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 tfifty
Joined: 8/7/2010
Msg: 1
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New partner wants to be friends with the exPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
This is driving me crazy!! I met a great guy on POF. We started dating last December, 2010. In a month we were pretty much living together, by October, I had sold my home and sold or moved all my stuff. All was good.
I am a widow. He is divorced. All the sudden the exwife who had been living in another state moves back to where we live (within 20 miles). Now, he wants to be friends and help her. I'm ok with that, but here is the kicker. She does not want to meet me under any circumstance. He goes over to help her, he has to go alone or with someone other than me. They call each other when there is an event or party, because she does not want to be at a function that I might be at. I hate it and he will not give up their friendship. He says he feels sorry for her. He says, she screwed up by demanding a divorce and now she is unhappy about it. "Put yourself in her shoes", he says. I can't, first of all I wouldn't ask for a divorce unless I really wanted one and I am adult enough to accept any mess that I get myself into. I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for her. I couldn't care less and I wish she would get out of my life. I could deal with it better, if I could go with him. By the way, I am positive there is not any sex involved. He says that she really never wanted to have sex when they were married and he has no interest in her other than as a "brother" caring relationship. However, she would like to get back together, she has told him that and friends that they have in common which is a lot of people.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 2
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:29:46 AM
One of the qualities that made you fall in love with him (compassion) is one of the qualities that you're asking him to compromise. You're asking him to behave in a way that is unnatural to his core personality, IE, compromise his principles.

If you trust him, and you don't fear any chance of them getting together, then despite the history she's now in the "friend" zone.

Your best option is to sit him down and explain your feelings. That you feel hurt that she does not want to be at the same functions that you goes to, and that she is treating you with such hostility even though you have not met eachother. Also, explain that even though you trust him, the idea of a Woman who has made clear her intentions to try to Win him not only makes you uncomfortable, but can sometimes make you feel that he is taking sides.

After that, the three of you will just need to work out a solution.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 3
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:04:03 AM
She does not want to meet me under any circumstance. ~They call each other when there is an event or party, because she does not want to be at a function that I might be at.~" I wish she would get out of my life."~

~I could deal with it better, if I could go with him.~

~I am adult enough to accept any mess that I get myself into. ~

Funny, I've been through this so many times due to my relationship with my ex wife.
Even when it's put on the table in the beginning of a relationship it is always turned into an issue once the woman thinks she has the right (enough time invested) to dictate my friendships according to her insecurities. These are the most commonly used statements:
It's disrespectful to her.
It's disrespectful to our relationship.
If I don't make it better for her it means I don't care about her feelings.
I care more about my ex than her.

Even after doing everything asked of me to modify "my" friendship it remains an on going issue.

Now, all of those same whiny ass complaining woman that said staying in communication with my ex is/was wrong complain that I will not have the same type of "friendship" with them. Funny how that works.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:07:36 AM
You moved too fast, you thought everything was great and that you wouldn't fall for the stuff other people do by moving too fast...and here you are, seeing a side of him that is so totally against ever being in a relationship with him and now what, you've already moved in. I hope you have the funds and ability to move on, because this woman is very important to him in a really strange way. I don't know why he wouldn't be in a FWB relationship with her, after all you are not allowed to know or be around her, and he is putting her needs above yours. What else do you really need to know?
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 5
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:13:08 AM
The fact that he's putting her wishes above yours pretty much says it all. There's a third person in your relationship, he likes it that way, and it isn't going to change.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 6
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:17:12 AM
People of PoF, stop jumping on the idea that every single f'n guy is cheating on the girl. We don't know every detail. We're not there to see it happening...

OP, if you're sure there's no sex or anything, then what's the problem? If it was a guy, you'd have absolutely no problem with it, but because the ex is a woman, it's an issue.

There's no rule that she has to want to meet you, and I'm sure you agree that you have no right to tell him who he can and can't be friends with.

In a more realistic answer, it seems like she's jealous of you. She doesn't want to see him with someone else. It's really common for people to be like that. Honestly ask yourself, do you want to see a man/woman you're interested in with someone else?

Most likely, she still has an interest in him, and that's why she doesn't want to see you, because of the fact that he's going to be with you. And he's just being her friend.

If you have a problem with it, talk to him. If he's making the compromise with her, he'll probably work with you too. It's ok to feel uncomfortable. If you rely on these forums, you'll potentially end up dumping a great guy.

Talk to HIM, not us
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 7
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:37:45 AM

The fact that he's putting her wishes above yours pretty much says it all. There's a third person in your relationship, he likes it that way, and it isn't going to change.


This has always been one of my favorites.
To inflame the issue, his wish's are replaced with "the ex's wish's".. So it's not he is putting "his" wish's above her's, he is putting the ex's wish's above her's..

So I will ask the real question here..
Why are her wish's/feelings more valuable/important then his ?
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 8
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:02:31 PM
I am all for being friends with exes, but not in this manner. She is childish and is trying to drive a wedge between you and him.

I also don't like ultimatums, but in this case, I would be giving one.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 9
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:06:52 PM
I would never be in a relationship like this. If he has to hide me from anybody in his life because the other person objects to my presence, that other person is more important to him than I am, and he's not committed to me or our relationship. She'd be welcome to him, as far as I'm concerned.

Moving in after a month - very bad idea.
 tfifty
Joined: 8/7/2010
Msg: 10
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:49:13 PM
And can you tell me why you would insist on being friends with an ex when you are in a new relationship and there are not ties, no children, no alimony, no reason other than maybe you should not have gotten a divorce in the first place. I am trying to understand and yes, I know she is jealous of me and that is the main reason she does not want me to show up with him. My problem is that it makes me feel like second, am I wrong about this? Who would you save first?
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 11
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:55:19 PM
If he and his ex don't share children, there is no reason why he should flee to her every call. You are not wrong for reacting as you are, so long as it isn't an impediment to the development and emotional well being of any children involved.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:01:33 PM
I don't have a problem with exes as friends, unless there's secrecy or exclusion. If she doesn't want you around - he should tell her that he's with you now and that putting you in that position is wrong. He should dictate to her how the friendship will be, or decline the offer of it. If there is a friendship, you should be included out of respect, just as if it were your ex staying around as a friend, he should be included.

And I question her motives if it's true that she is the one who wants to exclude you. Something's up with that. She's either not over him and seeing you will upset her (which is too bad for her) or she's looking to cause trouble between the two of you. If she's told him she wants him back and he's told you that - then that's exactly why you're not around. The fact that he's agreeable to that would make me suspicious.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 13
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:02:01 PM

And can you tell me why you would insist on being friends with an ex when you are in a new relationship and there are not ties, no children, no alimony, no reason other than maybe you should not have gotten a divorce in the first place. I am trying to understand and yes, I know she is jealous of me and that is the main reason she does not want me to show up with him. My problem is that it makes me feel like second, am I wrong about this? Who would you save first?


Maybe because not Everyone ends their marriages on uncivilized terms like seems so common in North America? It IS possible to remain friends with an Ex even though the relationship is never going to be revisited.

Let's go back and think about this... when the Ex wasn't nearby, you were perfectly fine with his remaining on civil terms with his Ex. Now that she's close, you are uncomfortable. Now that you realize that she does not want to see you, you are enraged.

So, the issue isn't that he's being civil with his Ex, or being her friend and helping her.
And the issue is not you being worried about him cheating, which you have made clear you don't believe is going to happen.

The issue is the Ex not liking you, and you finding that bothers you. You said in fact that it would bother you LESS if you could attend events with his Ex present.

Basically, from what you've said, he has ZERO romantic interest in her, IE, he sees her as a friend.

Translation, you are asking him to sever bonds with his friend, not because you are worried he's going to stray, but because of her status (an Ex), and the fact that you dislike her because she does not want to see you.

I don't know his history with her. I don't know how they ended up divorced. However, it is clear that they maintain good relations.

Let me ask this question... imagine she was NOT an Ex. That she was in fact just a 3rd party friend. And she did not like you. Let's remove the lingering feelings issue.

Would you STILL be asking him to remove her from his life?

Like I said, it's best to just talk with him.
 NYCmasterplumber
Joined: 8/17/2006
Msg: 14
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:03:44 PM
Mrs Bama went to a function to severe food at a homeless shelter wearing $540 sneakers and you must think this also an act of kindness as now she is proud to be an American for the 2nd time in her life after her $135,000,0000 trip to Spain

Man they be out there ONE Born everyday
 Jason022679
Joined: 1/8/2011
Msg: 15
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 2:59:45 PM
Ok, it appears that some people grew up in a bubble and have no common sense. You must lack self-esteem or have really poor decision making skills. You should never allow a guy to hang out with his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend for that matter. What are you thinking? They are just friends? She needs help? Are you nuts? Maybe you are, I mean you moved in with him after one month and sold your house. There is no man on earth that would warrant those actions in such a short time period. Your behavior is indicative of someone who has a low self-esteem and is dependent on other people to make them happy.

Drop him and go seek counseling to figure out why you make such poor relationship decisions and allow guys to run over you. Don't take the above the wrong way, you need some truth in your life.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 16
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:22:12 PM
By the way, I am positive there is not any sex involved. He says that she really never wanted to have sex when they were married and he has no interest in her other than as a "brother" caring relationship. However, she would like to get back together, she has told him that and friends that they have in common which is a lot of people.


You're getting suckered.You should have put your foot down immediately.Of course he will tell you the sex was no good.You have a number of options.

Demand he stop visiting her alone.
Drop in on them uninvited.
Tell him you're leaving.
Get a new male friend and tell him it's just platonic.He can drop in or you can visit him when he goes to visit her.
Let him know this so you're being upfront and there is nothing to hide.You're just friends .
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 17
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:23:33 PM

I don't care if it's an ex or family member or any friend... if they insist you can't be included he should stand his ground and explain that you two are a couple now -- his loyalty and "life" is with you and if they can't accept that he has no relationship with them anymore.


Any woman that would ask me to choose between Her and a close friend or family would be out the door. Sorry, you have to EARN that kind of place in a person's life.

You don't just walk in the door (and less than 5 years is just walking in the door) to be in the position to Demand that of a person.

Pick between duty to my family over a "new" woman? Sorry, you lose. Period.

Just as I wouldn't allow my Family or friends to dictate who I see, it doesn't go the other way either.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 18
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:27:34 PM

Pick between duty to my family over a "new" woman? Sorry, you lose. Period


The woman is no longer family.She is the ex.Sorry,you lose if you put that proposition before 99% of the women in this world Romeo.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 19
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:36:19 PM

can you tell me why you would insist on being friends with an ex when you are in a new relationship and there are not ties, no children, no alimony, no reason other than maybe you should not have gotten a divorce in the first place
I was married briefly (2.5 years) in my mid twenties and he remains one of my very best friends. I could call him at 1am if I needed help (I can't imagine why - let's say I was falsely arrested and needed bail) and he would come to rescue me - with his wife's blessing.

I mention this relationship when I start regularly dating anyone, and reiterate when the relationship becomes exclusive. I would not give up this friendship for anyone. BTW my other very best friend of 35 years is also male, and I also would not give up that friendship for anyone.

Both these men are in long term marriages and both their wives know me. My ex's wife knows and loves me like a sister and totally accepts our longterm friendship.

So, for some people, exes CAN remain close friends. I don't think it works for most people, but it is possible.

HOWEVER, the ex HAS to respect the new relationship and know where their place is. Any ex who refuses to meet the new partner, or attend any functions in their presence clearly still has attachment feelings and that would be a red flag that your ex should realise means an ongoing friendship is not possible.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 20
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:40:22 PM
The woman is no longer family.She is the ex.Sorry,you lose if you put that proposition before 99% of the women in this world Romeo.


Thanks for taking the reply out of context. The post I replied to suggest I should choose a woman in a relatively new relationship over family or friends. (which is how I read your original post Janet, my mistake... )

I keep a VERY close circle of friends. My family is close. A woman who I've been seeing less than 2 years that I am NOT even married to let alone engaged demands that I choose between her and Family or someone I consider a Friend? No contest. Not even close.

And how do you know that he does not still consider her Family? Once again, we don't know the context. How long were they married? How many years have they known eachother? How close they are they/were they as friends? They could have known eachother since they were in College, or as Children.

Once again, that kind of place in a person's life is Earned.

As to 99% of women finding the situation intolerable without communicating or discussing the situation at some length, that's why I took my time finding my GF.

She's not in the 99%. And that's just the way I like it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:58:50 PM
Okay, it looks to me as though a bunch of people got some facts wrong here. The OP did NOT sell her house and move in with the guy within a month of meeting him. They met in December, were committed and spending most of their time together by January, and ten months later, she sold her house. Still a little on the fast side, but not that bad.

Now on to the whole Ex scenario. In that part, I think wanderer has a good idea, do an exercise first, to see if it is the outside commitment to a friend which is so infuriating, or the fact that this is an EX.

I would strongly suspect that this is really about TERRITORY. The OP (I think fairly logically) expects that marriage, means that the husband and wife put each other first, over all other relationships. This EX has a special status, which the husband has established, supersedes the wife's status. It is NOT the same as an old friend-for-all-time who has an eccentric personality that prohibits meeting the wife, this is a woman who actually wants the current marriage to end, and for hers to be re-established.

The husband tells the OP: "Put yourself in her shoes." I think that is a good place to start a conversation, in a way. A good retort, might be..."Okay, to do that, I have to divorce you, and move twenty miles away, and then call you to come fix everything for me."

Bottom line, I do think that it's the husband who actually needs to start putting himself into other people's shoes. Or perhaps, to carry the simile forward, he needs to STOP trying to wear his ex-wife's shoes, and actually, finally wear his own. He needs to decide what HE wants to do. He is divorced, because the EX wanted a divorce. He needs to decide now, if he wants to be married to the OP, or not. If he does, then sure, stay FRIENDS with the ex, and be available occasionally by phone. But he needs to recognize that he can't be a truly committed husband to the OP, and fail to realize, and make clear to the EX, that her inability to accept that he is now married to someone else, is HER PROBLEM ALONE to deal with.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 22
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New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:08:04 PM
But if he was to insist on seeing me without someone I was dating, he would be told (BY ME) that he doesn't have that kind of control of my life anymore.

I would never leave it up to a new boyfriend to set my boundaries for me. I can handle that myself.

This man should have done the same thing.

He is weak, and frankly I would be disgusted at how he is handling this situation and leave.


It does not necessarily mean he is weak, it may mean that he is just trying to figure out the situation, which is why I advocate communication over the matter between his current GF, himself and his Ex.

In a similar position, I would find it easy to say to the Ex that my GF and Me are a package, and that if she wishes to continue access to Me she'll have to learn to accept it. I would understand her ongoing feelings, but that portion of our lives is over and that she can't expect them to ever resume. If she is my friend, she has to learn to accept that and be happy For me.

That said, I'm quite a bit older than I used to be. When I was in my 20's I would have reached a similar conclusion, but it would have taken a little longer. I would have most likely had to sit down with my GF and discussed the situation, as well as discussed it with my Ex before taking a final position.

That's not necessarily weaknesses, it may be inexperience.

Should a GF at that time have left me over that, she would have lost a very good Man over a situation that only would have required some additional effort.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 23
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:07:13 PM

She regrets asking for a divorce and she wants to get back with him, but possibly only because you're with him now.

She won't include you because to do so would mean accepting your presence.

She's effectively dumping you and creating that "hostility towards the ex" environment on his behalf.

She's effectively treating you like the mistress and assuming her power as the wronged wife, determined not to lose her husband to a tart.

He's being manipulated by her, probably as he always has been.

She's restricting his movements by creating a situation where he can't go to parties that she's going to. She's creating a situation whereby he's "missing out" on all the fun because of you.

I'd say, don't ask him not to see her, let him be in control of his own decisions.


The ex makes all the rules.The man is definitely weak.OP hasn't told us if the sex is worth it.:)
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 24
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:41:28 PM
Immediately take the necessary steps to move out even if it is in a temporary apartment. Could have should have at the beginning of this & an ultimatum now will make little difference since he's already made his choice. Regardless whether there's kids involved or how she feels about him, it's he who definitely has unresolved emotions for her & feeling sorry for her is BS excuse.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 25
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:34:23 PM

@ "more important than his" ...they are a couple in a relationship, if something bothers or hurts one, the other should find a way to handle, deal and work it out.


They are not a "couple" in a relationship, they are individuals in a relationship which creates a couple.
We do not fall in love with the relationship, we fall in love with the individual.

This man's relationship is none of her business and she is creating a problem by trying to make it her business.
Her solution is "control" "I would be fine if I could go along"
So her problem is the lack of control.


As far as "her" wish to get back together goes.. Go ahead and slap him across the face with his willingness to be open and honest. Use his honesty against him and then question a few months down the road why he isn't as open as he once was.
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