Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not w      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
for starters have a conversation about this with her when things are calm between the two of you. express your feelings and concerns about the dynamic that is developing and how you want to change it, or have both of you change it.

along with that, do not respond to her by mouthing off, you are just getting caught up in it the minute you allow it to cause you to mouth off. establish within yourself what your responses will be to diffuse the escalating situation.
that could be walking out of the room, the house, whatever works for you to keep yourself under control.

people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. it is up to you to set the standard of treatment you will allow and tolerate.

that is about all i can think of. some people love the control and drama. some want a response of any kind as long as it is a response. check yourself to see what you may be doing to contribute to her disrespect for you.
beyond that, give it the best effort you have from your end. that is about all you can do. then you have to decide if you are really compatible with her.

kaylee
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 4
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:03:05 PM
You both are at fault in our communication problems. You don't feel she says what she has to say in the way you'd like her to and doesn't choose her words as carefully as you do and "seems" to jump to conclusions while you look at both sides before coming to a conclusion. When you feel disrespected you mouth off and feel justified in doing so. How am I doing?

Okay, well your communication styles are incompatible. I don't have a rabbit to pull out of my hat, what I can tell you is that you can only control your own behavior, not anyone elses. When you change how YOU behave, then the other person can't respond the same so they'll have to respond differently.

If you haven't communicated how you feel about all the aspects of your feelings you've related here, then that's where you should start. You should only do that at a "neutral" time, not when you're about to or have just had a disagreement. Noone can know how someone else feels unless they tell them. If you're assuming she should just know how you feel, then you're in the wrong on that.

If you can't develop a method for not just communicating thoughts and ideas but feelings, then your relationship is lacking an important element and won't be satisfactory in the longer term.

Just state how you feel, don't look to place blame. "When you say _____ it makes me feel _____." Keep it simple and straightforward. If you can't discuss this and agree on how to better communicate in the future, then it may be time to think about moving on. Be sure to watch your tone and avoid being condescending or overly sensitive.

Hope that helps!

southmeetswest I like the way you think!! We pretty much said the same thing, you must be brilliant......haha
 cr4zycupcake
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 5
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:32:17 PM
Break up. Can't communicate is a destroyer at the same level as cheating, they usually come hand in hand eventually.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 7
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:44:54 PM
For the last two posters above me..........did you miss the word "sometimes" in the OP? If they don't communicate well "sometimes" then it means that sometimes they do. I don't throw out something if it's broken, I see if I can fix it first. If it's more broken than what I can fix, then I toss it and get a new one.

Dump and run is the easiest, but he is also at fault so he'll probably take this with him and continue on with the same problem next time. I say this is fixable. It's just an opinion.
 cr4zycupcake
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 8
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:06:05 PM
I just don't like having to draw a diagram everytime this sort of stuff is asked. What I meant is when one or the other is always trying to "win" an argument what have they won really? You won an argument but lost the relationship. Wow.

You both sounds like 2 completely diffrent people. Sometimes opposites attracts is a bunch of baloney. There's gotta be a common ground somewhere at the essence of each person. Which there isn't here. You can't change a person. Well, not for long. You could change the way you think, but that doesn't last too long either. Thus my original response.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 10
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:28:03 PM
I refuse to accept this type of behavior from anyone much less my partner.

End game!
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 11:21:28 PM
Find another girl. For whatever reason you two don't respect each others way.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 4:45:25 AM
A lot of good responses, but I think Motown is closest to my reaction.

I too get my "spidy-senses" going when someone claims perfection (I am definetly without fault.).

I'll address some dynamics, which is what you zeroed in on, in your opening remarks, OP.


Frustrated with my partners borderline disrespectful way she talks to me sometimes.


Okay, that is a very vague thing to say. Being "disrespectful" is a judgement call. Not an independently verifiable event. What your claim of being "dissed" means in this case, is that you have a negative emotional reaction to HOW SHE EXPRESSES HERSELF. By your description, this is because you follow a systematic process of expression of your own design, and she does not. I too like to be careful and logical in my responses to events, so I can relate to your claimed process.

But you are mistaken in your demand that others adhere to your design, in order to have valid expressions. The single most important element about communication, isn't that it is logically or rationally conducted, but that it is successful It sounds to me as though you are actually using your procedural approach to arguing, as a trick to declare victory, rather than as a tool for YOU to come to a better understanding of things. You are playing a cheap game show trick on her (Jeopardy!), and yourself, along the lines of "You don't get the points, because your answer was not in the form of a Question." Thus in this aspect, I conclude that at the times you do this, that you are very much "with" fault.

Next, you can NOT claim the high ground as you try to do, if you also want to charge down into the gutter yourself. Here:

When She talks to me with what I feel is disrespect, I feel that the gloves are off and then get mouthy with her.


You openly declare that all the high-sounding crap you said about carefully choosing your words and seeing both sides, goes out the door as soon as you are ticked off. You are thereby in direct violation of one of my personal rules, which is "If your principles/morals vary according to how upset you are, then you don't actually HAVE any principles/morals."

You can't have it both ways, OP.

I would have to witness the actual argument to determine if I thought you or she was more in the right, or who had to "do all the work." Frankly, when I hear that two people are arguing, however they argue, it sounds like work is being done on both sides. Hint to consider: if you feel you "had to do most of the work," it sometimes means that you had the farthest road to travel, before you reached agreement. So in a very real way, it means that you were the most WRONG to begin with, and had the most adjusting to do.

That, or you were so insistent on the agreement being phrased in YOUR language instead of the other persons, that you dragged things on twice as long as needed, instead of learning the other person's "lingo."
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:10:04 AM

How else can I try and reach her without things getting out of hand?


Notice that in your exposition here you placed 100 percent of the fault on her, that you were not at fault and that you always tried to be the voice of reason. Yet you failed 100 percent here. You have only shown a very closed mind person, that is by having an alternative opinion "disrespected you."

So dude. Stop blaming her, and that is ALL you have done.
Realize also that you cannot change her. All the bull of coming to the middle, is not the middle, that is a middle that YOU have dictated. Start to actually listen to what she may be saying, repeated to her by saying "This is what I understand you are saying." That way, when you are fighting, or discussing, you actually listen, instead of spending your time formulating your great response and missing all that they other person needed from you to understand.

And one more thing. Realize that the only person you can change is yourself. Start by 5 things I can do different.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.