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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > "I don't understand how you could feel that way"      Home login  
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 Wild_man_in_the_woods
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 1
"I don't understand how you could feel that way"Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Does anyone else find it to be absolutely crazymaking when you are in a committed relationship and you try to respectfully and clearly express the way you feel about something and the person responds with "I don't understand how you could feel that way" and then acts as if everything's fine?

I am NOT trying to suggest that any person will ever always feel the same/ agree about everything with any other human being- we're all different in myriad ways. I'm talking about the basic ability for someone to hold in their mind and respectfully recognize that the person they are with is expressing a practical or emotional need and it (a) at least needs to not be invalidated; and (b) should be an opportunity for dialogue and hopefully, deeper understanding of one another, finding mutually agreeable resolutions, etc.

When someone repeatedly does this while also making every effort to prolong the relationship, is it simply emotional cluelessness of intergalactic proportions, or is it some subconscious passive-agressive way of seeking drama as a proxy for connection?
 NVMinerMan
Joined: 6/2/2012
Msg: 2
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:09:59 PM
were not supposed to feel anything. thats why they dont understand. makes sense to me.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 3
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I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:24:14 PM
it could be either of the reasons you mentioned. or even a little bit of both with some other stuff thrown in.

pretty much if i encounter a person who behaves that way, it is a short term thing. lack of good communication is a no go because communication is paramount to me.

i think you should consider, not what that person is doing when they do that, but more, what do you get from it and whether you can continue to deal with it.

kaylee
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 4
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/17/2012 5:11:12 AM

I don't understand how you could feel that way"


The line I get is " I don't understand how you could THINK that way", so yeah, it's a matter of being on the same page. Thus, one of the main reasons I am single. At least that's what I tell myself anyways.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/17/2012 5:38:39 AM
Condescending, lacking empathy, dismissive with a smidge of narcissism in such a response. The user can conveniently avoid real confrontation, has deflected attention from the subject at hand, and at all costs must also avoid any self-assessment.

You could spend the rest of your life wondering why people do this but realistically, if you're dealing with this they are very unlikely to change and you can consider it a perk; help in finding out early you are unsuited so that you can move on to a more rational and productive relationship.

People who care about you and are secure in themselves will validate your feelings without understanding them because they care about you. Understanding is a bonus
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/17/2012 5:52:46 AM
I think you need to be more specific, in order to sort this out.

There are plenty of things that any couple CAN have opposite opinions and concerns about, and still have a fabulous and rewarding life together. At the other end of this, there are things which if they differ even an angstrom over, might be downright poisonous to their remaining together.

If someone specifically seems to completely ignore, or fail to comprehend and appreciate significant elements of you that are central to your self image, or to your life-path, while still claiming to want to prolong the relationship, then whether they are simply too different from you for things to work out, or they are in a self-delusional state of some sort. Either way, it's not a good thing.

I wouldn't call it intergalactic, though. Nor would "some subconscious passive-agressive way of seeking drama as a proxy for connection" be among my top five suspicions. More likely, your idea of "clearly express" doesn't actually coincide with the other person's background experiences, such they actually understood what you were saying.

By this time in my own life, it is no longer "crazymaking" when I run into it, just disappointing.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 7
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I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/17/2012 7:57:49 AM

Does anyone else find it to be absolutely crazymaking when you are in a committed relationship and you try to respectfully and clearly express the way you feel about something and the person responds with "I don't understand how you could feel that way" and then acts as if everything's fine?

I had an ex who'd do this, then behave as if I were nuts to feel the way I did. He once told me that he felt that if he "understood" how I felt, that meant he'd have to agree with me and change something about himself. For him, understanding me amounted to him being wrong in some way. He didn't seem to get that he could understand without agreeing or that understanding someone else's feelings didn't automatically make him wrong.

When someone repeatedly does this while also making every effort to prolong the relationship, is it simply emotional cluelessness of intergalactic proportions, or is it some subconscious passive-agressive way of seeking drama as a proxy for connection?

In hindsight, I believe it was an indication of insecurity. Or, maybe narcissim - he had some other traits that fit that definition as well. Whatever his problem was, I found it very disheartening and confusing during the relationship, but toward the end it got much worse, and seemed to be part of a concerted effort to drive me away without taking any responsibility for his actions, and claiming to still love me and want the relationship to continue. That last six months was literally crazy-making, I think it was akin to gaslighting. My advice would be to avoid such a person at all costs.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 8
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/17/2012 11:56:18 AM
How they feel about................what? Something is pretty vague. Is it why you like vanilla ice cream over butter pecan? It is why you won't buy a Ford? Or is it why do you talk to your family about our relationship? Lots of things it could be.

You can only explain your feelings the best way you know how. If the other person doesn't understand, they don't. I think it's more a matter of why than how, but understanding is built brick by brick it doesn't come with a snap of a finger. Also there's acceptance, if you don't understand something can you accept that's how they feel? If not, that'll be a sort spot that could fester. Sometimes you just have to let things be and maybe one day understanding will come in time.

Just because you've spent a lot of time with someone it doesn't automatically equate to knowing them well.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 9
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/17/2012 2:10:17 PM
it depends.

We don't know what the issue is.
So are you sure you are not just being a silly girl?

Is it an issue of importance?
or just concern about the plight of African butterflies?

Perhaps ask:
Why he doesn't feel the same way you do about it.
Or even better ask how does he feel about it.
(and if you want him to respect your feelings on it,
best respect his answer and lack of feelings on it as well)

Sometimes we don't commit to our best match.
So we have to work alittle harder to bridge the gap.
That gap will never go away though.

however, if the other side is pleasant enuff...
who cares.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 10
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/17/2012 3:26:21 PM
Sorry.
got the genders confused.

I really shouldn't type in too many threads at once.
But the other remarks still apply.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 11
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/18/2012 9:35:17 AM

Condescending, lacking empathy, dismissive with a smidge of narcissism in such a response. The user can conveniently avoid real confrontation, has deflected attention from the subject at hand, and at all costs must also avoid any self-assessment.

Yep, well put. One flavor of a someone suffering from passive-aggressive disorder. They just roll that way and don't want to 'deal' with anything, and they really just live in their own bubble when it comes down to it.
 rprs
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 12
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I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/18/2012 10:05:58 AM
i had same problem, i told my ex this,i think i just wanted to talk about it, explain why we feel such ways, she couldnt do that
 Wild_man_in_the_woods
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 13
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/18/2012 7:45:44 PM
Thanks everyone.

I don't really want to delve into the specifics of the issues that the differences were over, but it wasn't cap on the toothpaste stuff. It was stuff that was blatantly inconsiderate of straightforward needs that I had clearly expressed and that most people, if I explained the specifics, would find familiar and not unreasonable- nearly common sense. Also compulsive self-destructive behavior on the part of the person, but a refusal to see it as either compulsive or self destructive- and the self-destruction on their part was having and would continue to have "collateral damage" on me, my family, and the future. And it wasn't for lack of sincere, repeated efforts on my part to explain what/ how I felt and why.

It's not that I expected the person to unconditionally salute and agree; I at least expected some effort on her part to grok that I might have a perspective or concerns that were different from hers, and that we needed to find a way to resolve.

I pulled the pin on this situation anyways.

I think that the people who voted narcissism nailed something.

I've just never experienced narcissism in the passively denial-oriented manifestation like this before, and it was wrapped in a package that was in other regards warm and charming, so it snuck in below the radar in a way that was not apparent at all in earlier stages.

I didn't just dodge a bullet, I dodged a large asteroid.
 Wild_man_in_the_woods
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 15
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/19/2012 7:09:11 AM
Wow. Amazing the assumptions some people will make to jump to negative conclusions.

The relationship was over long before I made the first post;

I just was issued in discussing and learning the dynamic that I'd experienced, not the stage that the relationship was at, or had some time ago ceased to be at.

"Petty little Ayatollah's / Come around to judge and stone ya..." - Cracker
 Wild_man_in_the_woods
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 16
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/19/2012 7:12:29 AM
[a Princess Complex, with severe Entitlement Issues.]

Those were definite parts of the dynamic I ran into as well. Appeared to have simple and sustainable expectations until I'd undertaken serious commitments, at which time her entitlement issues and total lack of impulse control took off like wildfire.
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 17
I don't understand how you could feel that way
Posted: 6/19/2012 7:24:05 AM
OP Did you swallow a dictionary? I cannot fathom what the hell you are saying and your profile appears to be the same.
I'm blonde and Australian so can you please keep it simple?
Now what is your question exactly in little words, not myriad, invalidated, dialogue, intergalactic?... sheesh! passive agressive, proxy...What The?
If you expressed yourself to me using this foreign language then I would respond in the same manner as the poor person you are choking with your over the top intellegence!
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