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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?      Home login  
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 tdh49
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 1
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
If a guy is involved with a woman/girl who he has no reason to think has been unfaithful. Is it still ok for him to ask for a paternity test just to be sure?

Under these circumstances should a woman take such a request as a personal insult?

Dr Phil says " He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing" does this also apply if a man is asking for a paternity test with no evidence of cheating of any kind?.

And no this is NOT about me. I am done having kids thank you very much. Just a question posted for general discussion.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
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Is asking for a paternity test an insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 10:59:03 AM
Sure it's an insult if you've never cheated but I believe all births should involve a DNA test to prove if a man is the bio father or not. If I were a guy I don't know how I would feel but I know many women that cheat, I can't imagine wondering if I was the father or not, that must be hell.

That said, DNA testing cites are not meccas of solid truth, so you could end up having tests done a second time to know for sure. I believe a child has a right to it's genetic history, and I'm sick of women who lie about who the father(s) might be. You only have to see the Maury Show once to see how many men some women can cram into the time frame of when she conceived, it boggles the mind. I've never not known who the father of my children was, so maybe I just can't relate.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 3
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 11:00:28 AM
You are basically telling your partner that you are not sure they have been faithful.

Would you be insulted if she told you the same?

My gut reaction is that someone that has unfounded (even if minute) foremost suspicions of infidelity it has stemmed from guilt, insecurity or a long track record of bad choices.
 vampyreshadow
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 4
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Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 11:08:46 AM
I think it should be done with all Children, saves allot of drama later on. My ex never questioned the paternity of his kids till he cheated and asked for a divorce, I was a tad offended then, because it upset the hell out of the girls having to do that so late in life, turns out he wasted a shit load of money and upset the girls. Wishing I had just done it with each kid as they were born and saved a later argument.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 5
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 11:24:23 AM
Okay - and yes I know this is a contradiction.

I think all children should be tested at birth. So often we hear about parents (normally father's) paying for children who are not theirs and they had no idea. Add to that the fact that medical matters are often hereditary and allocating the wrong father to the child, has those implications too. I am a strong believer that all children have an absolute right to a relationship with both parents providing it's a healthy relationship and that both parents have a right to a relationship with their child (again, providing it's a healthy relationship).

But, IMO, this should be part of the tests that are conducted at the birth of every child.

If my spouse asked for a paternity test, then hell yes, I would be offended. Not, if we had a brief separation immediately prior to conceiving, I would fully understand the reason for that. But if we were in a committed relationship where there had been no reason to doubt each other, then yes, I would be hurt - although I would agree to the test being done. I would want him to know without a doubt that I had been loyal, what the effects of his feeling the need to ask would be, who knows.

And I think the reason, is without the testing for all being in place, then it means the request is personal and so the implied insult is taken personally. Although I am not one who likes to document everything to cover all eventualities, perhaps the time for this discussion is long before that baby is conceived and so the expectation of the test is known to all up front.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 6
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 12:44:33 PM
As long as the father has a relationship with the child, you don't need to ask.

It's going to be pretty offensive to ask a woman that. If the guy just wants to be sure, then just get the hair or whatever and get the test done without saying anything to anybody. You don't want your friends or family to know that you suspect there might have been an infidelity - no matter how you dress it up, that's what they will hear. If it comes back positive, just throw it away and nobody will ever be the wiser.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 7
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Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 1:17:14 PM
if in a totally committed relationship, yes ... it would be offensive ...

so saying ... in a more casual relationship ... there would be no reason to be offended ...

I agree that it would be nice to have the information SOONER (at birth) ... rather than later (some sleazy t.v. show where people throw chairs) ...

in my opinion, there should be an option at birth ... e.g., the man would have to sign a document stating that he does NOT require a paternity test ... otherwise, the paternity test should just be done ... that way, if the man was offended by the opportunity for a paternity test, he could sign his rights to that test away ... but, if he had ANY TINY LITTLE doubt, he should refuse to sign and allow the testing to continue ...

better to know right away than to wonder ... I have a friend who is thoroughly convinced his 50-year-old son is NOT his biological child ... that fool should have had the paternity test done decades ago rather than wondering for 50 years! not that he would necessarily have treated the child differently ... but he would have had a settled mind rather than wondering "where the hell did my son get THAT feature?!"
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 8
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 2:43:00 PM
An older friend of mine's 19 y.o. son was told he fathered a child with his brief gf who he broke up with. She birthed a child and my friend's son got the shaft and 'be responsible' talks ad nauseum. Finally, he took the test. By that time, my friend was enthralled with her new 'granddaughter'. Now gd and by default the young mom are forever connected to this young man's life, just at the time when he is focused on education, work, growing into manhood. That's one side of things. On the other, what occurs to me is that in a normal relationship with a loyal woman who gets pregnant and an unwilling father who asks for the test, what will the dynamic be between them if indeed he IS the father and refused to accept that, now that she knows he didn't trust her? There is no stronger form of betrayal or immaturity IMO.
 SmartSarcasticSweet
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 9
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 5:51:45 PM
I personally think that DNA tests should be mandatory at birth, just for the child's sake. As far as is it insulting to ask for one when the woman has been giving no indication of being unfaithful...well, how would you feel if your partner came home one day and wanted unbridled access to your email, cell phone, etc. just to make sure you weren't cheating. Even if you had given no indication you had. Might you get a wee bit insulted? Probably.
 tuloa942
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 10
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 6:29:41 PM
If they are in a relationship, YES it's a grave insult. It shows a complete lack of trust. Even if the test came back that he IS the father of the baby, I would doubt the relationship would survive. If there is no trust in a relationship, there IS no relationship. IMO.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 11
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 6:39:30 PM
If paternity tests were mandatory there would be no need for the guy to ask. Until my own father died he voiced doubts to who fathered his children. Me? I'm the total female version of the man except I have more of my mother's coloring. I looked so much like the old man that people could pick him out of a crowd, but he swore he just couldn't be sure. Never asked for a paternity test though.
 nobodyhome01
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 12
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/28/2012 9:28:46 PM
My fiance got divorced because of a cheating husband and he questioned the paternity of there son and in the divorce papers tried to get her to pay for the paternity testing. Judge struck that motion and made him pay and it came back 99.99999% that the child was his.

Rule of thumb is if you question the paternity don't sign the birth certificate until a test is done. Yes it may be seen as an insult but as many said it's better to have it done then instead of waiting years after you've bonded with the child and the child sees you as your father. If it comes back positive you are the parent then you have some bridges you have seriously burned due to trust issues with your other half.
 Aristotle_Amadopolis
Joined: 12/8/2011
Msg: 13
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/29/2012 7:14:46 AM

Under these circumstances should a woman take such a request as a personal insult?

What other circumstances would one ask?





Dr Phil says " He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing" does this also apply if a man is asking for a paternity test with no evidence of cheating of any kind?.

Well if Dr. Phil has nothing to hide, maybe he should take a lie detector test with regards to the 19 year old client he started sleeping with and then hired as his secretary back in 1988.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 14
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Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/29/2012 6:15:56 PM
You beat me to it LilyBeyaz! I've never watched a Dr. Phil show but from what I've heard, I haven't missed anything.

I too am well past child bearing age, BUT...if any young women were to ask my opinion...about how *I* would handle such a situation; my response would be similar to yours...but with some detailed "explanation" about WHY I would IMMEDIATELY end the relationship.

First, if you (the female) gets pregnant "accidentally"....having a child is NO reason to totally ruin your life by staying with someone just because you're having a baby.

Second, if you and your partner planned this pregnancy, and he has NO reason to believe that you've been "unfaithful"....then it's HE who is showing HIS true colors...and they are genuinely UGLY.

Third, ANY person who falsely accuses their partner is more than likely doing so out of their OWN guilt. This means that the accuser is most likely a cheat....and certainly not someone you want to have a relationship with.

Fourth, The man is showing you...that ABSOLUTELY....under NO circumstances....EVER....is he going to "trust you". YOUR life, and the life of your child are going to be miserable with such a man. This is NOT about people who ARE in fact "untrustworthy"....as we all know that there are a great many of those, but this IS about a person who is UNWILLING, or unable TO TRUST....period. NO amount of disclosure, openness, transparency or "togetherness" will EVER get this person to trust you! It's NOT about YOU...it's about HIM.

So, in essence....I wouldn't consider the request so much an insult as I would a "blessing in disguise". I know at least a dozen women who have in the last 30 years....at some point in time, tell me how much they would have LISTENED to my advise when I told them to NOT have the man take a paternity test. It's just absolutely NOT WORTH the few dollars of child support to have to worry about what kind of influence he's having on YOUR child.
And honestly....what does it REALLY matter??? Are you (the Mother) going to refuse to raise the child unless the father is involved? NOOOO!!! Of course not! You're going to be the best Mother you can, regardless of what the Father is doing....so WHY worry yourself about it? You should just Thank God that you found out what kind of person he is BEFORE your child establishes a relationship with him.

No, I wouldn't be insulted....I'd be "relieved".
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 15
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/30/2012 7:10:18 AM
I would have no problem with giving the man I loved and who fathered my child the exact same 100% assurance I myself experienced when I found out I was expecting. We women cant be tricked into thinking a child was not ours, and giving that sense of security should be seen as a loving gesture, not an insult.

I wish every child was dna tested at birth.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 16
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/30/2012 10:22:47 AM
Well, as a guy, if this was a casual relationship I would always ask for a paternity test and not care if she was insulted or not.

If this were a LTR relationship I was serious about I would never ask for a paternity test because I wouldn't need to. I would never be in a serious relationship with someone I couldn't trust.

For me it's either serious or casual, and I have yet to encounter a relationship where I couldn't tell if the women were someone I could trust or not.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 17
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Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/30/2012 11:36:30 AM
First off.... a paternity or even a DNA test does not automatically absolve a man from child support. There are lots of guys paying child support to kids who are not biologically their own.

The courts are much more interested in the relationship between the man, the woman, and the child, than they are in biology. If it can be demonstrated, some willingness by a man to provide support for a woman ( despite any genetic relation to her children ), a court may well expect him to support her and her children.

Naturally, this varies from state to state.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 18
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Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/30/2012 11:38:56 AM
If I had good reason for suspicion and I were in a supposedly exclusive relationship or marriage, then I would want one, but otherwise I would trust my partner. In any other type of relationship or scenario, I would insist on one.
 cajuncooker
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 19
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/30/2012 6:23:00 PM
What does it matter or not. If you love the kids then love them. a father is a sperm donor a daddy loves teaches raises and guides the kids most of the time sometimes an ex ripps away the kids'
 InMyOwnTime25
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 20
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/30/2012 6:55:08 PM
If they're in a relationship, it's offensive, but if they aren't then it's a valid question.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 21
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Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 4/30/2012 10:35:37 PM

Let's not loose sight of the problem. The issue should not only be a support issue but also a domestic one. How many married guys are raising a kid from a wife's illicit affair. This happened in my x's family. My x bro in law found it easier to raise the kid than get a divorce. He actually gets along better with the kid than with the round heeled wife. He's pretty wealthy and decided it was cheaper to keep the mrs. . Point is thousands of married guys are not getting tested either. I'm just wondering how many suburban wives would handle a paternity test. It might result in revocation of her charge card.


See Riptide...THAT IS the problem (at least to me)....in that something which someone's ex did XYZ, and so the new person in the relationship is expected to pay someone else's "bill". And I'm NOT talking about child support.

I always tell both men and women to LISTEN CAREFULLY to the things that a new romantic interest say about their ex spouses...or their friends ex spouses.....BECAUSE....it will tell you EXACTLY what "debt" you have to pay off before you get to be treated as a separate....non-involved party to all of the atrocities that someone else has committed.

And this certainly does NOT speak well for any relationship....when a man "finds it easier to raise the kid than to get a divorce"!!! WOW! Is that REALLY the kind of a marriage that ANYONE in their right mind would want? I certainly wouldn't. But the point is well taken....and in fact, I have a cousin (age 55) who did not know until he was 40 that he was not the child of my uncle. Everyone else in the family had always known it, my aunt had left with another man...who dumped her at the hospital to give birth....and when it was time to leave, my uncle picked her up and they went back home to take up where they'd left off 9 months earlier.

As for what you mean about "suburban wives and the revocation of her credit cards???? I'm afraid that one eludes me entirely. I was a wife for over 30 years....and...always lived in "suburbia"....but WHAT in the heck does paternity have to do with MY credit cards? That reminds me of the moron who attended the same church my husband and I did...and he worked at J.C.Penny. Hubby and I were there one evening, he was buying himself new clothes and wanted my help. We'd been married about 2 years at the time...and when the clerk ran hubby's credit card...it came back with a "Mr. only" restirction. Unknown to the idiot clerk....the restriction had been placed there because of the EX wife....NOT me. The clerk, in his holier than thou attitude perks up and says "Ohhhh, Karen is not allowed to use Pat's credit card!!!" LOL! I naturally, being ....well...ME......replied, "Karen doesn't NEED Pat's credit card... Karen has her own credit cards, with MUCH higher limits....because Karen earns about 3 times what Pat earns".
My ex in fact.....not only raised a child by his first ex wife which was not his.....but WON custody of the boy in their divorce, and I helped raise him the last 9 years of his childhood. He's 45 years old now(my stepson)....LOL! and I occassionally bring him with me to POF parties trying to find him a woman.
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BUT....how would a man feel if every evening he was asked to take a "test" to assure her that he hadn't been out dipping that afternoon when he was supposed to be playing golf????

But in your original post you stated that this hypothetical man has NO reason to suspect that the woman has been unfaithful...but wants "proof". WHAT test pray tell will HE take to PROVE to HER that HE has been similarly "faithful"? Trust is like pregnancy.....you either ARE....or AREN'T....there is no 1/2 way. But I know for absolute certain that had my ex asked for such "reassurance"....I WOULD have told him NOT to worry about it, that I would file for and pay for the divorce...and would NOT accept any child support even in the event that a judge might order a paternity test and subsequently child support after hearing the results. The TEST is inconsequential.....when the TRUST is lacking....there is NO "relationship" Now, my ex and I have been divorced for nearly 15 years....and we are still exectutors of each others estates. (last will updated just 14 months ago) Having that kind of trust doesn't necessarily make a relationship work forever and ever...but without it....the relationship doesn't stand a chance....so the paternity test can't do anything to change that. All it does is, gives the Father "trust" NOT....in his partner....but trust in HIMSELF...that he's smart and savvy.
 Balsamica
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 22
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 5/6/2012 12:10:44 AM
Absolutely, positively, every child should be tested for DNA paternity. If the woman is trustworthy, she should have no problem with that. If she isn't, she will..........
 Tammera4u
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 23
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Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:45:51 AM
I would naturally feel a little insulted because i wouldnt lie about something like that, but ive watched too many Maury shows and therefore would understand why a guy would want to be 100%.
 MacInOC
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 24
Is asking for a paternity test viewed by women as a personal insult?
Posted: 7/25/2012 2:48:30 PM
Asking for a paternity test is the one right we men have regarding children. If nothing else, don't take our one personal right away from us because of guilt, personal insult or whatever.
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