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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?      Home login  
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 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 2
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Other than hooking them up for a polygraph........no.

What to expect on dating sites....anything and everything, more than you could imagine. You can put whatever you care to in your profile, it won't automatically weed out anyone. You only can control who emails you with your mail restrictions and "I'm a cheater" isn't an option.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 5:46:24 AM
If you want to be realistic, then just accept the fact that there is no effective way to weed out cheaters other than you remembering the important phrase "caveat lector" and taking your time in getting to know people.


Is there any point in putting "cheaters, just move on and don't bother" in your profile?

Not really. It's probably counter-productive because it only makes you seem more vulnerable to cheaters which would explain your need for the big warning sign. It's not overly aggressive; it's defensive. When I see a man's profile that says "looking for an honest woman" I say there goes another confused guy who doesn't know how to find one which why he keeps getting exactly the opposite.

Besides, cheaters hardly ever self-assess as cheaters because nobody ever does anything (even if they are cheating) without finding a way to justify their behavior. Did you think an inherently disingenuous person is suddenly going to start editing their behavior just by reading your profile?? "Oh wow better not contact that guy, he's got me all figured out." No, cheaters figure you out and then take advantage of the situation, and that's why they are cheaters and you are cheated.

There are no shortcuts.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 4
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 5:52:11 AM
Oh, I wish there was. There is no sure fire way to avoid someone who will cheat. People who haven't cheated in the past, may cheat in the future - consider the long term marriages you know about which collapsed when one spouse had an affair. Cheating is partly personality and partly circumstance and opportunity which arise when a LTR is already in trouble.

I think all you can do is get to know someone gradually and pay attention to their actions and learn about their core values. A serial cheater often has tell tale signs. Once you find someone who you think is a match, then it's a case of making time for one another and communicating openly (which includes listening as well as speaking) to ensure that relationship is cherished and respected and nurtured. I don't know what else any one individual can do to protect themselves from being cheated on in the future.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 6:45:55 AM
ways to weed out cheaters?

maybe.. but can you afford it?
private investigators to profile the persons past...
psychotherapy for that person to assess character.......
armed gaurds at your front and back doors.........

maybe a chastity belt?
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 6
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 7:11:56 AM
Well, the problem is, cheaters LIE.

So they're not going to TELL you they're cheaters. They'll lie and claim they're honest and trustworthy.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 7
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 7:15:49 AM
Chastity belts are available for both men and women. Exchange keys.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 8
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 8:22:22 AM
OP ... the onus is on YOU to choose better.

If you put

"cheaters, just move on and don't bother"

on your profile, then you are going to attract them.
As they know that you don't know how to discern who is and who isn't.

Up your picker.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 9
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 8:28:57 AM
Technically, no. But you can minimize the possibility. The old-fashioned way is to marry a virgin. This type of marriage is statistically much more successful than others. Beyond that, you have to get to know her really well before marrying her. Is she a virtuous woman? The only way to know is to spend a lot of time talking to her and to know her for months/years.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 10
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 8:30:21 AM

I have zero tolerance for it and I'm of the personal opinion that this kind of thing is not something that would ever go away. Once it's done once it'll happen again.

How very judgemental of you.

I cheated on one partner. I was young, stupid, and unfulfilled in my relationship. That was almost 25 yrs ago and I've never cheated on anyone since, so you're perpetuating the "once a cheater always a cheater" is crap, imo.


Would it just come off as overly aggressive to the non-cheaters out there and would it actually even deter the ones that would prefer to keep their history private?

Yes and no.

Can you predict with 100% accuracy what someone will do in the future? I know I can't.

If it's a major dealbreaker for you, then put it in your profile that you are not interested in someone that has cheated in previous relationships, and be VERY clear on what you consider cheating to be. There are some that feel that talking to someone of the opposite gender is cheating. There are some that feel masturbating is cheating. Or kissing someone on the cheek that isn't your partner.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 11
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 8:54:19 AM
Ya; the ones who keep secrets from you, and see some areas of discussion as off bounds, are profiled to be possible cheaters.

Why else would they keep secrets right?

Other than that, the "only" other hint I see are those who like to have private time with "their" friend of the opposite sex; who, strangely enough, you never get to meet. I dont see any other reason for keeping people of the same sex separated; do you?

That's all I got.
 neck romancer
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 13
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 10:49:09 AM


Go religious. Cloistered in a convent, none of them can get you.


Im told thats not very effective either.

Basicly if they are breathing there is a possibility.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 14
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 11:22:15 AM
Most all, on some level, have cheated at one time or another in their lives. Even the most outspoken critics have probably done so. But there's different degrees of it & painting them all with the same brush will limit your prospects.

I do ask it upfront when meeting someone new. Most are honest & describe the circumstances but I don't judge them solely one the one issue. In the end it's the sense of betrayal that hurts the most & not the cheating itself.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 15
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 11:36:28 AM
No I do not think there is a way to weed them out before you start dating them and getting to know them. Cheating happens because either the person isn't getting needs meet within the relationship (Not that this is the other person's fault, they are just not truly compatible) or they are selfish and putting their wants above someone's feelings.
 Triumph800rider
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 17
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 12:35:58 PM
I did a post on cheating in my profile.

Anyhow, you first must differentiate between those persons who will date several people at a time until they meet "The One" and those who step out in a relationship after the couple has had "the talk" and agreed to be exclusive. I believe that having "the talk" is essential. Assuming the other person is exclusive without the two of you actually discussing and agreeing to an exclusive relationship will lead to heartbreak and misunderstanding. I don't call somebody a cheater just because I have been out on five dates with them and I find out that they have a date with another person. By my definition it is only cheating after the couple has SPECIFICALLY agreed to be exclusive.

I have done a few things when it comes to online dating. First, I Google usernames to find out how many sites a person has profiles on. I also have "dummy" profiles on a few other sites. It is easy to see how active a person is on dating sites and if they are on any sites that should raise a red flag for somebody looking for an exclusive relationship (adult friend finder, hookup, etc...) When you are in an exclusive relationship it is a good idea to google the person's username regularly to see if they have joined any new dating sites. The username should show up in a google search within five days. However, it is pretty common for some dating sites to sell user profiles to brand new sites looking to drum up business by trying to appear that they already have 100,000 plus members. A person's profile may appear on a new site without their knowledge. So, if it is identical to an inactive profile on another site they may not have put it there.

Actually, it is very easy to get caught cheating online, especially if the person is trolling for new partners on dating sites. I cannot say that there is any way to screen out these people ahead of time. But if they have active profiles on dozens of sites and log on to those sites fifteen minutes after your date with them has ended they are probably not good candidates for an exclusive relationship.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 18
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 12:44:43 PM
Apparently, people who are dieting are more likely to cheat, so you could avoid dieters. Other than that, I got nothin'.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 19
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 1:10:55 PM
From my experiance, "cheaters" are never truthful about their past in the first place when it comes to dating. Never met a man who openly admitted "hey, I am a cheater so I won't fit your criteria". The only way to weed them out for sure is to actually BE cheated on....sad but true. Just my opinion.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 20
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 1:13:45 PM
I have known of others who got a friend to post a profile and try to "hook up" (whatever) with their guy and see if he takes the bait. It's not something I would do myself, but apparently many people on the forums have posted about it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 1:53:34 PM
I made one resolution after suffering my own Armageddon from cheating. It was based on the observation I made, that the gal who cheated, had repeatedly demonstrated before she started doing so, that she

a. believed in lying to other people to get her way, right in front of me. I failed to note it at the time, because I was young and inexperienced, and because as a youth, everyone believed in a certain amount of lying.

b. believed in doing what ever it took to get what she wanted. This is usually thought of as a good thing, and it often is, but the key to look for, is whether the person "does whatever it takes," or "does whatever it takes, within the limitations of their avowed beliefs."

I can't say for certain that all of the people I rejected since, because they exhibited one or both of those behaviors, was a definite cheater. I do know that some of them cheated on others after I passed them by.

Basically, what I'm saying is, that I personally don't think that cheating comes out of nowhere, any more than any other negative, or positive behavior.

If you go out with someone, and the plot to cheat the waiter, or mistreat him; if they are thrilled to get away with breaking well established rules, in a venue that they chose to go to; things along those lines.

Basically, any one who excuses themselves, for breaking rules of behavior that they demand allegiance to from others, I think bears close, careful watching.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 22
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 3:52:57 PM

If you go out with someone, and the plot to cheat the waiter, or mistreat him; if they are thrilled to get away with breaking well established rules, in a venue that they chose to go to; things along those lines.Basically, any one who excuses themselves, for breaking rules of behavior that they demand allegiance to from others, I think bears close, careful watching.


Absolutely agree 100%

If someone sees screwing someone over as a fun thing or thing to do; chances are they would do it to you too.
 1sexytinkerbell2
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 23
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 4:07:34 PM
I have to agree with you. To me, cheaters try way too hard to convince you that they are NOT cheaters, that they are honest and only want to date you .....not the other 6 women that they are talking to. To me a non-cheater is the one who tells you to get to know them first. Of course, there is always the chance of them being cheaters too but it really is a guessing game.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 24
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 4:23:02 PM
Date em, but don't get serious about em...
till you are sure.

Let your trust be earned by their actions.
Not your attraction.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 25
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 5:50:31 PM
I do think Igor's idea is sound and has a lot of merit. I always pay attention to how my "date" treats the people around us wherever we're at. It can be very telling.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 26
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 6:00:12 PM
When they get the other woman pregnant... then you'll know...

or follow them around with a camera...

Maybe set up a nanny cam in your bedroom then take a business trip?

You already know the answer to this question.. because if there were, there would either be no cheaters or brothels would become a lot more popular.. (because they can't get a date)
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 27
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/1/2012 6:22:41 PM
Thanks Meems.

but I learned that by being stupid and foolish.
:-p

so that bit of wisdom is my way of putting my past misery
to good use for the benefit of others.
....and letting it go.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 28
Is there an effective way to weed out cheaters?
Posted: 6/2/2012 1:14:10 AM
First of all how many guys or girls that cheat; and pretty much half of daters are cheaters; come up to you and say ah,"you put in your profile no douchebags or cheaters. Dang, I'm a cheater and a douchebag so I can't contact her". lol; that's the most naive thing I've ever heard.

Cheaters are liars and they have psychopathic tendencies. They really have no feeling for the person they are cheating on. So how do you expect them to be honest?

First of all you want to stop against cheating:

1. be up front; tell them you have a one time cheating policy; if they cheat once, it's over.

2. look at their actions; if their actions dont equal their words, ONLY look at their actions. When their actions and words are the same, you have a keeper. (i.e. getting and sending sexy photos from a girl or guy but then saying they are just friends and that they love you. They are not just friends and you dont do that to someone you love)

3. NO SECRETS: that means no secret friendships, no secret online pals, no secret meetings with ex's or "co workers". Who you know, they know. It's called respect and accountability.

4. STOP MOVING SO DANG FAST!
I just watched a dateline murder mystery where two upper middle class people spoke to eachother from an online dating site. 18 days after their first meeting, they married. She ended up being a murderer.

it takes a year to really get to know someone. Save the "but we end eachothers' sentences, or we know what eachother is thinking, etc...". Thats cute when you are a teen but come on.

Love takes time.
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