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 sweetlonelyheart
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 1
Mixed SignalsPage 1 of 1    
Any insight I could get for this situation would be appreciated....I met someone local.. we have a whole lot in common and really hit it off. I am not really that invested yet with this person but he has all of the qualities so far that I am looking for. After a few weeks he mentioned that he wants to date exclusively.

So we are supposed to get together this weekend and he called last night. He sounded totally different. Previously he couldnt wait to talk to me and "cannot wait to see me". He had a different tone of voice when we spoke and said that he wasnt feeling well due to allergies, and had gotten out of his usual routine; he said that he was laying down and didnt have a whole lot to say other than when to meet. He then told me that he "feels like he has to have all this energy/be full of energy when he is around me". I felt like someone just took the wind right out of my sails and am not sure how to respond/understand this. Esp on the date on Saturday.. I mean is it that much "work" to be with me? Maybe I should just give him the benefit of the doubt that he isnt feeling well? (I have allergies too btw and I even asked him if he wanted to postpone getting together if he is not feeling well and he declined stating he wants to see me)

The interesting thing is that he is still surfing dating sites.. and was on one that same night very late!! (I thought he was tired and didnt feel well.. or was that "guy speak" for I dont feel like talking to you I am chatting with someone else) Guys, I am just curious as to why that is.. I have also noticed small things like after spending a Saturday/Sat night with him and he is all into me that evening....it then seems he is in a hurry for me to leave the next morning (Sunday)... it just doesn't seem to make any sense.. I mean there is no real passionate goodbye kiss .. just a quick peck on the cheek type of thing.

If someone is "that" into you and "you are all that they think about", What changed? I suppose the words and the behavior are 2 different things. I think I am pretty flexible and easy going...I dont mind at this stage at him seeing others...but then why mention exclusivity? If someone mentions they want to date you exclusively and then appears on dating sites..is this appropriate? I am confused and wondering how to handle this? Am I reading something wrong or are my expectations possibly different than his?
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 2
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Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 5:29:12 AM
You just met this guy, if you think he's flaky then why do you want to waste your time with him? If he's still on dating sites you couldn't know that unless YOU WERE TOO! I can't understand how you don't see that as hypocritical. It's okay for you to be on dating sites yet you wonder why he would? Think about it, I'm not trying to be critical, just to get you to think about it because your way of looking at things is screwed up IMO. You're cyberstalking this poor dude because he canceled a date? Wow, that's just unacceptable.

From what you posted I would tend to say that your behavior is off....way off. When someone says those mushy things to me that I've just met, I wonder if they're desperate or just want to screw with my head. Really, it's way too overanxious IMO and makes me want to run for the hills.

You're overthinking this, noone's always in the same mood, so they can sound different. You're reading too much into it and I bet if he read this post you'd never hear from him again. Seriously, please take a look at your own behavior. You'll need to fix it before you have a chance of finding a good man to date.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 5:51:31 AM
but then why mention exclusivity?

Let me take a *wild* guess..... you said you wouldn't have sex with him unless you were exclusive.


If someone mentions they want to date you exclusively and then appears on dating sites..is this appropriate?

Is it appropriate that you can openly discuss being exclusive with a man but somehow you can't have a conversation with him about why he's still trolling dating sites and sending lots of mixed signals? And is it appropriate that you would discuss exclusivity with someone you haven't known for very long? Last but not least, is it appropriate that you're asking whether it's appropriate to approach being exclusive directly and with all deliberate speed while pretending a variety mixed signals deserve the benefit of your doubt?

If you only reach for those easy conversations, expect bullshit to invite itself to the party. "Things left unsaid".



Maybe I should just give him the benefit of the doubt

Maybe you should wake up & smell the coffee, recognize that the game he is playing has very different rules than the game you are playing. You can't even recognize when you're being used. Tell me have you lived a very sheltered existence these 48 years? There's a vast gulf between giving somebody the benefit of the doubt and not putting 2 & 2 together. JUST SAYIN.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 4
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Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 5:56:02 AM
Sounds to me like he is a numbers player....
met lots of women giving them all the same and
he got a yes from someone else.

He is a nutjob it seems... say goodbye and forget him. Avoid him if he comes back around.
He is nothing but trouble to your life.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 6:13:34 AM
I have also noticed small things like after spending a Saturday/Sat night with him and he is all into me that evening....it then seems he is in a hurry for me to leave the next morning (Sunday)... it just doesn't seem to make any sense.. I mean there is no real passionate goodbye kiss .. just a quick peck on the cheek type of thing.

Clearly the very common "hit it and quit it" syndrome we hear so much about on here from some naive women the day/week after...
 sweetlonelyheart
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 6
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 6:48:41 AM
you said you wouldn't have sex with him unless you were exclusive.


He brought up exclusivity, and it was only a few days ago...I have not told him that I would not have sex with him unless we were exclusive.. things have progressed sort of fast--there is a lot of chemistry and potential.. I thought. And by the way who wants a disease? I really dont want to be with a man that beds everything in town, however I did not mention this.

You're cyberstalking this poor dude because he canceled a date? Wow, that's just unacceptable

He did not cancel the date.. I asked him if he wanted to cancel if he was not feeling well and he still wanted to meet. The dating sites I am on right now are for dating forums such as this and my profiles are hidden from search...

Maybe I am way overthinking this...
 Broomhilda_the_Nun
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 7
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 7:01:53 AM
I have not told him that I would not have sex with him unless we were exclusive.. things have progressed sort of fast--there is a lot of chemistry and potential.. I thought. And by the way who wants a disease? I really dont want to be with a man that beds everything in town, however I did not mention this.


Keep in mind -- much of what we know about another person doesn't come from their own self-description but from our observations. It's possible to discern a person's viewpoints about sex and relationships without direct discussion.

He could very well be able to read you better than you're reading him.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Why not? I mean, if he was on dating sites while not feeling well, maybe he was lying in his sick bed and pecking with one pitiful little finger at the keyboard for amusement.... and at least he wasn't on actual dates, unless he had her in one room while he logged on in another...

re: the exclusivity: was it mentioned in passing or did you respond/agree?
re: the next-morning peck on the cheek: does this represent a change in behavior from previously? Some people just don't do well with morning-afters and if so it wouldn't be personal against you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 7:35:43 AM
I actually don't see you as "overthinking" this, more like "mis-thinking" this.

I know I'm confused, just reading what you've said, as to whether you have or haven't had sex. "spending a Saturday/Sat night with him and he is all into me that evening," sure SOUNDS like sex, but you say in a later post "And by the way who wants a disease? I really dont want to be with a man that beds everything in town, however I did not mention this ", which sounds as though sex hasn't occurred yet. My assumption for the moment, is that you HAVE had sex, and chose not to tell him how you actually feel about that for some reason.

As to the various things you mention about his behavior...

--peck on the cheek after a night of apparently passionate sex: either he has horrid morning breath and knows it, or you do, or the passion was one sided. Just my thinking, there are personalities that have that behavior due to other odd reasons, such as rare personality quirks, or what I think of as "British Butler Syndrome Cultural Habits."

--suffering from allergies and being at low ebb in a single phone call, relatively meaningless. Saying he feels has to be full of energy to be around you, can indicate either that he thinks you demand it of him, or that he has an unresolved element within himself, such that he believes that he has to be that way around ANYONE he dates. That would be a negative sign to me, not having to do with you doing anything wrong, but with him having an immature, adversarial/gaming attitude about dating. However:

As for the low ebb, possibly depressed aspect of suffering allergies or illness, that is common to lots of us, and it could be that the depressed statement included in that conversation, was more an expression of how depressed he was in general, than that he deeply believes what he said.

--"If someone is "that" into you and "you are all that they think about", What changed?".... Simple: the drugs wore off. Nothing in the REAL world changed, it's just that the low following the "in lust" rush of brain chemicals is always a discouraging downer. Lots of relationships founder at that moment, because people realize that all that happened while they were under the influence of the "in love" brain chemistry, is suspect, and they panic. The only way past it, is to keep going, and find out what reality actually consists of. Also, you have to allow that nothing said during the "rush" was meaningful in any long term sense, and be able to cheerfully take that in stride. Note: the exclusivity talk on his part, might well have been among the things you need to forgive and forget as being "drugged" chat/wishful thinking.

--that he is still surfing dating sites is none of your business, until AFTER you both agree not to. You say he mentioned wanting to date exclusively, but you didn't say you accepted formally, and that you are now working under that agreement.

All in all, this sounds like a "time for a do-over" situation. Realize that what's happened really wasn't meaningful going forward, and start over. Decide for yourself what you want from the relationship, and figure out from him, what he wants, and then set a course that you both agree to.
 Blackout478
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 9
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 7:42:02 AM
Okay he said he has allergies and is not feeling good what else is there to discuss. He still wants the date to happen and says he can't wait to see you. You should like you would be needy and very annoying to date. You can be on dating sites, but he can't? wtf. you guys are not exclusive yet and haven't even met.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 10
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 7:42:18 AM

He then told me that he "feels like he has to have all this energy/be full of energy when he is around me".


I wonder if he’s being his real self around you, or if he feels that he can. It’s a new relationship, he’s infatuated and the terms of exclusivity came quite quickly. Maybe he feels he has to be “on” all the time?

Sometimes ‘exclusivity doesn’t mean long-term commitment. It just means ‘we’re seeing only each other til we see where these giddy feelings lead. And having sex.’


he is still surfing dating sites.. and was on one that same night very late!! (I thought he was tired and didnt feel well.. or was that "guy speak" for I dont feel like talking to you I am chatting with someone else)

You don’t have to feel well or commit much energy to sit around in your PJ’s and surf dating sites, or even to chat a bit if he was in fact doing that.
 Blackout478
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 11
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 7:42:28 AM
Okay he said he has allergies and is not feeling good what else is there to discuss. He still wants the date to happen and says he can't wait to see you. You should like you would be needy and very annoying to date. You can be on dating sites, but he can't? wtf. you guys are not exclusive yet and haven't even met.
 sweetlonelyheart
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 12
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/26/2012 8:10:45 AM
Thanks igorfrankensteen for the thoughtful response... (and the others as well) I think what you said about the "chemicals" is actually what is/has happened.. as obviously when you both feel like that you are both "drugged" in a sense so I can see I need to just chill and get my bearings from that. I obviously have a lot to learn yet about this dating thing and it took a lot of courage on my part to ask for help here.. so thanks

I have had sex with him and I have mentioned to him that I was disease free as I just so happened to have had a full physical recently.. and yes I mentioned that this was important... as for the low ebb.. yes I can totally relate and actually feel for him as I suffer from allergies as well.. austin, tx while being the music capital of the world is also the allergy capital of the world lol! I dont think I "demand" anything of him, including his energy thus offered to cancel or do something low key.


You can be on dating sites, but he can't? wtf. you guys are not exclusive yet and haven't even met


for the record.. we HAVE met.. obviously.. and you have posted this twice as if you are on twitter or something. I dont care if he is on dating sites or not .....really.. the issue was the mixed signals of him wanting to be exclusive..and it is actually a question asked on another dating site as to how you would feel about that.. that is dating someone and after a month they are still active on dating sites. He mentioned it (exclusivity) and I agreed, but I can see how I may have saw it or interpreted it different.. and you are right.. it is NONE of my business or visa versa for that matter until you agree.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 13
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/27/2012 11:04:36 AM
funny how this poor angel is so exhausted to be around you and his poor allergies has him on deaths door, but he sure isn't too tired to surf other sites.

Lets be real. He's a wimp and he won't confront you, but he is not interested in you. It's not confusing at all. Forget what he says.

And you just met him. I mean would you rather have him throw you down in bed. I'm really not getting some people. If some of these guys go for sex then they are dogs. If they just give a peck on the cheek then they are jerks. I'm not getting it.

FORGET WHAT HE SAYS! PLEASE; why do women constantly listen to what a guy says. When his words dont' equal his actions, YOU LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS ONLY! If you do this you will NEVER make a mistake with men.

This isn't confusing at all. he's not into you, but he doesn't have the guts to tell you. You are into him so you refuse to look at his actions and will only listen to his words.

I'd bolt yesterday. Yes you are reading something wrong like most women do.

you are listening to his words when you should be looking at his actions.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 14
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/27/2012 11:34:37 AM
He is playing with your emotions! Do I need to continue?

I've been with men like this and foolishly stayed on "just in case I got it wrong" ..they never change, in fact they get worse -Im sorry to say. Dump him now ..he will be back but will continue his antics - you will not change a leopard etc.,
 originalNw
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 15
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Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/27/2012 9:06:41 PM
You know the answers to your own questions! Why ask anyone ? Are you still unsure about your own feelings. And If he still surfing for dates/meetings ..you would already know what he is doing ! Trust in your inner/gut feelings about this peson ! Have doubts about them ..try talking to a close friend that you trust !
 sweetlonelyheart
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 16
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/30/2012 11:37:41 AM
So I suppose I should rephrase this question:

Would you be exclusive with someone who wants to keep online profile active?

He is the one that has brought up exclusivity yet again!. I know this is NOT a new question in the online dating world.
 Lks2bhappy
Joined: 5/16/2012
Msg: 17
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/30/2012 12:11:12 PM
You should forget him if he is giving you grief now imagine how it will be in the future. He may be dating a few woman sounds like a player. If a guy asks to be exclusive to fast or says he loves you within a few weeks run for the hills the person has some type of issues. Often players do that to tie a woman down so she would agree to have sex with them. Its an old trick say I love you and woman jumps in the sack
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 18
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Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/30/2012 12:25:14 PM
Mixed Signals = He's NOT into you

No creature on God's green Earth is as easy to read as a man who really IS into a woman. If you're confused, you already have your answer.

He hit it and quit it. He read you correctly, figured out that you wouldn't have sex without exclusivity, so he TOLD you what you wanted to hear, got what he wanted, and game over.
 SONNI100
Joined: 12/24/2010
Msg: 19
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/30/2012 12:47:57 PM
Bounce before it really stings..
 taters51
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 20
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/30/2012 6:22:20 PM

Sounds to me like he is a numbers player....
met lots of women giving them all the same and
he got a yes from someone else.

He is a nutjob it seems... say goodbye and forget him. Avoid him if he comes back around.
He is nothing but trouble to your life.

@holycowwow
I was reading your post in the "cant date you because you date around" thread and you jumped all over the male OP for taking the position of not dating someone that plays the numbers. Now you change you stance here because this is a female. You really shouldn't be taking different positions based on gender. You should make up your mind as to what your position is or your character will be questionable and your post will carry no valid credibility. Maybe you have an underlying problem with men and need to get some help?
 sweetlonelyheart
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 21
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/31/2012 3:29:46 PM

He hit it and quit it


Yeah.. in a way..more like Cake and eat it too as well....I get it....but as a matter of fact he still wants to see me and has brought up the exclusivity thing again and that "it would hurt him to think I was with someone else". He says he is a "one at a time" person... (mmmmmm really??)

I have done some searching and am finding that this issue (that is I want to date you exclusively yet be active on dating sites) is literally ALL over the internet! hey if a guy just wants an FWB friend with benefits.. why cant they just say so.. don't string someone down the merry path and toy with people's emotions.. that stuff hurts..esp if you think you really had/have a lot in common....(in my case--well and apparently others.. he is the one that initiated the "I want to be exclusive talk").. but I suppose some people are displaying this behavior as they want the "for sure thing around", while continuing to look.. same thing you do with a job.. keep current job while looking for another "better" one...all the while cannot tell your boss until you have found something else.

I guess just like the job thing.. the grass always looks greener.. until you get on that side of the fence and realize that you are going to have to mow it same as you did the other one.

Well.. I appreciate all of the input here so much..
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 22
Mixed Signals
Posted: 5/31/2012 5:08:36 PM

No creature on God's green Earth is as easy to read as a man who really IS into a woman. If you're confused, you already have your answer.

Precisely!
However, a bit of indecision doesn't make the man ALL bad. I'm not going to analyze your situation to death or make accusations about "hit&quit" "cake; having, eating" etc. I see no reason to stop seeing him but I would definitely make a mental note about him wanting exclusivity yet still cruising the dating sites( I'm presuming that if HE were a forum participant on said sites, you would have mentioned it)

Yes, he could be leading up to dumping you, or he could indeed be quite physically miserable from allergies...

I'm not going to tell you anything other than to proceed with a degree of caution-for the most part I agree with the quote above but I would not go so far as say that this is an irrefutable fact cast in stone.
Cindy O
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