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 theamazingdani
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 1
To tell or not to tell...Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Saturday night I went out with a few friends and these two guys were flirting with me and buying drinks. I spent the evening engaged in conversation with them, but was definitely more interested in one. My friend who I rode with ended up wanting to leave early with her boyfriend and the one I was interested offered me a ride to my car. One thing led to another and we ended up fooling around. At one point in the evening I had noticed he had a tattoo on his left ring finger and asked if he was married. He told me they had been broken up for about a year. Anyways, we exchanged numbers and left it at that. Sunday morning I am uploading pictures from the night before to Facebook and decide to add him, so I can tag him in the pictures. So I find his Facebook and discover that he is engaged to be married. In fact, while we were out fooling around, she was home with their two kids addressing their wedding invites. So my question is, should I tell her what he was doing? I feel awful because I would NEVER help someone cheat. I don't want to be an accomplice to that level of betrayal and intentional hurt of someone else. However, I am not sure I am prepared for the drama that could potentially ensue. Thoughts?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:34:05 PM
Do you have any friends in common that know her? She's either going to listen if someone tells her or she's not going to want to hear it. If they have two kids they've been together long enough for her to see some red flags and have already ignored them. I can understand your angst and I'm wondering why is he so stupid? Does he want to get caught?

Most people recommend to leave it alone unless it was your good friend and others will say yes you should because you would want to know. You probably weren't his first fling and I imagine she probably has an inkling if nothing else but with two young kids to raise she may be more inclined to ignore what that tiny voice is telling her rather than turn her life upside down and face the prospect of being a young single mother.

Again, I'd look for someone else to be the bad guy or even for someone else to write to her if you feel like you cannot in good conscience keep mum. It's difficult for you because you feel like you were used to screw her around and that's unpleasant, but it is also not necessarily your job to protect the girl from a guy she should know well enough if she's had two kids with him.

Geez you're 30, thought you were younger, yay :) how old are these people?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 3
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:34:44 PM

Thoughts?


Don't "fool around" with someone you just met in a BAR!!!!!?????? And if you do,assume it's for the night. And really, at 30 you shouldn't have to be told this. I'll ask YOU,,,what do YOU think YOU are gonna accomplish with YOUR telling????? At 30, again, YOU should know.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 4
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:35:06 PM

So my question is, should I tell her what he was doing?

My answer would be no. You don't know these people and only have part of their story.

What I would do is delete him from your Facebook and make no further contact. If this bloke attempts to contact you tell him you know about his situation and if he tries to contact you again you WILL spill the beans to his fiance.
 tgrlily3
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 5
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:35:25 PM
Most of the men will tell you to not say anything and most of the women will tell you to say something.
It's up to you and you need to decide what your true motivations are.
 Blackout478
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 6
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:35:59 PM
I would just block him, and chalk it up as a lesson learned. Why be in the middle of their mess and cause problems for yourself, especially its not like you had feelings for this guy.
 onehappyfellow
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 7
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To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:38:59 PM
Dani you are a social worker and know the answer.

Would you want to know if you were the other woman.

The choice is between hurt now or possible tragedy later..

Rotten thing to tell her but more rotten later on.

Folks please do not delete, give her your honest opinion.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 8
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:41:20 PM
Repeat and rinse. Meaning: Go to the same place next week and meet him again (arrange if you have to). Tell him you want to talk to him alone. Sit in his car while talking. Leave a pair of panties between the passenger seat and the door (for her to find), or leave in the back seat (for the kids to find). She'll get the message without you even being involved.
 theamazingdani
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 9
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:46:43 PM
I don't know either one of them. I was in out of town for the holiday weekend visiting friends, hence the random hookup in the bar. By the way, every single one of my married friends met their spouse in the BAR! I only found any of this out through my FB stalking (which was not my intention initially until I saw he was engaged). I have been cheated on and wish someone would have told me sooner than they did. My motivation would be that I think she has a right to know all the facts before she walks down the aisle. Then it's her choice. However, I don't need drama and the fact that I don't know these people and what they are potentially like puts me in a place of unease. My friends are split down the middle on this issue and that is why I was seeking out opinions here.
 tallmanenters
Joined: 1/28/2012
Msg: 10
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:51:10 PM
Bleh at this moral conundrum. You f'k around with random guys at a bar and drop your pants at a whistle, then suddenly become all modest and proper by asking this question?

I recommend you write his future wife a letter of apologies.

Deliver it in person.
 MementoMori32
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 11
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:59:11 PM
You say you don't want to help anyone cheat yet you sleep with a guy that you barely know even when you thought he might be married (you asked him) You're exactly the type of girl a married guy looks for to cheat with. If you don't want to help people cheat, try getting to know some guy before you have sex with him.

Not trying to be hard on you, but as they say, it is what it is. You put yourself out there and this is what happens. With that said, you're not the one engaged, he is. That makes him the shitty person, if that makes you feel any better. If I were you, I'd tell the wife. It's been my experience that no one ever believes that sort of thing, but she deserves to know. What she does with that information is her problem.
 theamazingdani
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 12
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:00:17 PM
There was no pants dropping involved.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 13
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:01:35 PM

Repeat and rinse. Meaning: Go to the same place next week and meet him again (arrange if you have to). Tell him you want to talk to him alone. Sit in his car while talking. Leave a pair of panties between the passenger seat and the door (for her to find), or leave in the back seat (for the kids to find).

So, entrapment and deliberate interference in other peoples' relationship situation is called for as far as you're concerned? And lets drag the kids into it as well? That's just appalling advice.


She'll get the message without you even being involved.

But you would be VERY involved if you did this. And you would be rightfully condemned for interfering in the lives of a whole family you don't even know. At the moment you are on the edge of things and can quite easily extricate yourself from this situation with these virtual strangers.
 VADERPRIME
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 14
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:02:20 PM
Mind your business. ...and omg.. seriously getting into a car w/ a stranger let alone the other thing. Just be glad you're here to type about this..
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:10:05 PM
A good point about the car OP.

If it bothers you that much because of your history again, you will tell her and she will either believe it or she will actively unbelieve it.

You aren't responsible for meddling in their relationship per se because he invited you into it when he lied to you and played kissy face when he was engaged and has two kids at home.

Just tag him in the pictures, you won't have to do a thing because unless he is completely incapable of using her brain she'll figure it out. You could also caption the picture you tag him in as a good kisser :)
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 16
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:15:09 PM
So, entrapment and deliberate interference in other peoples' relationship situation is called for as far as you're concerned? And lets drag the kids into it as well? That's just appalling advice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She asked him if he was attached (married). He said no for the past year. She is now involved and is being played with. My approach to this is if you want to play, let's play. The advice I gave her is only to give his fiance an opportunity to reflect on her future. This is very subtle advice, not mean at all. If this appalls you, I'd probably give you a heart attack if I stepped it up a notch.
 largo2
Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 17
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:16:48 PM
My instinct would be to not say anything but delete any and all contact you have with him and move on. Sure you can meet a decent guy in a bar, but you're not going to know enough about him the first night to know if he's decent or a lying scumbag. Now you know.

BUT

If you do feel you have to do something, then go ahead and upload your pics and tag him, as after all you would have done innocently thinking he was single. In other words, take him at his word, and let him deal with explaining to his fiancee who the girl in the pics is.


And then I really do advise you not responding if he calls you as it won't likely be pleasant.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 18
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:17:58 PM
I was in out of town for the holiday weekend visiting friends, hence the random hookup in the bar.

Charming!


By the way, every single one of my married friends met their spouse in the BAR!

Birds of a feather ...


I only found any of this out through my FB stalking


Don'tcha love facepuke?


I don't need drama and the fact that I don't know these people and what they are potentially like puts me in a place of unease.


Grow up. You had some random groping with a guy and now you want to "alert" his GF (who by all rights you shouldn't even be aware of if it wasn't for your Fbook stalking).

You are lucky you climbed into the car with a decent guy.
Call her up and congratulate her for having a good guy as a fiancé (if your finger didn't get caught in his zipper).

P.S. How does this correspond to your previously posted desire to only pursue a relationship with someone who shares your religious/ church-going beliefs?

What about the conviction in your profile that states that a guy must be interested in getting to know you and not just be interested in getting into your pants?
 OzzGirl22
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 19
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:24:09 PM
If she were your best friend I could see wanting to tell her because you have a vested interest but since these are strangers what do you hope to gain by telling her?

Move on, lessen learned.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 20
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:31:19 PM

This is very subtle advice, not mean at all. If this appalls you, I'd probably give you a heart attack if I stepped it up a notch.

You and I have very different ideas of what constitutes subtle advice Bill, but I do enjoy your posts on other threads I must say.

The OP only met this fellow once at a bar. He's a virtual stranger despite getting hot n' heavy in the car with him. She certainly does not know the fiance and the kids and has almost zero knowledge of the relationship.

She can walk away from this easily. If she goes the other way and deliberately meddles she is asking for trouble.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 21
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To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:33:57 PM
Nothing good can come from interfering in someone else's relationship. Either one of them could be a psycho and start giving you no end of trouble for your efforts.

You're not helping someone else cheat by minding your own business. He is a free moral agent and responsible for his own actions. In all likelihood, he has done this in the past, and she knew about it at some point. Neither one of them are friends of yours, so you don't owe it to either of them to start stirring that sh!tpot.

Incidentally, I wonder how much of your motivation in wanting to tell her about it is your embarassment by fooling around with a stranger in a bar who turned out to be engaged to be married, and wanting a touch of payback on him for it.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 22
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:39:37 PM

However, I am not sure I am prepared for the drama that could potentially ensue.


What drama? You just met the guy the night before and he lied to you. I wouldn't care what he thought? The fiance? Same thing. It's not like you are losing a bff or something. Sell him out. He deserves it. Why are you even feeling guilty about it?
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 23
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:42:05 PM

You're not helping someone else cheat by minding your own business. He is a free moral agent and responsible for his own actions. In all likelihood, he has done this in the past, and she knew about it at some point. Neither one of them are friends of yours, so you don't owe it to either of them to start stirring that sh!tpot.

Well put.


Incidentally, I wonder how much of your motivation in wanting to tell her about it is your embarassment by fooling around with a stranger in a bar who turned out to be engaged to be married, and wanting a touch of payback on him for it.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on that bit.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 24
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:45:59 PM
I'd probably tell.. but... who knows what the right choice is.. My friends boyfriend did something to me and I told her.. she never spoke to me again and she stayed with him... He did it again a year later to someone else.. i found out through a mutual friend.. she still won't talk to me.. You don't know how people will react.. it's up to you, you're only saving grace is that you don't know them, you can rat him out and then block him. Or just send him a picture of your cootch.. she'll get the idea
 TC2u
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 25
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To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/29/2012 8:09:02 PM
"Would you want to know if you were the other woman. "

My thoughts exactly.
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