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 AUTHOR
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 1
I'm miserablePage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Met a man off POF about 9 months ago. Started of FWB and it eventually turned relationship. A weird one...love and hate (well in my mind anyways). We love each other, but he makes me so miserable. He was in a car wreck (before we met) that caused brain trauma. He can be super smart, but he's almost bi-polar (maybe he is, just not diagnosed). He is a constant downer, isn't working, doesn't care about whether or not he sees his daughter (previous relationship), he's boring, always high, and he could care less about me and how I am. I guess you can say that he's into himself and his problems and could care less about others. Here lately, he bothers the crap out of me. He doesn't understand why I need "me" time all the time. He wants to move in, and I told him if he did that I would probably go crazy and check myself into the nearest psych ward...which was my way of saying NO.

This should be simple right? I should get rid of him, I know. I do need to very badly. It's not that easy! Maybe I feel sorry for him? I do love him, but I cannot do this anymore. I'm on depression meds, and he keeps me depressed all the time! I know if he was gone, I would be happy! I even told him that I needed a break from him, and he still doesn't get it.

Side note, he's talked some crazy crap before. He stated that he wished that he could just kill his ex wife and get it over with...and he would go down shootin (meaning, he wasn't going to go to prison). He also told me if I was against him...he would not have a problem doing the same to me. The next day, he told me he was just talking crap and he didn't mean any of what he said. VERY SCARY!

So now I find myself not knowing what to do. Talk some sense into me. Call me stupid (because I know I am)! Offer advice....anything!

I'll understand if this gets deleted. least I vented ;)
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 2
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 5:18:49 PM
Wow Christy---

I'd suggest cutting ties with this man so you can focus on getting healthy. It's not so much about his instability but the fact that by staying with him you're enabling him to continue his manic behavior. I'd also seek some advice in how to handle his rants. While, I'd hope he was only talking crap---if his behavior is as unstable as you report I'd be a bit worried that if he goes off he would take you with him.

Venting helps---but being proactive in your well being and safety trumps this tumultuous relationship.
 AZ-CA,Guy
Joined: 8/24/2006
Msg: 3
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 5:23:12 PM
My question is.,

If your in a relationship with someone, Why are you still on this site & Why is your status " Looking for a relationship?
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 4
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 5:23:46 PM
Side note, RUN!

Don't walk!

Do not pass go!

AND ween yourself off those meds too. They seem to make you numb to the chaos your life has become.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 5
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 5:25:37 PM
It's indeed a no brainer. Agreed.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 6
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 5:27:40 PM

If your in a relationship with someone, Why are you still on this site & Why is your status " Looking for a relationship?


I expected this question.

We do not consider each other BF/GF. I did state that we were in a weird relationship.
 amalefriend
Joined: 2/11/2012
Msg: 7
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 5:38:27 PM
Two words girl, self-care. Get rid of anything in your life that is not leading you in that direction.

Who we hang around contributes to how we feel about ourselves. Talk to a counselor. Sometimes this helps a person see how unrational their life is when they are telling it to another in a public setting. They can help you set goals, such as cutting ties.

You seem like a nice person, who is honest with others but not yourself. It is my personal bias but it seems like everytime I hear of a woman engaging in FWB, the next thing she indicates is that she is depressed. My bias is that I don't think FWB works for women's emotional well-being. Just sayin'. Take care.
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 8
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 6:06:23 PM
Is this for real?

He has psychological problems and is potentially dangerous.... you do get that, don't you? People who dismiss comments like the ones he made many times do end up dead. He threatened your life and the fact that he passed it off as a joke later is irrelevant. Stable people don't joke about things like that.... and about killing their ex wife and themselves as well.... are you kidding me??? I think you should take this more seriously than you seem to be.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 9
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 6:18:56 PM
^^ Jeri, this is for real, yes ma'am.

You tellin it like it is ..well..is what I need to hear. I do take it seriously, that's why I am scared to do anything based on what he told me and I think he is for real because everytime he lies, he laughs. He didn't laugh about killing his ex wife.

Meems, what should I do exactly? Call the police and tell them what he told me "just in case"? Should I contact his ex wife and warn her? Serious question

 ventti
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 10
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 6:30:10 PM
^What should you do?

This should be simple right? I should get rid of him, I know. I do need to very badly. It's not that easy! Maybe I feel sorry for him? I do love him, but I cannot do this anymore. I'm on depression meds, and he keeps me depressed all the time! I know if he was gone, I would be happy! I even told him that I needed a break from him, and he still doesn't get it.

What are the issues in your life that you are trying not to think about? It sounds like this guy is a diversion from your real problems, problems that you can fix but choose not to do anything about.
You should ''get rid of him''. It appears he offers you nothing but grief. Yet you choose to stay. Why? That's something you haven't divulged here.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 6:35:40 PM

Should I contact his ex wife and warn her? Serious question

serious answer: have you ever seen this woman? do you know if she actually exists?

your relationship is going to shit, you're so stressed you're paralyzed - YOUR OWN LIFE IS THREATENED - and the one you're worrying about is some stranger. a stranger who apparently is better equipped to take care of herself than you are, since she managed to cut ties with this guy.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 12
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 6:41:03 PM

serious answer: have you ever seen this woman? do you know if she actually exists?


Yes, I've seen her and she exists. I've been there for their daughter hand off. Never talked to her but I do know how to if need be.

Meems...thank you.
 part deux
Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 13
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 7:06:47 PM
Christy,
Please don't take this as me being mean, or cruel, but you state that " we love eachother, but he makes me miserable
'. For me, there is such dissonance in this statement- how, as an adult, can you love someone who makes you miserable? I think that maybe you need to work on your own self esteem before you get into a relationship. It is hard work, but you are worth it.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 14
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 7:14:42 PM

Yes, I would call the police and ask their advice.


This now.
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 15
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 7:18:19 PM
Opie, you HAVE to get away from this guy. It won't get better, in fact, it will get a LOT worse. He will use every
trick he can to try and guilt/scare you into staying and it could escalate into violence. Has he ever been physically
violent toward you? I am afraid for you Opie, please get away from this man as soon as you can do so safely .
Call the police if you feel like you're in danger and they will help you.

My children's father sounds a lot like your boyfriend. I won't post every detail but for EIGHT years I lived a
life of hell and almost constant fear. He told me if I tried to leave he would kill me...one night he woke me up
and he had a .22 pointed in my face. He was drunk and ranting about something, and while I was silent and
tried not to even breathe in case it triggered his anger he would trigger it himself and he fired a couple of rounds
into the ceiling above my head. I have only experienced blind terror one other time, and that was the night I took
the kids and RAN. But before I managed to get us out I called 911. He had a 30.06 and told our son he was going to
kill me and then himself. The 911 operator heard my son when he told me, she was begging me to get out of the
house.

So we got out, went to the police station in town (we lived on a farm) and they spent 5 hours bringing in SWAT
teams from 5 surrounding cities to take him down. They used a battering ram and took him without incident - he
was passed out on the couch. They held him in jail for 6 weeks and during that time I went back and packed up all our
stuff.

I won't tell you it was easy Opie, it was the hardest and most terrifying thing I've ever done. As soon as I dialed
that number - 911 - I knew my life would never be the same. It was the best decision I ever made but at the time
all I wanted to do was hang up. Thank God I didn't.

I discovered an astounding thing in the months that followed, something I wish I had known years before. When I finally reached out for help and told my story I was touched and utterly shocked by the responses I received.
So many people/agencies/friends and family helped me to deal with it and all of them were tremendously supportive
and never made me feel as though it were my fault. I could finally let go of the guilt and the overwhelming shame
and start over with my kids. It was hard, it's still hard, but it was the BEST decision I ever made.

My reason for sharing this with you Opie is to give you an idea of where it can go...the abuse gradually gets
worse and worse until one day you wake up and ask yourself how you ended up living that life. Don't let
that happen to you Opie, get the hell away from him now and don't ever look back. Go to the police and tell
them what he said about killing his ex and you, they'll pick him up and maybe he'll get the help he needs.

Regardless of what happens to him you cannot stay. It will NEVER get better. GET OUT NOW.

Good luck Opie, I truly hope you extricate yourself from him and go on to live a long happy life.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 16
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 7:47:55 PM

If your in a relationship with someone, Why are you still on this site & Why is your status " Looking for a relationship?


For the love of sh*t; what the hell is with this site?

You're with a nutbar, and you're here trolling for someone to add to the mix?

There was a time when I never even knew this sh&t existed out there. We'll call "the good old days"
 blissness108
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 17
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 8:05:13 PM
I think no matter what you decide you need some boundaries and some distance right away. There is nothing wrong with taking depression meds. There is never anything wrong with self care or a quest for ourselves to get better and heal.

I think you do need to talk to the police. I do not know how "off the books" that is. If you do make an official statement please be sure to get a restraining order against him.

I am no one to lecture about a healthy relatinship. But something is not right here. Sometimes when we "love" someone we are really blinded by what is so self evident to all of us reading this.

If you can get to a counselor right away, go. A domestic abuse counselor should be free in your area. Although he never hit you, they will have advice for you.

Another place to go and sit and soak up some wisdom: Al Anon . I have found the people there to be very non jedgemental and supportive and positive. I think it is not a good time for you to be alone. As was my case I cut myself off from everyone (part of being in an abusive relationship) and never shared what was going on in my life. You can feel safe there.

Self care, self love...do all you can at this time for you.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 18
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 8:20:44 PM

For the love of sh*t; what the hell is with this site?

You're with a nutbar, and you're here trolling for someone to add to the mix?

There was a time when I never even knew this sh&t existed out there. We'll call "the good old days"



I like your "smack in the head" response. You are right, except for the comment about trolling.

Perhaps I am looking for that one dude that can take me back to the "good ole days", except I should wait and get rid of the nutbar first. ;)


Thanks everyone for the responses. The nice and not so nice. I appreciate them all.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 19
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 8:37:41 PM
Christy,
I've been following the forum for the past few months and I have read some of your posts. You've always struck me as creative, kind and thoughtful. I also recall from an earlier post, your disclosure of a difficult childhood. I wonder to what extent the legacy of that experience is manifesting in this situation. Someone who you care about hurts you, threatens you..creates confusion and despair for you. At some point I hope you make the decision to work through your past, acknowledge how it's bleeding into your current life and make a decision to shift the course. You deserve so much better.
 KneadfulThing
Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 20
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 8:42:05 PM
As disturbing as it all is I have to say personally that not wanting to spend time with his own daughter tells me this cat is deeply depressed and a little low on the self-worth. Which comes first is the question. It sounds like he may be on disability and is lacking any hobbies other than getting high. No wonder he is depressed. He's way out of the groove.
If you want to help him you should get him an appointment at the behavioral health joint and get his serotonin stabilized. If that goes nowhere tell him you are going to be getting very busy and your time will be limited. Then find a way to be too busy and only respond to a positive attitude and very little else.
Do not wait till you decide on another relationship because that is not fair to anyone and raise the probability by 1000% that nobody is going to come out of this better off than when you went in. PS. The line between Love and Hate is not nearly as thin as you seem to think it is.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 21
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 8:53:23 PM
Yes call the police, yes tell his ex wife. Yes cut him off in alllll ways quickly. Abusers 1st response to there threats is "I was joking".Call a domestic violence hotline and talk to an advocate. If you live in fear he wins. Blessings~
 STAYREALOK
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 22
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 9:05:27 PM
I've read your responses in the forums in the past and have found you to be a smart lady. You know the answer...put that foot forward and do what you know is right. Good luck and best wishes.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 23
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 9:09:45 PM
As disturbing as it all is I have to say personally that not wanting to spend time with his own daughter tells me this cat is deeply depressed and a little low on the self-worth. Which comes first is the question. It sounds like he may be on disability and is lacking any hobbies other than getting high. No wonder he is depressed. He's way out of the groove.
If you want to help him you should get him an appointment at the behavioral health joint and get his serotonin stabilized. If that goes nowhere tell him you are going to be getting very busy and your time will be limited. Then find a way to be too busy and only respond to a positive attitude and very little else.


Thumbs up...

he is depressed, he is on disability, has no hobbies other than smoking weed. He is always talking about packing up and leaving (which I encourage everytime I hear it), and he's always too tired to do anything (the weed knocks him out).

Tried talking him into going to the "St Alban's" in the hospital which is basically the psych ward, and he's afraid that they would send him off to a more permanant facility. I tried talking him into seeking help with a psychologist, and he states that they will do the same thing. I've tried EVERYTHING.

I even told him to sober up, get his life straight, and then call me. He'll call the next day 5 or 6 times. He just doesn't listen. So I texted him tonight at 9:30 (he's usually out like a light at 9 due to being high) and told him that I needed a break from him for a few weeks to decide what I am going to do and get my head straight. If he loved me, he'd leave me alone. If he cannot sober up, and find a job, and seek help...i'm done completely.

 Dork_Vader27
Joined: 5/8/2012
Msg: 24
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/19/2012 9:55:14 PM
To start out with..

"He makes me miserable." Um why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't make you happy?!?
"but he's almost bi-polar." Um Do you have a some kind of degree in Mental health care? If not then do not try and diagnose someone with a mental disorder or illness. Sure he might have something going on. How ever diagnosing mental illness is difficult a person can exhibit numerous traits of a mental illness and not have it. Another point many of those that work in health care will not always agree on a diagnosis.
"he is a constant downer" Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who's depressing?
He has no job. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a guy who can't support himself or provide?
He doesn't care about his daughter. You know this guy is not a good father! And you're in a relationship with him? What are you going to do if he gets you pregnant? I can tell you.. You'll have a dead beat dad and NO child support.

Do I really need to keep going?
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 25
view profile
History
I'm miserable
Posted: 5/20/2012 2:18:13 AM
I have known men that were not sane and I NEVER again, will I tolerate this as my profile states.
My advice is: Get as far away from this guy and removed from this guy as you can. Too far is not far away enough.
Get away from him. Move on, try to find sane men. I know finding sane men is difficult, but keep searching as I do.
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