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 taters51
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 1
what does exclusive mean?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I get the feeling after reading all of the multidating threads that there is a different definition for what exclusive is and for what a relationship is to the multidater vs the one at a time dater. To the multidater the terms exclusive and relationship are interchangeable and equal sex. To the one at a time dater exclusive is by default once dating begins and this does not include first meets as those are just meetings to see if you might want to date. Once dating is agreed to it is exclusive were neither person will date anyone else and sex is not even expected at this point. That would be the definition of exclusive to the one at a time dater. The definition of a relationship to the one at a time dater would equal sex if the exclusive dating would make it to that point.

Please chime in on both sides as to how you define the terms exclusive and relationship and which one equals sex if at all.
 taters51
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 2
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:06:51 PM
Well with all the delete votes this is getting I am beginning to wonder if this might be redundant and yes I did do a search but didn't get the answer I was looking for or if some may think it will take the wind out of their sails if exclusive actually gets defined.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 3
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:16:09 PM
Why all the puzzling, OP?
Exclusive simply means "just you and I".
Whether there is sex going on.. or what type of dating they're doing.. or anything else.. is up to the 2 people involved in the "just you and I".
 playfulpete
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 4
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:19:58 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^what he said^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 5
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:23:26 PM
Exclusive is something that is discussed between the 2 of you.

There are umpteen threads on here where the couple did not have the exclusivity talk, and wondered why their partner was:

1. Still on this site
2. Still dating others
3. Not calling/emailing
 taters51
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 6
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:27:29 PM
It just seems to me that the term means sex to the multidater or at least that is what is insinuated or honestly believed and is used as an excuse to stay out of an exclusive dating arrangement or the term is misinterpreted as a means for sex to use as an argument against dating 1 at a time. I am trying to clarify that in my mind because that is not what exclusive means to me.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 7
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:46:45 PM
Exclusive means you date one person exclusively. It doesn't imply a relationship.

To the multidater the terms exclusive and relationship are interchangeable and equal sex.

Since dating implies sex, the difference between dating exclusively and multidating is the number of people with whom you should assume the person you're dating is having sex.

Please chime in on both sides as to how you define the terms exclusive and relationship and which one equals sex if at all.

Since people do not go on many dates before having sex, you should just assume that if you're dating someone who multidates, that the person you're dating is sleeping with those he/she is dating, even if you aren't. You are only entitled to object if you have agreed to date exclusively.
 neck romancer
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 8
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History
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:48:12 PM
I honestly cant wrap my head around what you did here.

Exclusive means you stay with the same person. Thats it.
 d2327h
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 9
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:49:19 PM
I'm glad you started the thread because if there is another one, I haven't seen it or it was camoflaged with an unrelated title.

Without even getting in to the sexual part of a relationship, I have been approached by some who stated that they only dated one person at a time and suggested that's what they prefer. I've also been told that going out with more than one person is consider "player" behavior.

I'm kind of concerned with all of this exclusivity stuff because I'm not about to commit to someone I barely know. A couple dates, talking on the phone? He sees me on POF and suddenly I'm a player or cheating?

Where's my ring? Where's my "I love you?" Um...this is all backwards! lol

If some can do the exclusive, committed thing from the 2nd date, that's great. But personally, I still don't know very much about that person and simply can't devote everything to just them. That takes time and building of trust.
 tuxqueot
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 10
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:49:51 PM

Once dating is agreed to it is exclusive were neither person will date anyone else and sex is not even expected at this point.


there it is for me. Once we decided during the first meet/date there was something there worth exploring and we would be seeing each other again, I told her I was taking my profile offline. Told her she didn't have to, but she did. Even though we've had 4 dates so far and sex isn't even a topic on the table (neither of us in any hurry), we're both exclusive to each other.
 taters51
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 11
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 3:58:28 PM

Since dating implies sex, the difference between dating exclusively and multidating is the number of people with whom you should assume the person you're dating is having sex.

I agree with this but always see the multidaters claim that they don't have sex with the people they date and use the term exclusive as an argument so that must mean the term exclusive means sex to the multidater and it is confusing.
 d2327h
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 12
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 4:01:36 PM
Tux wrote:
"there it is for me. Once we decided during the first meet/date there was something there worth exploring and we would be seeing each other again, I told her I was taking my profile offline. Told her she didn't have to, but she did. Even though we've had 4 dates so far and sex isn't even a topic on the table (neither of us in any hurry), we're both exclusive to each other."


Not to question or criticize what the two of you have chosen to do, especially if it works for the both of you, but is this really expected of people so early in getting to know someone? I'm trying to figure out how this works because either I'm not understanding it or I'm just not used to it.

After 4 dates and being "exclusive", do you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend?

Maybe I'm confusing exclusive and committed. Both sound very similar and for me, both take some time to get to that point. I hope you don't mind me using your example but since you gave it, I thought I'd use it. I wish you both the best of luck!

P.S. Exclusive and sex are not one and the same for me.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 5:24:21 PM
I agree with this but always see the multidaters claim that they don't have sex with the people they date

What they claim doesn't matter. What matters is that you can't know they aren't and if you care, you have to assume they are.

After 4 dates and being "exclusive", do you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend?

Why would dating exclusively imply a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Dating someone exclusively means you aren't dating/sleeping with anyone else. A relationship is a different concept.
 Triumph800rider
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 14
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History
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 6:26:57 PM
"Exclusive" means that you are in a "relationship" and have both agreed not to date others. I don't think sex comes into the equation as there are many couples who will not have sex until they have been a relationship for a certain length of time. There are still people who wait until marriage. I do think that a couple needs to have "the talk" and decide that they are going to be exclusive. Assuming you are in an exclusive relationship without talking about it leads to all kinds of problems.

Multidaters are just people who see several people at a time but are not exclusive. Actually, I think this is healthier in the early stages of a relationship. Guys who, after a couple of dates, often end up showering too much attention on a woman which makes her uncomfortable. This creeps her out. I think men can't help this behavior and the only way out of it is to date more than one person and wait until they have been seeing somebody for a while before becoming exclusive. Women say that don't like this but their actions indicate otherwise. Expecting a man to be exclusive real early on but not call, text, send gifts or otherwise focus too much attention on her is unrealistic. Men are goal oriented. We often resort to well intentioned but utlimately doomed efforts to win a woman's heart too soon.

As far as sex goes, that is up to each individual and couple. Some people are comfortable having sex after a few dates. Others aren't. Regardless, if a woman is only comfortable having sex with a man if they are in an exclusive relationship she needs to state this early on.
 taters51
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 15
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 7:04:21 PM

"Exclusive" means that you are in a "relationship"


This is the type of word play that I am talking about. This is coming from an admitted multidater and the definitions of exclusive and relationship mean the same thing to the multidater but they mean two different things to the one at a time dater and is a cause of confusion that enables or helps to enable an argument. The word exclusive being interchangeable with the word relationship from the multidater makes no logical sense to me because they absolutely do not mean the same thing.
 neck romancer
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 16
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History
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 7:15:25 PM
why are you over thinking this?
Exclusive means you are with one person. Sex is a separate subject.

A multi dater dates more than one person and can choose to have sex with all of them or not at all.

A person who only dates one person at a time is exclusive.

A relationship can be defined many ways.. and maybe this is what you are getting stuck on? But I honestly cant tell what you are tripping over.

What does Exclusive and Relationship mean to YOU? Cause generally speaking people use them interchangeable.. single daters and multidaters. People generally say "exclusive relationship" Saying them separately is just short hand.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 17
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 7:26:35 PM

This is the type of word play that I am talking about. This is coming from an admitted multidater and the definitions of exclusive and relationship mean the same thing to the multidater but they mean two different things to the one at a time dater and is a cause of confusion that enables or helps to enable an argument.


I wonder why two people with two different approaches to dating would think it's a good idea to endure the turmoil of going out?
 taters51
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 18
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 7:35:58 PM
why are you over thinking this?
Exclusive means you are with one person. Sex is a separate subject.

A multi dater dates more than one person and can choose to have sex with all of them or not at all.

A person who only dates one person at a time is exclusive.

A relationship can be defined many ways..

Thank you, someone finally answered my question.
Now I don't have to continue thinking about it.
 originalNw
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 19
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History
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 7:45:42 PM
With my simple basic Knowledge...And decades of listening to "other's trying to rewrite words of the meaning"...I'm saying this:
EXCLUSIVE...means no other person. Means no one else ! However many fail to understand that also means " no casual sex " !
And I have heard many described " As The Only one who will be sharing my interests"..and then in a few words more farther on in the letter..having casual sex with no meaning.

I maybe a slightly "old Fashion " ..But exclusive means commitment toward the person your telling it to! Many explain that " that's not correct in All relationships "..trying to leave a escape clause in their verbal contract . You may look up the word on line..and see what others beleive the " WORD " means ? I said my thoughts and I'll wait for the storm as always to happen !
 tuxqueot
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 20
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 8:32:45 PM

After 4 dates and being "exclusive", do you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend?


Well, neither of us feel the need to define it yet. For all intents and purposes, yeah, she's my girlfriend. But we both feel it isn't fair to another human to be dating more than one person and then at some point have to tell one or more of them that you are ending it because you found someone "better". We are avoiding the "grass is always greener" scenario.

It's a new relationship. We're both giving it our full and undivided attention. If it works out, great, if it doesn't at least we will both know it wasn't because one of us was inferior in some way to someone else the other of us was dating at the same time. This is hard enough with out adding that kind of fear to the equation.

I've posted these before on other threads but they apply here. 2 quotes:
Johnny Depp "if you fall in love with 2 people, choose the 2nd. If you were truly in love with the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the 2nd"
Albert Einstein "If a man can drive a car while kissing a pretty girl, he isn't giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

I refuse to put myself in the situation of having to choose and prefer not to be one where the choice has to be made. And we are both giving this relationship the attention it deserves.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 21
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 9:00:20 PM
‘Exclusive’ is another word like ‘committed’ – it doesn’t take on precise meaning until we specify what we’re excluding or what we’re committing to.


It just seems to me that the term means sex to the multidater …and is used as an excuse to stay out of an exclusive dating arrangement


In that example, partners agree to exclude sex with others but don’t exclude dating them – typical of a monogamous FWB or FB arrangement where parties agree it’s OK to search for a more deeply committed relationship. So the sex is exclusive but the dating is not.

In another example, if two people meet at a swingers club and start crushing on each other, they might commit to dating each other exclusively, while continuing to enjoy others at the club. In that case the dating is exclusive but the sex is not. Stranger things have happened.

Neither definition of ‘exclusive’ is correct or incorrect. And neither definition is intended to pull the wool over anyone else’s eyes.

Dividing the world into groups or trying to second-guess how other people use words isn’t going to bring more precision to our understanding. Nor is rampant paranioa. Talk to your partner. Talk to the person you’re dating. Ask them what they mean. Tell them what you want.

Don’t rely on words like ‘relationship’ or ‘boyfriend.’ They probably won’t get the job done.
 tuxqueot
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 22
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 9:07:51 PM
Well, quick update. My ladyfriend (sorry, at 41 it's hard to use the term girlfriend) knew I read the forums, but had never been here before.

She just messaged me saying she is reading the forums and reading my history of posts. At first I was like "ut oh, I hope I didn't post anything she wouldn't like". Then she tells me she feels she is very lucky. She likes my posting history and then she deleted her profile totally.

That's a pretty clear sign things are going well for us.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 23
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 9:21:28 PM

Without even getting in to the sexual part of a relationship, I have been approached by some who stated that they only dated one person at a time and suggested that's what they prefer. I've also been told that going out with more than one person is consider "player" behavior.

When I was dating I was doing just that, dating. I was trying to find that woman who clicked with me and who thought the same of me. At this point you're learning about the other and trying to decide if there's more to go on. Usually the answer after a coffee was 'it was nice meeting you, but...'. Sometimes it progressed further. At this early stage I always assumed the ladies were meeting others for coffee and dating others and using other ways to filter out their potential mate.


I'm kind of concerned with all of this exclusivity stuff because I'm not about to commit to someone I barely know. A couple dates, talking on the phone? He sees me on POF and suddenly I'm a player or cheating?

I never had one of those experiences where I was supposedly 'caught out' still on POF when a lady presumed an exclusivity which was never there and never talked about because it was either too soon, or a result of different dating attitudes.


Where's my ring? Where's my "I love you?" Um...this is all backwards! lol

It's exclusive when you both keep wanting each other's company, when you both see it going in the same direction, where others seem less and less interesting to you and the light bulb goes on above your head and you 'have the talk'. This can creep up over time, involve several false starts but seldom happens instantly.


If some can do the exclusive, committed thing from the 2nd date, that's great. But personally, I still don't know very much about that person and simply can't devote everything to just them. That takes time and building of trust.

For me, I have to know someone over a reasonable period of time to know if there's something there in order to make a commitment to them. Professing true love and demanding commitment and exclusivity after the second date is unrealistic.

My fiance and I only knew there was enough to maybe grab a movie or dinner after our first coffee, in her words she wanted to spend a few days 'processing' the experience. Thank god I passed muster! lol I wasn't sure either, but we lived nearby and just kept on 'bumping into' each other. We'd be dating other people as well as each other and we'd be open about chatting about our experiences in the dating world and laughing and sharing other things.

We just moved closer together and it was at that point we 'had the chat'. Nothing forced, no false expectations, just a natural progression for us.
 HoosierInMo
Joined: 6/20/2010
Msg: 24
view profile
History
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 9:32:02 PM
If there's a ring involved it's exclusive.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 25
what does exclusive mean?
Posted: 5/27/2012 10:04:23 PM
I used to think that if you were exclusive with someone that it also meant you were comitted to that person to continue on in the relationship.

I found out that to the person I was with...exclusive was not the same as committment.

so I think it is important to talk to the one you are seeing and be very explicit in what you mean and the needs and expectations of each person so as not to go on assumptions or misunderstandings or words.
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