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Show ALL Forums  > Creative/Writing  > I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewi      Home login  
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 jackntequila
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 1
I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewindPage 1 of 1    
It was late and she needed to go to bed. The rain was pelting against the window so she knew sleep would not come quickly. The light from the television was flickering but she silently prayed that the power would stay on. And then it happened. The lights went off but only for a few seconds and then as if the generator had kicked in the lights came back on. And so did the television. But a few moments later the lights went out again. She quickly got up and slowly walked into the kitchen grabbing the matches in the drawer and then fumbled back to the living area finding the candle and starting up the wick. The candle burned bright. The warmth from the light was the only heat in the house. Just then she heard a knock on the door. Who could be coming around at this time of the night. She was afraid not wanting to open the door to a perfect stranger. But her curiosity was about to get the better of her as she heard the knock again. She fumbled her way over to the door and opened it up. He was standing in the doorway. Soaked to the skin. No jacket and his hair was plastered to his head. He must have been walking for hours in the storm. Shivering uncontrollably he asked if he could borrow the phone. She said that nothing was working but he could come in and try and get warm. She didn’t expect the lights to be out much longer. She invited him in and said to wait right by the door that she would go and get a towel and blanket so that he could curl up in it and get warm. He walked into the house and closed the door. She turned and with the low light from the candle he noticed that she was only wearing a thin robe. He could almost make out everything that she had to offer. But he turned away and looked at where the tv had once been on but now was only black and vacant. When she returned she was carrying a large blanket and a towel. She escorted him slowly down the hall and into the bathroom where she gave him the towel and a sweatshirt to put on. He closed the door and proceeded to towel off his hair and he tried to dry off but he couldn’t. he removed his shirt and put on her sweatshirt. Then he opened the door and proceeded to stumble slowly back to the living room where she was sitting under the blanket. She motioned for him to come and sit on the couch with her and he did. Sitting down she swung the blanket over top of him and he snuggled under trying to get warm. They tried to make small talk but his teeth were chattering quite loudly but he soon slowed down and felt that he was warming up. She found out where he was from. That he had just started working in the town but that he had gotten lost and was hoping to use the phone when the power was restored. He looked around and saw that the house looked old. The pictures on the walls were framed pictures. Then he looked into her eyes. He saw a flicker from the candle behind her. His hand moved towards her face and lightly touched her cheek. He felt her breath a little calmer. He moved closer to her and his lips touched hers. His hand moved to the back of her neck as he kissed he a little harder and slowly nibbled on her lower lip. The blanket soon became one as his hands slid down her top. Their blood seemed to be pumping a little faster. He could feel her buttons on her robe and one by one he slowly undid them. Her skin under her robe was soft. The rain from his hands was almost dry but still rather cold and her breathing shuddered just a bit. He exposed a little more skin to his hands as he reached in and cupped her breast. So soft and yet her nipple growing every time he slid his hand across it. There kissing became more intense. His lips parted as did hers and their tongues danced in the moonlight. She shivered. And he felt it. His hand moved in and rolled her nipple in his fingertips. She arched her back. The material of her robe slid along her shoulders and her top fell off. He leaned forward and licked her nipple. Then he sucked on one of them. He brought it right into his mouth and she took a deep breath. He reached around and brought her back closer to him. She took a deep breath and then his lips found hers again. She ran her fingers up on the inside of his sweatshirt. His body was so warm from the sweatshirt but his chest was well defined. He quickly shedded the blanket but she was in his embrace now. Her body was almost part of his. He brought her up onto his as her legs were now straddling him with one leg on either side of him. More buttons were removed and now her robe was wide open. He quickly removed one sleeve and then the other and her robe was now laying on the floor at his feet. His head was now buried in her breasts and he was sucking and licking each nipple one at a time. His hands ran along her back following the line of her spine. So straight and so soft. She could now feel him against her. And she began to slide back and forth against him. Her lips were now on his as he tilted his head back. Her hands were frantically moving down between her thighs to him. He could hear a zipper slide down as she reached in and pulled him out. His hardness was right there. She slid her fingertips along his head and could feel it grow in her hand. Then she slid off of his lap and her lips found the tip of his head. Down her lips went until he had all of him in her mouth. Then she slid her lips back up only to slide right back down. A few swirls or her tongue across the tip and she could feel it build up inside again. Harder and harder she made it. Then she slid her mouth off and stood up. He looked in amazement of her body. Her breasts so perky and her body so soft and eatable. He reached forward and slid his hands between her thighs. So wet and so smooth. His fingers dipped deep inside her as she moved towards him. She parted her legs. But he removed his hand and reached up and caught her wrist and motioned her towards the couch. She sat down and now he was on his knees. His mouth found exactly what he was looking for. His tongue slid along her lips and then plunged deep inside her. Her hands moved to his hair on his head and pulled him closer to her. His tongue plunged deep inside her as she arched her back and let out a small scream. Then her hips grinded against him and he felt a small trickle on his tongue. He pressed deeper into her and could taste the warm nectar that she was offering to him. He pressed deeper inside and then pulled out only to flick across her clit ever so slowly at first but then her hips began to rock back and forth and he began to pick up with her movements. She pulled him closer as she came ever so sweetly. She pulled him closer and just released. She arched and the motion seemed to last forever. Every time he touched her or moved her body shook. Then he moved his lips upwards across her upper body to her lips where she tasted her on his lips. She quickly moved her hands to his pants and undid the button. His pants just fell off. She so much didn’t want the lights to come back on. She grabbed a hold of him and positioned him right where he needed to be. She moved to the edge of the sofa and he plunged deep inside her. Her lips clamped all around him. His hands firmly underneath her ass as he began to grind his hips into hers. Deeper and deeper with every thrust. His lips began to kiss her deeply. One hand moved away from her butt and was now playing with her breast. Rolling her nipple again. But the rhythm was not slowing. He still pulled out slowly only to thrust back into her. **** lips tightening all around him as he thrusted deeper into her. He moved his hand back down to her ass and grabbed hold as his motion began to intensify. Harder and harder he thrusted into her. She tilted back in the chair but he still continued to feverishly pound deep inside her. The pressure was building until all of a sudden her lips tightened and she came quickly and with great force that she clamped down and he came just as fast with the friction built up between the two of them. The feverish pitch had come to a climax and they both came together if a feverish pitch. He moved towards her and continued to drive into her but the motion at slowed. She wrapped her legs around him and held him to her. He fell forward against her and held her until their bodies has slowed. He tasted her skin and could taste the fresh salt that had been on her pores. They laid there for what seemed like an eternity. The lights never did come on that night. But at some point when she did wake up from her night of bliss she was laying on the couch with the blanket tucked up under her chin and the slight sent of another on the blanket. She opened her eyes and knew that there was no one else in the house. As quickly as he had showed up he was gone from her grasp.
 Notricksters
Joined: 7/22/2011
Msg: 2
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History
I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewind
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:42:57 PM
Good lord man - ever hear of paragraphs? Sorry to say I did not read thru it due to that . Much luck to you, my forum friend.
 tiggher
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 3
I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewind
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:51:45 PM
....Guess he must have found someone who DID have a phone then????
 SValleyGal
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 4
I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewind
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:30:43 PM
I recommend if you're near one, take a creative writing class at the local community college. That is very helpful. The main thing is that if you like to write, keep writing and find people to provide feedback without being snarky.
 susanlynne1234
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 5
I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewind
Posted: 7/1/2012 8:23:04 PM
It seems you may have the making for a good story - however as was said you need to break it up into paragraphs and work on the grammar. The other thing I would suggest is that you make it a little more believable i.e. they have to have some type of conversation or connection otherwise it reads a little like soft porn :( guess it depends on your target audience. Just my thoughts..sorry I did not read it in its entirety as it is hard to read in the present form.
 otterbeme
Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 6
I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewind
Posted: 7/2/2012 7:45:50 PM
Every time you see the word, "But" at the start of a sentence, re-read the sentence without that word and it should be a complete thought. If not, fix it up, but still leave out the "But" because your writing is overflowing with it.
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 7
I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewind
Posted: 7/5/2012 2:39:48 PM
I am no expert, and I see only 1 guy and women replied to you, so I may be way out of line even in this forum.
I had a very hard time reading it...Then I began to scroll through it. The writing sounded as if you were only writing to try to sound like a writer and talk about sex. Not meant to just be harsh. And then I gave up when you used the word "eatable" to describe her body.

Keep trying and enjoy.
Show ALL Forums  > Creative/Writing  > I have a story for critiquing...be kind...and remember to always rewind