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 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
Msg: 1
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Divorce?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hey everyone,

I'm not sure whether this is an appropriate thread but i just wanted some advice really. Tomorrow i have an appointment with my solicitor to start divorce proceedings based on my ex husbands adultery. We have been separated 18 months now and have a young daughter. Can anyone advise me on how this is going to go? My ex husband doesnt have a solicitor and has told me before he wont pay for one. I just want a rough idea of how things might play out before i speak to my solicitor so i can be prepared.

Any help would be much appreciated!

Thanks
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
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Divorce?
Posted: 5/22/2012 8:36:52 AM
It has been an acrimonious separation more or less since the beginning. Well, since i found out what he had been up to, before that he strung me along a bit! I have a solicitor and as a full time student i get support with this. I am pretty sure he will not agree to the child contact arrangements that i plan to set out in the divorce papers which will be what we currently have in place now. Does anyone know what will happen if he doesnt agree to this with him not having a solicitor?

Thanks
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
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Divorce?
Posted: 5/22/2012 8:39:30 AM
Msg 7

Did you still have to pay the £350 with public assistance?
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
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Posted: 5/22/2012 8:51:53 AM
As much as they would have you believe it is true, it very rarely is. I know from experience with my ex and his first wife it basically comes down to a mutual agreement. At the moment contact has pretty much remained the same for the 18 months we have separated with contact being dropped on occasion by my ex. He has been vocal since the split that he wants my daughter to stay overnight but for various justified reasons i have not agreed and he hasnt taken it further. I imagine even if he wanted to argue our current arrangement he wouldnt pay for representation to do so, and as the police have been involved and social services alerted of his behaviour he would have a long drawn out process on his hands.

Its taken me a while to get to the point where i feel ready to initiate a divorce and i just want it to be as quick and painless as possible!
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
Msg: 5
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Posted: 5/22/2012 11:02:15 AM
Someone elsewhere suggested i dont petition on grounds of adultery but for unreasonable behaviour instead. In terms of 'evidence' i have several phone bills showing how much he made contact with her in the run up to him leaving - including christmas day - but thats all. I have no idea whether he will agree to adultery or not as i'm not 100% sure the affair was sexual (99.9% sure though!!). As a full time student i presume i get full legal aid, as i have been with my solicitor 18 months now and never been billed. Will legal aid cover all the divorce costs?
I have already gone through the CSA for maintenance and get a measly amount due to him not declaring his cash in hand jobs. Would it be possible to make an agreement through the divorce that he contributes to school costs on top of CSA?

Thanks
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
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Posted: 5/22/2012 11:14:40 AM
In terms of presenting evidence if the ex argues the grounds i am not 100% sure as i lack evidence - didnt walk in on them or find anything etc. For all other intents and purposes i am confident they had a sexual affair and he has admitted such to me in the past. I don't know if he will admit to this or not in terms of the divorce which is why i have been advised to site unreasonable behaviour based on his adultery.

This is all new to me and given my age, not a common problem amongst my friends. I just want it done as quickly and painlessly as possible.
 zonked123
Joined: 3/25/2012
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Posted: 5/22/2012 12:41:59 PM

He has been vocal since the split that he wants my daughter to stay overnight


He wants his kid to stay over some nights and your saying no? Am sure you could make it a 'long drawn out process' if you put your mind to it but unless there are real child welfare reasons to prevent it, he will eventually get a contact order. By which time any hope of a maintaing a working relationship between you both would have turned to dust and your kid will be caught in the middle of two waring parents.

My advice would be to offer sensible contact proposals now.
 zonked123
Joined: 3/25/2012
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Posted: 5/22/2012 1:09:51 PM
Why not try the family mediation service? Maybe work together on a parenting plan, something that allows him the prospect of parenting his dtr in the future and gives you the peace of mind you need. If you start developing a good working relationship who knows, maybe he would gladly pay over and above the odds as well?
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
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Posted: 5/22/2012 1:17:14 PM
Msg 16

There are genuine reasons why contact hasnt progressed and my daughters welfare is at the centre of those. My ex has been advised on many occasions on how contact can progress and has consistently ignored and advice given (by solicitor, not me - and contrary to his beliefs my solicitor isnt as one sided as he'd like to believe). We dont have, and havent had a working relationship for the past 18 months. It has taken a very long time for my daughter to adjust to her new situation and gain some of her confidence back and i strive to keep her away from any disagreements. The same cant be said for her father.

Msg 17

I waited so long because i struggled to accept it. Not because i was pining for him, but because i was embarrassed with my situation. Also, i couldnt get divorced straight away as you have to be married a year before you can file for divorce and although we had been together 7 years when he left, we had only been married 8 months.

Msg 18

You hit the nail on the head. My ex works cash in hand at least 2 nights a week for up to £80 a night. I have taken it through the CSA and get maintenance based on his 'legal' job which doesnt cover much at all as he has another child with another woman. I have been with my solicitor more or less since the split but we havent necessarily discussed divorce yet as i wasnt ready to accept it (again, more to do with feeling like a failure than pining for him). My solicitor has tried to encourage it but part of the reason i held of was to try and get on amicable terms with my ex to make it easier. This is clearly not happening!!

I have an appointment with my solicitor tomorrow wich will clear things up! I just wanted to be semi prepared before i go! Lol
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
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Posted: 5/22/2012 1:20:58 PM
Zonked, I would love to try this, but we already did and it didnt work. The mediator even said the impression she was given was that the ex was going through the motions for appearances sake only and didnt intend to act on anything, which is exactly what he has done so far! As previously stated my solicitor has tried to advise my ex on how contact may progress including things as simple as providing the address where my daughter will be staying which has been refused. And as for paying, he refuses to even buy my daughter a hat when he took her out on a picnic which meant he returned her with a 42 degree temperature and heat exhaustion for which he didnt seek medical attention. Even if he had 50% access he wouldnt pay more towards her.
 zonked123
Joined: 3/25/2012
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Posted: 5/22/2012 1:37:30 PM
quote]There are genuine reasons why contact hasnt progressed and my daughters welfare is at the centre of those. My ex has been advised on many occasions on how contact can progress and has consistently ignored and advice given (by solicitor, not me - and contrary to his beliefs my solicitor isnt as one sided as he'd like to believe). We dont have, and havent had a working relationship for the past 18 months. It has taken a very long time for my daughter to adjust to her new situation and gain some of her confidence back and i strive to keep her away from any disagreements. The same cant be said for her father.

The fact is that your ex does not have a legal duty to tell you where his dtr is during his parenting time, likewise you don't need to inform him of where your taking her. It would be nice if you both would, but there you go. If your ex is not looking after his dtr properly that's terrible, but is it possible he's on a learning curve? If he is never given the opportunity to build his experience/confidence how will things ever progress?
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
Msg: 12
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Posted: 5/22/2012 1:53:59 PM
I'd like to think there was a learning curve involved to explain his behaviour but he has a 9 year old from a previous relationship and lives with his girlfriends 7 and 11 year old sons.

Its hard to try and explain the situation without getting into personal details and i can understand its easy for you to assume i am one of those women that try and make things difficult at every opportunity. Whilst i admit i havent always handled things perfectly, i have taken every avenue available to me to make sure i am doing the right thing. I have sought advice from numerous different people, been to counselling and all round tried to do the best for my child. Watching her struggle when her dad left was heartbreaking and i tried everything to help her. I let him spend time with her in my home after we separated knowing he was taking things without my permission whilst he was there (MY things, not his), took her to see his parents after his mother had an operation and he didnt bother taking her, even though his mother has always been very verbal in her opinion of me (not good at all) amongst other things.

In addition to this, my daughter begs him to spend one on one time with her which he repeatedly refuses. I acknowledge he has a new family and new responsibilities but it isnt much to ask him to spend a couple of hours a month with his youngest given that the other children arent always there when she is.

I really appreciate your opinions, but to all those involved it just appears the ex is going through the motions because his girlfriend has children. There doesnt seem to be any genuine interest in my child.
 joanne85
Joined: 1/6/2011
Msg: 13
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Posted: 5/23/2012 6:25:37 AM
A great big thanks to everyone who took the time to reply!

I've been to my solicitor and got the ball rolling so to speak and actually feel quite good about it. My solicitor is going to write to the ex requesting a divorce on the grounds of the ex's adultery post separation and see if he agree's. If he does then he's going to start the process, if not we'll re-address the grounds. I still anticipate problems at some point but i'm glad i made the decision to go forward with it and very grateful for your words. I felt much better prepared than before!!
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