Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
view profile
History
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
This is difficult to answer. There will always be guys who just want to get laid no matter what you look like yada, yada. I don't think you need to open yourself to dating black guys when it clearly terrifies you and why the hell should you?

So, my question to you would be how is the therapy going? have you hit a wall, do you really like/love yourself?

Generally speaking you need to throw the line out there and wait for someone to bite and I do believe to a degree that I think people can sense you're looking because I know a very large number of people that finally said I'm done and that's when the guy popped up. Two of the people I'm thinking about, one dated more than a hundred guys before she said God, if you want me to get married you need to send me a husband, shortly after she met him, exceedingly beautiful woman inside and out. The other I'm thinking of did similar, approaching 30 she wondered if she would be an old maid, absolutely stunning, smart, sweet, and she met her husband after dating a large number of jerks.

I think the best advice I can give you as a parent of someone who is major unhealthily overweight, do your life, be happy, get your weight where it should be to be healthy not to get guys, etc. and I suspect that you will naturally attract someone you want to you :) Because I do think there is some truth to attracting what you put out there and/or believing you deserve the great person rather than the knuckleheads you have been meeting.

TG, it is likely that she gained at least some of the weight as a protection from intimacy so while it is sage advice just from the standpoint of physically feeling good about herself and being healthy losing the weight may be tied to the emotional trauma of her childhood.
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 6
view profile
History
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/6/2012 6:00:39 AM
First of all, get off Craigslist. If what you want is a boyfriend, do not settle for a FWB. While you are busy being a filler for someone you may be missing out on some great men.

Focus on putting yourself out there in a positive way. Check out Meetup.com for groups that would interest you and get involved. You could also look for volunteering opportunities. Try to find some that will have people working together. It's a great chance to meet people. Even if these people only become your friends you will have created more opportunities to meet a man. Being active in your community can also help make you an interesting person to be around, increasing what you bring to the table in a possible relationship.

If you feel that your appearance is holding you back from the men you are interested in, change it. Join a gym, take a fitness class, hire a personal trainer, or just start walking. Cut out the processed food, eat more veggies and fruits along with lean protien. If you're happy with the way that you look, great! It's really all about how you feel about yourself. If your self confidence is low- the sharks will start circling.

Good luck, OP.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 7
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/6/2012 6:03:25 AM
Sweetie, ask your therapist if they think OA (over eaters anonymous) and/or SA (sex addicts anonymous) would be good 12 step programs for you to attend. Aside from physical recovery in regards to your weight, you need & DESERVE emotional & SPIRITUAL recovery.

It is way more easier to pick & choose from men when your weight is "average" or a "few xtra pounds" than when u r a BBW, but that is just the physical part. There are also inter racial dating sites as well...

Look at all you have achieved regardless of your past, u r one special young lady...All the best to you!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/6/2012 7:44:19 AM

Yesterday I was lonely and bored and put another Craigslist ad for FWB and got a ton of messages. When I sent my picture guys still wanted to meet, but only for sex.


I thought the main intent of advertizing for a FWB was sex. You're advertizing for a sex partner, then get disappointed when you get replies. What's up with that?

You claim to be in therapy. Does your therapist know that you're flip-flopping between wanting a Fvck buddy or FWB, but at other times claiming you want a real boyfriend? Not many guys will want a girlfriend who has a history of posting ads for a FWB whenever she's bored. You should choose one or the other-it's the whole having your cake and eating it too thing. Guys who notice your postings on Craigslist are not going to want to date you in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. As for getting replies mainly from black guys, here's a newsflash: white women mostly get replies from white guys. Do you advertize that you only want white guys to reply to you?
 TheCastle
Joined: 9/14/2010
Msg: 14
view profile
History
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:05:10 AM
First off, Troy. I could almost see your point from a bitter view of things had she been winey, she is asking for advice to stop it. So you just prove you are the one who is not only ignorant, but a trolling a$$ that seems to want nothing more in this post than to fuel the pain of others and offer no real advice.

That being said.

OP go look in the mirror and think of every good thing you have achieved, every good thing you have done for others, and how that makes you feel. Then look still deeper and think of what you could do about yourself, whether it be mental, physical, and or emotional to imporove and make you feel better about yourself! Then take that list you made and start making it happen, it doesn't have to be quickly. Most real change takes time and no small amount of effort. But knowing what YOU feel you need to do is a great start to fixing any problem. Be self aware, not self destructive. :)

Also, maybe you should consider another therapist as well if the one you are talking to isn't helping. Sometimes a different perspective is all it takes.
 blissness108
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 19
view profile
History
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:00:36 AM
I am sorry but I don't think it is racism. It seems like a form of PTSD where there can be a trigger. This non-man could have been any race...he could have had intense green eyes, he could have had red hair, he could have worn a blue plaid shirt...and any one of those things could be associated with the trauma. OP I honestly do not think you are a racist, and you do not need another thing to judge yourself. It is what remained with you. I am so sorry this happened to you. I would stay off CL for awhile. Stay in therapy. Maybe try celibacy for awhile (not forever) to just regroup and sit with yourself and your feelings. Seek out understanding friends. Be good to yourself. You are healing and healing takes time and patience and self love. Also try SexAddicts Anonymous, at least look up some of their literature. Keep on, OP.
 TheCastle
Joined: 9/14/2010
Msg: 20
view profile
History
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:25:12 AM
In my opinion, if you feel someone is racist because they don't date a certain race, isn't it just as racist to assume they should date any other race even their own? And all this is assuming a person believes their race is better or more important than the only race that matters, and to me that would be the human race. Just sayin :) Just trying to keep an open mind. And I myself have dated women of "different" races and the only difference in them were their individual differences.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 21
view profile
History
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/6/2012 6:09:34 PM
OP, You were raped by a black man and black men are a trigger for you. You feel that you can never feel safe around them. I hope in therapy, you are working out the significance about this, not the black issue per se, but the issue that the trigger is still active for you. If the trigger is active , that means that you are still embodying the fear of the original trauma and that means that you haven't resolved the core piece of the trauma. It is true that one never forgets a trauma, but with time and targeted work in therapy, you are able to substantially reduce the symptoms related to the trauma. From what you've described here, I would say that some of your symptoms have been addressed but not the core one.

I'm not judging whether you go out with black or white men, I'm only pointing out that this choice points to the lack of resolution to the trauma and maybe something to look at more closely in therapy.

It's interesting that Troy said his girlfriend was also raped and she was a lesbian for a while. Same dynamic. Men were a trigger for her, once she was able to reconcile some of her trauma she was open and receptive to a relationship with a man.

One of the experiences that many women who have been raped report is that they felt used and objectified. I find it interesting, that while you are having connections with (white)men, the feeling of being objectified/used is present. I'm wondering if there is a correlation between the weight gain and the compromises you've made.
 joe_226
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 25
view profile
History
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/7/2012 9:55:37 AM
Hun,
The 1st & foremost thing you have to do is...QUIT PUTTING YOURSELF ON THE TABLE LIKE A SLAB OF MEAT.
In other words, you're gonna have to convince yourself (like quitting smoking) that you are not going to be a "piece of meat" anymore for whoever wants a turn. Secondly, you apparently need to know, that this change in your lifestyle is going to be tough (urge for company). But, you've GOT TO "stick to your guns" & not give into that "urge".
Last, you need to STOP LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND !!! Someone will come along, in time, that will respect you & will want to be with you because of "you"...NOT for sex. But, as long as you're "looking", all you're ever gonna find will be the same sh** that you're wanting to put behind you for good.
Wish you the best...and God bless ;)
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 28
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/8/2012 6:15:24 PM
Love yourself. A decent man will let you decide when you are ready for that moment. You don't need sex to increase your self esteem and self worth. Don't lower your standards to meet a guy. Good luck.
 stephenmv
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 31
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/8/2012 7:23:33 PM
While it is not as "commonly accepted" as a black male with a white female, there are plenty of white males who are interested in black females and some are exclusively interested in black females. One of my black female friends in college only dated white males and she is not married to one, I think she met her husband on this site. Also, one of my white coworkers is married to a black female.

I noticed that your profile states that you are only here for the forums, are you proactive in reaching out to white males?
 tensail
Joined: 10/15/2009
Msg: 32
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/8/2012 7:25:38 PM
well u gota decide wat u want wat u dont n follow through wit it, set boundries n stick to em.
sometimes if u dont have sex wit a male he will over time become a bf, if u give em sex soon ver inclined to look 4 more elswhere.
u gota b patient- finding a partner isnt like going to a shop n ordering it, it takes time to find v compatable 1, ive spent several years awaiting v rite 1, but at ur age dont have to b so fussy.
i htink it best to revisit black or asain men whatever as vis is a wall thats reducing ur chances- up 2 u baby, anyway gl
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 36
How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?
Posted: 6/9/2012 10:59:07 AM
by seeing a therapist. you are acting like a victim when you are doing it yourself. You can only have sex if you let them do it to you. This is on you.

You are insecure. you love the temporary attention and feeling you get. Right now these white guys are no better than the black guys you dont want to date. Black people seem to think they've stepped up if they sleep with white people and it's a little pathetic in my book.

You need help on why YOU do this. Men are dogs; most will screw anything with a hole in it. You also get off on the fact that they are older.

You are being used like no other and you let it happen. get some help.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do I get over my addiction to men who only want sex?