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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship      Home login  
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 PaminSD
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 1
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationshipPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Just wondering...should you find out if a potential date/relationship is sexually compatible BEFORE going through the courting process. In other words, hop in the sac and see if you ya'll click in bed and figure out the rest afterwards?
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 2
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 9:32:19 AM
I prefer to determine overall compatibility first, and then see if there's chemistry and sexual compatibility. Usually, the overall compatibility can be determined largely by email, chatting, and phone conversations before meeting. I don't think sex on the first date is a good idea overall, but there are occasional exceptions. However, within a few weeks and/or a few dates, if the chemistry exists and compatibility seems confirmed, then I think it's appropriate to find out about sexual compatibility. Of course, even if you are sexually compatible, it does not mean the relationship will succeed as it takes at least 6 to 12 months to really know a person well enough to make that kind of commitment.

Bottom line: find out within the first few weeks at most.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 3
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 9:37:42 AM
but there are many other aspects of a relationship equally or more important.

name them!

Absolutely get into bed BEFORE you allow yourself to get attached. (thinking you might be "in love").

Just make sure that you want to hop in the sack first.
Do you LIKE the fellow, are you sure?

If you're not compatible in bed, friend zone him. If you are...move slowly falling in love and enjoy.
 PaminSD
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 4
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 9:58:17 AM
Wow, that is interesting, the women want to try out the merchandise first and the men want to wait...
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 5
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 10:10:53 AM
Isn't that what dating is all about? Discovering whether you are sexually as well as personality compatible? Don't the two go hand in hand?
 PaminSD
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 6
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 10:27:42 AM
Yes, the two do go hand in hand, but to find out if you are sexually compatible FIRST and then find out if you are compatible in other ways was my question. In other words, if there is phenomenal sex, then everything else will work out...
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 7
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 10:44:39 AM
Great sex is not a good basis for a relationship! Great sex too soon is a trap. It traps you into ignoring red flags, flaws, personality disorders, and all kinds of other incompatibilities because you're caught in the hormonal fog of lust.

At least the exploration should be toned back enough to use your brain to also determine compatibility. Otherwise, a few months later you'll probably wonder why you were so stupid! Some people can't keep a rational perspective when they are blinded by desire.

Edit: Most men will also be glad to have sex, just to have sex, with no cares about compatibility unless they are seeking a relationship at the time. Even then, most will happily enjoy sex even if there is no relationship potential or compatibility, as long as there is physical attraction. So, determining sexual compatibility is fine if you have no further expectations or hopes, and consider good sex its own reward. As a path to determining compatibility for a relationship, it's very one-dimensional.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 8
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:08:20 AM
well, of course
our sexuality, our sex drive, is a very important part of who we are as a person
just as important as anything else
that makes us an individual
our culture does not place as much value on this side of us
sadly, marriages are broken,children hurt, all because people did not take their sexuality,and drive, into account
sexual compatibility, is not any more or less important then any other compatibility, friendship, love, ambition, and so on...
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 9
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:08:29 AM
well, of course
our sexuality, our sex drive, is a very important part of who we are as a person
just as important as anything else
that makes us an individual
our culture does not place as much value on this side of us
sadly, marriages are broken,children hurt, all because people did not take their sexuality,and drive, into account
sexual compatibility, is not any more or less important then any other compatibility, friendship, love, ambition, and so on...
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 10
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:15:45 AM
It's an important part of a healthy relationship.

When you want to find out is up to the individual.

I've had sex at the start, middle and late. As long as both of us were willing. comfortable and clearly understood the context, that was the time.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 11
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:20:09 AM
You should go for emotional compatibility first. Looking for sexual compatibility make you sounds desperate for sex or just here for sex. Unless you are looking for hook up don't worry too much about sex.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 12
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:38:02 AM
sex, sexuality,and drive are just as important as any other single reason, to get in any realationship
our culture, and society, does not place enough value on it
I am not saying sexual compatibility, is in any way more important than, friendship,finances,love,interests
but it is as important
but to only base anything on one thing is not wise...
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 13
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:51:48 AM

Wow, that is interesting, the women want to try out the merchandise first and the men want to wait..


Sorry, but I don't consider wanting to have sex with a person whom I like and desire a derogatory thing, like "checking out the merchandise". It's not even sexually adventurous if you ask me. Just practical.
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 14
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 12:12:57 PM
am i the only person left in the world that thinks that if you honestly love someone.....the sex is gonna be great?
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 15
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 12:21:02 PM
am i the only person left in the world that thinks that if you honestly love someone.....the sex is gonna be great?


Doubt you're the only one, it's just not a universal opinion.

Sex with the one you love is nearly always emotionally satisfying. As for whether it's the "best" sex you'll ever have, unless you happened to marry the most skilled Lover you've ever had, then it's just not going to be true.

I loved my ex-wife.
I love my ex-girlfriend.

As much as I love them, their sexual skills aren't on the level of the best Lovers I've ever had. The interesting part is I really don't care. They're "good enough" for me to be happy.

Which is overall a rather far place from Bad sex. A poorly skilled Lover, whether you are in love with them or not, doesn't change the fact that they are a poorly skilled Lover.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 16
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 12:48:41 PM
Well I am not one for random sexual encounters
but I can tell the difference between ,making love, and having great sex
both are needed, to make a good relationship
 milehiguy12
Joined: 5/9/2012
Msg: 17
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 2:02:04 PM
I think it depends on your priority list. Everything on your list is important but somethings more so. Does great sex make up for an average personality? Does great sex make up for average looks? Does great sex make up for a lower earning potential? Each person has their own list and as we all know relationships are give and take. Do you want to wait until you find the guy that gets 10's on each of your priority items? If you found a guy and the sex was terrible, are you willing to work with him to make it better? For me sexual compatibility is a huge factor and something I want to find out as quickly as possible.
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 18
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 2:03:07 PM
My own experience has been that sex with the same person keeps getting better and better. How can one judge that in a just-met hurry?
ED BEAR
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 19
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 2:25:32 PM
Hi Ed Bear!

I don't want potential... I want good. lol.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 20
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 2:37:48 PM
we are all sexual beings
high sex , and low sex drives
sex is as important as any one thing in a loving relationship
there is nothing sadder then, finding out that, you are incompatable in a long term relationship
our culture has to open itself up to sex sexuality, and plain honesty!
so many people suffer, husbands wives their children, because, of this
if people where only honest,first with their own selves, then with anyone they grow a relationship with
the world would be a much better place
we would all be much happier !
 PaminSD
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 21
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 3:35:43 PM
I think ya'll are missing the point. I have no problem discussing sex, but there is a person (not me) who wants to have sex on the first meeting to see if there is sexual compatibility. Not discuss it, talk about likes and dislikes, but actually do the deed to see if there is sexual compatibility there. He is really thinking that if the sex is great then everything else will fall into place.

Now, sex is important in a relationship, right up there with personality, compatibility, and all that. It just raised a question for me because there is a person that wants to have sex first and then have a relationship. Is this the norm now for dating?
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 22
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 5:07:45 PM
Early yes, not on the first date though. did that once, that sex was great, continued to be great for a few months too bad there wasn't really much else between us. Thank god we realized it together.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 23
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Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 7:14:41 PM

Sorry, IMO you're better off starting out with someone who has great relationship skills, good communication, negotiating skills, cares for you, and can make a commitment and . . . . THEN show them what you like if they happen to be subpar in their sexual skills. Everyone brings a different set of skills to the table and there is always room for improvement - that's the fun part! Good relationships are two-sided with both people wanting to please each other. Bad relationships are usually one-sided. Someone gets tired of that and then they decide to leave.


It's not always that simple.

Differering levels of sexual drive, willingness/unwillingness to do certain things, and physiological differences can all impact sex lives.

Some people desire sex more than others. Matching someone who wants sex 5 times a week with someone who wants sex 2 times a week often results in discord.

I've met women that have sworn they would never do Oral, or allow Oral, or do Anal, or any number of sexual activities no matter what Man they were with. Sometimes it's a personal distaste, or a philosophical/religious preference, or any of a number of factors. And even if you were to persuade them to do it, it's usually counterproductive. It becomes a chore and can breed resentment.

I've met women with physiological issues that are unable to enjoy certain activities, or who found sex painful. Once again not something that is always fixable.

And then there are women who have psychological trauma's related to Sex that they often will not reveal until you are very deep into a relationship, who postpone sex as long as possible or "endure" sex, hoping their relationship will be enough to retain you.

Very few things are cut and dry.
 PaminSD
Joined: 2/25/2012
Msg: 24
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/29/2012 7:22:26 PM
These are all good responses and I can see both sides of the coin.
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 25
Sexual Compatibility...find out first or later in the relationship
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:33:35 AM
I wouldn't want to fall in love with someone, then have sex years later or when we got married to find out I hated the way he did certain things he couldn't or would't change or just came to hate his touch. Not every one is into the sa
e things and no amount of love can change it.
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