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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 2
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I largely agree with your assessment. Telling someone "You have plenty of time" is pretty much a cop out, not wanting to admit you have no real advice to give someone.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 3
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:07:14 AM
I've heard it said before that it's the things we don't do that we regret the most. Such a simple statement.. and yet so very profound.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 4
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:08:52 AM
Telling someone they have all the time in the world is not the best way of saying Maybe you should slow down a bit and not be jumping into something before you know more about it and are better prepared to deal with the future.

I can't say I agree with

Even this woman; late 30's, 3 kids, 2 ex-husbands, is not dateable.

A good many women are thier late 30's ( or older ) have a few kids and one or more ex husbands ( or ex LTR's ) - as long as thier expectations and attractiveness are in sync I don't think most of them have any problem getting dates.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:11:15 AM
I had to learn the same lesson. I think the crux of the problem is, that those advising the young person, though they have the right intention, have the entirely wrong way of saying what they should be saying.

What most young people really ought to be advised, in my opinion, is this:

1. DO NOT sit down and wait for anything. Go and do as much as you can.

2. Do not however, expect to have most of what you experience, do other than provide you with all sorts of lessons about yourself, and about life in general.

3. This will all TAKE a great deal of time, and you do HAVE a fair amount of time to take to do it. Be sure that you USE this time, however, don't just watch it tick by.

4. Therefore, do not try to LEAP PAST the necessary experiences you must go through in order to reach your goals, and try to simply "be there." In other words, don't think that you have to choose from amongst your immediate local peers, to have the "forever after mate of your dreams."

That's fairly complicated, and lots of young people wont hold still enough to listen to it, and most older folks are now in a great rush because THEY missed doing too much already, so it all tends to get foreshortened to the erroneous advice you cited.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 10
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:48:19 AM
No point in rushing as I would have been worse off as well.

Now, I can control my fate and I am financially stable to do so to pursue a relationship.
 Triumph800rider
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 15
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 12:01:25 PM
People end up in different places in life. Wait until you are a 40 something divorced guy with middle school age kids and a monthly child support nut. You are going to feel a whole lot like the FWB who, IMO, is probably a good woman who likes you a whole lot but is afraid of having her heart broken again. She's got ten years on you. BUT, here is the kicker. She is capable of breaking your heart. And she just might do it before you ever even realized you loved her. She's not undateable. SHE IS DATING YOU! Just has a whole lot on her plate and can't do more than invite you over to her place to hang out and have a little nookie. Treat her right because her kids won't stay that age forever. Don't call her undateable until she does something to screw up the relationship.

She might be telling herself that in her mind you are just a FWB. But I don't buy it. The women with the emotional makeup to handle a NSA relationship are a tiny minority.

Don't treat her like a f@#* buddy. Treat her like a lover. She may surprise you.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 17
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 3:08:38 PM
When I was 17 (42 years ago), I met the man whom I would marry. We dated for three years. Everyone expected and encouraged us to get married. He really wanted to do so, but I wouldn't give an answer as to when. My family told me that I would not meet anyone better. I believed it.

When I was 20 and he was 21, we got married. We stayed married for 25 years and when I left, I had never lived alone (or with anyone but him and my parents), I had never had sex with another person, never held a full-time job, and had never experienced the world on my own.

When I was 17-20, no one ever said to me, "You are young and have all the time in the world." Perhaps I still would have taken the path I took, but maybe not--especially if it had been my parents who said it.

When you say,
The only concern is would a failed relationship, and possibly kids, and ex-wife be worse that not ever having one in the first place?
you have NO idea of the ramifications of those kids or years wasted in a failing or already failed marriage.

But advice is advice, eh? Your circumstances are different from a woman born in a time when women were still expected to get married, be a housewife, and have kids. Take the advice or leave it--you alone are responsible for your decisions.


It seems in retrospect that had I pursued something at a younger age, I would have much more easily found what I want.


In retrospect of decades, had I not married at such a young age, I would have found someone with whom I were truly compatible and enjoyed a much better partnership. At 20, people are still being "formed."
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 18
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 4:30:33 PM
first of all how dysfunctional a FWB relationship is. The 3 dogs down the street have an FWB.

The advice is great if you are having healthy mature relationships. In todays world where half of people are cheating and the other half are using people for tools to get them to orgasm, then yes the advice would be bad.

Ask all the people in their late 30's and 40's who are going through divorces if you are right.

Try having mature and respectful relationships and the outcomes will be much better.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 19
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 4:42:41 PM
Hey I give that advice alot.
Not as a cop out.
But as a diplomatic way of saying:
"You NEED more time to figure yourself and dating out."

For instance,
if you want a serious relationship,
date girls the same.
A FwB with an older woman....come on...
not serious potential at all.

See?
You need more time.
but lucky you...
you're young.
so have it.
:-P

good luck.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 21
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:23:45 PM

It seems in retrospect that had I pursued something at a younger age, I would have much more easily found what I want


What YOU "thought" you wanted. Correct. What you "want" or think you want at 25 is not what you NEED at 30 or 40.
Can you NOT see the irony of YOUR OWN example?????


Even this woman; late 30's, 3 kids, 2 ex-husbands, is not dateable.


She probably "thought" she wanted something before the kids,when she was younger. How is she doing right now, divorced(TWICE),by herself, with 3 kids???????

Sometimes people do make me laugh.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:31:35 PM

Actually, this one has been through enough and has her head on straight as far as detachment is concerned, we just have a little convo, some sex, and that's it until I need some again. There are some women that HAVE thought that giving up the V would change my mind, but this one knows full well, and has no misgivings. There is no way I would date a woman with all that past, not to mention she is snipped. I am still 100% that I will be having my child along a women who is also having her first, there are no other options, barring a mishap.

As with every single FWB I have ever had, we don't go out, we don't date.


So let me get this straight - you're in a FWB relationship with a woman who doesn't actually want anything more, but you're fine with continuing to f**k her even though you really want more, yet the women that "HAVE thought that 'giving up the V' would change your mind", ie - who want more, aren't for you and you just use them for sex... and "with every single FWB you've ever had" (how many is that now?) you don't go out, date, etc.

Honestly sounds to me like you're too busy looking to get laid, and not focusing on the relationship you say you really want. Maybe its just 'my age', but I really don't know of a lot of women who are looking to form a 'lasting relationship' with a guy who's got all these FWB's floating around.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 23
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:33:50 PM

I've heard it said before that it's the things we don't do that we regret the most. Such a simple statement.. and yet so very profound.



~OP~ I have never agreed with that sentiment. The thing I've noticed about many who I have heard say that? Generally at some point in time, they are the same people who speak of "the one that got away." I'm not sure why I noticed that some years ago, but it correlated. Me? I have a whole different view on life/love/loss and all things in between. I believe you should love deeply and often. And no, this does not mean just romantic love. I mean you should love the outdoors, family/friends, pets, have passions/hobbies that you love, actually FEEL the life you're living. One of the things that goes along with that? Falling in love with someone that loves you back. Even if it's only for a while. I know for a fact, life is very short. I never want to look back and wonder, "What if....." JMO
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 24
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:53:17 PM

What YOU "thought" you wanted. Correct. What you "want" or think you want at 25 is not what you NEED at 30 or 40.
Can you NOT see the irony of YOUR OWN example?????


Yup.

I forgot to ask earlier--why is the FWB not "dateable"? Did I miss that?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 25
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:00:33 PM
I mean you should love the outdoors, family/friends, pets, have passions/hobbies that you love, actually FEEL the life you're living. One of the things that goes along with that? Falling in love with someone that loves you back. Even if it's only for a while.


The problem isn't loving often or as much as ya can,,,,it's the expectations that it's gonna be a "life" long love. Sure love, but do not believe it's like the fairy tales and last forever. And do know, that with love lost, will come pain. Pain creates bitterness when "understanding" is not possible(maturity). At our ages greeneyes, it's easy to say, but with the young ones, they still believe that lifelong partners are pickable,doable very early in their lives. I still say horse ca ca.

Too much is expected and required of an individual as they grow and live in our North American society to gain the skills required to be a PRODUCTIVE member of this society, while STILL trying to maintain a young budding potentially "long term" relationship.(they take WORK, proven by many,more and more everyday) Sure, have "fun", "love", but when doing so, understand that more than likely, it ain't gonna be there in the "end".
 Dili_gent
Joined: 1/8/2011
Msg: 28
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:08:28 PM

You're young, you have time


Isn't this phrase precluded by an extended period of whining about how nobody loves me, I'm a loser, there is no hope for me?

The person who makes the statement is tired of listening to your drivel and wants to extricate themself from further torture.

P.S. If a person "settles" for multiple FWB situations they are hiding from the possiblity of finding a fulfilling relationship. Duh
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 29
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:22:51 PM

The problem isn't loving often or as much as ya can,,,,it's the expectations that it's gonna be a "life" long love. Sure love, but do not believe it's like the fairy tales and last forever. And do know, that with love lost, will come pain. Pain creates bitterness when "understanding" is not possible(maturity). At our ages greeneyes, it's easy to say, but with the young ones, they still believe that lifelong partners are pickable,doable very early in their lives. I still say horse ca ca.

Maybe so. Maybe some of us are just "made" to think differently because no one needed to tell me a broken heart was going to hurt. Nor did anyone need to tell me it would heal. All I know for a fact in this regard is that I did my fair share of preaching my attitude to my son and he lived large, loved deeply and often. When he died, it solidified to me, that nothing is forever. But we can make enough memories to last forever, even in a reasonably short period of time, if we choose to do so.

Too much is expected and required of an individual as they grow and live in our North American society to gain the skills required to be a PRODUCTIVE member of this society, while STILL trying to maintain a young budding potentially "long term" relationship.(they take WORK, proven by many,more and more everyday) Sure, have "fun", "love", but when doing so, understand that more than likely, it ain't gonna be there in the "end".

I'm sorry ~ I just don't get the "think the worst ~ hope for the best" stuff. There's nothing wrong with someone believing in fairy tales, happy endings, eternity with some perceived "soul mate" or whatever one wishes to hope for. I see no reason to spew about the heartaches that life hands us. And I have the utmost faith that the youth of today is just as capable of handling maturing as I was, or as my Mother was, or as my Granny was. Times have changed, but turning into and adult is still just an evolutionary fact. The youngsters of today will be just fine, whether disillusioned by thoughts of every lasting love or not. JMO
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 30
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:46:52 PM

It's not even about time. It's about opportunity.

How many people on these forums complain about how hard it is to find the right "one?" Most of them. So, why, if you've found a valid candidate, would anybody choose to wait longer, thinking, Oh, I have time?"


How many of us found the "right one" and decided not to wait longer and then found out he/she wasn't the right one after all?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 31
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 7:25:17 PM
No one said to live your life in a way that makes you undatable, but trying to be serious before you are mature enough, will only leave you with a trail of regret and kids and ending up undatable. Be serious, if you made yourself into something no one wants, that's on you, not on people telling you the truth...that most young people aren't ready to be in serious relationships.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 34
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/12/2012 9:14:12 PM
^Yeah, and now (at least according to POF) you're over 30, never married, and no kids... so there "must be something wrong with you".
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 37
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/13/2012 4:38:03 AM
You are 29, I had my first kid when I was 27, I have 3, in what way have you missed the boat particularly given that most men wind up married to women who are the same age or slightly younger.

It sounds to me like you are waiting for the perfect woman rather than someone who is suited to you, that compliment each other, and can be happy.

If you really want the picket fence and kiddies, quit banging your FWB and really start looking and you might want to reconsider your undatable list because it sounds like it's stupid.

Why is your FWB not datable? If her ex-husbands are nuts or the kids are going all hog wild, that would make her undatable, not that she had the ex's and the kids, there are plenty of women with 2 ex's and three kids that would be a wonderful addition to anyone's life.

Women are marrying later, particularly educated women consequently how then do you have zero dating pool? Pfft

Maybe you can't find a quality person because the quality people don't want to be around some azzhat that considers children baggage.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 38
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/13/2012 4:49:37 AM
There's nothing wrong with someone believing in fairy tales, happy endings, eternity with some perceived "soul mate" or whatever one wishes to hope for. I see no reason to spew about the heartaches that life hands us.


Ahhhhh, fairy tales are just that. There is a difference between telling someone to believe, to follow your dreams, to sieze the moment, than it is to believe some storybook tale and "happily ever afters". And there is also a difference between "spewing" about the heartaches of life, and explaining the "reality" of it all.(pssssssssst,,,,marriage ISN'T always forever or really a TRUE commitment!!! tis true)

My biggest beef about the young ones "searching" for their one, is their "reasoning" behind it when you ask them what they are thinking. It comes out that they are "lonely"(Probably FOREVER!!!!!!?????) ,NEED a man/woman, WANT to get married(again ask them why!!!!!), think they will be "completed" by another,etc, all the while before they hit the age of 30. If the 40 is the new 30, why wouldn't we be thinking that 20 is the new 10, or that 30 is the new 20?????? Cause, in the reality of it all, it basically is. Our young ones are required to hang around our homes a little longer than we use to, just so they can get on their feet and they can face the world. Again, if we are shoving back timelines in every other area of our young ones lives, why wouldn't it be true for their romantic/love lives??????
I have always been of the thinking that when we enter a "partnership" of any sort with a person, I should be bringing something to the table. I should be "adding" something, not just "expecting" or "requiring" something from this partnership. I do NOT think for one minute that some of these young ones are yet ABLE to add just yet, when they have yet to find the person that they are(or could be).
If ya want examples, our forums here give us many. Check out "broken hearts" and the posts started by the young ones. Confused and lost,not only in the romantic arena, but in their very own souls. Alllllllll before the ripe old age of the 30!!!!!

Edit


Uh. No? Kinda wanted an actual g/f at 25, pretty much NEED one at 30, while I still look good enough, they still look enough, and I still have hair.


And here we have an example of someone at the age of 30 who STILL DOESN'T "get it". And lo and behold, it's the OP!!!!!!! With his words I think we can all assume he wasn't following ANY advice at all the last 30 years, he's just got what he was giving(or not). Reread OP the part that I said you must bring something to the table in a relationship. Having "hair" ain't gonna cut it. Sorry.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 39
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/13/2012 7:51:45 AM
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." ~ George Bernard Shaw

I don't have much of a problem with your observations: there is a sizable (astonishing?) group of twenty-somethings who have kids and exes that now make them (according to your construct) "undateable". You are faced with the male biological clock ticking (it's nonsense that only women have this) and are concerned about how do I know we genuinely are 'it' for each other vs they are a 'good enough' vehicle to getting me the marriage/family I want .

Where I have a problem is having made these observations, you are stuck on wanting the world to line up how you want it to, rather than adjusting your goals/constructs to meet the reality you live in. (and oddly enough, that's the same complaint you have about the "lot's of time" advice).

You have to decide which is more important to you... finding your life partner may involve changing the rules you have manufactured.

And BTW, if you are fully occupied with meaningless sex you aren't available for something different. Do you have the time to squander on stuff that isn't in alignment for where you want your life to go?

edit to add: The OP's quest to find someone who hasn't been "marred" in life reminds me of the quest years ago where some men demanded a virgin ~ just an observation.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 40
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/13/2012 7:57:53 AM
The original posters profile states he wants to "hang out". It is clear you are not a hurry if you just want to hang out.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 43
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/13/2012 3:44:46 PM

Its more an issue of, the longer it takes, the less available women there are.


Starting to see the "issue" with every word ya type actually. WHAT have you done in the last 10 years that has made YOURself worthy of what you are looking for or seem to require????? Other than phucking a bunch of women that you really don't want a longterm relationship with that is.

THAT is the issue. Nuttin else.
 Womac911
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 45
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You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/13/2012 11:14:10 PM
At 40, I'm no longer young, and quickly running out of time. I want a family.
When I got married in 2003, my wife was 9 years younger than I. What I got was the "I'm young, we still have time" -- from my wife. After she went off her birth control, we discovered she wasn't able to have children.
We divorced in 2009. Not because of the inability.

So now, at 40, I'm finding it difficult to find a woman who: A) is young enough to have and wants children. B) Does not already have children (which isn't a prerequisite). C) CAN have children .. D) Isn't crazy, jaded, bitter, or selfish,

I'm no longer young.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.