know if I'm typical, but I suspect a lot of guys do react similarly.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 13
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:13:22 AM
I don't think it's necessary to post it in the profile, but it probably is a topic that should be discussed, casually, during the getting-to-know-you phase before you actually meet. Or even when you meet. But I don't see the need to blow trumpets before you, announcing to the world that you have a gay relative. I mean, they deserve some privacy, too.
 SONNI100
Joined: 12/24/2010
Msg: 14
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:17:21 AM
As much as I try to stay away from "lists" in my own profile, I do infer certain things. After reading your thread, OP...I do think you might benefit by adding your 'dealbreaker' to your profile.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 15
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:19:01 AM

Paddy_o_Lantern:
Lots of women put " No Players, No Cheaters, No Cheapskates, No short Guys, No Fat Guys, No men with small penises on thier profile... ok I have yet to see the last one but I the others seem fairly common!


Ahh, but we have seen that. There was an incident last year in the forums, some woman wanted a man no more than 30 years old, minimum 6 feet tall, and minimum 9 inch dyck. As I recall, abelian worked the statistics and came back with only 1 man in 100,000 would meet her requirements. The whole thing was rather hilarious, actually.

Back on topic: I vote for the suggestion from Christ_on_a_crutch, “opposition to gay rights was a dealbreaker”.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 16
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/26/2012 7:02:36 AM
Homophobia is a definite deal-breaker for me, too. Because if an individual is "intolerent" of gays and lesbians, those types of individuals are generally intolerent of other things, too -- different races, mentally ill people, etc., etc., etc.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 17
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:08:10 PM
Every time I host a POF social a mass email is sent out. It clearly states in a highlighted box why the person is getting the email and what they need to do in order to stop receiving these event invites in the future. I can count on getting at least 50 emails from homophobic men letting me know they aren't gay, cussing me out for sending them an email or making threats.

I can imagine what I would get if I was gay. It's like they are threatened or something. I don't even understand the anger these people have. Typically I ignore these emails although a couple I write back and explain there misunderstanding. The irony of it is I'm trying to invite them to a party to meet WOMEN. Good grief. If I didn't invite the men I'd have some awfully pissed of women when I got there.

I don't blame you for making it a dealbreaker. To ome it indicates a lot of other issues the person has.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 18
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:26:15 PM

I don't even understand the anger these people have.


There are a lot of clueless people out there. I get these same types of emails from men in my area and I have always understood exactly what they were.
 massha
Joined: 7/20/2010
Msg: 19
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:51:20 PM

Keep in mind, the more dealbreakers listed in someone's profile, the less likely I am to make contact (regardless of whether the dealbreaker applies to me). People just sound overly picky when they proclaim all of these things you can't be in order to contact them.

Me too, me too! I don't want to feel like I have to pass all sorts of tests to qualify and prove my "innocence" of whatever transgressions/bad habits/whatever the other party does not want. Hypothetically speaking, even something like "thin women need not apply" would make me pause and think twice.
 TheL0grus
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 20
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 4/28/2012 11:55:49 AM

I suppose the obvious thing to do is just state in my profile that homophobia is my dealbreaker.


Might I recommend that if you do mention this being a deal breaker, that you do it in a dignified manner. I have seen several "If you are a lying piece of !#@^% then don't message me." comments on profiles and well I just see an angry person that has issues getting over the last guy and it makes me want to avoid that line of fire. Just a suggestion. Please take it in the spirit of polite suggestion.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 22
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 6:47:33 AM
It’s in my profile too, not as a deal-breaker but as a clear statement of my personal attitude toward homophobia, racism, and sexism.

And as an attitude, homophobia does tell us something more personal about another than their smoking does. They might hate their habit, they might be trying to quit, their addiction may be in conflict with their personal values.

But attitudes like homophobia, racism and sexism are a direct expression of personal values and beliefs. When I hear disparaging stereotypes about other sexual preferences, other races or the opposite sex (or even their own) as I often do here on these pages, I know our value systems are radically at odds.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 23
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 2:05:00 PM
Op, I sooo feel your pain--my oldest child is a transgender and I live in the bible belt where HATE is so strong. I have found that for some people if you put something like that in your profile they will later on not acknowledge having read it --so I actually bring it up in one of the first conversations --that way it is spot on and you get the correct reaction to how they feel--most say really funny things like one man goes, "this girl at work has a son is gay!!!"


Most really do not seem to have an issue but then it isn't something they are actually seeing --so please understand saying it isn't a big deal and then coming face to face with it --might make it a big deal.

You wont ever eliminate someone from doing that and with as many men wanting threesomes telling someone your best friend is a lesbian is going to open up a completely different can of worms as they say.

If you write to someone and then in the course of conversation tell them your situation--then it is up to them to decide if they are still interested or not--by mentioning it in your profile it makes it have more meaning than it should--imho.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 24
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 4:05:43 PM
It has been really uplifting to me to read the posts here -- that there really people in the world who don't "hate just for the sake of hating" -- be it because of a person's skin color, religion, or sexual orientation.

Maybe the progress and hope of the 1960's is still alive in many of us!
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 25
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 5:16:33 PM

I live in the bible belt where HATE is so strong.

This is one of the great paradoxes for many of us who watch the US from a distance.

Why do so many people over there go to church on Sunday and profess to be Christian, yet behave so viciously and selfishly towards others? Worse still, they wield so much political influence over there.

Being inclusive, showing empathy and leaving people alone to live their lives in peace always works better I think.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 27
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 8:47:25 PM
So--I have members of my family who are homosexual. Unfortunately, even though I was very clear early on about homophobia being a dealbreaker in my last relationship, it ended up being one of the reasons why it ended. I find myself very wary as I read profiles--perhaps not initiating a message even if I'm attracted by aspects of the profile--because certain religions tend to have very specific views on homosexuality. I know that I am making assumptions that I shouldn't, but I have been deeply hurt in the ending of this previous relationship and the realization that people say things that they don't mean about extremely important issues. I suppose the obvious thing to do is just state in my profile that homophobia is my dealbreaker. Is that any different than stating "no smoking"? Somehow it seems much more personal.

Your thoughts?

Instant deal-breaker for me. I don't view others in judgment based upon religion, however. I know plenty of homophobes and some are agnostic, some atheist, some Muslim, some Christian, etc., etc. I do realize that many religious sects are opposed to homosexuality, but I try to be open about the person rather than the religion. Case in point? My BF is Catholic. He is, however, pro-choice. That clearly goes against the grain of his religious beliefs, but he's someone that prefers to make his own opinions rather than to let his religion make his mind up for him. On the other hand? I met a man some years ago that was "non-religious" and about an hour into conversing it came out that he was a ragingly homophobic. After I got my mouth closed and the "OMFG, am I hearing this???" look off my face, I ended the evening. He actually left me a voicemail and said he just couldn't believe how intense the chemistry was between us. HUH? Me nearly running out of the restaurant spoke of mutual chemistry? Clearly he was on a different date than I was.

This is one of the great paradoxes for many of us who watch the US from a distance.

Why do so many people over there go to church on Sunday and profess to be Christian, yet behave so viciously and selfishly towards others? Worse still, they wield so much political influence over there.

Being inclusive, showing empathy and leaving people alone to live their lives in peace always works better I think.

I'm watching it from right in the center of it. Truly saddens me. All of this professing to love thy neighbor on Sunday (and Wednesday evenings for those who need to repent for their sins twice a week) and then just hate hate hate all the other days of the week. Just makes no logical sense to me. JMO
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 28
Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/2/2012 10:21:46 PM

This is one of the great paradoxes for many of us who watch the US from a distance.

Why do so many people over there go to church on Sunday and profess to be Christian, yet behave so viciously and selfishly towards others? Worse still, they wield so much political influence over there.

Being inclusive, showing empathy and leaving people alone to live their lives in peace always works better I think.


One of the worst things was when my daughter worked at Sonic and there was this huge church a few blocks away and Sunday after the church service was over people would come there with their kids in the car to get food or ice cream and they would call Sonic and ask for the manager and make up a lie to try and get my child fired (one crazy lady actually said she saw my daughter lick her elbow --like that is possible!)---they lied right in front of their child after leaving church and the manager would say--"Sorry you are lying--that my child was one of the best they had and they prefer them not to come back."

Hate is so strong here--a few times it has broken my heart to see the way people respond--the stares, the pointing --the slurs, whispering --just cause she exists--and so few realize how much it takes to be true to yourself--who you really are --vs going along with what is expected and then behind closed door pretending to be who you are when no one else can see--Im very proud of her for having the conviction to be herself especially in the face of all the hate.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 29
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Homophobia -- the Dealbreaker
Posted: 6/3/2012 10:13:52 AM
Another ...lets hate religious people post !, the fact is, the hate is just as strong on both sides ,..just different haters

OP, Anyone with a lick of common sense , would just move on until the found someone who shares common values ....
...... instead of posting a topic , to give haters a place to post insults and condescension... all the while claiming their morals are superior... Insisting, forcing and calling names to the people who won't adopt THEIR ideal of morality .... those people are just idiots ,morons bigots, homophobes rednecks etc. ...... (oh I'm sorry OP,..did he call your homosexual friend a name)

The hypocrisy here.. is staggering
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