Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I want a quick "first meet", he wants a leisurely dinner!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Portlanderr
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 1
I want a quick "first meet", he wants a leisurely dinner! Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Over the past several months I have been asked out by men who DON'T want a casual first meet, like coffee, a drink, a walk, etc. They insist that our first time meeting is a date and they want to go to a nice restaurant for dinner. So we argue back and forth a bit, with me insisting on coffee or a walk, and occasionally I will compromise and have lunch. Their reasoning is they don't think we can get to know each other over coffee or a drink. I explain to them that if we don't hit it off then we can part ways after a short amount of time, and if we do hit it off, then we can extend our meet, or make an official "date" to see each other again. Some men have just flat out disagreed with this.

Ladies, have you noticed this? Or gentlemen, do you insist on dinner as a first date vs the quick meet?

I did do a search on this subject, and there are many comments about it, but it's what I've noticed recently.
 cityfangels77
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 2
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:19:24 PM
i read your forum . i guess you shoudl luck they want a nice dinner . i get guys that just want a quick and most fo the time its a quick in bed . .. so i gues if i was you . take it that a guy wants to spend time with you and a dinner sounds good
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 3
view profile
History
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:26:26 PM
I always prefer dinner over coffee and a walk when possible. If a woman was not open to dinner, I would settle for coffee or a walk, but it was far from my first preference.

You learn alot about a woman from a sit down dinner. How she comports herself, her choice in foods and drink, whether she looks at you or is distracted, whether she's comfortable in crowds, how she handles dead time (waiting for a table), whether she's nervous or not (the drive over can tell you alot), how she treats the waiter/waitress, and how she looks in a nice outfit vs jeans or shorts. There's other things but those are trade secrets. :)

However, I just assume I'm so charming that a woman will enjoy my company even if we don't click.

I never heard any complaints, if anything I would recieve complements on how enjoyable the conversation and evening was, even when we didn't click in terms of chemistry...
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 4
view profile
History
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:33:23 PM
No I haven't. I think most of the men I've connected with are fine with meeting for a drink. I don't usually do the coffee thing. There is a restaurant/bar near where I live and we meet there at 3pm on a Sat. -after lunch, before dinner. I usually explain in advance that I'm hosting a dinner party and I have time for a drink. They get it and are fine with it.

The only time I've felt pressure is when they want to meet immediately..like tomorrow. I can't usually do that. I'm not sure what they think is going to happen if they wait a couple of days.

I had a odd experience a few months ago. This very nice guy contacts me and it turns out we both really liked a particular author. So we talk about this at length on the phone. We're both open to meeting. Until I find out, that he doesn't actually live downtown , I had stated clearly it was a dating prerequisite in my profile, he just moved to suburbia. So, I told him it was off. Well, he runs through all the reasons why I should disregard what I want and how I should met him. I say no.
He then says ' I'm giving you 24 hours to change your mind" I explained I didn't need 24 hours my mind was made up. Sigh!
 ColeenAnn
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 5
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:33:37 PM
I’m with you Silver … ALWAYS do a Meet n’ Greet first time out. There’s nothing worse than being on a long, drawn out date with someone you have no connection with once you meet them in person. (Yes, it’s happened and I regret it.) If a man insists on a dinner date, just say “we’ll have a drink beforehand and if we hit it off THEN we can go to dinner.”
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 6
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:41:43 PM
If a guy doesn't respect your wishes from the start what can you expect down the road?

Stick to your guns. Besides, if the casual meet goes well you can always have the first date ASAP.
 Abbbey12345
Joined: 5/22/2012
Msg: 7
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:49:25 PM
If you spent a while on the phone and enjoyed the conversation, dinner will not be uncomfortable. The worst that will happen is there is no sparks.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:53:26 PM
Ohhhhh No no no!!!! LOL! I don't put that much effort into a "first meet". Dinner at a nice restraunt requires, shaving your legs, dressing up, wearing makeup, doing something with your hair.....LOL! No way am I doing that for someone I haven't met yet. But I agree with you, I've met for a cup of coffee...and ended up going some place else to grab a casual dinner because we both were enjoying the conversation too much to end it. LOL! I've also gone home between the coffee and dinner to get fancied up because he seemed worth the effort!

I'm always "suspicious" of men who want you to commit to a "longer date" sight unseen, EXCEPT that in the case of someone who lives a distance away, and who you may have been talking to for a while....in those cases, a "dinner date" for the first meet makes sense.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 9
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:56:45 PM
I have done the dinner as a first meet thing, and vastly prefer a simple coffee or a walk. The latter is waaaay less awkward if you aren't interested. I can't imagine why anyone would rather a long drawn out and expensive 'not interested'- but to each their own.

I know that there are women who date for a 'free meal', but this is the men insisting, so I don't get it. Old fashioned maybe.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 10
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:59:12 PM
I think it depends upon how comfortable you have become with the person. I know that in some instances I have exchanged enough e-mails and such that I wouldn't have any problem sharing a meal...much to talk about.
In other cases, if we haven't had that much contact than I would opt for coffee or a drink to begin with. In many cases wehave agreed upon that and then have ended up sharing a meal.

...mae
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 11
view profile
History
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:01:11 PM
I think it goes along with the age bracket I'm in ... men my age in my location generally want at least a lovely lunch, more often a nice dinner ... and they generally insist on paying even tho I'm perfectly capable of paying my own way ... I think it's part of their charm and old-fashioned manners that requires they pay ... and I'm ok with that ... if there's a second date, I try to pay ... and, yes, it requires the leg shaving, pedicure, what to wear? how to fix my hair? etc. ... but that's part of the fun for me! I like the anticipation ... the "what if?" ...
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 12
view profile
History
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:10:29 PM

If a guy doesn't respect your wishes from the start what can you expect down the road?

Stick to your guns. Besides, if the casual meet goes well you can always have the first date ASAP.


There's a difference between respecting someone's wishes and ignoring your own preferences. It means the woman can expect the guy to voice his own preferences as well as consider hers.

Coffee, drinks, dinner, drinks and dinner all can work. However, I'm of the belief that if you really want to get to know someone you want a clear block of time set aside for conversation.

Yes, dinner is more expensive, but it's worth it to have the opportunity to really get to know someone.

Of course, I also make clear to the woman that if she isn't enjoying herself or she isn't feeling us click, to please let me know. I'm not the slightest bit insulted if she doesn't feel a spark or she wants to call an evening short any more than I would expect her to be insulted if I did the same. I have never actually cut a dinner short, but I have informed dates that they seem nice but that I'm just not feeling any mutual attraction.

It's worked just fine for me. :)
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 13
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:16:53 PM

Dinner at a nice restaurant requires, shaving your legs, dressing up, wearing makeup, doing something with your hair


I think I'll just stick to paying for the dinner and be happy about it.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 14
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:19:31 PM

Or gentlemen, do you insist on dinner as a first date


I never insist on dinner as a first date, but if she wants to prepare one, I am not going to turn it down. (I will bring the wine)
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 15
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:29:40 PM
My experience with those type of men was that they were far better quality..However that has been my experience.. I cannot understand why you would argue back and forth about it though.. That to me would mean no meeting at all if that happened..but I am not one to refuse to meet him at a restaurant and enjoy a nice salad..
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 16
view profile
History
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:34:04 PM
Ohhhhh No no no!!!! LOL! I don't put that much effort into a "first meet". Dinner at a nice restraunt requires, shaving your legs, dressing up, wearing makeup, doing something with your hair.....LOL! No way am I doing that for someone I haven't met yet. But I agree with you, I've met for a cup of coffee...and ended up going some place else to grab a casual dinner because we both were enjoying the conversation too much to end it. LOL! I've also gone home between the coffee and dinner to get fancied up because he seemed worth the effort!


Just out of curiousity, how much effort would you expect from the guy on a first meet in terms of his appearance, clothing and hygiene?

Also, if you met someone under RL circumstances like a bar or other outing, gave them your phone number and they invited you to dinner, would you still be as insistant on coffee and drinks vs dinner?

Honestly, I don't think I can recall the last time I met a woman in RL who turned me down on a drinks and dinner invitation for a first date... though it sure seemed to happen a fair bit on POF....
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 17
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:37:38 PM
there is something about coffee meet and greets that is not very comfortable to me.
maybe its the atmosphere.
a coffee date is more of something that I do with a girlfreind or a man who is my friend.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 18
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:39:25 PM

There's a difference between respecting someone's wishes and ignoring your own preferences. It means the woman can expect the guy to voice his own preferences as well as consider hers.

Coffee, drinks, dinner, drinks and dinner all can work. However, I'm of the belief that if you really want to get to know someone you want a clear block of time set aside for conversation.

Yes, dinner is more expensive, but it's worth it to have the opportunity to really get to know someone.

Of course, I also make clear to the woman that if she isn't enjoying herself or she isn't feeling us click, to please let me know. I'm not the slightest bit insulted if she doesn't feel a spark or she wants to call an evening short any more than I would expect her to be insulted if I did the same. I have never actually cut a dinner short, but I have informed dates that they seem nice but that I'm just not feeling any mutual attraction.

It's worked just fine for me. :)


Now this how a gentleman acts.. He has no knowledge that I am a vegan usually so when I order a salad he will usually suggest something more filling.. I then let him know I am vegan and will check out the soups.. All the gentleman I have met this way although not a love connection were fine gentleman indeed. I have never cut the dinner short in fact enjoyed the conversation very much.. It was never ever a disappointment to me, was glad to have met them..
 pfif
Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 19
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:45:48 PM
EDIT: wanderer, melody and nativerock all got one in while I wrote this one. ;)


The negotiation that happens when setting up the date (this is 10+ years ago, prior to either of our 40th birthdays; and so, a different context) seemed quite brief to me. If it had seemed like a contest of wills, that by itself would be troubling to me.

And then you still have to go through with it, with the memory of that note of discord.

Brave new world.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 20
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 3:21:40 PM

there is something about coffee meet and greets that is not very comfortable to me.
maybe its the atmosphere.


Thank you!.

I'm not the only one after all.
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 21
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 3:57:12 PM
I've always done first dates- not meets.

I don't talk to someone once for 3 minutes to determine if want to go on a date with him or not. If I have interest, we have quite a few talks on the phone and get to know each other a bit. I also don't treat it like online dating.
I've met incredibly great men as a result and had a good time on any first date I've been on-

I can't really see why you can't accept his offer of dinner and why any arguing may have occurred. It's an opportunity to meet someone new, hopefully have some great conversation, enjoy yourself, and not be concerned with how much he may wow you or not. I would at least graciously compromise the lunch as mentioned, or something else that works for both of you.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 22
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 4:11:32 PM
I prefer just a drink or coffee meet the first time, but I don't think I'd argue about it.

Assuming this is someone you'd like to meet, having a meal out is not such a bad thing. Even if you don't have sparks, it's really no big deal.

I've done it both ways -- several times -- and though there were many I never saw a second time, it was never so awkward that I was sorry I met them.

Practice some tolerance and just let them take the lead if they insist... about dinner, anyway :)
 vito333444
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 23
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 4:26:35 PM
i enjoy the coffee or the drink, because there is always a restaurant within, wait for it....."walking" distance. Besides, and i've only done it once because i just had to, got up, put $20 on the table, said that will cover our drinks and a tip, and walked. You cant do that at dinner, and when you need to, price-less
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 24
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 4:32:57 PM
I agree with you OP.
a meetup first time is better than a dinner.

but if they insist.....
why not enjoy the meal.
Just don't stay for drinks after-wards
if not attracted.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 25
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 6/26/2012 5:12:58 PM
I honestly don't "get" this dinner thingy either. I prefer drinks. Lots of em. And not any of those girly,off coloured drinks with umbrellas in the glasses.(who the phuck orders those anyways?????) Straight whiskey. No ice. 6 or 7 of those and I'll be ready for the ride home. Or,really for that matter, I'll take a ride where ever.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I want a quick "first meet", he wants a leisurely dinner!