Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairsPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
If you went on a couple of dates with someone and in the course of the date they explained that the reason their previous monogamous relationship ended was because s/he had an affair would this be a deal breaker for you?

It would be for me. What about you?
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 2
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:17:31 PM
It would be for me too.

Monogamy is very important to me and IMO, it takes not just opportunity but a certain mind-set to have an affair. I don't believe, if someone has that mindset, that it ever goes.
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:23:30 PM

would this be a deal breaker for you?

Indubitably!
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:30:57 PM
Once again, context.

If it was a youthful indiscretion, it hold a different weight than something more recent in the past.

Will depend on the person, the circumstances, etc, etc.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 5
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:50:49 PM
I would have to know the circumstances before making that decision.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 6
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:51:04 PM
No, this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I have dated women that told me about their previous affair while married. When I was single I did have an affair with a married women.

Never wanted or did have an affair while married, it would have caused too much pain for my ex-wife and likely it would have complicated my life.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 7
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:57:42 PM
Previous affairs? NO.

One previous affair - it would depend on the circumstances. It would be great to just take a moral high ground and say 'No, never' but I know that people make mistakes, and people can learn from those mistakes.

I started seeing someone a few months ago. On our third date he mentioned something about 'I made that one mistake in 35 years...'. Seeing a confused look on my face, he then said 'Oh God, I thought I had told you already'. Yes, his 35 year marriage ended because he had an affair. I used my finely honed gut instincts :) and life experience to make the judgement call that I would continue to see him regardless of this 'mistake'. I took a couple of days to reach that decision but I felt comfortable with it. A couple of our following dates were 4 wheel driving days so we had plenty of time to talk it all through and he was completely honest, accepted responsibility for his actions, was remorseful.

Ultimately, after a few more dates we decided there wasn't enough 'chemistry' between us to pursue a romantic relationship and have just remained friends.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 8
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:09:11 PM

I know many women who, after a few years in a relationship, decide sex is a "chore" and their man is no longer on their to-do list. Yet expect "monogamy."
I know men who are or become too busy with work, golf, poker, sand buggies, softball and the gym to nurture a relationship. Yet expect "monogamy."
I know women who feel men are little more than idiot children and need to be nagged and harangued for years, verbally castrating them. Yet expect "monogamy."


I don't care what the justifications are - if a relationship isn't working, fix it or get out. Have the spine to finish one before starting another.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 9
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:15:32 PM
@Sciencetreker I agree that there is no reason that can justify cheating. None.

I wouldn't date someone who tried to convince me their affair was not their fault - for any reason. That doesn't mean people can't learn from their mistakes and never make them again.
 vnufall
Joined: 3/6/2011
Msg: 10
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:29:00 PM
i had an affair while my marriage was disentegrating at the end. not proud of it, but in the meantime i was looking for divorce lawyers. sometimes i tell the guy i'm dating sometimes not about thise days. it was a long time ago, best forgotton.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:43:22 PM

Absolutely THE END.

All the 'reasons' mean what? When this person feels it justified they can cheat on their partner and lie? If someone has integrity they end a relationship and then seek another partner.

I have never cheated on a partner. Period. No 'if's and 'because' blah, blah.... when I wasn't satified in a relationship I ended it. Even if 'I' was not in a relationship I have no desire to have sex with a woman who is a cheat herself. This would make me an accomplice in her lies...no thanks.


And you had all this wisdom and judgement your entire life? When you were 20 or 25? Or made a single foolish decision that was out of character?

I personally don't believe that a person should be crucified forever for most mistakes. People change, I know that because I have changed in many ways since my youth, so have many people that I have known.

Let he who is without sin...
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 12
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 5:04:27 PM
It all depends. I value honesty over EVERYTHING so the fact that he would tell me that he did that and that this is what led to the end of a relationship - that kind of honesty is refreshing. I also believe that people can learn from their mistakes.
 blueeyez1401
Joined: 12/6/2010
Msg: 13
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:05:02 PM
Absolutely would be a deal breaker for me. As would someone who was abusive....Been there and would rather be alone than go back to that
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 14
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:42:03 PM
I wouldnt be talking about that sort of thing after a couple of dates. Men are not wired for monogamy and a lot of women either. But it is up to you. If you find the person attractive enough to continue, then take your chances. Does not mean they are going to be players after all. It may have been an isolated incident after a long and perhaps stale marriage.
 scifichicky
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 15
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:42:26 PM
Definite dealbreaker in my book. I have been cheated on and I cannot fathom inflicting that sort of hurt on another person, I cannot see any reason why it would ever be a tolerated behavior.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 16
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:05:56 PM
A lot of affairs happen b/c someone is unhappily married and too cowardly to face the music and get out of the marriage, but then cannot resist a bit of kindness and attention from someone else.

I'd look for signs the person had grown past that feeling of helplessness and fear. And, as someone else said, for their understanding that while their spouse may have contributed to the unhappy marriage, the cheating was 100% on them.

I suspect we all want guarantees that our partner won't ever cheat on us, but since there is no such thing and cheating is so wide spread, we just have to learn to take the risks inheritant in sharing our hearts and lives with another, and in realizing that the end of a relationship is NOT the end of all happiness.
 gbntbedtyr
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 17
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:13:17 PM
No problem, sex is highly overrated and human flesh is weak. The fact that she'd confide in me, just made her that much more desirable. Sadly I have never cheated, as some of those swing parties look totally awesome. But sex without love just looses too much. Maybe someday.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:23:02 PM
People tell you things like that to see what you will do. If you don't react then it gives them free ticket to do as they please. 'You knew I was like this, why are you so mad". type of thing.

To me trust is everything... but thats just me.
 gbntbedtyr
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 19
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:30:58 PM
I don't get mad over something that trivial.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 20
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:40:17 PM
sciencetreker
hint...if a woman thinks that the guy who justified his affair or shows remorse is a new person then...Ha! Ha!Ha!....you are delusional, a drama queen or just plain not too smart.


Have you ever broken any traffic law while driving? Maybe the State should revoke your driving privilege as it's been shown you don't respect the rules of the road and the laws of the State.

Or maybe you'll come back and show us mere mortals how to walk on water and raise the dead, too.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 21
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:58:09 PM
I would likely shy away from the situation, as I would first question as to why they told me this.

Taking about past relationships is off limits, as I am only there to see if there is an attraction and do I enjoy spending time with them.
Let's move slowly through this.

So I wouldn't continue on or end it because of the affair, I would not continue on because of the conversation.

Now there are times where one will ask the other if they have ever had an affair.
Those are individuals who have been burned, and haven't gone through their own healing process, and they are looking quickly to jump into another relationship, but want to make sure that he/she isn't a cheater.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 22
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 8:09:12 PM
I couldn't continue with someone who told me that unless i was absolutely convinced it wasn't in their nature ...but,my faith and trust in that person would be shot.

Ive never cheated on anyone in my life and id expect the same if i was in a committed,monogamous relationship.
The End.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 23
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 8:51:20 PM

I bet the view is lovely from such high ground LOL


It sure beats swimming with the bottom feeders.

It has nothing to do with high ground - it has to do with personal morals based on personal experiences.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 24
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:04:05 PM
previous affairs are a deal breaker for me.
big red flag waving in my face.

I dated someone like that once..
its too difficult for me to totally trust a person who has done that.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 25
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:04:21 PM
I would likely shy away from the situation, as I would first question as to why they told me this.


I'm inclined to agree. Why would someone divulge this information when they didn't have to---unless they were somehow setting up a relationship wherein they would have a built-in "escape clause" if they were caught cheating again, e.g. "You knew this about me going in---you willingly accepted the fact that I had difficulty with monogamy."
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs