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 AUTHOR
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 1
Best FriendPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am getting married in August. My best friend is my maid of honor. She has been becoming more and more distant with me as the day approaches. She is dealing with her own issues with her relationship not going anywhere after 4 years and says that is why she doesn't like to hang around with us anymore because our relationship is moving forward and she feels stupid because she has been in a relationship longer and hers isn't going anywhere and is becoming worse.

I'm sad because I miss her and our friendship. I am trying to purposely not talk about the wedding but since she is the only one in it for bridesmaids I need to to some degree. How can I navigate this time with her so that I don't lose my friendship and be sensitive to her feelings as well?
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 3
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 7:35:34 AM

I am getting married in August.

My condolences.


LOL thanks :)
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 4
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 7:39:45 AM
You shouldn't have to feel bad or walk on eggshells around her. She's making the choice to stay in thatdead-end relationship, no one is forcing her to stay. I think as long as it isn't the only thing you talk about with her then it's perfectly acceptable for you to discuss your wedding. She's a part of it and as your friend she should be happy for you.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 5
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Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 7:44:27 AM

I am getting married in August. My best friend is my maid of honor. She has been becoming more and more distant with me as the day approaches. She is dealing with her own issues with her relationship not going anywhere after 4 years and says that is why she doesn't like to hang around with us anymore because our relationship is moving forward and she feels stupid because she has been in a relationship longer and hers isn't going anywhere and is becoming worse.

I'm sad because I miss her and our friendship. I am trying to purposely not talk about the wedding but since she is the only one in it for bridesmaids I need to to some degree. How can I navigate this time with her so that I don't lose my friendship and be sensitive to her feelings as well?


Congratulations!

You are going to have to let your friend find her own way on this issue. Your issues are your issues, her issues are her issues. You are planning your wedding, and she will have to figure out if she can be a part of it.

You're going to have to find a time and a way to ask her what's going on with her and if she can be a part of your wedding. Don't jump to any assumptions, let her figure that out for herself. Weddings often bring out strong emotions in people and she is going to have to face whatever is bugging her.

Again, congratulations and best wishes on your upcoming marriage. Everything will work out... Be there for your friend but also don't try and own her stuff. Take care of your business and everything else will be fine.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 7
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 8:06:02 AM
On the friendship side of things-- have you had a coffee or a day out with your friend that did not involve a napkin colour or Appitiser choice?

She will not be sleeping with said man, and is somewhat less invested than you are.


We took our kids swimming last week. The details I have asked her about lately is her dress (that she still has not gotten or picked out) and if she liked the flowers I picked out for her. I just picked out my dress alone after texting her and getting no response if she wanted to come and help. I couldn't put off getting one any longer because I had to decide the rest of the colors, clothes for everyone else and it depended on what dress I liked since I am not wearing white. She asked me to try on my dress for her which I did. I am keeping her out of the rest of the details because I don't want to bother her with it.

Well Pig our reception is at a weekend long concert to benefit kids with cancer with local musicians who are are friends so I could probably arrange that :) With me wearing a black wedding dress it would be somewhat fitting lol
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 9
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:07:27 AM
^^^^It is actually a very small wedding. Total of 40 guests. Just her and his best man as the wedding party. His brother is marrying us in a park. The big thing about her being beside me is that she is my best friend. She is the most important female in my life besides my mother and daughter.

I spoke with her. She said she wants nothing more than to help me with the wedding that her heart is sooo happy for me but it just made her see that her relationship has not gone forward as all and she feels herself giving up and slipping away from her boyfriend. She is depressed about her relationship right now. I suggested that we get together to spend some time together just her and I or us with our kids without the men in our lives and I will curb any wedding talk for that time.

I think she is working through her feelings and the communication is more open now that we have talked about things. She sees how I feel and I see how she is feeling. I think things will all work out okay in the end.

Capn - yes I would do that if the situation was reversed. I was in that situation for 4 years being single and being the 3rd wheel when I spent time with her and her boyfriend. I sucked it up and enjoyed their company. I really think she is trying to do that for me as well. Probably in a male friendship this wouldn't even be an issue because it wouldn't be noticed if someone withdrew a bit. I could see that she was really unhappy last week about something. It just takes her awhile to talk about it
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 10
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:23:14 AM
During my divorce I lost friends. If someone brings someone up that my ex and I were friends with I always say he got them in the divorce. It's messed up but it happens sometimes with life changes.

Thanks everyone for the advice and well wishes :)
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 11
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:54:02 AM
She is a selfish B, you think she would be happy for you but no she wants to sulk..find another maid of honor and question your friendship with her.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 12
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:57:11 AM
Black wedding dress..Love it,
Im going to wear a black wedding dress too when I get married....
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 13
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:17:09 AM
Ask her how old she is. This isn't high school. Come awn. Jealous that a relationship is going better than hers? Why doesn't she resolve her situation, possibly in a fish-or-cut bait way, and utilize yours as a benchmark for what's good and what's not in her own?

Some women can get so jealous over petty things! The only thing I could see her wanting to 'distance' from you for good reason would be:
(a) She's rarely out with her guy, but you'd always be with yours, hence, not so keen on being a 3rd wheel every time
(b) You and your guy cake on the PDA with heaping spoonfuls in front of her, while she has to sit and watch, with or without her guy around
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 14
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:35:18 AM

She is dealing with her own issues with her relationship not going anywhere after 4 years and says that is why she doesn't like to hang around with us anymore because our relationship is moving forward and she feels stupid because she has been in a relationship longer and hers isn't going anywhere and is becoming worse.


I've seen more relationships go down the tubes because of an expectation that it proceed at a predetermined pace with regular milestones as if they were managing a project. Whatever happened to taking things as they come?
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 15
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 4:43:54 PM
I thought about the finances thing and I'm not asking her to buy a $200 bridesmaid gown. A simple $20 sundress would be fine and I would foot the bill for it if need be. I am not asking for any showers or any gifts at all either. My invites even say their presence is gift enough. So I don't think its that.

Confident realist she isn't with her boyfriend because she is choosing not to be. She had refused to see him for a month now. We are am affectionate couple but not over the top.

We had a huge blowout this evening because she twisted something I said to hurt her bf. I told her that's whyi didn't want to be brought up in their fights and I try to be neutral about it all which is difficult for me because she is wrong with what she's doing.

We have never fought in 5 yrs. I'm hurt and angry right now.
 Sillyandserious
Joined: 11/16/2011
Msg: 16
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History
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:29:29 PM
All good advice!
Your friend is CHOOSING to stay in the dead-end relationship. If she values your friendship she should be happy for you. She needs to deal with her own issues and be a REAL friend.

I hate to say this...but you might consider passing on the 'Maid of Honor' duties to another Bridesmaid.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 17
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:33:08 PM
Ha ha im far from a bridezilla like that show too. I had shown her way more dedication than I did for him. I spoke my opinion about how she is treating the relationship but I have not told him my feelings that he is right. They aren 't compatible now. He wants a relationship and she is still hanging on to past ones. Saturday she was spending time w an ex boyfriend and refused to see him. He ran into us and vented about their relationship. It put me in an awkward place because I see him in pain and I can't tell him what's going on because its not my business to do so.

She text me and asked me if he was talking about her I explained yes and I tried to remove myself cuz I didn't want to be in the middle. He went to walk around and we saw him leaving. He talked some more and we had to go because my kids were sick. She told him today that we said we left because he was taking to us I guess to make a point or to hurt him...Idk. I told her that was unfair to use me as a dagger to hurt him to make a point and she went off and said she had been there for me through shit and this is how I treat her real nice of me to do that. We haven't spoken since.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 18
Best Friend
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:59:34 PM
I think you're going to need a back-up maid of honor. Please choose someone who isn't a jealous drama queen.


I think I'd agree with that at this point.

On the evil humor side, I could say - if you want her friendship back, don't worry, she'll be back when your marriage deteriorates into something as bad as her relationship. (sorry, just kidding, I couldn't resist - congratulations :-) ).
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 19
Best Friend
Posted: 6/18/2012 7:34:42 PM
Weekend update....

She contacted me on Saturday. She didn't apologize but stated her feelings that I walked away from her when she needed me. She said that I have changed dramatically over the time my fiance and I have been together. I told her I probably have because I am about to take vows to love, honor, respect my fiance and those things mean more to me now. She said I didn't change in the past relationships I was in and I said I probably didn't because they weren't long time in mind and they didn't matter as much to me. She said she would let me know in a week if she wanted to be in my wedding.

Sunday very few texts about her being at a local lake and we had thought about going there so I was asking how the water was. Today a couple texts which I again initiated. I still don't know how I feel about the friendship now. It still feels rather strained.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 20
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Best Friend
Posted: 6/18/2012 7:39:50 PM
Why would you fall for her manipulation? There is no reason you should have to not talk about something so exciting for you and you sure shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for anyone who's suppose to be your friend. All this because she doesn't have the ovaries to dump someone who doesn't want what she wants? Tell her to be your friend or ask her if she wants out of the wedding. You should not be enabling her. Drama Drama Drama Trust me, she's feeding you a load of BS, manipulating you and is not your friend. She's a big ole drama queen and determined to ruin your wedding, don't let her do it.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 21
Best Friend
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:40:13 AM
She feels that I kicked her when she was down (for sticking up for myself and telling her it was wrong what she did) and then I didn't contact her to say I'm sorry. I told her that I tell my kids when they are wrong and then I don't run to them and ask them for forgiveness because I corrected them. She left that convo in a b*tchy note and I figured she would talk to me when she got over it. She also is not taking any responsibility of not being there for me and is saying that she answered every text and was always there for me. This isn't true and I don't think she will say she is sorry for that. My fiance can attest to that fact because many times he would ask if she text back and I would tell him no.

She dumped the boyfriend on Saturday. I feel like I'm trying to put forth an effort. At this point, I have gotten over if she will be/won't be in the wedding. I will stand alone up there and be fine with it.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 22
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Best Friend
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:13:55 AM
This has the potential to become a trainwreck at your wedding. Fnd a new maid of honor if she wants to continue to act like she is in high school still. A wedding for the bride is the day all attention is turned to her, not to the maid of honor's.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 23
Best Friend
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:27:58 AM
I have decided if she chooses to not be a maid of honor then it will just be my fiance and I standing up at the alter. I think it would be disrespectful to ask someone else 45 days before the wedding and I would think they will feel second best and I don't want my other friends to feel that. I am hoping that the Best man takes the news okay. (I'm sure he will be okay with it all since he knows what is going on with the friend and honestly would have been there for my fiance whether he was asked to be best man or not.) He won't be out any money because there is no wedding attire that we haven't purchased and we will return when we make the final decision.

The day will go on whether she decides to be present or not. Will it hurt me? Absolutely, but I am not begging her to be a part of it.
 warmsmiles56
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 24
Best Friend
Posted: 6/19/2012 10:00:37 AM
Daisyrose - only you know your friend, what the friendship means to you, and how much you are willing (or not) to bend in order to keep the friendship. I hope things work out. I have to say though (and this is no judgement on your friend - she is obviously dealing with stuff), that if my friend was making me wait to find out if she was going to participate in my wedding or not, I think I would take that choice away from her, explain why, and hope for the best. This is becoming stressful for you, and it's not right that as your maid of honor, she is creating that stress. Perhaps you could have neither bridesmaid nor best man - that way there would be no obvious gaping hole where the bridesmaid should be standing. It's not fair, but if you have a really understanding fella and best man, it would remove all the stress. Then if she wants to be present for you as a guest, people won't be wondering why she's not standing at the front.

warmsmiles
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 25
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Best Friend
Posted: 6/19/2012 4:29:10 PM
Given the reposts of page 2, you need to just keep on moving. She resents your relationship because she is a jealous person who is also immature. Sounds like the boyfriend is of better quality than she is and I'd hate to be in your position. I had a friend who used to use me to go running around because her husband trusted me to not be in clubs, etc. Her husband was a controlling jerk but I didn't appreciate being used when she wanted to do something that was wrong regardless of what was going on with him.

Sometimes when we take a step back we realize that the friend isn't in a give and take relationship and they are doing nothing but bringing you down. Sounds like you're there and you have no further obligation to anything.


During my divorce I lost friends. If someone brings someone up that my ex and I were friends with I always say he got them in the divorce. It's messed up but it happens sometimes with life changes.


I actually lost a friend similarly 20 years ago. She and another friend of mine who weren't even friends with each other decided during my labor that they apparently did not think I was a good friend. Another gal I was friends with that was a mutual acquaintance decided it would be awkward to maintain friendships with both of us and since she met my friend first, I was the one she chose to cut contact with. I was well rid of the both of them in the labor and delivery scenario and a few years later I wound up renewing the acquaintance with the other friend who apologized for the choice she made at the time.

People are asshats, while it may hurt at the time, you sometimes discover that the person you thought was a friend was an emotional vampire and you are well rid of them.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 26
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Best Friend
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:07:11 PM
OP, you mentioned a mom and sister, couldn't you ask your mom to step in? I can see how your sister might be hurt she wasn't asked to begin with but Mom's expect to pinch hit in almost any situation.

Personally I think they should have maid of honorzilla because I know of a few that have been ditched before the wedding and after watching one of those bride shows with my daughter, no way in hell some of those people would have gotten anywhere near a wedding I was involved in, yikes is right moon :)
 bullie62
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 27
Best Friend
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:49:24 PM
At 38, you'd think you would know your way around communicating your needs to a friend. How are you going to navigate your way through conflict with your husband?

And maybe I'm just old fashioned, but damnit, PICK UP A PHONE AND CALL HER! This texting back and forth, or NOT texting back, is so juvenile. *shakes head*

Communication has become a lost art. Pathetic.......



bullie~
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 28
Best Friend
Posted: 3/1/2017 9:34:36 AM
" How can I navigate this time with her so that I don't lose my friendship and be sensitive to her feelings as well?"



Tell her the good news that you've decided to uninvite her big baby self centered ass to the wedding
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