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Joined: 8/16/2010
Msg: 1
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parents of disabled childrenPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
i find it extreamly hard to find anyone i like and when i do, it seems they don't contact me back or don't like me.
i do think if i was just single it would be alot easier or a mummy with a non disabled child, as quite alot of people are already put of knowing you have a child and then knowing that child is disabled seems to put them more of. there are some really nice people out there who say what a fantastic job your doing, but it's not a job, it's what i do to make my son's life better for him.

i am a single mummy at the age of 21 and my son is coming up to 4 this june, he is severly disabled e.g cannot eat, drink, walk, talk, sit, stand, hold his own head, he is like a 3 month old mentally, and his condition is terminal.

i've being on this site for the past 2 years and i have met a few guys, from this website, but i find it so hard to date as i only have a break if my son is in respite, which is normally once a week but sometimes he may not go if he's ill, or in hospital.

my question is, how do you date when you have a disabled child.
my number one priority before anyone or anything is my son and he will always come first
Joined: 4/5/2012
Msg: 2
parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/7/2012 9:57:50 AM
I'm sorry to read that and I hope this doesn't come across as rude or harsh, I'm not a sugar coat type of guy, Amy you have challenges, I mean you're 21 years old , with a disabled child that needs constant care.

Most guys your age has two basic emotions , horny and hungry, you will find very few guys mature enough to even handle your situation, My suggestion for you kiddo is forgo online dating, joint a support group to meet adults in your situation, continuing online dating will only frustrate you, you've said it yourself you've been on here for 2 years met a few guys and no dates or relationships.

You say his condition is terminal, perhaps spend the time with your son as much as possible and when the time is right you can concentrate on dating, I think its a bad idea to attempt dating now IMO, as you mentioned your number one priority is your son, hands down.

Most guys your age will not understand that, this is why going to a support group is a good idea and be around others who are going through what you're going through, does that make sense?

Im not saying you cant find love but its going to be very difficult with your situation.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/7/2012 10:02:00 AM
I can't offer you very much. I also have a permanently disabled child, though I did not have to try to date while he was still at home with me, my marriage died after he was under professional care.

All I can say about my own approach to life in general, is that I found that I had to simply accept that I could not have the things that people without my challenges could have. It's really no different than being born with, or acquiring a personal handicap, or a set of characteristics that the people you would like to be with, don't care for.

I believe firmly that we both can find a good mate, in spite of these challenges. It's just a matter of realizing that it will be harder for us than for others, so that we don't make ourselves nuts while we search.
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 4
parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/7/2012 10:43:11 AM
It's hard enough dating as a single Mother with an able bodied child. At 21, with all that you are having to deal with, that's a big responsibility for a man who is a similar age as yourself.

21 year old men, aren't interested in raising someone else's child. Sure, it happens, but not often and usually not because they were looking for that specifically. 21 year old men want someone who is accessible when they are available and whose disposable income is available for going out and having fun. That is not the situation you are in.
Add to that, the additional considerations your child requires and 21 year old men, are going to simply skip onto a simpler option.

This might not be what you want to hear but it's the same advice I would give to any 21 year old mother. Put dating on hold for a while and instead focus on building yourself a support network. Join some groups in your area and try and meet parents of any age who are in a similar situation. This might well allow, in time, for you to get into a time swap arrangement, even if it's once a month.

That's what I did. I am older then you and my children are older but even so, everyone needs the odd night off. I managed to find another parent who was parenting alone and so, every couple of weekends we would alternate with a night off and switch out our children. Even if that's completely impossible, a group where you could take your child would provide you with some adult interaction.

Speak to your family doctor (or read the notice board in their office) and see what groups you can physically get too and go. You might well meet up with a young father who fully understands your situation.

Good luck - Try not to allow this to isolate you.Been there,done that, and it's a hard habit to break.
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 5
parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/7/2012 10:57:07 AM
Yup. If I didn't have a child and was interested in dating, I would avoid you. When there are women out there that don't have kids and be able to breed my own blood and flesh younglings and not waste my time for someone else's child. That child is no more related to me then my dog.
Joined: 3/22/2012
Msg: 6
parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/7/2012 6:30:24 PM
There are young men who date young women with children. I know of one and she is currently pregnant with a second child from the 21 year old who is not her son's dad. You are super cute, so I think it would be easy for you to attract men your age. However, your situation is very different from most single parents.

Dating a person with a child with a disability has its challenges. Most of the person's time and energy is focused on the child's needs and it can be hard to watch if a person dating you is not used to being around a child with special needs or is used to the distractions that would take place due to the caring of the child.

You sound like a devoted mother and this makes you a special person. The advice given above about joining a support group is a great idea and those in the group would appreciate your devotion more than most people who haven't a clue what it is like to be in your shoes.
Joined: 5/15/2010
Msg: 7
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/7/2012 7:37:24 PM
You're an attractive woman, and I like it (definite bonus in a woman) that you are very humble and sincere about yourself.

In general, some men won't date a woman with a child let alone a child whose disabled, but you have a lot of good qualities, so it's an always a trial and error issue with finding a true partner in life...and if they don't work out who cares men and women come and go, so go on to the next one until you hit pay dirt.

Again, you got some good things going and are very humbled, so you will land somebody good. You might to screen men before you actually decide to meet them...that will keep from you wasting on losers only out for one thing...see how they feel about kids that should be at the top of your list.
Joined: 8/16/2010
Msg: 8
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/23/2012 1:11:17 PM
thanks guys, i dont like guys my age anyway as they are alot more immature, and they are just after one thing, i like the ae range of 24-27 lol, but i think it may take time to find mr right, maybe one day i might lol, but at the min i'm thinking from some comments the best thing is to just leave dating for a while xx
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 9
parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/23/2012 5:11:46 PM
Your 21 years old!!!! Even WITHOUT a child you shouldn't be here looking for "another". WITHOUT the child you should be looking towards making your future better for yourself and those that come after. But, since you already have a child, it's time to Mommy up and take care of business. Looking for a boyfriend more than likely shouldn't really be high on your priority list.

Yeah, go ahead and call me a bumhole. I'm just thinking of your son right now, not you. Shoot me.
Joined: 4/15/2011
Msg: 10
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/23/2012 10:02:29 PM
Not unless that's what you want.
Joined: 4/15/2011
Msg: 11
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 5/23/2012 10:52:27 PM
Don't listen to this old fool. Mommy up? Are you kidding me. Taking care of business? Have you ever changed your kids catheder? If the answer is no then I don't think your in a position to be telling anyone to mommy up! The op is likely stronger and more emotionally mature then most women twice her age, we have to be. If you want to date then you should date, you've earned your dinner and movie, go out and enjoy your life you'll be a better mother for it. don't let someone judge and call you a neglectful mother just cause your young, that's crap.

Here's my experience with dating with a special needs kid. 9 out of 10 guys will reject you, maybe even closer to 99 out of 100. Big deal, plenty of fish out there and the one left over is usually a pretty solid Guy. Be upfront with your situation, if possible before meeting the person so you don't waste your limited time with jerks. If your not happy, confident and comfortable with who you are then your not gonna attract men, regardless of your situation. But if you are, then the only problem you'll have is too many dates and not enough time. We're women we have boobs for goodness sakes, there's no reason to quit dating unless it's what you want, that's just silly talk. Your a pretty girl ,have fun:modhammer:
Joined: 9/19/2012
Msg: 12
parents of disabled children
Posted: 9/28/2012 11:23:06 PM
I have had the same problem. Clearly it does take a very unique man to step into life with a disabled child, but I choose to look at like our kids are sifting through the rift raft. I have dated guys who knew I have one disabled child, two were even ready to be serious, one actually already was...but they just weren't what I was looking for. I have retired to the fact that most men simply wont want to deal with our issues, really most are not loving enough, that is why I say our kids help sift through them...but I'd rather be my childs parent and have that precious soul in my life than with a man who clearly isn't cut out for "thick and thin", my ex husband is a conditional man like that, and we are better off without him.

It can be difficult but I think that God has a plan for us.

Feel free to holler if you need to talk, I know a lot of people just dont relate.

Hang in there.
Joined: 9/12/2012
Msg: 13
parents of disabled children
Posted: 9/29/2012 3:32:08 PM
I'd have to think if i had a child with those conditions and anticipated outcomes (terminal) then i wouldn't be bothered dating , all my time and energy would be focused on providing the best quality of life for my child and loving him as much as i could while i had the chance.
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 14
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/4/2012 7:12:03 AM

Yeah, go ahead and call me a bumhole
.....Your a Bumhole Mr Walts.
Everybody need's to feel interaction with another human being. We all want to feel loved and most of us want that human touch from someone of the opposite s*x.
This beautiful woman is just 21 year's of age and going it alone with her disabled son. If she is not happy then her son will not be happy...she has a right to be happy.

it's time to Mommy up and take care of business
.....She has already stated that she cares for her son FULL time.....that mean's DAY and NIGHT.
Your situation OP is a tough one, but don't give up and remember you have just as much right to want to date as anyone else on this site does.
Keep your 'feeler's' out there and don't give up.
If your lucky enough to score a date don't feel guilty because you are giving your son 100% and I'm sure your son would want you to be happy.
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 15
parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/4/2012 11:33:11 AM
I have a child who is hearing impared and wear dual hearing aids - we do not sign as he can hear w/o them and talk as well...I haven't had an issue dating so far but listen, if any guy has an issue or feels like it will be overwhelming then they aren't worth it, move on, sure it might be nice to have a special person in your life are young and even men in their 20's don't want to deal with anything "tough"
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 16
parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/7/2012 1:52:54 AM
Do not lose hope OP~ there is always a light at the end of the tunnel!
I have a seizure disorder, my eldest daughter is ADHD/Bi-polar, and my youngest daughter has anxiety stress disorder (including battling bouts of anorexia). There are many people out here with health issues, and maybe you can find someone empathetic to your needs. I was able to meet and have a wonderful relationship with my late fiance. He became terminally ill and passed after six years years together.

My eldest is married with issues relating to her being bi-sexual, not her disabilities. The meds she has been taking have been working for her. My youngest isnt on any meds and counseling has continued to a great help. She does have meds available for a now rare panic attack. She is also married, and they are doing well.

Does my disability prevent me from dating? Heck no!!! Was it hard when my children were coming up?
I do not believe it was the dating I found difficult, but being able to commit to a long term relationship.
Joined: 8/15/2011
Msg: 17
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/10/2012 1:27:07 PM

i find it extreamly hard to find anyone i like

The OP's statement above is way too picky. ^^^ She probably receives plenty of messages from genuinely good men who'd be authentically supportive of her and her child.
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 18
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/12/2012 3:01:26 AM
OK so the casual fling, and booty call stuff is harder for you to schedule in - is that really any major loss? It doesn't seem to me that it's something that overall makes people happy as I look around me.

Your experience with your child is going to force you to aquire a whole lot of skills and abilities that those who haven't walked a mile in your shoes just won't have. You as a person will have a LOT to bring to a long haul relationship in terms of maturity tolerance, compassion, the ability to keep going when times get tough etc that many nowadays just don't possess in their character. You also won't take things for granted or be totally self-obsessed and entitled. Not many people ever learn to really appreciate the blessings life brings them or be content with what they do have iykwim.

Sometime a VERY smart man looking for something real, and not just superficial & with the ability to filter the wheat from the chaff is going to snap you up. When that happens I suspect you'll end up having a long and happy marriage. No decent man is going to object to you putting your child first. You are still only 21. Men who someday want children of their own will just be impressed that you have stepped up to the plate and are dealing daily with the toughest situation any mother can face, with grace.

In the meantime keep building a support network of friends, and make the most of what you do have.
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 19
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/12/2012 6:57:38 AM
Ok this may be a long shot but here goes:

Maybe a small percentage of men might think that getting to know you and your child would be tough emotionally. For starters, since your son is terminal, perhaps a man might think that you will have a very difficult road ahead and he might not be able to be the kind of man to help you through that when the time comes.
OR he might be afraid to get close to you and your son because someday your son will die and that is emotionally taxing on anyone. I'm just saying that personally I would be hesitant in getting to know a child then losing them, even if it's not my own....

I dunno, I may be wrong but I'm just throwing out ideas
Joined: 9/11/2012
Msg: 20
parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/12/2012 7:55:31 AM
OP - i feel for you. I have a bipolar child (teenager) who likes to test someone I am dating.

I will share something with you out of compassion.

Young men or anyone looking to reproduce are going to be hard to find and keep. Even a great guy is going to have a hard time. Subconsciously, men and women start sorting through potentials for reproductive purposes. A man will see you as a risk for having children together. (he may not even realize he's thinking it). its biology. Maybe you need to consider someone older who already has children. here's why:

1)His need to reproduce is satisfied. Although he may be open to having more
2)He will understand the issues with having a child
3)He may be better able to deal with the additional requirements of a special needs child
4)His life experience makes him stronger and he won't be as intimidated with your impending loss.

Have strength... and no don't put your life on hold as the OLD BUZZARD suggested....
Joined: 8/4/2012
Msg: 21
parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/12/2012 11:17:00 AM
good advise. her future is as important as her child. she must learn to manage it properly there is no twas about it
Joined: 10/9/2012
Msg: 22
parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/12/2012 11:24:47 PM
I just don't see where it would be a problem if you are in it for the long haul...
This would only be a problem for men who wan't a fly by night quicky relationship.
Joined: 10/11/2012
Msg: 23
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parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/18/2012 3:29:13 PM
I ama single mom as well with a special needs child. He's had multiple brain surgeries now and sometime I've found that men don't understand that kids come first. Or they don't know how to deal with a special needs child. I'm not honestly sure how to do it either, so I guess my reply is pointless. But I am 19, and so I understand where you are coming from. We just have to keep looking I suppose.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 24
parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/24/2012 10:37:31 PM
amybby- Your post made me cry. You are in a difficult situation. Your son is disabled and has a terminal condition, that's a lot to handle at any age, much less 21.
I have been a nurse for 16 years. For most of my nursing career I worked in respite care for parents of disabled children (private duty care).
I learned a lot about people and life in the years I did it.
It is difficult and heart wrenching, but you are handling it with grace and dignity, your son is blessed to have such an amazing mother.
Don't feel guilty about taking some time for yourself on the day you get for yourself. You need the rest, mentally and physically.
Join a group for parents of disabled children, you can meet people who understand what you are going through and can advise you and give you support.
If you meet someone, they will have to understand that you put your son first.
Hugs and blessings to you and your son.
There are angels on this earth that will never be able to speak to us but they touch our hearts all the same, forever.
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 25
parents of disabled children
Posted: 10/30/2012 4:59:35 PM
wow I admire you! to have a child with special needs is one thing, to have one at 21 (you had him at 17 then??) is absolutely extraordinary. I know myself well enough to know that had I had a child with special needs, even mildly, I could not have kept him. I wouldn't have been able to cope. even with husband! there are others like you out there, and lots of guys that are selfless and have that extraordinary caring nature. try not to get depressed about it, just keep focused on a guy that accepts you and your son completely as you are, who is up to the challenge, and is even more selfless and loving than you could ever imagine. he's out there. just like you're out there, and I hardly even believe that people like you exist. you may try looking up organisations (or sites) that involve disabled kids. guys who volunteer there have that thing in them that you do. that amazing, incomprehensible thing :)
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