Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > No sex from get go so no go      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 blissness108
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 4
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no goPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
It boggles my mind, it says plainly in your profile you are not looking for an intimate encounter. Maybe he never looked beyond your photos? I agree with above poster, you had an inkling of what he wanted, maybe it would have been better to not try another date? Good luck to you.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 5
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:41:54 AM
So that's all he's got in his bag of tricks ? Simply cooks a meal for you and presses the issue again ?

His list insecurities could be endless so take it at face value that sex is of utmost importance to him without knowing or caring about you in the grand scheme of your "dating".

When he blamed you for allegedly "making" him feel unattractive we realize you're dealing with a savvy manipulator.

You might wish cut off contact with this guy after a polite "I'm not interested" message/call or put up with "Mr. Octopus" on future "dates".

Happy fishing !
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 12
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:20:00 AM

wish I knew the statistics regarding "sex on first date" vs, "sex at another time" and likelihood of man/woman staying?

In my personal, non-scientific experience, it makes very little difference. If they like ya, they'll stick around - sex or no sex. If not, they're history, regardless of when (or if) sex happens.

Of course, this may differ if the person is a member of a religious group that frowns on pre-marital sex - then I'd assume sex before marriage would send them running for the hills. But I didn't date many (any?) guys like that, so I dunno.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 15
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:36:42 AM
Good you found out he was in this just for himself.
Stay true to yourself.

Sex can wait until BOTH (it is a participation deal) are ready.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 20
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:52:00 AM
Guys wait, just not your guys....

Maybe you need to change your approach and ask the guys out and cook them dinner, and maybe pay for it all, and then pick and choose who you want to spend more time with, and when you want to bed them or not. There are far to many times that it becomes mixed if not implied that if the man asks you out over and over, pays for it, and cooks you dinner, that maybe, just maybe, you will want to enjoy him in other ways. Nothing right about this at all, but it does exist and women need to know and hold their own that no means no, and being an equal in dating will go a long way to proving it!

cd
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 21
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:59:15 AM
You have sex when you are comfortable and if the other person doesn't respect that, then you just move on. The fact he started trying to make you feel bad about your decision indicates a manipulative personality, best to kick him to the curb. I don't have a set of rules of when I'm going to have sex but I do like to know the person abit first, if not I might as well have a FB situation, to me it's the emotional attachment aswell, I can get laid easily but finding a good compatible partner is a another matter, I want that connection first. In the end whenever you decide to have sex there is always a risk that the person is going to bail on you afterward, but then I made a choice and I'm responsible for that choice, no matter how it works out.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 24
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 10:10:49 AM

He made me feel very bad about it saying I make him feel unactactive n ugly n if he finds perfect girl he will make her feel like a queen n he has other option bc he is going to Vegas soon.

Hopefully you've given the guy the boot. Whaaaaaaa...you made him feel unattractive and ugly because you couldn't wait to rip his pants off - the poor baby. What a ploy. He wanted to make you feel bad for him and it apparently worked. Then to tell you he's going to Vegas to get some because he has options? You're apparently just one of his options and if you won't give it to him within his time frame, eh, no biggy, he'll get it elsewhere. Ya know what? Sight unseen, the guy IS unattractive and ugly. That fact you are only dating and he is under no obligation to not have sex elsewhere at this point isn't the issue - the issue is that you can see right from the get go that he's a manipulator, which is a tactic he would use on you whether it had to do with sex or anything else that didn't go his way.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 27
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 10:24:51 AM
Well I'm guessing you like the guy since you had four dates so you have to ask yourself, is holding out worth losing him? There isn't any point in making judgements about people, you two are obviously thinking about sex in very different ways...maybe too different? I would tend to think that by four dates, I'd have a pretty good idea whether I wanted things to be progressing or not. At that point it becomes a matter of weighing my choices against the consequences.

I had a one night stand that lasted over six years and resulted in marriage. Admittedly, that was unique in my experience but my point is that when you have sex isn't really an important question in my mind - whether you want to have sex with him at all is the critical question.

Having said that, no one should be trying to pressure you into having sex. His excuse sounds pretty whiny too. I'd probably start to get a little worried myself if I was dating a woman that much who didn't show any sexual attraction towards me. I wouldn't cry about it but I certainly wouldn't be playing any "exclusive" games with you while you sat around trying to make up your mind.

From the sounds of it, you guys seem to have some very different expectations about what dating means and I get the impression that some communication could go a long way. If you've been as clear as you have indicated in this thread, then your great guy is obviously a liar and a manipulator.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 31
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 11:28:34 AM
I was just thinking about this. It reminds me of different people's shopping styles. For instance, I know what I want and what appeals to me before I even go out looking. I make big purchases like houses and vehicles the same way. Line a bunch up, take a look at them all in one day and then buy within no more than a day - two tops. Other people think it to death and take months of looking and wind up dissatisfied in the end anyway. It's more of a personality type than being afraid of or not afraid of sex. People can be more uncertain of themselves rather than that which they are going after.
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 32
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 11:44:57 AM
^^^^ yeah, you just may be spot on with that analogy. I have never had to wait more than 2, 3 at the most dates if a woman was into me and I , her. If the woman was not that into me, or I wasn't into her, I'd know it certainly by three dates... asking for sex???? What???
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 33
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 11:51:03 AM

Actually, that makes a big difference for a woman. If a man doesn’t like her enough to stick around then it’s much easier on her when he leaves without having sex before. Otherwise, it’s a big blow to a her ego.

You are probably right, but I seem to have missed that whole "if he leaves me after having sex, it means I'm no good" thought process. Personally, I think women should focus less on "sex = relationship" in preference to "relationship=relationship, and sex=sex", but probably difficult to do when her brain gets flooded with oxytocin as part of the sexual experience.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 35
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 12:28:41 PM
hahah some male bashing here, like the woman who said eeeewww, 50 year old bengay guy, well he may be using preparation h and other creams, I could say stuff about her age group but would definitely be cruxified for that.
Do not trash people, some guys are 50 or more around here, if it were a free for all, that woman would lose.
Do not offend.

It is bad when women bash guys and no one cares but when guys do that to women it is a horrible thing.

Anyhow my opinion on sex is all depends on the couple, it is one of the partners right to hold off on that, no one should strees out the other on sex, it is a sign of respect to the other's feelings and wants. A relationship is about respect and caring not abusing.

I have always hold off and let the woman actually ask. Well they way I do it I have ways that they get so heated up and I tell them no until they really want it haha it is a game but i make sure it was them that wanted it, I always want it anyhow, I let them know without telling but back off. Some will not respect that and insult me calling me gay or even slap me, It is amusing to me.

Sex and respect goes both ways , alot of women here act and feel and stat that all men victimize and pressure women for sex, some men like me do not and the women do .

it goes both ways.

To the OP , if he does not respect you move on , it does not matter if he says you make him feel ugly, it is a mind game to say that. If he wants replace sex with a massage and tell him how handsome and manly he is even if he is not, then if if he actually felt ugly he will no longer do so, works with me hahahaha.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 36
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 12:31:08 PM
No, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. She's just slow to make decisions - like not deciding to give this guy the boot because of his pressuring and manipulating. She ruminates about when may be the best time to have sex (for her) the same way. As I said, it's a personality type - we can't all be quick decision makers and/or live with those decisions without guilting ourselves to death once those decisions are made.
 YayForBeer
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 37
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 12:59:54 PM

Uh oh, someone doesn't have an open mind. ;)

I had a very happy anniversary, thank you! Just because my marriage doesn't fit into societies definition doesn't make it any less.

Good luck to you finding what you're looking for!


I understand this doesn't pertain to the original topic, but I find this kind of amusing.. I mean certainly everybody is free to have a relationship however they see fit.. I even have a friend who has been with his girlfriend for over 15 years, but they have an open relationship. It's all good.

But is it still a marriage if you're getting it on with people other than the spouse? :) Marriage is defined as a monogamous domestic partnership.

Again, I'm not disagreeing maliciously, I just enjoy a good debate now and then.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 44
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 3:45:02 PM

It seems like guy in previous relationships didn't mind to take their time to learn things about me n spend sufficient amount on time before sex.


This is the kind of stuff that makes me think you aren't being as clear with your new friend as you let on. You obviously have a very clear idea of exactly how long you think you "should" wait before having sex, so why not tell him that? Maybe in his mind, waiting a couple of days is a long time?

Also, I may be confused but did you meet a guy and then go out on four or more dates in eleven days? That would indicate to me that I was caught up in a torrid love affair. My dating pattern is typically going out on weekends until it starts to heat up. No wonder the poor guy is so frustrated.

I get the impression you care an awful lot about what other people think of you. So much so, that life is passing you by while you ponder over all the "should have's" before you. There is no "should" and there is no time limit - it's entirely up to you and no one else.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 49
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:28:45 PM
Don't want sex, don't have sex. But really, I would think ya should know by the age that you are at that if someone is "asking" for it, that' s what they WANT and will not stop at no for an answer. And also to let ya know, like at least one poster mentioned, some of these guys WILL play the waiting game until ya spread the legs and they get what they WANT, and then vanish in thin air. "Waiting" does NOT always get what YOU WANT. Just sayin.

And like other posters have stated, I can honestly say I never "asked" for sex in my life. It happens because it's always been a mutal understanding and agreement with nary a word spoken about the subject of the act.(we both wanted and got)
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 53
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 5:47:02 PM
jsphn11
Actually, that makes a big difference for a woman. If a man doesn’t like her enough to stick around then it’s much easier on her when he leaves without having sex before. Otherwise, it’s a big blow to a her ego.


If a women doesn't like me enough to stick after having sex it would be a big blow to my ego as well. I think I would take it personally.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 56
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 6:09:33 PM

women aren't playing some game by not having sex with you right away


Actually because you are a women and probably don't date women, don't tell us what "women" will and will not do. Some DO actually use sex as a tool. Not saying this is the case here, but it does happen. And by more than one. As most people are saying here, it's an individual choice, one we learn from and will adapt and change accordingly.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 57
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 7:20:22 PM
Walts
Actually because you are a women and probably don't date women, don't tell us what "women" will and will not do. Some DO actually use sex as a tool. Not saying this is the case here, but it does happen. And by more than one. As most people are saying here, it's an individual choice, one we learn from and will adapt and change accordingly.


I agree with you, many women will try and use sex to reward, punish or control men.

IM somewhat limited experiece in dating, if sex doesn't happen quickly, it's likely to be a poor relationship, there come a time when it is natural for it to happen. If it doesn't, then those times I continued to date it turned out the sex wasn't worth waiting for.

But if sex does happen quickly, it doesn't really mean it's a great relationship.

Net net, men and women need to make their own decisions, I would never try and guilt a women into having sex, that seems weak to me.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 60
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:22:24 PM
Where to begin with this one...


Anyhow, if the girl does have have sex with him on the first date usally the man gets his rockers off and then he leaves you and thinks of it as another notch on his belt.

Maybe some do, but plenty don't and there is no reason a great relationship can't begin with sex on the first date, it has for me several times, I did not go out seeking it, but when it happened I was certainly not going to 'cut and run' with these ladies because the chemistry which lead to things becoming intimate told me there was more to them than just physical attraction.


These men are the ones who create women to become "BAD" then what gets me when she does turn bad the man blames women. LOL

Oh puleese! What 'bad' are these women turning into? Are they becoming vampires or something? Are you blaming men for making women 'loose'?


Men are the onese who push women into doing things that can be hurtful.

You're not giving your own gender enough credit for being adults and being responsible for their own actions.


Plenty of women are looking for something more then just a sausage.

It might surprise you to learn there are plenty of men who are interested in something more than getting their rocks off, and there are plenty of women and men who consider sex a natural part of the dating process.


Their is sausages for free eveywhere. Don't get me wrong you have those women who do anything, but then you hear guys always complaining that those are the ones they don't want to settle with.

Maybe you are hanging around the wrong sort of blokes? Try seeking out the ones who don't hold to this double standard.


Men are always pushing women into doing things they don't want. Its up to the woman to say no, but some are weak and those men take advantage of it. sick!

Gross generalization. Any sex I have had in my life has come about by mutual agreement and often initiated by the female party in the scheme of things. Again, what blokes are you hanging around with?


I wonder if they would like it if a man would take advantage of their mom, or their daughter if she was weak and can't say no.

I suspect most mums, sisters and daughters, if they were adults, could look after themselves and decide whether they would sleep with someone or not.


It is all about their sausage thats what evolution tells them.Its not about respect.

So you're saying only men want sex and it is something women 'give them' and not a mutual exchange of pleasure? Are you saying women only want sex as an expression of intimacy in a relationship and none of them ever want it purely for pleasure's sake?

And I wonder whereabouts in this post:



Anyhow, if the girl does have have sex with him on the first date usally the man gets his rockers off and then he leaves you and thinks of it as another notch on his belt.


45 years old huh? That's OK, many women never get this. But I'll tell you our secret. It doesn't matter if it the first date, third date, 50 first dates, or 100th date, we always leave happy and "notch" every time. Yet still have feelings for you.


You thought this poster was talking about a 50-year-old man?


50 ugh! I would not touch a 50 year old perv. If I had to fool around with a man it sure would be younger! I would want to have fun. I don't want a man at that age who still gives out free sausage and probably smells like ben gay...whats the point?
Fifty year old still giving out free sausage is amazingly scary.

You do realise you're 45 years old, right? A mere 5 years younger than this 50-year-old who supposedly disgusts you?

So, princess, I'm wondering how old these blokes are you've been dating who are asking you for sex on the first date if you have such disgust for men who are closer to your own age?


I am so convienced that younger men have more respect then older men. My friend who is 36 is dating a younger man and he treats her like a queen and she dated an older man all he wanted was his three peice equipment cleaned.

So all of these young blokes your friend is dating just want to treat her like a queen and none of them want to get into her pants? Must be very boring for them.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 63
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 11:14:21 PM

^just so ya know OP: here on these forums, when women post about feeling pressured for sex or preyed upon, disrespected by a date, plenty of worthless fluff like the above is the response to make you feel bad gets posted.

Worthless eh? My posting wasn't an attempt to make the OP feel bad, it wasn't even a comment on the Op's situation, it was a comment on another poster who made sweeping and insulting statements about men in general.


All the women on here know exactly what you're talking about-in a word, 'entitlement'-they want it when they want it and you're the hole-crass, but after 11 days, that's not enough time to know you so well that a guy actually loves you.

Relationships between the sexes take varied forms and attitudes of 'entitlement' are not gender-specific.

I've known some great women in my time because I've always sought the company of ladies who make up their own minds about who and under what circumstances they sleep with. They certainly didn't view men as 'the enemy' as some of the posters here seem to be doing.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 64
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/7/2012 12:05:56 AM
Bloke, don't take it personally. I'm getting the impression that there is no middle ground here and there never will be.

Some people have this particular attitude about sex and their hang ups about how and when and with whom, etc. and I suspect it has everything to do with religion. It seems to me that people have built up massive assumptions and value judgements to justify their attitudes, or to try and validate them maybe? To these folks, all women are either saints or whores, there is no middle ground. It's as though some people think sex is bad and dirty and is a very unfortunate part of human relationships - others feel that sex is beautiful and pleasurable and something that it is a very important part of human relationships.

There isn't any point in arguing with them. They are right and you are wrong. Not only are you wrong but your arguments are merely interpreted as an attempt to get into their pants...lol
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 66
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/7/2012 4:14:47 AM

I just don't think I suppose to sleep with everyone I decided to actually meet in person. I'm sorry but unless I know that the guy is with me for a wright reason not just free ride it is going to be no go on my part then. N if I need 11 weeks thats fine too.

And fair enough too.


If guy likes me n wants to be with me it will happened byitself naturally.

Of course. The time-frame varies with other people, from sex in the first date to much longer.


N to all those dudes oh there is that what u would say u ur daugher sister or cousin I hardly doubd it.

I would say it was up to them if and when they decide to sleep with a man they dated. If they decided to do it on the first date I would still love them the same as I did the day before.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 69
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/7/2012 6:37:45 AM
Players check list for getting some.

1) Smooth talking
2) Romantic dates ending on his couch
3) Pouting how your not putting out makes him feel unattractive & ugly
4) More attention & smooth talking to gain trust
5) Getting some
6) Then gone

That about sums it up.

Any questions? Call the player hot line for more info at one-eight hundred-get-some
 joe_226
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 73
view profile
History
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/7/2012 8:52:58 AM
KatarzynaS,
"Men", in general, are looking for sex AS SOON AS they can get it...it's just a fact of life; And alot of "Women" are the same way. But there are a few of us that share your point of view on waiting for sex until you get to know each other.
Only other thing I can say on this subject is...if they do not respect you, as a person, to wait until you're ready, then they need to go elsewhere.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > No sex from get go so no go