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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How to be less shallow?      Home login  
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 foxonatrain
Joined: 6/9/2010
Msg: 4
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How to be less shallow?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
This isn't really advice since it's not something you can really actively do, but if you hang around enough attractive women that have terrible personalities you'll eventually associate the two and won't be as interested. Our past experiences are what shape us.
 Womac911
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 6
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:24:56 PM
Get over the looks, and go for the personality and brains. Who cares if she's a 12 on your 1-10 scale, if she's got a stale personality or a feeble mind. "butterface" vs. "butterbrain"
 foxonatrain
Joined: 6/9/2010
Msg: 9
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:38:57 PM
I agree with points 1 and 4 from rdeffley. You can't treat attractive women like they're special, treat her like you'd treat a female friend you consider unattractive or even how you act with your guy friends. You need to be able to jokingly give each other a hard time because otherwise you end up with this weird awkward tension.

The second point about the pupils seems like something that's influenced too much by variables, lighting, medication, nervousness, etc. The third point of testing her by walking away might work but it's a little bit too overdramatic for my taste. If anything you might be shooting yourself in the foot by seeming so reactionary.

I agree that you need to make touching, even if it's small, a habit from the get-go, because if it happens 5 dates in, it's this new weird unusual thing that they're not used to. Imagine a coworker you've known forever suddenly giving you a random hug, it's just strange.
 foxonatrain
Joined: 6/9/2010
Msg: 11
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:51:38 PM

Just going by your guys advice I need to probably focus more on interacting in person rather than online dating.. Long back story but I'm not a touchy person at all.. I think a huge chunk of my issue is a lack of social skills.. Don't think those can be honed very well online lol :P


Well if you can go on in person dates with women you meet online that's actually probably better practice because they're completely out of your social circle. If the date goes bad, they were just a stranger and you're really not worse off than you were before. If you go out on a date with say, a friend of a friend you've met or something and it goes bad, there can be unfortunate repercussions.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 12
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:24:55 PM
You may view yourself as shallow, but you won't be doing any favours by dating a woman you're not physically attracted to.

I believe every woman needs to feel desired and desirable in a relationship. If you date a woman you're not trying to get in bed, she will be insecure and unhappy.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 13
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:35:04 PM

I just thought people might have some honest advice on ways to not put attractiveness as such a high priority. I want personality to mean more but at the same time in the few instances that I've been in I just can't look past it and I feel pretty aweful about it!


This makes me wonder how much of an opportunity you give yourself to get to know a woman’s personality. It takes a while….a lot longer than determining if her looks are gonna do anything for you. Personality will mean more to you when you take the time to get to know someone.

Sometimes a terrific personality will make a so-called ‘average’ looking person look amazing to you. :)


Where is my beer bud, Fleuron? I think she'd snort beer out of her nose if she saw this!!


I was hypnotized by the darn thing…I couldn’t look away until it was done. Probably if I’d had a beer or two I would’ve been snorting it after reading your post, organic.
 Extollere
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 14
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:37:45 PM
Physical attraction definitely has some importance. You do have to be attracted, but try a little exercise:

Picture yourself with the woman of your dreams. Perfectly right in every single way. You love the evalovin' hell out of this girl. You're completely attracted and she's stunningly beautiful. Happily ever after is in your future.

Now picture how you'd react if she suffered an unfortunate accident that altered how she looked completely. A bunch of rabid bunnies really did a number on her face and she's had to undergo some plastic surgery. Now ask yourself "Would I stay with this girl? Could I still love her?" Same girl in every other way, but physically she's changed. Still a perfect match, but not quite as beautiful anymore. Let's say she's now in the "average" category.

How would you feel? Reflect on that for awhile.

Not to be the bad news fairy or anything (again), but looks can be quite temporary. A beautiful face isn't the be all and end all. One accident can take it all away in a flash, so placing such a heavy emphasis on appearance could work against you in the end, even if you do manage to find your perfect woman now.

Attraction comes in many forms. Appearance is only one, and placing all of your eggs in that basket carries a certain risk. You can still find someone totally hot but remind yourself of what's left should the physical hotness ever go away.

How to be less shallow? Place more emphasis on a girl's other non-physical "hot" qualities. Remind yourself of them on a regular basis. Appreciate and become attracted to everything a girl has to offer. Start with what's on the inside - that's where you'll find the beauty that never fades.

Just something to think about.
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 15
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:19:17 AM
How do you know you are being shallow...you say the women you date you find attractive...that doesn't mean they are attractive to everyone else. If you remember in the movie...Hal...was shallow even when his perspective was askew. His friend was concerned about him since he was picking unattractive women which Hal thought were gorgeous.

Being shallow seems to be in the eye of the beholder just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder....

I have been called shallow ...and I'm sure everyone has been called that at one point or another...when they have rejected someone...it's an easy out to say...oh that person is just shallow...rather than realizing you can't be attractive to the entire human race.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 16
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:57:04 AM
consider what their beauty means to you. in other words, what does it represent about you to other people. is that what's important to you in a relationship? then work on that.

or maybe you want their beauty because you want your sexual pleasure to be in that form. so work on wanting more from sex.

or perhaps you feel a relationship should only be about sex, rather than sharing more of yourself. so get to know more about what you share, and perhaps your relationships will be less about sex.

and so forth.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 17
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:59:06 AM
I know the feeling. I've met several women I was not physically attracted to and it was a waste of our time. I was hopeful that our similar interests would be enough to create a spark through face to face conversation but sadly that has never happened. Bottom line, be selfish. If you're not physically attracted, there's nothing wrong with that.
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 18
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:11:17 AM
thanks for your observation younggansta4...as I said before...it's all in perspective and I'm happy you feel that I'm ewwww....I'll get back to you as soon as I figure out if you are male or female...
 urgal2416
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 19
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 6:38:44 AM
@message 32

Did your parents not teach you any manners? You should be ashamed of yourself. My 3 older children (ages 20-28) would never speak (write) like that to someone. :(
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 20
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:09:33 AM
How to be less shallow? Remove our eyeballs!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 21
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:17:11 AM

--What a load of crock.

Everyone is visual, just not everyone values beauty over everything else...


Spot on! I am tired of being told that because I am a woman, I am not a"visual"--that is total BS.

OP, as others have said, we all have preferences and because you are attracted to good-looking women does not mean that you are shallow. In fact, because you are concerned that you are shallow probably means that you are not.

No one can advise you on how to changes your "preferences" or how to "make" yourself be attracted to women who just do not attract you. I WOULD say that once you meet The Woman and you really click, her looks will be secondary.

However, I am much too jaded to say that. I see loads of profiles of old, fat, scraggly, ugly men to whom this has apparently not happened--they keep questing and lusting after the "sexy, beautiful, gorgeous" women. I know this because they list these qualifications for women on their profiles.

You are young, you are "unformed," and hopefully, you will evolve and mature. Beauty comes in different forms--keep your eyes and heart open.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 22
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:30:35 AM
I think it's ok that you're not a touchy person. If she's attracted to you, it'll make her want to draw it out of you over time, which is more natural.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 23
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 8:07:19 AM

This makes me wonder how much of an opportunity you give yourself to get to know a woman’s personality. It takes a while….a lot longer than determining if her looks are gonna do anything for you. Personality will mean more to you when you take the time to get to know someone.

Sometimes a terrific personality will make a so-called ‘average’ looking person look amazing to you. :)


I totally agree with Fleuron here. (Did I say that out loud?)

Have you ever heard of "thinking outside the box?" Apply that to your dating life. You'd be surprised at how much of your opinions of beauty are shaped by society. What was once attractive is now considered ugly and what was once ugly is now considered attractive. If you don't believe me go back and look at the basketball uniforms in the 70's (women would gag if they saw you wearing those short shorts now) and how today the nerd look is cool (put todays fashion back in the 70's and no one would associate with you).

Allow yourself to get to know a person before you dismiss them based on your preconceived notions of attactiveness. For goodness sake don't worry about what your friends might think. When you see a sparkle in her eyes, an innocent smile and a sweet personality come through, you will be amazed at how much better they suddenly become. You have to give it a chance though.

You're letting some fashion designers, society norms and your friends dictate what's attractive. It's not you as much as you think it is. You're selling yourself short.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:58:26 AM
Embrase your shallowness. But be realistic. Are you getting laid? If you are not, then you are lost in a cloud of illusion. If you are getting laid, but not as often because you are picky, nothing wrong with that.

I personally like attractive women. I will not sleep with a woman that I am not physically attracted to. Period.
 FairlyAlright
Joined: 9/26/2011
Msg: 25
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 11:05:40 AM


Email those without pictures then.


Don't let this get around, but profiles without pictures are a vastly under-appreciated resource. No one should disregard a profile without a photo if all the other desired qualities are present.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 27
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 3:45:36 PM

As most men get older, I think looks become less important. Not unimportant, but less important as time goes on.


speaking as someone well into middle age, i can tell you that this is decidedly NOT the case.

the great majority of available men in my age range only profess interest for the Pretty Young Things. they seem to believe that they *deserve* the trophy for having put up with a bad marriage previously or it's simply their mid-life crisis talking...
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 28
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:06:17 PM

women only want hunks


maybe the ones you meet...

and you aren't reading the profiles of middle-aged men with the age range for contact set at 21 to 35 and stating that one MUST meet height and weight limits that could only be met by catwalk models. as i've been doing for years...
 MyHandsHurt
Joined: 4/9/2012
Msg: 30
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/17/2012 2:43:16 PM
Dude, you're 5'11".... so your height is not a real problem. I don't get it.

Also, you're only 22. This is the time for you to mess around and be stupid (just use a condom.) You are too young to settle down with something serious. Finish school because you need time to mature as well. In 8 years, you will be a different person. Hopefully, your compas, for what you truly desire in a woman, will have matured. Did you even think about of the type of women you want to date? Just from the information you have given, they sound shallow and immature (like you...for now.) Now is just not your time.

Now it's time for me to be shallow: STOP with the drive-thru's and get yourself to the gym 4-5 times a week. All the time for you to be dating should be spent on your health and the looks that come with good health. I sense that you're on a bad trajectory. Aspire and become a solid 7.
 foxonatrain
Joined: 6/9/2010
Msg: 33
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How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/17/2012 10:32:06 PM

I honestly have no interest in that lifestyle.. I know it may seem strange coming from a 22 year old, but I've never been into the party/bar scene and sex is not a major motivator for me seeking a relationship. I guess my total lack of experience will suck for "her" when I finally find someone but if they are the person I'm looking for that shouldn't be a big deal for them anyway.


It's not strange at all. Different people want different things. Some people want a companion as opposed to just a hot piece of... you know. I will say that you should get some experience with going on dates though. Even if they're not going to lead to anything just for the sake of experience.


I will agree that I should focus more on a my weight/health. I'm probably about 70-80 pounds overweight and it effects my self-esteem majorly, I've just had severe issues in the willpower department.


There's no excuse for not at least trying. I'm also well over my ideal weight and a couple of months ago I started going hiking every weekend at a hill close to home, about a 5-10 minute drive. I lost about 15 lbs in those couple of months from the hikes along with some healthier eating habits. My weight kind of got plateaued but I'm still going on the hikes and I definitely feel better overall. No reason you can't squeeze in some sort of work out an hour or two every other day.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 34
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:52:22 AM
i used to be the same way when i was younger. it all depends on what you want from a relationship. if you want the hottest girl you can get to make you look cool to your friends, go with a hottie. if you want a decent girl to have an actual meaningful relationship with, try to look for personality and morals first. besides, a lot of the time those really hot chicks are much more trouble than theyre worth.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 35
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:48:33 AM

meeting people in the real world will always be a better experience -
and you can gauge the compatibility of each other a lot better.


People also tend to not completely ignore your existence in the real world... There, you actually get the chance to tell the other person what you have to say
 bamasteve88
Joined: 6/17/2012
Msg: 36
How to be less shallow?
Posted: 10/8/2013 7:07:20 PM
Very true. I was in a 6 yr relationship that ended two years ago(I was 23). I drank myself stupid for two weeks but decided to get back in shape. I lost 40 lbs and I'm still hitting the gym 4-5 times a week. Stop the drive thru's, clean your diet, hit the gym and start having fun. Just don't break anyone's heart and you'll be good. Also, when you're ready to find the one, be the guy that you would envision her with and you'll get her. Good luck
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