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 fall-blossom
Joined: 3/22/2012
Msg: 5
rejections after 1st datePage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You can find someone attractive but find them only friendship material.

True. A couple of weeks ago I met a man from a thrash metal band who had his life together and was sweet to look at. During our second meet it occurred to me he wasn't a match. Our personalities were so opposite and I could see us butting heads down the road. When he asked to see me a third time I told him what I felt and he agreed but still wanted to go out....I didn't.

Now...you want a rejection story? I have a bunch, but will focus on one with a man I initiated contact with who was clearly a fitness buff and very handsome (much better looking than me). On our third 'meet' I finally told him I was attracted to him and wanted to be more than just friends 'cause it seemed there was no romantic interest on his side. He was interested in hanging out with me to talk about health, conspiracy theories, and what I knew about health (like he was miking me for all I know). He looked at me and said angrily, "why is it women get mad when I just want to be friends with them?". Then he added, "If you stay friends with me I can show you exercises to look better so you get the guy you want." Wow...what a nice offer that was. I fought the tears back 'cause that hurt and tore my self esteem apart (okay....I know I am in dire need of toning, but am lazy to work out). Anyhow, we never saw each other again. :P

Attraction mismatch happens often and a person must develop tough skin. I no longer feel rejected when a guy I like doesn't like me back. I say to myself, "Oh, well" and hope to find someone who will see beauty in me that not all others can see. We all have our own unique taste and I can not and do not appeal to everyone.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 6
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 8:56:03 AM
I went out with one man months ago to a mexican restaurant. Ok convo in the car. Ok convo at the restaurant. He was polite the whole time. I wasn't into him, he was not into me. I received the "thank you for the date, let's be friends" bit. I told him that I wasn't feeling it, and friends would be good. Same day he erased me from facebook, and never heard from him again. I wasn't too concerned, and I forgot about him the next day .
 neck romancer
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 8
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 9:02:36 AM
He was most likely not attracted to you either physically, or mentally.. or both.
To be honest he may be saying friends to let you down easy. He may have no intentions of being friends with you either.

:(
Best of luck.
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 9
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 9:07:06 AM
He may like your looks but just didn't feel any sexual interest. It happens. Your best bet is going to be to learn how to not internalize the rejection. IMO, you would be better served to work on your insecurities than to worry about dating.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 10
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 9:11:25 AM
If I say I'd only be interested in being friends, then it's probably because I don't feel any chemistry (this could be a personality type issue, or it could be lack of physical attraction - or something else entirely), but find you interesting and have some shared values and interests.

Very few women I've met with hopes of dating are relationship material, usually because of mismatched values, goals, or interests. Usually, if I am interseted in meeting, I think they are attractive - but of course, nothing is certain until you actually meet and find out if chemistry exists.

Anyway, OP, don't get hung up on concerns over your appearance and attractiveness. It's probably not the reason for his lack of interest, anyway, and it's very counter-productive to think about yourself that way.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 9:15:06 AM
you're letting your insecurities about your looks dominate your thinking. that's a choice you make. you could be more kind to yourself if you wanted to. would you treat a girlfriend this way? if she got back all disappointed from a date, would you tell her the guy probably thought she was ugly?

this was a dating lead that fizzled, as most do. even supermodels have dates that don't work out.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 12
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 9:34:45 AM
OP

Did you send your date a current picture of you before the date? If so, why would your looks be the main issue? If it were he would probably not gone out with you in the first place.

I've gone out with several men and my lack of interest has never been about their looks. I've seen their picture so I'm fine with how they look. When we meet I can tell in about 30 seconds if it's just a no go. However, I try to make the most of the situation, the men are often very interesting and so we have a good chat. Usually they ask me out at the end of the date or send an e-mail asking me out the next day. I explain that I enjoyed my time with them but that there isn't enough of a connection to move forward. Some will say they can see that we have a lot of similar cultural/political interests and can we be 'friends'. I explain that I have a lovely group friends and that I'm not looking to find friends on-line.
 tjl503
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 13
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 10:48:07 AM
Dealing with rejection for the first time sucks, sorry that happened to you. How to deal with it? Just think it's his loss if he's putting you in the friend zone so quickly. Stop thinking about it and put up some pics on here if you want to be taken seriously. Good luck.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 15
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 11:54:32 AM
It's not always about looks.

I met a few handsome men from online dating but they were not for me because of others things.
They were married
They had infant children
They did not have their own place
I did not like their sense of humor
They were overweight or underweight
They dressed badly
They looked much older than they said they were
They drank too much .......... they are broke, unemplyed or in severe debt
They have adult children living with them
Bad attitude
'They smoked pot.................. JUST ONE of those things would set me AWAY
from any man who could have been deemed attractive

Sometimes you don;t know these things until you meet a time or two and when you find out
it has to end.
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 20
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 1:44:29 PM
@fall-blossom

He was obviously quite shallow. I think you are a lovely lady. Shame you are in the wrong part of Canada

As for the OP, I wouldn't worry about it. At least he had the decency to tell you instead of leading you on, sleeping with you once or a couple of times and then breaking it off. And it certainly isn't always about looks. I met a very pretty lady here last year. She is also very sweet and nice to spend time with. But she and I are completely different intellectually and in terms of our interests so I knew there was no long term potential there. Now, I could have slept with her as she is quite physically attractive but I couldn't do that to her. She is really sweet. But on the bright side we remain friends today and still talk and go out together sometimes for dinner or dancing or something fun.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 21
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 1:46:31 PM
If that was your second online date then you should chalk that up to being a glorious victory. You actually met someone who was genuine and honest enough with you to tell you something uncomfortable? That is rather amazing actually. It also suggests that your instincts aren't too far off. It's the ones who always seem to meet up with junkies and serial killers that I worry about. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Don't waste your time playing "what if" games. You cannot win. There are no answers to be had. People are weird, quirky and strange animals. The only limitation to your list of possible things that might have gone wrong is your own imagination. Put all that brain power to better work and keep fishing.

From what little we do know about you, I can tell you that insecurity is a big turn off. A large woman who loves herself is far more attractive than a skinny one full of self-loathing, that is for sure. Nothing you can put in a profile (including pics) is worth much of anything compared to actually meeting a person face to face. This is why I always prefer to meet sooner than later. It's hit and miss and the vast majority of people out there lack the character to even give you as much as your friend gave you already. If you really want an answer, be his friend and maybe one day he'll feel comfortable enough to tell you.


she has this habit of always finding something wrong with her food when we go out...kinda drives me a little nuts. My passiveness and the fact that I will not send something back unless its a total trainwreck drives her nuts.

I know what you mean but not sending your food back to the kitchen isn't "passive", it's intelligent. If someone's meal is that bad that they have to send it back to the kitchen, they better do it while they are heading for the door. Putting whatever comes back into your mouth is about the dumbest thing imaginable. Eating out of dumpsters is wiser than that.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 25
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 3:26:15 PM
"I liked him a lot and I wonder why I'm good enough for being a friend of his, but not good enough for a serious relationship. I also wonder how anyone could tell after just 1 date that you're not relationship material to them. I am always a bit insecure about myself, so this makes me more insecure."

I think this is the most important part of your OP. You have to learn to accept that not everyone you like is going to like you, because that's going to continue to happen. It happens to all of us, noone has everyone they like like them back. I think you're going to be miserable here, this venue requires a lot of mental toughness and thick skin. I think the guy was gracious to at least let you know, many just disappear.

It'd be best for you to do some (or a lot) of work on your insecurity before trying to date. Insecure people usually don't last long around here. Insecurity it something you can overcome, I wish you success with that.
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 27
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 4:09:48 PM
How long had the two of you been in contact before meeting? I think there is definitely a "fantasy/reality" thing going on with online dating along with the anticipation/let-down possibility. The longer you chat and wait to meet, the less likely the person is to match up with that image they've built up online.

I went on a date with someone whose picture didn't match up with what I thought they were going to look like when I saw her in person. We had an awesome conversation, and I hated to be shallow, but the attraction just wasn't there for me. I feel bad about it, and said the 'ol "let's be friends." I think she and I wanted different things, so friends wouldn't have worked out. Sometimes it's just an attempt to let down easy.
 FatBottomGirI
Joined: 6/28/2011
Msg: 29
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 5:55:12 PM
Nothing is wrong with you, it's just not match that is meant to be. At least he was respectful enough to tell you this rather than pulling the cowardly disappearing act so many other people get. Look at my pictures... You see I have both full body shots and closeup face shots. Lol (edit i posted before finishing my thought)

Met this guy and he acts like he had no idea I am a fatty. How could you not know? I have full body shots and face shots. I asked him flat out if he suffered from retardation. Lol wth? These kind of things make me laugh because they are just so ridiculous. I think having no interest in marraige allows me the unique ability to not care so much about that kind of thing.
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 31
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/25/2012 7:13:49 PM

I'm not getting why he would by all signs seem interested, ask you out again- then reject you romantically.
It really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It's not like you guys had a chance to go out again and then he realized a romantic relationship wouldn't work for x reason. One would think he would leave the date with doubts, think it over; then tell you he liked you as a friend. So backwards. Did he have some sort of a Epiphany?


MANY, MANY people will do this. They find that it is easier to avoid a potential scene so they say "I'd love to see you again" at the end of the date and then break the news that they aren't interested later via text or email.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 32
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/26/2012 6:13:04 AM
I met a guy at work, he took me out 4 times, never once tried to kiss me, & had made the comment, twice, that sometimes he's attracted to a ladies personality & will take her out, even of her looks don't suit him. I felt that was directed at me, & it hurt my feelings bad. He turned out to be a jerk anyways, & had the nerve to text me at midnight on a week night, knowing I usually get up at 4:30 to work out. Inconsiderate. I would have been extremely angry if he had woke me up & disturbed my sleep. He didn't ask me out again, when I asked if we were going to see each other he gave me all lies like, I'm visiting family, etc. I think he was a big liar & a player.
Op, it's his loss, try not to dwell on it too much. There will be men that you will reject too. Dating is a numbers game, it's so unusual to really make a connection with the right one. This is easier said than done, but try not to take rejection so personally, don't let it eat away at your innards, or try to figure out why, because you'll never know what he's really thinking. Just forget about him & move on...
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 35
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/26/2012 4:52:26 PM
The friend reference was him just being nice. It's dating slang for blown off & doesn't mean BFF's. The why's to men differ from woman to woman. I wouldn't waste time wondering or get all self conscious over a single date. What's not right for him is just right for another.
 qualityl
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 37
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/26/2012 9:53:02 PM
I just went on a first date. I liked him and 2nd date tomorrow. We had fun and I am just going with the Flow! It's great fun and can make you smile. What else does a woman need!
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 38
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/27/2012 1:07:46 AM
Wanting just to be friends is a polite way to say there was no chemistry. Does not necessarily have to do with your looks. It is a mysterious thing and we can have it with those who are not so attractive looking. He at least did not lead you on for a quickie and then dump you. Men dont really want to be friends when they are on a dating site. Rejection is part of the deal if you meet someone from online and you have to have a tough skin.
Men deal with it all the time. It is early days for you and if you have the guts to continue with cyberspace dating then you will meet all sorts. I hope you take all the precautions such as meeting for half an hour and dutch for coffee in daylight and dont tell them where you live or your full name. Webcam and talk on the phone beforehand and if they dont want to do that, then they could be just players or married or worse.
Always tell someone where you are going and take your own transport.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 39
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/27/2012 9:40:37 AM
Rejection isn't always because of looks. Perhaps it was due to differences in lifestyle or beliefs. Or it was due to certain personality / behavior traits. For example, there were attractive women that I lost interest in because they were too demanding / hard to please. Yes it is possible for some people to become friends with they enjoyed hanging with on a date. But there wasn't enough romantic interest for a possible relationship.
 lobo65
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 40
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/27/2012 10:13:21 AM
We men get rejected quite often after first dates too. I've gotten a lot of the "you're a nice guy but" emails the next day. I'm a shy guy, which I admit, so I sometimes talk a little too much on first dates due to nervousness. I am always much calmer the longer I see someone, but some women often don't want to progress past the initial meeting. Oh well.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 41
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/27/2012 10:13:46 AM
it doesnt mean anything. could be attraction, personality; could be a lot of things. I'd move on and not worry about it.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 46
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/27/2012 6:27:50 PM
Currently I work with someone who most women would drop their draws for. He is a really, really good looking man, good sense of humor etc., BUT I would not date him...I just dont feel the chemistry at all. So its not always about looks - be it good looking or ugly..its about chemistry between two people.

Dont feel bad..it happens... maybe your next date will work out.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 48
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rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/27/2012 9:18:16 PM
I can see if I would want to be in a relationship with a man or just friends or nothing sometimes just by reading his profile or reply and always after meeting. I do have male platonic friends. There are some guys I would just want to be friends with and nothing more, and there are extremely rare, guys who I would want a real relationship with and many guys, that I would NOT want anything with.
In answering your question, friends is better than nothing. It as indicates the person likes you but is not attracted to you except as being friends.
I never get told why I never hear from guys again.
 NotyouraverageD
Joined: 5/15/2012
Msg: 49
rejections after 1st date
Posted: 5/28/2012 6:10:00 AM
Ah yes the 'friendzone.' It happened to me recently.
I met a woman, found her attractive, but what she said, talked about and was interested in, made me really want to get to know her better. And so I introduced myself and we seemed to fold together when we were near each other. I felt the attraction was strong and I believed it was mutual - but we lived about 98 miles apart.
On that first day (we met at an event) we agreed to keep in touch with a vague notion to see each other sometime.
Two days later, she invited me out the following weekend. I could scarcely believe my luck. I made the drive to her happily and we had a terrific first date. We are both interested in unusual things - finding someone who shared these interests seemed like a million to one odds - but here we were.
As we were reluctantly parting ways, she said she would call me 'tomorrow' and I thought that would be the greatest thing in the world.
I drove home thinking 'this is how it happens' you meet someone you really want to be with, who really wants to be with you. And just so you know I'm not unrealistic... while this woman is the most beautiful thing in the world to me, I would never try to tell anyone she was a '10' or even a classic beauty - just beautiful to me. I truthfully can't really explain it.
I'm sure you can all guess where this is going - she never called the next day - instead she sent me a message saying she would be too busy all day and would call me 'soon.'
I think 'no worries' nothing's changed, right? But sadly, from this point on, everything between us had changed. When I asked her about it, she said the deadly:
"I'm not interested in a relationship right now, I just want to be friends."
This was beyond unacceptable to me but I didn't know what to do. One thing I did do was make my feelings quite clear, which I'm happy I did - I thought surely it would lead to no future misunderstandings - again, I was wrong.
The following week, she asked me out again, and so again I made the two hour drive and had a great time with her, but at the end of the night she was very standoffish, if you get my drift.
This hurt, a lot. I also thought it defied reason - I mean what platonic friend would drive two hours each way for dinner and a movie? Did it even make sense to think anyone would do that?
I still think of her a lot and this is a fresh and stings badly still.
So, here I am on POF trying to make sense of things.
But my advice is this:
If someone you 'like' wants to put you into the friendzone - say 'no.' If someone values you enough to want your companionship, company and everything else you have to offer - a relationship is not too much to ask in return. In fact, it's a very reasonable thing to ask in return...
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