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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more t      Home login  
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 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 5
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Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends? Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Does he truly want a real relationship? I have explained I don't want marriage and living together would be years down the road to even consider.

Sounds to me like you need to decide what you want, before trying to determine what he wants.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 10
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 5/16/2012 5:49:27 PM
Here is my viewpoint on the situation you've described.

You've said he is good to you and, he seems to be that way in every way since you have not mentioned a single negative thing about him. The fact that he is not expressing his feelings quite the way you'd like doesn't mean he doesn't have them. His actions so far seem to indicate that he genuinely cares about you, on the other hand, it does not mean he is in love with you.

The problem seems to be that you want to _hear_ about some type of commitment and possibly some romantic words.

Since you're not looking for marriage and, even living together would be "years down the road", why are you trying to pry words or commitments out of him which mean a lot less than his actions ?. You seem to be part of a caring monogamous relationship, that's already a commitment the two of you have tacitly made. A lot of couples out there would wish for the chance to "settle" for that much.

From what I can tell, the two of you seem to have a very good thing going. If I were you, I'd leave what is a good thing alone and let it grow naturally. Enjoy the way he is towards you. When he is ready (if he is ever ready), he'll say those sweet words you seem to long for.

If a verbal commitment and romantic words are so important to you then, tell him _calmly_ how you feel and what you wish the relationship to become. Do know that by doing that, you are taking the risk of complicating things quite a bit and, in a somewhat extreme case, maybe even risking the relationship.

If I were in his shoes, I'd wish you leave the thing alone but, ultimately, it is your call.

vvvvv about tgrlily2day's comment. I can certainly understand her looking at it that way from a woman's viewpoint but, I think she's got it all wrong. On the other hand, other than being able to see it from the perspective of "your guy", I cannot guarantee you that I may not be the one that is wrong.

Bottom line is: he is good to you, supportive and loving. ACTIONS speak louder than words and so far, his actions are all good.
vvvvvv
 Helloitsmeyourlookingfor
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 17
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 5/21/2012 7:43:23 AM
uhhhggg Spearated(actually separated), divorced.... those are legal terms. If you are emotionally separated from someone that is all that should matter in terms of feelings in a relationship. I for one am separated and will remain so for quite a long time. My second wife and I have our separate paths in life but still have a business relationship. We have no arguements now that we each live our individual lives. My girlfriend is well aware of the full situation as is her boyfriend. When it comes to matters of the heart, who gives a crap what a piece of paper says!!

That being said... back to the topic at hand.
Thank you UK for your recap!! Now I understand. Going back to the orginal post, I have to wonder how much open and honest communication was there between the two of you? Sounds like a whole lot of conjecture, insecurity, and everything else that will be the demise of a relationship. The lack of communication combined with your own dishonesty of yourself ("I ignored my own feelings") breeds for that typical scenario where one partner is going away on business or whatever for a few days and then the fear of abandonment takes over.

I don't get why people can't be honest with their partner about their feelings. Mine knows the skeletons in my closet and I hers. Some stay buried in the closet, others come out to role play fantasies, and still others give her every piece of my heart and a full blown blueprint on how to destroy it.

Like Billy Joel and the song The Stranger.... we all have one. Read the lyrics...... http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/The-Stranger-lyrics-Billy-Joel/953DB3F466E12BCA48256870001B45F1
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 18
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 5/21/2012 8:37:27 AM

...he hinted on asking to move to the next level...I put it off till Sept. Starting Sept..with much discussion as I had been broken hearted, etc a kazilion times.


What's so special about September? Is that the cut-off point to which afterwards, you can start trusting someone again without the fear of being broken hearted? Gee, I can't understand why any guy would be confused by this logic...LOL. If you have been broken hearted a kazillion times, there's one common denominator, and it's YOU. If I was dating someone and she said to me she has been broken hearted a kazillion times, I wouldn't stick around and be Mr. Heart Break number kazillion and one.



I truly dont' know how long after my timeline I've set for myself that I can endure this rate of status.


Another problem is you're obsessed with deadlines. You have set a specific timetable in which you must to be in a real relationship. He hinted at taking it to the next level, but that didn't fit into your timeline. Have you picked out a wedding say too, which a guy must adhere to? Does the guy have any say in your deadlines? The guy is in the middle of a divorce. Cut him some slack. I think the guy is doing the right thing-waiting until he is fully divorced and truly single before committing to some one else. But then you get the "Dump him if he won't commit right now" crowd in the peanut gallery, no matter what the situation. You are sounding desperate OP. Discuss your deadlines and ask him for his deadline table. If neither one of you will budge on your schedules, there's no hope.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 22
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Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 5/21/2012 1:45:32 PM
I think you have to stop worrying about the future and enjoy what you have with this man. He is not being unreasonable, he is just different and in a different stage in his life.
I also believe that no matter how HE chooses to express his feelings, you should express YOURS the way YOU want. If you want to say "I love you" or jump his bones, do it! Being you is the only way he can fall in love with the real you. Do not allow how others might think to get in the way of how YOU are.
So what if he can't express right now, you can and I'm sure he won't mind as long as you don't try to force him to act the same way. His way may be different...but it's good. Remember that.
He might be the type that doesn't express his feelings in a way you are used to, and it may never happen. The thing is, what is important is that he cares for you and shows it in his ways and you care for him and you show it in your ways...start showing it more if you want, it's O.K.

If you want him to show it in other ways, then you might be disappointed or you'll have to wait for awhile longer, or you'll have to teach him. Don't be disappointed if he doesn't get it though.

Go for what is...not what you "think" it should be not what would look good to others, not what might happen in the future.
That way of thinking will drive you nuts, because... it is nuts.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 23
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 5/21/2012 10:18:44 PM
first of all if you have been burned so often I'd think hard and see why you are picking such bad guys. You are obviously having problems seeing who guys really are and seeing what the situation is.

Tell him what you said in the forum. Just tell him you are not feeling it and that your emotional needs are not being met.

communication and honesty matters. With your past, I wonder about this guy though. You need to see why you pick certain guys. This may be another one in that line. I mean I'm sure you thought all those other guys were great at the time too. I hope it works out for you.

P.S. DOESNT' MATTER WHAT A MAN SAYS! If he says he can fly, can he? Look at what a man does. What he does shows his heart and when his actions equal his words, then you'll know it's write.

If he acts one way but says he feels the opposite, then worry and confront it.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 5/27/2012 1:36:07 PM

I truly don’t' know how long AFTER my timeline I've set for myself that I can endure this rate of status.


I'm curious OP, about this timeline you've "set for yourself" - does *he* know about this timeline? Have you discussed this timeline with him? Or are you just magically expecting him to conform to some timeline he doesn't even know about (good luck with that)?

You're looking for 'commitment' from a guy who isn't even finished with his last relationship - he's still trying to stabilize his life from the last one, finish with divorce, custody, etc. And Jmark4 said it well, you should judge someone by his actions, not his words - I'm sure at your age (and my age) you've been through enough relationships with people who 'claimed' they loved you, while cheating, lying, etc, to you. If you communicate well, and you trust him, you should be able to talk about it... it honestly sounds to me like you're enjoying your time together, you're just looking for some specific 'words' from him of 'commitment' - if you're otherwise secure/happy, is sounds more like your own insecurities than anything he's doing 'wrong'.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 26
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:48:49 PM
Well ironically he dumped me because of an error I made in judgment. Meanwhile , in the winter there were several occasions I could have said..stop the show! I didnt' because i truly believe if someone shows you consistency at every turn you should give them the benefit of the doubt.

Tried to talk it through and it escalated so much he cut off two future plans one of which I soooooo adored with him. :(

Truly sad at this stage.

I've dated alot and i know what I want but i guess the words that I wanted to hear or hang on to I should may be have not been hung up on. Instead of gone steadfast and be patient with how he SHOWED he cared. Yet...it begs the question, if you tell someone you are in love with them as I did last eve? You get a 'dead air' answer..what does that say, was it in the stars?

Heart is hurting deeply...ugghhh...I need a brown cow..or two or three!

Do not want to jump back in this dating scene...there is something to be said for sharing everything you go through with a man/partner.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 27
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/6/2012 6:18:58 PM
Thanks to the last 2 posts...:) Words of empathy and advice feel nice when your heart is hurting.

I've not heard from him at all today. Your right though just...I'm 8 years legally separated..he is 4 years soon to be divorced...perhaps going in as getting to be friends and knowing each other..i didn't treat our meeting like an interview because i wanted to be free of that mindset. He worked hard to get me to date him. Once we became intimate it just grew into something comfortable but nice. ONce I started seeing I really cared about him..he plainly told me he's got alot on his plate. Yet he told me at Easter/dont' give up and be patient with him. Then one slight mishap and it's sayonara.

As one of my dearest friends said last night lately by text...what would then curtail if he said yes you are officially my girlfriend but I still have to go through all of the court stuff, etc. I would be yayy....I'm good with that..I'm not asking to go to the altar and I made that very clear back in feb/march.

Your right just a girl..if he says he's not in or non-responsive that is my answer.

I will know for sure by tomm or the next few days. I told him no one would love him like I do..and that's the God's honest truth. I am french canadian and we french love hard as hell!!
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 28
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/7/2012 2:48:23 AM
I will..going into work today. Still have not heard a word from him but allowing him space at the same time.

I am always true to my word. I was just showing compassion in the error that I made and he decided without any thought to cut things quickly.

I know what I want from him but it may at this point not be enough for him to work with. I do not think asking someone how they truly feel is asking alot. In his case, he may feel this because of everything else. HOw long does one wait to be told yes that they are important to them?

I don't rightly think I can date others right now. I'm hurting too much.

Will post this eve. Today is when he's said he'll get his stuff. I do hope he'll have some discussion before lowering the boom. It would be the decent thing to do.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/7/2012 4:47:18 AM
Just as an aside here OP, it appears you have 2 profiles (Dudleydoogal, which says you're 39, and 2purehearts that says you are 48)... beyond the age difference between them, you should know that this is against forum rules and could get both of your profiles deleted.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 33
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/8/2012 3:08:01 AM
Wow, does no one get that the words .....I am dating thsi man...means I am dating a man who is single..be comprehended?

I DID NOT have an affair...and if I did have an affair with a married man would I be soooo friggin stupid as to write about it openly on this forum????

Impending divorce means he is giong to court and he is seeking a divorce.

We are at a standstill anyways because of something I did that made him want to reevaluate things but that's ok..cause I was going to be the one doing this anyways.

The man may not have the feelings I am seeking/feeling and if it's going to be the old cliche...it's not meant to be then ya....I will move on...not with happiness totally but will go on to the next chapter.
 tcutie4u
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 36
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Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/8/2012 8:24:49 PM
By that logic, a couple could get married without the piece of paper as well? And if they took the time to get a piece of paper to get married, then why not take the time to get a piece of paper to get a divorce?

I think what everyone is saying is that getting a legal divorce can be difficult/ it is not quite the same as being unlegally separated. Although, he may be totally over his wife, going through the actual divorce (especially with children), can be very difficult and painful. Getting involved with a married ( or single man that's not legally divorced) can be difficult. I would imagine that he needs the emotional space. And unless you are willing to be patient and take a risk (because it is a big risk).then i don't see it working out.
If you expressed your undying love for him, then this could've had the opposite, negative effect. He may be feeling emotional overwhelmed. Although, you may only see it as a piece of paper, as he has said (in not so many words) that he needs his space to cope with his divorce.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 37
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/8/2012 10:43:07 PM
YEs...I suppose your right..but we ALL have external circumstances that we have to contend with and up until now our going out and seeing each other has been doable ..but your right on the one hand...his court starts soon enough and it may be rattling his cage a little while he doesn't exactly know where to place his mind/thoughts/actions.

I suppose I should give him more time and do want to work at making it work and a more satisfying relationship.

I will know by next week where we are both at.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 40
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/9/2012 9:15:13 AM
He is or he wouldn't be taking the time to think..he would just say that's it that's..all....SOME men do have consciences and he wants to be sure he makes the right one.

If it isn't to be it isn't to be.

It will be my loss as well as his.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 42
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/9/2012 9:51:48 AM
Thanks UGlyfroggie...I removed it...it was there for another valid reason but now makes no sense as I may become single again.

Thanks for pointing that out.

I wanted honesty but empathy and I got some folks who misunderstood the course of what I was trying to express.

Happy Fishing!
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 43
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/9/2012 10:53:30 AM

You met socially and became friends and enjoyed each others company.
He wanted more but you were reluctant.
You said you weren't ready for a relationship but you decided to make it a FWB arrangement.
He was supportive of you - helping around the house, friendly with your kids but respected your wishes not to rush you into applying a label to your relationship.
Then because he wasn't suffocating you and because he didn't apply pressure to you, you felt insecure ?
You didn't discuss your confusion with him at first until he was going away and then he explained he had some significant things going on in his life so you started to pull back.

You defined the boundaries of your relationship ! You got what you asked for.
Then when you wanted to change them, he wasn't in a position to offer what you had previously rejected.

I guess sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for.


All you can do now, is explain that you would like a real relationship and see if he;s willing to consider that. If he isn't, you are going to either have to lay in the bed you made or decide to walk away.


great comment. You are playing head games op. You want to be suffocated by attention because you seem insecure. then when you dont get it you freak out.

this is on you. Sex isn't a toy and you used it as one. Now you are on the other end.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 44
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/9/2012 12:23:28 PM
I dont' recall getting that earlier posting but nevertheless...nooooooooooooooooo I didnt' want an FWB arrangement hence my not wanting to jump literally into anything with him until i was sure that he would prove himself otherwise. FUnny how words, comments can be misconstrued misunderstood. Yes I went along with his request to give him time as he said he would need to get his s**** in order before making any serious moves. I was told thsi in November when I realized I was falling for him. Question I am asking myself...if Love doesn't look it , speak like it, feel like it, is it love?

I am not one to play head games but only a gal who doesn't beat around the bush with her feelings.
 clairedlawyer
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 46
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/9/2012 12:43:26 PM
If he has deep feelings for you, by now he will say so. He is putting you in a limbo because he is not even sure of himself but he was hoping to keep you until he is sure......
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 47
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 6/9/2012 12:52:13 PM
Thank you sunshinebridge and clariedlawyer.

This weekend he has his boys and my kids are with their father. I'm getting alot of thinking/alone time. I've also been realizing/feeling that now that I've put an implied tiem limitation on him becuase of our argument last tuesday eve I need to really ask myself. Will his feelings change or come out or be expressed any differently just because human nature as a woman has said ..ok...is the jig up now? We have been playing house for a year come sept. We met May 2011.

If he is scared to say I think I'm in love with you or I think your great which he has said. Only once. Then he has to state what his intentions are.

I do have some insecurities with abandonment becuase of my past but I am also strong in voicing how I feel. Feelings that can only be suppressed for so long then they cry out.

It would be a shame if it can't be worked out. He truly is the most wonderful man I have ever met and what's sad is I could see myself with him on the other side of the table at breakfast when we are older (not married or anything) talking and laughing and enjoying life.

We shall see...since thursday he has been keeping the lines of communication open so I am positive about this.

Thanks ALL for your opinions and they do prompt alot of thought whether good or not. This really helps.
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 48
Acting like a boyfriend on all counts but saying just a little more then friends?
Posted: 7/6/2012 6:58:11 AM
Status...we have worked things through.and our relationship has progressed .

I am happy and feel content with where we are and are just enjoying each other.

Taking the time to really get to know one another is the only way to understand one another.

Thanks for all your opinions, comments.
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