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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 rc3k
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 1
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Here is a big time question that has been brought forward to my attention by several users of this site and many of you who post on these forums. Is the casual dating life style just more convenient and more effective in modern society than the traditional committed relationship?

The answer is not as simple as yes and no, but rather it lies behind the veil of ignorance we all choose to live by. The ignorance to accept the ever changing relationship gender roles, the ever evolving financial burden on each other and our government, the ideological state of both socio-economic and political affairs and of course the media.

While I totally understand that each generation and each age group may view my topic in a different light and paint it with a different brush, for my 29 years on this planet I have come to realize recently that women no longer seek or even have that strong urge to find and settle down with a man. I have been dating women age group 19-33 all my life, and up to this point I have seen the following common needs:

1) Focuses mainly on her immediate interests and friends 2) Focuses on her career 3) Is really tight with her pet and spending time with the pet 4) Really cares about working out and being fit and dedicates a lot of time to the gym 5) Love to travel and often takes multiple vacations a year 6) Fiercely independent and does not want to be controlled by a man 7) Really listens to her friends and takes their advice 8) Loves to be taken out and feel special 9) Does not have the time or energy for commitment but wants to have all the benefits of relationship 10) loves sex and loves men

In the end, a lot of the women I date want to take it slow, or not at all.. In fact I feel like women want to pick and choose the best parts of being in a relationship and discount the bad ones. No one wants to put up with anything, the first sign of trouble and they already are scheduling a date with another man. Women became "serial first-daters" they are on a search for the ideal guy all their life untill they will wake up one day and realize that they wasted their whole life chasing a dream..
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 2
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:12:56 PM

they are on a search for the ideal guy all their life untill they will wake up one day and realize that they wasted their whole life chasing a dream..


So one might ask, what are your expectations of a 'traditional committed relationship' - and is that/might that be a dream *you* are chasing?
 TheCritic
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 3
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:15:56 PM
My expectation is that a woman genuinely takes the time and energy and invests her self into building something with a man.. Accept his good side and his flaws and takes the time to get to know him.. I see so many women just use guys for their immediate pleasure.. If they are feeling social they will look a guy up on POF and get him to take them to dinner.. If they are feeling sexual they will call a up a guy or find a cute guy to come over and fk.. If they are feeling lonely they will find a good guy to just sit there and listen over a bottle of wine.. They have many guys for many things but not a single guy for all of them..

I find that women are too fast to discount men over the smallest things, when before they tolerated a lot more.. I believe independence of the women gender has been overdone to the point where women see "red flags" in the smallest things and quickly back out of any idea of getting to know someone or even going on a 2nd date..

2nd date is almost unheard of these dates.. I want to bring back the 2nd date!
 Extollere
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 4
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:28:46 PM

...for my 29 years on this planet I have come to realize recently that women no longer seek or even have that strong urge to find and settle down with a man.


Oh gawd not again. Isn't one thread bashing women enough? If we make you so miserable, you do know you have other options.

I know you're allergic to the word "some," so I'll just ask how you've managed, in 29 short years, to meet every single woman on the planet (or even within the U.S.) to qualify to speak with such authority on the entire gender?
 TheCritic
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 5
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:29:55 PM
NO, we cant allow as society to let casual dating beat out committed relationships..It is selfish and not natural..

I also feel like because as you say "everyone is disposable" that gives no meaning to anyone, because everyone is afraid to be disposed of.. What is the point of dating then?
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 6
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:38:30 PM
Wow I never acted like that. Maybe those women just didn't like u. L
it happens
.
 Phreeze
Joined: 6/3/2012
Msg: 7
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:39:02 PM

Is the casual dating life style just more convenient and more effective in modern society than the traditional committed relationship?


I find it is more convenient for the majority of people, given the reasons you listed, but by the same token, they're usually the ones who eventually realize the aren't getting any younger and end up wondering where all the "worth while" people to date are. A generalization on my part, but in some cases totally true. Not only women, but guys do it too.

I respect a woman who is independent, takes care of themselves/kids and has their life together. I also respect myself and respect what a relationship means. So if I do manage to get into a situation similar to this, rather then waste my time trying to get time together or be used for the "benefits" of a relationship, I'd just move on.

Love someone the way you want to be loved, if they can't do that...someone else will.
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 8
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:44:36 PM
But yes it seems to be but goes both ways. I'm looking for real relationship but the guys don't. I was on year about 2-3 years offf here. Thought I'd try for more serious, more time together
Its going no where now. But I also have a high sex drive so that's gotta be taken of too. So.I end up.w young guys gpr sex and don't really ever look at older for what I came on site for
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 9
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:17:03 PM

1) Focuses mainly on her immediate interests and friends 2) Focuses on her career 3) Is really tight with her pet and spending time with the pet 4) Really cares about working out and being fit and dedicates a lot of time to the gym 5) Love to travel and often takes multiple vacations a year 6) Fiercely independent and does not want to be controlled by a man 7) Really listens to her friends and takes their advice 8) Loves to be taken out and feel special 9) Does not have the time or energy for commitment but wants to have all the benefits of relationship 10) loves sex and loves men

No offense OP ~ but I see nothing wrong with any of these things except? Yeah, you already know and will be cyber-neutured here for #6. While I tend to read what you write a tad differently than others, I feel the need to tell you a secret!!!! A truly alpha male, even one who opts to live a Dominant/submissive lifestyle, does not wish to "control" anyone but his own self, his own actions, his own wants/needs/desires. You need to understand the concepts of being nurturing/loving/kind/understanding/accepting/etc, long before you attempt to be a "leader" in a relationship. I happen to prefer a more D/s or "traditional gender role" relationship for my own self? BUT??? No man "controls" any part of me that I don't wish him to control, when I wish him to do so. If you don't learn the difference between being "controlling" and being an alpha male/leader sooner than later? I'm afraid you're going to be one lonely old man.

In the end, a lot of the women I date want to take it slow, or not at all..

Maybe they just don't wish to take "it" with you. If you're exhibiting this "control" feature to these young ladies, you're going to run them off. On the other hand? If you'll change your own mind and actions? There are plenty of young ladies that seek and prefer one relationship to many casual ones with someone who's capable of being a leader without feeling the need to "control."

In fact I feel like women want to pick and choose the best parts of being in a relationship and discount the bad ones.

I tell you from experience, that if you keep on with your current thoughts on women/relationships? You're going to end up the serial dater in the group. I doubt landing with a control freak is not high on most women's "bucket lists" of traits they seek in a man/partner.

No one wants to put up with anything, the first sign of trouble and they already are scheduling a date with another man. Women became "serial first-daters" they are on a search for the ideal guy all their life untill they will wake up one day and realize that they wasted their whole life chasing a dream..

OP? Don't you think it's better to be "Mr. Right For Her" than "Mr. He'll Do"??? What type of "trouble" are you meaning here? Are you speaking of your controlling nature?? Do you feel this is a problem for the young ladies? I'd frickin' hope so. Every thread you post here has a common theme. Women don't do it the way you want it done. That's not the young ladies' fault my Dear ~ that speaks of you. You need to learn a whole lot before you take on the role of a "leader" in any relationship. Hell, you personally need to learn what the role of a "leader" is based upon your posts here. You want someone "traditional gender role" oriented, but you only want them to do it your way??? At first, I thought maybe you were just inept at explaining what you were meaning? Post after post after post? I have a different take ~ you're just the garden variety control-freak blaming women because you aren't getting your way. JMO
 Triumph800rider
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 10
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Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:18:52 PM
The obvious answer is that every (or most) committed relationship begins with casual dating. Most emotionally healthy people are not comfortable with the seriousness level of a relationship being intensified too early. I think the baseline for most people is to date somebody for a couple of months -- around ten dates -- before deciding to be exclusive. Then, once they are exclusive, that couple begins attending events with family members, co-workers and close friends. At this phase they develop a "couple identity" and see how that works out. Then, once a couple has been exclusive for a year, they begin to discuss whether or not the relationship has longterm (marriage, family, co-habitation) potential.

The OP's problem is likely ratcheting up the intensity level too quickly and becoming dismayed that after three dates he does not yet rank higher than her dog, job, girlfriends or other potential suiters. The women he dates are just being honest which does say alot about his choice in dates -- he is attracted to women who are honest and forthcoming. In fact, a woman getting intense too early is a red flag. My advice is for the OP to get his own dog, focus on his own career, hang out with his friends and date more than one woman. That way all of his emotional intensity is spread out in several directions which makes women more comfortable.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 11
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History
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:20:41 PM
Nice guy threads don't end well.

Reality is that mindset and attitude plays a big part in how you shape your perspective. Dating is easier now (in my opinion), because you actually can take the time to know a person and not feel pressured into marriage.

 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 12
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:25:08 PM
Well this is just a guess OP but if you are going out with independent, secure women who have their shit together and then start going on about "traditional relationships", it kind of makes sense that they would run for the hills.

There are so many people in here, both women and men, who have these pathetic fairy tales in their heads. It's like they hate their lives and expect someone else to come along and make all of their dreams come true.

Then you have the folks who are comfortable with their lives and aren't interested in turning over the apple cart every time they meet someone they like.

I don't see this as a problem so much as different strokes for different folks. Maybe you are dating the wrong kind of women?

If I had to say there was a "problem" then it would be that there are far too many of my first example and not enough of the second.

Casual dating is the only rational and honest way forward. You date until you meet that special someone who makes you want to give up dating forever. Sounds like a great plan to me. Sitting at home and hoping my fairy god mother (or Markus in here) will throw Ms. Perfect at my feet seems seriously deluded to me.

Once upon a time, this is what people called "dating". The only reason the word "casual" got stuck onto the front is because of all of these silly fools who expect everything on their terms right away. A spouse can't be ordered online and come to your home in a box.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:25:45 PM

for my 29 years on this planet I have come to realize recently that women no longer seek or even have that strong urge to find and settle down with a man.


That's odd. I've found the exact opposite. I can't seem to go on a date with a woman who wants anything but a committed relationship. Try being sincerely interested in a woman and see how that works for you. I don't mean be sincerely interested in getting her panties off, since that will happen if you are actually interested in her, especially for a real relationship.


I've experienced the same as Abelian for some reason, including my first POF date that started talking marriage the morning after our first date. (Needless to say that was rushing things quite a bit )

However, I've also found that (per my highlighted word above) that most *good* women aren't going to "settle" for "a man" that isn't compatible. While they *want* a committed relationship, they don't *need* a relationship, much less being in some kind of rush to "settle down".


In the end, a lot of the women I date want to take it slow, or not at all...


And you're in a rush to "settle down" quickly rather than respect her wanting to take it slow?
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 14
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:31:54 PM
In short, no casual dating is not beating out comitted relationship.

Most of the people I know in your age group are in committed or on their way to committed relationships.

You have a laundry list of complaints about what is wrong with women today. Guess what? Maybe it is about you and not them. You can't find what you want so it must be someone else's fault. As long as it continues to be someone elses fault, good luck in finding someone. As many have already said to you, look at conmon denominator. Time to change your attitude or become a lonely old man.


I highly doubt the OP has any problems attracting women.


I am sure he doesn't , keeping them for more than 5 minutes is the problem.
 neck romancer
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 15
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Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:32:31 PM
Ya know.. I speak to my grandparents (80 years old) and the stories they tell say things havent changed all that much. People slept around back then too, dated multiple people and only settled down when someone got preggo. You are trying to live out a fantasy that either never existed or hasnt for over 100+ years!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 16
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 5:26:58 PM

Ya know.. I speak to my grandparents (80 years old) and the stories they tell say things havent changed all that much. People slept around back then too, dated multiple people and only settled down when someone got preggo. You are trying to live out a fantasy that either never existed or hasnt for over 100+ years!

Boy you got that right. At age 40 I found out family "secrets" that nearly caused me to faint. And I just found out a huge "family secret" two weekends ago. And it was a shocker. Let's just say that things are not always as they appear, nor have they ever been.

There are thousands of woman out there that will address you as master and wear a collar and obey you 24/7.
If you say get undressed she does. You actually train her to obey commands and get into the positions you command her to get in to. You get owner ship of her body and sometimes her mind.

HUH? I've lived an alternative lifestyle for many years and I don't know but a half dozen women who are willing to be "slaves" (which is what you're describing here.)

The only catch is you have to be real. If you are a Master then you can have 3 slaves, one specializing in domestic duties, one to run errands and serve. The third could be just a pet that always has a tail and ears. All three are always kept living in a state of constant arousal and at your disposal at your command. These relationships can work out well but you have to be a dominant, a real one.
The slaves are very smart and if you cross them they will leave.

While, yes, slaves can be very intelligent, they also know their "place" (as it may be defined) it is not at all common and there certainly are not "thousands" of "real" slaves running around just waiting for someone like this OP to tell them what to wear, what not to wear and when to speak/eat/sleep/or get in the dog-kennel. Those particular types of persons are quite rare and since I've been on "both sides of the rope" so to speak, I can personally attest there are waaaaaaaaaaaaay more men subs/slaves willing to live life in such a manner than women. Not that I disagree with your opinion, in whole, I do think that this OP has NO clue what being a Dom/Domme is about and for all practical purposes? He should not be encouraged in the least. He's one that will end up on the receiving end of a Protective Order when some young lady gets sick and tired of his BS, because he is NOT a Dom nor are the ladies he's trying to turn into submissives submissive. Free will goes a long way in a D/s relationship. And thinking there are "thousands" of us out there or that we in someway feel the need to be with someone so short-sighted as this OP, is, well, quite honestly? A crock! JMO
 Triumph800rider
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 17
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Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:21:38 PM

Well if you know half a dozen and I know half a dozen it adds up to thousands. My extreme scenario is more realistic than his and of course over the top, I did say constant state of arousal and that's just funny. Some Doms can have 3 slaves though.

This thread has certainly taken an interesting turn. Despite having lived a very unconventional and interesting life I have absolutely no experience when it comes to the sort of things Rob3444 is describing. Can't say I've lived a sheltered life but when it comes to love I guess I am relatively naive and ordinary.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 18
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:24:35 PM
Well if you know half a dozen and I know half a dozen it adds up to thousands. My extreme scenario is more realistic than his and of course over the top, I did say constant state of arousal and that's just funny. Some Doms can have 3 slaves though.

We together don't even know a dozen. I do know ONE in a constant state of arousal. (Write me, I'll send you her email addy, sort of creeps me out.) I know one person with three "subs" but not "slaves" ~ those folks need chronic micro-management. High maintenance to say the least. At any rate, if this OP wants that? He can quit his day job, stand around with a flogger all day and demand that his way be the ONLY way. He'll switch teams after chronic exhaustion and be the property of some Pro-Domme that sees him as over-the-hill and only good for occasional amusement. HA!!! That makes me giggle. :eyeroll:

~OP~ We just jointly solved your issue. See??? Working together is a good thing. All of this control stuff? PFT! You'll never get world peace with that mindset. JMO
 neck romancer
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 19
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Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:44:24 PM

Boy you got that right. At age 40 I found out family "secrets" that nearly caused me to faint. And I just found out a huge "family secret" two weekends ago. And it was a shocker. Let's just say that things are not always as they appear, nor have they ever been.


I hear there used to be a whole lot of uncle/daddies and/or aunty/mommies, sister/mommies out there. I assume that happens alot less now days but back then alot of that weirdness going on.

I guess that has been replaced with two mommies or two daddies ;)
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 20
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:56:04 PM
OP~

Change is important---that's how society advances---people move forward---and while some are accepting of change, others hold fast to their beliefs. The beauty is that both men and women have lots of options and the right to exercise those options when dating people or creating relationships.

What I have observed over the course of my life is lots of couples who stayed married for over 20 plus years to simply wait until their kids were in their twenties then they filed for divorce. Some remarried, some remarried a lot , while others just 'dated' opting to wait for the BBD ( bigger better deal-ha). I'm not buying it's a man's world or a woman's world---because I think both genders are equally confused about what role they have today when it seemed not that long ago it was pretty clear cut---men were deemed the bread winner in relationships and women stood behind that man.

Today, women have far more opportunities and are no longer sitting at home backing the bread winner, because often times they have become the sole source of income in their homes or partnerships. While this is just my observation I'd say that some of the women I know, including myself, are learning to be less dependent because we have too---and we should be. Relationships aren't one sided---it requires two people who give mutually to each other---it shouldn't be about what we are getting from our chosen mates---but giving of ourselves willingly because we want to--not because society says we should.

While reading your list of what you've experienced with women it made me laugh a bit. I was having a conversation with someone who stated a female friend of his was complaining her spouse was never home but then in the next breath she complained that he got two days off in a row to be home she then complained what am I going to do with him at home? My friend was like, she is making no sense, but I could understand because there were many moments in my marriage I felt the same way.

The last two paragraphs you described about the women could/ are applicable to some men and their behavior during courtship/dating. I'm not about generalizing or bashing a gender---but it's been my experience if a man wants to play the field, have a booty call, chooses a FWB and enjoys casual dating his men friends applaud it---but if a women does we are looked at with disdain. I think if it's socially acceptable for some men to play the field without wanting any long lasting commitment why is so hard to digest that some women feel the same?

Peoples needs have changed because the demands of survival in this country and abroad have too. There is no more 'Beaver Cleaver' fantasy land where women stay home with aprons on and heels doting on their children and waiting for hubby to get home. Many women have to work one or more jobs to help keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. I was married for over ten yrs--lived in sin---and now I'm dating the same man off and on for the past 9 yrs. I have no desire to marry again nor live with a man. I like my life as is and make no apologies about it. While this life style works for me it doesn't mean it would work for another. It's about choices and taking chances.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 21
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:59:18 PM
with so many people cheating does it matter? dont blame marriage or commitment; that isn't the problem. The people in these situations are.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 22
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 7:12:02 PM

I hear there used to be a whole lot of uncle/daddies and/or aunty/mommies, sister/mommies out there. I assume that happens alot less now days but back then alot of that weirdness going on.

I guess that has been replaced with two mommies or two daddies ;)

ALWAYS ALWAYS "do the math." When I asked questions, I was told "We thought you'd do the math." HUH? Why on earth would I be at a 50th Wedding Anniversary doing the math? I was just worried about enough to get through the ordeal. (OK, not everyone hates family gatherings.....count me out on that note, my own issue!!) I think I'll "do the math" from now on. (And no, it isn't my parents, they gave me screwed up DNA on the correct time-line.)

with so many people cheating does it matter? dont blame marriage or commitment; that isn't the problem. The people in these situations are.

Not to get personal, but you are such a scholarly-handsome man, but sometimes you have such a ..... well .... negative view on people in general. I won't ask why, but for some reason, it makes me sad for you. Not all people cheat nor are all situations sinister in nature. (My shocked horror was due to WWII. Had nothing to do with cheating.) See it as you wish ~ but you're here and so are many lovely ladies who haven't cheated or been cheated on, I'd think a more positive view might be move productive. Maybe not. **shrug**
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 23
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 7:28:55 PM

Nope, just the OP. I like to keep him informed, as he likes to keep us informed.

I'll send you both ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ some Petron. I swear to whatever God (whichever one you worship) it makes this much easier to take. (I gotta agree.)

~OT~ Staying on topic? OP? I dunno. You entertain me simply because you are clueless. JMO
 rc3k
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 24
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/10/2012 9:44:16 PM
What is wrong with being controlling? I often hear women talk about how "controlling guys" are bad, yet I sense no reason why that should be the case.. Women are programmed not to have to make decisions in relationships, and just let the guy take lead.. Often I find things like "where would you like to go on a date? What would you like to do today? What do you want for dinner, what movie would you like to see? Have you researched a good vacation spot?" ETC ETC these types of questions are left with a "i dont know or up to you" response...

This all made me realize that women have, are and always will be looking to men for answers, and for planning purposes. Women need control and direction in their lives, because if left to a woman a relationship just simply will have no ground or support without the man's directional behavior.. I always been the type to love to plan things and take lead and control, there is plenty of women who appreciate it.. So hearing people say "no one wants a controlling guy" give me a break, no woman would survive a relationship without an element of control from a guy.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 25
Is Casual Dating beating out Commited Relationships in Modern Society?
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:57:31 AM

Women are programmed not to have to make decisions in relationships,


"Programmed"?????
My God,what a load of CRAP. We are NOT robots!!!!!!!
After reading this particular Post of yours,its crystal clear to everyone why you have no luck with women.
Maybe a Stepford wife would suit you.
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