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Show ALL Forums  > Creative/Writing  > The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden      Home login  
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 Bourne2LuvU
Joined: 7/1/2012
Msg: 2
The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond EdenPage 1 of 1    
...(first paragraph) BIG no-no..."...It was..." no good! common mistake...How about?

A chaotic day on Long Island would seem calm in the minds of the citizens of Manhattan on this particular day. Hmm?

just a thought...?
 sartechJF
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 4
The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden
Posted: 8/18/2012 1:51:57 AM
Hey, BFL. :)

I think your ideas are great. I think what you are attempting to do by creating a scene and fleshing out your protagonist is also great. The problem is as another fella has already indicated: the syntax, SPAG, and the structure needs quite a bit of attention. These are not books we typically use in a traditional MFA program, per se; however, I believe these are two books that most creative writers have referenced at one time or another, the former of which I am about to list more so than the latter, probably (I don't know how to underline in this box, so please forgive the misuse of citation):

1) "The Elements of Style," by Strunk and White
2) "The Gotham Writer's Workshop: Writing Fiction"

"The Elements of Style" is just a no-brainer. It's the penultimate authority on grammar, aside from taking a formal English or master's level English or Fine Arts program. And even if you do, you'll still want to read it, re-read it, and dog-ear that baby, tattering it to pieces, and then buy a fresh copy.

A third book that is a great book, but not so much widely accepted as an "authority," is Stephen King's "On Writing." It's a great little book, and it might help. He gives several tips on utilizing active voice in writing and avoiding over usage of adverbs and simple adjectives.

If you would like to have me review your chapter in detail, feel free to message me, and I'll shoot you my email address. I'll do what I can to edit it line-by-line and give suggestions. It's up to you, but I would definitely recommend hitting those books.

Good luck, and don't let yourself get down. Your brain and imagination are working over time, and that is great! You just need to gather some grammar tools to put this together.

Jason
 Choporis
Joined: 6/25/2012
Msg: 5
The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden
Posted: 8/18/2012 3:09:58 PM
I like your story! The beginning reminds me a bit of "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer".
Then it gets intense toward the end, I want to know what happens next :D
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