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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?      Home login  
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 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 1
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
When most of us 50-60 somethings were just starting to date, STD's such as UTI's, yeast infections, and even syphillis & gonorrhea were treatable/curable w/ prompt dx. followed by a round of antibiotics. In today's World Single, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that anyone engaging in unprotected intercourse is at risk for contracting one of several presently incurable STDs, most commonly but not exclusively herpes, estimated to be carried by as many as 1/3 of the adult population. For the sake of this thread topic, HIV risks are not the focus although certainly the latter pose health risks of greater severity and magnitude than herpes. This noted, herpes remains complex and challenging given such uncertainties as the number of years in which the disease can lie dormant, the huge disparity in how effective present treatment is from one person to another, the often indefinite line between a contagious period and a non-contagious one and/or a non/symptomatic stage ---not to mention the stark reality that condoms do not guarantee 100% protection . . .

In my own experiences I know of two people 45+ who entered into a romance with someone dx. w/ herpes: the first, a woman (who also happens to be a nurse), has taken great precautions but within two years developed a case of herpes whose symptoms are apparently much more painful and generally more severe than those of her lover whose dx. happened over a decade before their relationship began. In the second example, the man -- after agonizing about whether/not to become romantically involved with a lady whose ex husband's adultery left him with a relatively mild outbreak of herpes relatively infrequently and her with significantly more severe outbreaks far more often --- made the decision to follow his heart and begin an LTR with her. But over the progression of their 6 month LTR, he became increasingly panicked at the thought that he was at risk every time they were sexually intimate and ended up breaking off the relationship --- and the lady's heart.

So the question for many of us over 45 fortunate up to this point to have dodged the STD bullets from the days of our youth, now seems to be, "Do I leave myself open to falling in love with someone in his/her 50-60's knowing that s/he has herpes? Honestly, I don't know what I would do. What about you?
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 2
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 2:57:34 PM
The truth ia you would never know because most people don't know they are infected. No, i, would not let it deter me. There are other sexually transmiitted diseases i would worry about more, like hiv, hep c, and maybe even ms.
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 3
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:00:06 PM

There are other sexually transmiitted diseases i would worry about more, . . . maybe even ms


????????????? Is MS now considered an STD???
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 4
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:08:29 PM
There are some doctors who think it can be transmitted that way.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 5
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:19:33 PM
Just read up on ms. The doctors who study this disease believe in some cases it may well be sexually transmitted. One thing is certain, something causes it, they just don't know what with certainty. Stress, trauma, living well north of the equator. A virus. Take your pick.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 6
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At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:26:26 PM
Well, how about when the AMA and the CDC and NIH and all the other reputable health agencies of the world unite and agree that MS is an STD, we'll start a thread of it's own so we can vilify a whole new group of people and stir up hysteria and misinformation among the rest.
 TC2u
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 7
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At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:28:08 PM
"Do I leave myself open to falling in love with someone in his/her 50-60's knowing that s/he has herpes?

I'll pass. One of my biggest fears, almost makes me want to be a virgin again.
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 8
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:32:48 PM
MS: Go to the source: National MS Society
:http://www.nationalmssociety.org/about-multiple-sclerosis/what-we-know-about-ms/what-causes-ms/index.aspx

Research for the cause of ms includes immunological, environmental, infectious ( including human herpes virus-6),
and genetics.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 9
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:43:37 PM
After the divorce, I did get vaccinated with the HPV and HEP B vaccines. I also get regular exams and screenings and I do not engage in risky behavior/casual sex.

When a relationship has gotten to the stage where sex might enter in, I insist my partner be examined and tested for HIV, Hep C and STDs ...I even offer to cover his co-pay. And unwanted pregnancy, though unlikely is still a concern so that ground is covered in advance as well. No, it is not sexy, but then neither are warts or herpes sores or being pregnant at 50. Those that refuse to be tested or use birth control don't get into my pants...period. I may have lost a couple of guys over this, but who cares? If you don't have good health, you don't have a good life, and I do not want my golden years to be riddled with sores and infections.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 10
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:56:37 PM
Thanks for the subject matter it is very timely--- I had a complete hysterectomy in 2003; was married thought no more about things.

Then when I started dating I went to the Ob-gyn and he said I couldn't get any std cause it was basically a sealed tomb--so I fired him.

Next year I went to another one and they told me the same thing--I didn't have to worry cause it wasn't an opening to my body. I point blank asked this one about Herpes and he just sorta shrugged it off as not important said most adults have been exposed to it and only if you have a weaken immune system (DOH! nothing like cancer and chemo to do that!) do you have to worry.

If I met a special person I dont think I would worry about it unless they arent being smart about it, there are medications that help etc.

I think people who seek to make themselves look good by not having it might want to be check specifically for it cause from what my doctors tell me--it is a special test that most do not test you on since they feel it is that common. YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR IT TO BE TESTED, they just dont test for it, so dont assume you dont have it just cause you show no symptoms.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 11
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 3:57:20 PM

When a relationship has gotten to the stage where sex might enter in, I insist my partner be examined and tested for HIV, Hep C and STDs ..


I would insist on it as well before becoming sexually involved with him, and I have zero problem with him expecting likewise since the last test I had was 6 years ago.. Since then I have remained celibate..

nativerock
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 12
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 4:03:20 PM

????????????? Is MS now considered an STD???


No and it is not contagious so have no idea why this was mentioned? The is a genetic component to it though..
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 13
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At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 4:25:01 PM
No.

And I'm still trying to figure what "dx" is. Is that textspeak for "diagnosed/diagnosis"?
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 14
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 4:55:25 PM
No, I wouldn't.

It's as simple or as complicated as that.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 15
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 5:21:46 PM
Every couple of weeks someone comes up with this scenario.

Let me do this again ... 80% of the population has herpes.
They are cold sores, whether on your face or in your nether regions.
And what about shingles?
Same virus.
How can everyone be so dense about this?

Oh yea.
It's the forums.

If you are going to veto someone because of cold sores ... wow.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 16
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At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 5:26:41 PM
I would veto because of cold sores... but not zits.. zits are curable :)

Why would I make it this far in life herpes free to take the chance of getting it now? and I would like to see the information that says 80% of the population has herpes. I fine it kind of unbeleive able.. but then 44.7% of all statistics are made up. *smile*
 Thornz2000
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 17
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 7:40:10 PM
No...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 18
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At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/3/2012 8:25:42 PM
Me, too Smarrt Blonde. I never engaged in "casual sex"....I was married for over 20 years and in two long term relationships....don't want to receive anything bad, and have nothing bad to give!
 ejpbjje
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 19
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At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:15:38 AM
No way. And if you do have it, you should disclose that up front. Karma can be a **** later on.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 20
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:19:58 AM

So the question for many of us over 45 fortunate up to this point to have dodged the STD bullets from the days of our youth, now seems to be, "Do I leave myself open to falling in love with someone in his/her 50-60's knowing that s/he has herpes? Honestly, I don't know what I would do. What about you?


I'm not sure what the over 45 part has to do with it. If anything a 25 year old would have more at risk (time) than someone who is 45.

To answer your question OP. For the right person there's not much I wouldn't do. It would be a factor, but not the deciding factor.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 21
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:33:58 AM
No would not get myself involved with someone that had it.. I would worry about it possibly compromising my immune system..
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 22
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/5/2012 11:20:33 AM

I'm not sure what the over 45 part has to do with it. If anything a 25 year old would have more at risk (time) than someone who is 45.


To clarify: many 25 year olds are still virgins, and others have had one lover whom they marrried. For these now widowed or divorced persons, this means getting out into the dating world open to their first intimate/romantic relationship in many years. Others 45+ have had multiple intimate relationships over the course of their 20-40 years since age 25. Many --as stated multiple times across a variety of threads in this 45+ forum --- have been neither LTR nor monogamous, and for some 45+ adults, these ave translated to as "many" as triple digits.

Thus the odds of someone 45+ having contracted herpes along the course of life since 25+ becomes a significant factor for many seeking an LTR at this age.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 23
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/5/2012 11:30:30 AM
I don't know much about it, so I would have to think about it a lot before getting involved.

I read in Wikipedia worldwide rates of HSV infection are between 65% and 90%. HSV1 is more common than HSV2 with rates of both increasing as people age. Rates of infection are determined by the presence of antibodies against either viral species.

So it would seem most all active sexual participants have been infected.

If some people never have any signs, which is common, then likely they never got tested, so they don't even know.

I think the current tests for antibodies will detect a previous infection even if the disease is not active, is that correct?
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 24
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/5/2012 12:29:44 PM
And to further clarify your further clarification.

Someone who is 25 risking infection would be risking it for a much greater amount of time than someone who is 45+.

I'm 55 soon to be 56. The next LTR I get into I'm pretty sure will be my last. We know what the record is for those in their 20's. Knowing that I want to be pretty certain that my most likely final LTR will last, I would take it pretty slow regardless of circumstances. Soo for the sake a long story short here, if I had to make this hypothetical decision in 3 years I would be nearing 60. No one can predict how long they will live, but I would guess that the 25 year old would be risking many more years of possibly being infected than I would.

Then again, there is the argument that our immune systems are typically comprimised as we age. This would subject us to the H and any other kind of virus floating around out there. The human body is already home to many viruses and bacteria, but our immune system fights them off. As earlier in the thread it was noted, that anyone who has had the chicken pox carries a H virus, but your body has built up antibodies to succesfully fight it off. As people get older and their immune systems get weaker, they are at great risk to get the shingles. And everything else.

2 different points entirely.

It's easy for us to sit back in the comfort of our protected world and write what we think we would do in any particular circumstance. I was on the 14th St Bridge in DC 15 minutes before the plane crashed and I often wondered had I been closer, would I have jumped into the icy river to try and save some of those people. A few men did and died doing it. I would hope that I would have done everything possible to save a life, but until I'm faced with it, I can only speculate.

I remember reading a thread on here about a man who was going to donate a kidney to save a life. The man was roasted for it. Yes, he was taking a risk. But don't soldiers, policemen, firemen, medical professionals and many regular people risk their lives all the time for people they don't even know?

OP- You mentioned you had a friend or two with H and that's what made you think about the possibility. I too had a friend that made me look at all of this through a microscope. As a result of knowing her, I now know a lot of people that have H. If the numbers are 1 in 6 known people and 1 in 4 suspected, then my bet is we all know a lot of people carrying the virus. Many don't go public in fear of how they will be treated. And looking at many of the comments I read on some of these threads , I'm not surprised. So many holier than thou attitudes. Carrying an STD is not automatic grounds for promiscuity or drug use. A woman or man could easily catch something like that from a cheating spouse and now they get treated like a leper. Nice.

Stay up on new data too. Hep C is not even listed on many STD lists anymore. It is listed as uncommon to be transmitted by sexual contact. I've never noticed MS either, but now being the anal person that I am, I'll have to read up on that too.

As mentioned, you do have to specifically ask to be tested for the Herpes Virus. It's not cheap (around $200) and rarely covered by insurance.
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 25
At 45+ Would You Begin an LTR with Someone Dx. w/ Herpes?
Posted: 7/5/2012 12:51:12 PM

So many holier than thou attitudes. Carrying an STD is not automatic grounds for promiscuity or drug use. A woman or man could easily catch something like that from a cheating spouse and now they get treated like a leper. Nice.


And to clarify your clarification of my clarification:) :)

The notion that someone with herpes has contracted it because s/he is promiscuous and/or a drug user is (or should be IMO)about numbers ------- not about morality. However, if the person knows s/he has herpes and fails to inform any sexual partner, s/he has behaved egregiously whether/not the partner becomes infected. Which is exactly what happened to both friends mentioned in the OP who did become infected.

The above adds another dimension (unintended in the OP but certainly worth noting) to the thread's title question: "Would you begin an LTR with someone dx. with herpes who has knowingly infected another person with herpes?"
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