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Show ALL Forums  > Creative/Writing  > Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.      Home login  
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 Travis-813
Joined: 4/12/2010
Msg: 1
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.Page 1 of 1    
Ok ~~
The book is a fiction, (Sci-Fi) to be exact, the premise is -VERY- complex, the book wouldn't originally be planned as a stand-alone, but part of a large series, of course before that, there must be a pilot book, the summary of the book is simple ~

It has -some- roots in non-fiction, - Hundreds of years, the time frame is not exactly known the 2 greatest nations of the planet Earth (The United States, and China) entered a war for diminishing resources, the 2 giants slugging it out was destroying the entire planet, with no care for collateral damage to other nations ~ In response the other nations -all- combined their assets into an alliance (The Neo-Earth Union "NEU") in an attempt to put down the 2 crazed Super-powers, and it was working, their combined might was whittling both China, and the US down, both superpowers realizing defeat was imminent decided to call a peace, as hoped for by The NEU Nations, however.. the 2 super-powers still wanted controlling share of the resources, and realized they went about it in the wrong way, the best way was to create an alliance, and conquer the entire planet, bringing the entire sphere under their combined banner, thus they formed an alliance known as "The Terra Dominion", a horrifically powerful, nation was born, and the century long war that would destory the planet, and set in effect a course of actions that would bring humanity to the brink of destruction, and bring forth a new race of sentient beings that would attempt to replace humans began to unfold.

The Prelude is towards the end of the war, when an Dominion experiment goes rogue... resulting in catastrophic effects for the entire human race.

-------------------------------------------

PRELUDE :

"
Rayzo Ji’nok was in a defensive position, back against the wall, hands tightly clenched near his face as if to block an attack that had yet to come. On the other side of the small courtyard a yell announced that the attack was sure to come now, 3 Neo-Earth Union soldiers took up a tactical approach towards him, the lead soldier was a scrawny short man, in the darkness of the night it was impossible to make out his facial features, but Rayzo knew that there was murderous intent in his movements as he brought his Nova Rifle up to his face with Rayzo directly in his sights, the scrawny soldiers shot was true, as the blue energy beam from his rifle hit its mark, the spot that a fraction of second ago Rayzo’s head had been residing in; leaving a charred hole showing how unforgivable the Nova Rifle can be, however Rayzo was a Vetroxian, the first of an elite breed of Terra Dominion Super Soldiers, dealing with NEU Special forces was his speciality.
If the lead soldier was shocked to see his target move at unfathomable speeds dodging his expertly aimed shot, he never got the chance to experience it. Rayzo’s unique black Chrono-blade in his left hand sliced through his black armored vest, while its twin in Rayzo’s right hand did the same moving through his back armor, effectively slicing the stunned soldier in half horizontally.







To the two flanking men their perceptions had betrayed them. For one moment stood a man, an intruder of modest size .He wore unusual battle attire, his feet, legs, chest, and arms were clad in what looked to be modified tellurium infantry armor. With a dark metallic color to it. Perhaps it was the lack of light, or the adrenaline of battle, but the armor, and the one wearing it had almost appeared to be blurry as if out of focus. Before they had a chance to study his image longer-- Lieutenant Farrows charged him with his Nova rifle sighted in. In an instant the man was gone, before they could even react the Lieutenant was cut in two, the two halves falling before their feet. desperately the two remaining operatives searched the courtyard trying to find the intruder.
In frustration the larger of the two screamed “Just what the hell are you!”, with that he felt warm breath upon his neck, and heard a whisper just loud enough to be heard over the internal symphony that was his heart beating frantically, “Not Human” came the whisper. As the last word was drawn out, he jumped in shock as warm blood sprayed onto his face. Expecting the worst the large solider checked to see if he too had been severed in half, only to find no wounds.. The blood was not his, he turned around just in time to see the glazed eyes of Sergeant Oalon roll back into his skull with a large black blade protruding from his chest.




“Ruminator!” Screamed the larger soldier, and with that Rayzo stood face to face with the last of the NEU Special Forces he was tasked to eliminate. “How do you know that word” Rayzo asked accusingly. The large rough faced Soldier replied “How long do you think you could, just run around killing us? We have lost many men to The Dominion’s new Pets, and now we finally know that your kind are real, and not battlefield ghost stories”. Rayzo studied the brute for a moment then smiled, “Knowing about us doesn’t change a damn thing, your life is still mine to take when i please”, and then a thought came, “Tell me, if you knew about us, why would you confront me with only 3 men?” the soldier smiled, as he continued to wipe blood off his face. After a moment, he looked directly into Rayzo’s eyes, and in a casual tone stated “I needed to see with my own eyes, to see if you were what the reports made you out to be, also who said there was only 3 men here at this installation”. Rayzo’s eye’s narrowed, “Who the hell are you?”.
Casually the large man’s hand was raised into the air as he said “I am General Toshiel Karock, Commanding General of the Neo-Earth Union’s Southern Command Division”. With that large flood lights lit up simultaneously lighting the entire court yard, revealing 250 heavy infantry standing at the ready with their weapons sighted in on Rayzo, “and I've been expecting you Ruminator!”.





Looking amused Rayzo studied the small army that surrounded him, he had little chance of taking on all 250 NEU Special Forces Operatives that stood around him ready to fire upon given the command, worse yet one his Chrono-Blades was still stuck in that Sergeant's chest, he didn’t quite understand the Chrono-blades exactly, but as far as he could tell they vibrated in a very high frequency, and resonated with their sister blades in order to slice through almost any earthly material like a hot knife in warm butter. However the blades only worked when wielded together, as they would resonate with the wielders’ Time-Force, each Ruminators blade had direct properties borrowed from their wielders Time-Force abilities, Rayzo’s blades did not cut when he ran his blade through his victims, at-least not immediately, the wounds from his blade would not present themselves until a few seconds after he sliced flesh, this combined with Rayzo’s innate ability to directly channel Time-Force and slow down time created an amazingly horrific effect. To the perceptions of his victims he moved at speeds beyond their understanding, as he was moving in the future, but they were seeing him in the past, combined with Chrono-blades, Rayzo was code named “Ghost-Blade” for his abilities allowed him to been seen in the past while acting in the future. Effectively killing someone before time caught up with them, allowing his death strokes to go unimpeded.





He stood a reasonable chance of escaping using his Time-Force ability, but that wasn’t the mission, and he needed his sister blade to finish the mission, the man before him General Karock needed to die, even if it cost him his life. “What's wrong Ruminator, First time you’ve been faced with failure?” bellowed the large General, clearly pleased with his trap’s effectiveness even if it cost him two of his best operatives. “Clearly you have failed at your mission, and now you are mine, i shall find what makes you tick, and replicate it for the Neo-Earth Union’s war effort. Rayzo sighed, then raised his voice so that all could hear him speak, “Understand this General, i don’t care about your war effort, hell i don’t even care about the Dominion’s war effort, what i care about is the survival of my kind, how we came to be is no longer relevant, it’s been many years since we were created, many more we operated under the notion of being nothing more than a drunk soldier’s war story, which until today allowed us to enjoy a high rate of success in our roles as Dominion assassins. Do not think for a minute that we would have a place in this world after the war, regardless of who wins, we are tools, nothing more, but we have special needs in order to exist in this world. The Dominion sees those needs are fulfilled as long as we perform our roles, and accomplish our missions -- my dear General, like you said before, i have not faced failure before, because it was never an option then, and it is not an option NOW!”. While the last word came out as a scream, Rayzo’s hand shifted into a bright glob of energy. Before the General could react, he looked down in horror to see Rayzo’s hand wrenched deep into his chest.



What he had done was forbidden, and punishable by death according the Terra Dominion’s Military tribunal. The Crux was never to be used on a human, but he had no choice the mission had to be accomplished, it was an acceptable sacrifice to ensure his people would continue to be taken care of by the Terra Dominion. Not a single person moved, unsure of what was happening, and fearful what may yet still come. Rayzo closed his eyes, and tried to pull his hand free, and struggled as if he was pulling something out. When he finally was able to pull his hand out it was no longer glowing but rather clinched to something, it was a glowing silhouette of General Karock, almost as if he was holding his soul in his hand pulled out of his physical body, which now lay slumped on the ground with blackened eyes. “Forgive me” he whispered as he opened his hand the brightly glowing silhouette condense, and became drawn to Rayzo’s open hand like black hole eating the very light from space, the light continued to be absorbed by Rayzo until it was all gone, even the light from the Floodlights was sucked into this whirlwind of otherworldly events, until all was dark.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Still needs more editing, but thats what i got so far. :)
 Pathfinder-86
Joined: 4/21/2012
Msg: 2
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 5/11/2012 4:41:47 PM
Why would General Karock put himself at such an obvious risk? I'd think it would be much smarter to send in a double and then reveal himself along with the others. This could set him up as a recurring character. It seems a shame to end a character with such potential so soon.

Your synopsis seems interesting enough, but I'd need to know more about the plot to give a definitive opinion. Apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic fiction can be great food for thought, but only if it makes sense. You won't find many better vehicles for social commentary than the end of the world.

But in all fairness, I doubt the average person reads between the lines to such an extent, so you'll want to give their opinions more consideration than mine. The best advice -I- can give you is to clean up your writing. You may want to buy a book such as "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk & E.B. White to brush up on the basics: it's a handy little reference of just over 100 pages that covers most of what you'll need to know.

Above all else, don't give up! Few people have the inspiration to begin writing, and fewer still have the dedication to see it through to completion. Publishing is easier than ever now that e-book stores like Amazon's allow independent authors such as yourself to bypass the publishing cartels.
 Travis-813
Joined: 4/12/2010
Msg: 3
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:18:15 AM
Well, all my writing is really raw, unrefined ~ Never took classes, or anything, just started writing, i also write for examiner.com for some side-cash, i enjoy writing, i know i need some refinement, and allot of my writing does require assumptions or visualizing my thoughts, which is something i need to tone down to the average reader.

General Karock was there -assuming- he wouldn't be at risk due to the planned ambush, he never planned to get that close to a Ruminator, he simply wanted to observe, he was flanked by his 2 best special forces operatives to act as a personal gaurds, he didn't expect Rayzo's speed to be so unnatural, and fast, and because the prelude was essentially suppose to be setting the foundation for some background information, as this is a key event to the end of the world.. and the first chapter would take place 5,000 years later.

It's intended as a series, so The General might back.... the biggest issue i have right now, is depth.. it's too deep i want to do too much too fast, i have too many ideas, and directions, i need simplification right now.
 Travis-813
Joined: 4/12/2010
Msg: 4
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 5/18/2012 2:40:09 AM
I already considered that a long time ago about posting something like that online, i'm not worried if someone steals the idea ~ Because the summary i put there is background for the prelude, and does not in any way shape or form reflect what the book would be about, there is so much lore missing it's ridiculous, the book has more depth then any mind that would be willing to steal it could imagine, so i'm not worried, if someone did take it, they would be helping me, as they would be stealing the surface layer of an onion, the dry, and superficial sections, giving me the profitability to let that stagnate while i push forward the juicier, deeper, parts of my idea(s) into a more solid foundation.

So by all means, see what you can do with what little i provided, if you manage a story out of this, it will not be ANYWHERE near the same story i was planning, ergo it wouldn't effect me one bit, and it would still be an original work.
 changingtides
Joined: 1/3/2012
Msg: 5
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 6/5/2012 10:30:55 AM
Very creative. But, many of your sentences are "run on" sentences.
 changingtides
Joined: 1/3/2012
Msg: 6
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 6/7/2012 11:15:19 PM
Travis,
Don't let anyone persuay you from your dreams, if writing is one of them.
 Travis-813
Joined: 4/12/2010
Msg: 7
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 7/26/2012 10:33:30 PM
Thanks for your words of inspiration, i love writing, just find it hard to make a living doing it - i do -some- freelance writing for examiner.com, but that's not really income.. it's money for a sandwich, haha.
 Reprmoreons
Joined: 7/22/2012
Msg: 8
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 7/27/2012 10:04:01 PM

I mean, it's not like it's copyrighted


It's possible anything written on these forums becomes owned by POF. Not that they'd care to use it, because there is likely more money in designing dating sites than writing novels.

About copyrights: A copyright is granted automatically as soon as something is written. The trick is to prove you wrote it.
 Travis-813
Joined: 4/12/2010
Msg: 9
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 7/27/2012 11:38:56 PM

About copyrights: A copyright is granted automatically as soon as something is written. The trick is to prove you wrote it.


That's not true.

In-order for something to be copyright protected it must be registered with the USCO (United States Copyright Office).

For it be registered you must be the first person to take it for register with the intention of generating a capital or commercial use out of it.

- Once it's CR protected it's ILLEGAL to steal it, criminal charged will be pressed, then the own can take out a civil suite for damages (usually amounts to the capital gained during the venture of said theft, I.E. Sales.).

However, you can still sue for stealing the idea - without a writ of copyright it's a hard case to win, but it's plausible, you can sue over anything, winning the suite is a different story.

A disclosure between POF and it's user means really nothing in the courts, or legally it means if POF.com decides to use it, and you sue over it, they have a much stronger case because you agreed to it when you used their services, it does not automatically grant them ownership over it.

Seee
Vivendi Activision Blizzard vrs Valve over rights of the DotA model - A recent case that proves this point.
 Reprmoreons
Joined: 7/22/2012
Msg: 10
Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.
Posted: 7/29/2012 2:52:15 PM

That's not true.


A quick look at Wikipedia, which is good enough for this:

"Copyright law of the United States" then scroll down to "Registration of copyright" and...


While copyright in the United States automatically attaches upon the creation of an original work of authorship, registration with the Copyright Office puts a copyright holder in a better position if litigation arises over the copyright. A copyright holder desiring to register his or her copyright should do the following:


As I said, a copyright is granted automatically as soon as something is written. The trick is to prove you wrote it, [which is why people register the work with the copyright office].
Show ALL Forums  > Creative/Writing  > Prelude to a book i'm working on, opinions please.