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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Dating with kids.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Siks6
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 4
Dating with kids. Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Depends on the child really. I know my boy does NOT get attached or develop any emotions towards someone else as other kids might. But typically, yes, children do fall easy if the person is there long enough and could get hurt. I would just focus all your time in raising your children. They sound young, so that should really be your main focus. Not dating.
 Siks6
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 6
Dating with kids.
Posted: 4/28/2012 1:21:52 PM

no man comes before my kids

Well then. There is your second issue. . Saying your kids come first - a complete turnoff! As a single dad, I have committments and responsibilities to my son. HOWEVER, the man in your life should be as equally important as your kids, and I expect he treats you with the same respect. How can you possibly build an LTR with someone when there is NO expectation that you will be an equal part of his or her family at some point? No one in their right mind wants to come second, third, or fourth in a relationship........being a responsible parent is cool (we all have to do that, and with that does come commitment). However, stating outright that your kids always come first, there will be no balance and will be doomed to failure. That is why I refuse to date myself. I know my boy will always come first and requires ALL my time and wouldn't be fair to the other person. If you truly think that way, then you really shouldn't date.
 guestx
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 11
Dating with kids.
Posted: 4/29/2012 9:12:04 AM
some very harsh replies to your post! its definitely difficult to date when there are children involved! i have mine 24/7 unless i'm at work. resources are limited as far as babysitters are concerned so it does limit your activities. but if a guy really is interested in you, he will understand that you are a package deal. not too many men can handle coming in 2nd or 3rd to anything or anyone, but the right one will! anyone with kids should know there is really no equality..kids need you more than an adult will. common sense!

you definitely need to 1. find a good babysitter. other rules would be 2. no sleep overs until a well balance relationship is established. 3. limit your intimacy such as holding hands and kissing to when the kids are not in view or sleeping until you're closer to rule 2. it seems very high schoolish but it definitely keeps them from distinguishing between your guy friends. honestly it takes hard work and good effort to protect your kids from getting attached to someone who might not be in their lives later. but like any other relationships, friendships people come and go. its your job as a parent to provide the foundation for them to rely on you, and themselves for emotional support. to have them understand that just because you no longer see that person doesn't mean that friendship no longer exists (which it might not) but you have to be the strength to give that idea that there will be different friendships/relationships and the ones who will stay will be worth keeping.
good luck.
 Siks6
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 12
Dating with kids.
Posted: 4/29/2012 5:26:10 PM
^^^Nicely said dude :)
 island_mel
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 15
Dating with kids.
Posted: 4/29/2012 10:21:15 PM
You definitly deserve to date, and to be happy. Happy mom = happy kids.
sounds like your not neglecting your children, time to meet someone who can be an amazing part of their lives is a benefit I think. im a single mom too just getting back out there, and yeah I know what you mean. I wonder too when is time to meet the kid, I guess when it feels right.
good luck=)
 island_mel
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 16
Dating with kids.
Posted: 4/29/2012 10:33:09 PM
Oh and after reading all those posts, there are two things I strongly agree on.
1) ''my kid comes first'' ..This is a big turnoff for me, when I see that in a guys profile I think ok, well im not coming second all the time and forever. see ya.
For most ppl its obvious that your kids come first, it doesn't need to be said. And they will know by your actions. But if a serious relationship unfolds, ppl want to know they are important in your life., without the, your after my kid thing.

2) limit physical interaction in front of kids until your relationship has a good foundation and commitment to it.

Go get em tigress!
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 17
Dating with kids.
Posted: 4/29/2012 10:38:54 PM
I think that staying frriends, and telling your kids you're friends may help your dilemna.

Its also not a lie.

That WONT work if you start getting inn any way touchy feely though. (bad idea)

MAke sure you have him covered too; like family known, or your family knowing him or something. I hate to sound the scare horn, but sh*T; it's your kids, and dating produces some nutbars right.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 21
Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/2/2012 9:02:49 PM
My daughter is an overly sensitive child and she is not able to handle meeting "dates".


Exactly.

Dudes like me, and mamas, can get rushed or spooked by them also. (see: the username)There's gotta be a tried and true balance, because my rules on it make me gunshy with mama.

I dont think it makes me an as*hole or afraid of single moms, but ya...

...buddy up there said it best.

And how....
 NativeStars
Joined: 12/4/2010
Msg: 30
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History
Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/9/2012 9:33:16 PM
Good point...ive been struggling with this for a while...so thank u
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
Msg: 31
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History
Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/10/2012 4:24:21 AM
I think this is a really hard situation. When my ex started seeing his new girlfriend i made him keep her away from my daughter for 6 months. Before all the negative comments comes, the new 'girlfriend' was my daughters nursery nurse and had been having a relationship with my 'husband' virtually from the moment my daughter left the nursery which was several months before he left me. My ex moved from my house 2 days after christmas into her house, 8 short months after this woman had attended my wedding. If it was down to me she wouldnt be involved in my daughters life full stop as i struggle to understand how someone can care for a child up to 9 hours a day for 2 years and then be 50% responsible for breaking up her family. In addition to this my daughter was 4 at the time and really struggling to some to terms with her dad leaving and a mediator confirmed he should wait 6 months to introduce this woman to her. However, the mediator said this would be the case for me too and up until recently i completely agreed. I would want to at least have a good idea of whether the relationship would last a considerable amount of time before involving kids. However, when she see's her dad once a week its easier to ask him to wait 6 months, which translated as only 26 days really. In my case as a full time single parent 6 months is 6 whole months. I guess what i am trying to say is its up to you as to when it feels right. Like you i have very little babysitter opportunities and i dont in any way begrudge that, but as others have said a new relationship needs time and i would want a new partner to be equal in my life. For me i wont be putting a time frame on it. If i meet someone who ticks all the boxes and i feel there is a future i will judge when it feels right, and i guess thats all we can do!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 32
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Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/12/2012 8:46:23 AM
Depends on the child(ren) involved, their ages, and many other things. You have to figure out what works for you. I would not date anyone for very long before introducing at least briefly, my children. They would be very hurt and probably angry if I one day said oh, hey meet, John Doe, and I've been keeping him a secret for six months.

Now don't get me wrong, my kids don't want anyone instantly in the middle of our lives either but we are a family and we care about what is going on in each other's lives. They don't run my life but I do value their opinions. My kids didn't like one of the men I dated, kept their mouths shut because I was very happy but that experience taught us our "rules."

Within the first couple of dates my kids meet a guy when he is coming to pick me up or whatever, have a quick chat at the door, maybe a couple of dates later a dinner or something not a big deal. I want them to tell me their impressions but if they have no "reason" for not liking someone they a) don't act poorly and b) I keep it in the back of my head that maybe there is something I'm not picking up on. Oh, and my daughter made a "rule" early on, anyone that was ten years older or less than she was off limits to me and her dad who is nearly 40 years older than she is, lol. After I thought about the numbers it's a pretty good rule :)

You should be cautious about your kids, particularly when they are little because they do build attachments but one thing my kids have learned with my dating is that some of those guys have stuck as friends, we were not suited as a couple, but we do like each other. So they also learned that splitting up doesn't necessitate the presence of a bad guy. Sometimes people are just not suited. In your situation if you have problems finding sitters then you need to find other parents willing to swap sleepovers or other kid trading situations so that you can have some adult time and they can either date if single or spend quality time with their spouse if not. There are also people that will sit for you for free if they know you are strapped for cash and need a break which we ALL do :)

I don't think it's advisable to be living a double life but you also want to manage the exposure of your kids to any people you bring into your life. We expose our children to tons of people that we meet at work and other places that we never "vet" the way we do anyone we are dating. So just be smart about it and as my kids feel they have learned a bit about dating from me, it can be a positive situation as well.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 33
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Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/12/2012 8:52:56 AM
Agree with Siks and Confuzzled but I think it is more accurate to suggest that kids and significant others have importance that ebbs and flows. Sometimes the kids are very definitely the first priority but there are other times that the spouse, or other family members or friends take precedence.

The last few years in particular I have come to believe that people really did families a disservice when they jumped on that children always come first bandwagon to the extreme of forgetting that the marital relationship is the sound base upon which a family is formed. Forget or are unable to feed the marriage and the house comes tumbling down.

Children need to know that you are always there for them but they also should not expect that you subsume your life for them and I think it isn't doing them any favors when you do. Life is a balancing act and in a perfect world our kids are there for us too, which means caring that mom or dad has an adult life that is as joyful as their parenting.
 PEACHESNJ40
Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 34
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Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/12/2012 7:22:32 PM
I think as single mothers we know in out hearts that our children will always come first but we should never say that to a guy we want to date or to someone that we want to have a ltr with. I was in a great relationship and he treated me like gold and we had respect and communication between us. The only issue was our children. He had 3 kids and I have two and they were raised very differently. His kids did not listen and were the worst behaved kids that I have ever encountered and my kids were raised to respect others and in a more structured environment. Our children did not get along and that is what ended our relationship. And these guys all say that we shouldn't put our kids first but as fathers they will put their kids first as well , they just wont announce it and they will make the woman think that she is first but deep inside when push comes to shove they will be a father first.
 PA_of_2
Joined: 11/13/2010
Msg: 37
Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/18/2012 9:26:31 PM
Im absoulutely the same way.
 WoodsyOutdoorGirl
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 38
Dating with kids.
Posted: 5/18/2012 11:06:44 PM
I entirely understand what you mean. The "ground rules" are what you see fit.. see most of the guys that I have given a shot had started off as friends, and I try to make things end on a good note or at least patch it up as much as possible. I know my daughter misses the guy I last dated but he began to be so immature, irresponsible and controlling that I couldn't give him another chance. He has visited since the break up but he had also been buddies with my brother for the first 2 years that he was in our lives so she is used to also knowing him as just a friend.

Problem is, most guys don't want wait more than a few months to try and date. I feel people should know each other a good 6 months but as it is, I also have my daughter full-time so I like to spend my free time with her. The next time I try to date, I do not plan on having the guy to my home for a while. My mom also lives with me so I would like to keep the guy out of the family picture for a long while and same for me meeting his. Maybe meet my daughter after a few dates but that is only if I comfortable. If we hit it off, I am still mommy and make the main rules for my little girl but will be open to his views and opinions.
 NeedmyEdward
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 43
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Dating with kids.
Posted: 6/14/2012 7:18:31 PM
Your children won't get hurt if you don't let them, the only thing you need to do, is set the boundary that he is your friend, your child will grow to accept him and he will grow to accept your child as well. I have four children, and I date as much as others do, if I get into a relationship with someone my children meet him with in the first two weeks, cause if I plan on spending a large amount of time with him they should want to as well, and they should be involved as well, it will not confuse the kids if you are upfront about who he is and why he's there, and don't limit the amount of time he or she spends with their own father, and try to let the father in on it especially if you plan on making it a long term thing, if the father is cool, the kids won't feel torn at the seams trying to keep each of you happy.
 lesmond69
Joined: 7/31/2010
Msg: 45
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Dating with kids.
Posted: 6/17/2012 12:21:41 PM
would any one date a single dad with older kids
 Lks2bhappy
Joined: 5/16/2012
Msg: 48
Dating with kids.
Posted: 6/17/2012 10:02:34 PM
The woman I am dating has a son I am smart enough to know if I have any chance with her I need to get close to her son too. Most nice guys will be happy to spend time with you and your kids or grandkids ( if your older )If you meet a selfish person who is bothered by your kids being around you know he is not a nice guy .I am a single dad with a son myself. The woman I date love him to join us. YOu and your kids are a package deal as it should be.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 50
Dating with kids.
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:15:53 AM
just as many people have said, the whole "my kids come first" saying is a big turn off. im especially fond of the women who say this and also say they want to be treated like a queen or a princess. i dont remember any stories where the princess had a few kids that "always come first" before the prince.

kids should come first. no need to rub it in our face.
 TasmanianDance
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 52
Dating with kids.
Posted: 9/15/2012 4:48:33 AM
Dating Girls With Kids

When dating a girl with kids, there is suddenly a lot more to think about. You will have to consider the kids' feelings towards you in addition to the woman's feelings. You will also have to ask yourself whether you're willing to make compromises based around the woman's need to raise children---she won't have as much free time and will have more responsibilities than a single girl. Still, interacting with your girlfriend and her kids can be a positive experience that will brighten your world and open your eyes to new activities.

When to Meet the Kids

Talk to your girlfriend about the best time to meet her kids. Preferably, you will be able to meet her children as soon as you agree to a committed relationship. The sooner the kids meet you, the sooner they will be able to understand the new person in their mother's life. Younger children will be more willing to warm up to you than older children. Your girlfriend should prepare you and them for the meeting beforehand. Ask her how the kids reacted in the past to new boyfriends, what activities they like to do, what her relationship with them is like. Based on her responses, you can get a sense of when it's best to introduce yourself into their lives, and how to do it. When you meet them, it should be in a comfortable place, doing an activity that you can all enjoy together.

Activities

Once you meet the children, it's best to balance time between seeing your girlfriend alone and nurturing that relationship with time spent hanging out with your girlfriend and her kids. This tells your girlfriend that you're interested in developing a strong relationship with her, and tells her kids that you're also prioritizing them into your life and that you care about bonding with them. Take everyone out to activities that they enjoy as a family, whether it be getting a favorite pizza or going bowling. As you get closer to your girlfriend and her kids, you can start incorporating activities that you're passionate about and that they haven't had an opportunity to experience. Maybe they never get to play catch with their mother, or go to a baseball or football game. You can encourage your girlfriend to try the new activities with you and the kids. All of these family-oriented dates will help develop trust between you, your girlfriend and her kids.

Communication

When embarking on a relationship with a girl that has children, it's important to communicate with both your girlfriend and her kids. Make sure that the kids know that you're not taking their mother away from them or trying to replace their dad. Talk to your girlfriend about whether she's happy with how the relationship is going, and she has any concerns about how the children feel about you and men, in general. Opening communication between everyone will ensure that you're creating the foundation of a strong relationship.

Bank Account

Make sure you have money stashed away as dating the clan can be expensive.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 53
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History
Dating with kids.
Posted: 9/15/2012 6:58:38 AM

Well then. There is your second issue. . Saying your kids come first - a complete turnoff! As a single dad, I have committments and responsibilities to my son. HOWEVER, the man in your life should be as equally important as your kids, and I expect he treats you with the same respect. How can you possibly build an LTR with someone when there is NO expectation that you will be an equal part of his or her family at some point? No one in their right mind wants to come second, third, or fourth in a relationship........being a responsible parent is cool (we all have to do that, and with that does come commitment). However, stating outright that your kids always come first, there will be no balance and will be doomed to failure. That is why I refuse to date myself. I know my boy will always come first and requires ALL my time and wouldn't be fair to the other person. If you truly think that way, then you really shouldn't date.

Saying my kids come first isn't a turn off for me, the way I see it, she shouldn't have to say that.
It's obvious.
If I am on a date, and her phone rings, she checks it, and it's her kid..She better answer it!!!
That wouldn't make me feel second, third, whatever. It would mean she is a good Mom, as I would do a same thing!
Having said that, if the kid calls for something that wasn't an emergency, that's different.
So there should be a time when we can be alone, and not to be "bothered". As he said, there should be a balance.
I tell my daughter when I go meet someone. Tell her not to call me unless it's an emergency.


I can see equal yes but If my kids need some thing they will come first

Absolutely. I would understand it, and hope my date does too.
But...Again..If the kid calls just because he/she knows Mommy is on a date, not for something important..Well..
That's a turnoff.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 54
Dating with kids.
Posted: 9/15/2012 7:45:29 PM
livelaughlovelotz- I admire your devotion to your children. What I am wondering before I advice further is this: Does your ex get them every other weekend? Mine does and this is when I date.
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