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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 1
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Hello forum,

This is my first time to post on these forums, and I hope some people can offer me some advice. I am stumped and don't know what to do. The post is LONG, sorry about that.

I've been together with my girlfriend for almost a year. Technically we met over a year ago. It started as a one night stand that developed into something else. I know the advice not to try to date a girl you just meet at a party and hook up with for a night, but somehow it happened.

Anyway, after being together (not officially) for about 4 months we had unprotected sex. She told me she was fine, and her past partners had protected sex. A couple weeks later I noticed something a bit odd. So naturally I went to the doc. Turns out I had an STI. So was given antibiotics to take for a couple weeks. I talked to her about it. I know she wasn't 100% innocent, and I was with no one since I met her. So I told her to go to the doc to get checked as well. She did, and of course she had it too. Thankfully she got checked for HIV and was (-). This was about the end of September.

Besides this draw back the relationship was great! She went out of her way so that she could see me, she was always extremely thoughtful, we went on a trip together and I began to trust her. At the end of September/early October I finally asked where our relationship really was headed, and told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She agreed.

She also said I was her first boyfriend. Mind you, this girl is a few years older than me and I am in my mid 20's. So I was a bit shocked. So I just tried to be the best boyfriend I could be.

Then about December or January, I noticed something else...erm...down there. So it was back to the doc. Doc thought it was HPV. So I'm still being treated for the little 'wart'.

It was about time that I decided I had to confront her about her sexual history. Something I would never really want to ask, but since it was affecting my health...I think I had a right to know. I wanted to know how many times she had unprotected sex and what kind of girl she really was. She told me she had about 9 one night stands, all of them from clubs/bars when she was really drunk. One time she said a condom wasn't used but she was too drunk to really even know until it was too late. I only half believed her because it seemed pretty obvious in bed that she had sex more than 9 times. But I gave the benefit of the doubt because I wanted to trust her.

I was a bit shocked. But I do realize this is the modern world. I think 9 one night stands in the last 2 years is kind of a large amount, however I found it forgivable. That number is about double my partners. She is a super nice girl though, and she told me she hadn't been with anyone since she met me.

Fast forward to last week, and I just learned a lot of other things. It all started with her making out at a party with another girl, she was super drunk. I've seen her kiss girls before and it never really bothered me. But full on making out is not something I consider someone in a relationship would be doing...even if it is girl/girl. I began to be a bit concerned about how she acted when she was drunk and I wasn't around since I trusted her and let her go to clubs with her friends and whatnot. She swore she didn't do anything with guys, only girls and just kissing/making out. I told her I didn't like it, it is still another person. She said she wouldn't do it again.

Then finally she came to tell me about her wild past. She told me she didn't know how many men she really was with, but maybe about 2 different guys every month for 2 years. So I am guessing about 50. I personally think that is an outrageous number. But if it was with healthy relationships, or at least half of them, I could at least consider the possibility. However, she told me "anyone" was basically okay. So I find this really slutty and have a hard time wrapping my heart and mind around this. To know that there were at least 50 guys before me that had to do practically nothing for her to give herself to. One time a condom broke and on a short stint of meeting a guy the second or third time for sex she chose not to use a condom! Much different than what she told me before!

Then, the real nail in the coffin is when she said she was with 2 other guys after we met. Still not boyfriend and girlfriend, still kind of just friends with benefits, but I did see her more than a half dozen times. I tried really hard to forget about that. But then she told me that on a trip to the U.S. (I am American, she is foreign) with her friend, she also slept with a guy from a club. That trip to the U.S. was only about 2 weeks before asking her to be my girlfriend. I already had spent her birthday with her, had a short trip, she came to my house, and I'd seen her a dozen times!! I know we never agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I think it was apparent that it was a bit more than your average club hookup. So that was 3 other guys after she met me, and quite a few lies scattered in between.

I really do believe I am her first boyfriend. I am the first guy that saw something special in her to stick around. She told me the reason she did all this was that she felt she just couldn't find love and before having to get married through a possible arrangement she needed to do it (in her country arranged marriages are still a thing if the girl can't find a partner before a certain age). Overall I think she is a sweet girl. I think she finally has told me everything honestly. I do believe her when she says after we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend she didn't cheat on me. However, I'm not sure if I should count the times in limbo, especially the one from the U.S. 2 weeks before I asked her. I know she had trust issues and thought I was just playing her. She met me the same way she met all her previous one night stands. But like I said it should be obvious that it was different. I was the first one to call her back to hang out.

I am trying really hard to be understanding. I really do love her. I don't want to break up with her, I want to still try. See if I can accept in in time. But in all honesty I think she can never be the girl I could marry. Sure a girlfriend. Someone I care and love for. But not the last girl I could sleep with for the rest of my life without letting her past destroy me. I wish I never got an STI so that I never had to ask. I wish I was just oblivious thinking it was a number countable on both hands... I wish I didn't love her. I figured I'd try for a couple more months, and if I personally can handle it, it is probably best to stop wasting her time and my time since the relationship would never go beyond boyfriend and girlfriend in most likely hood.

Forum, I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice from past relationships? This I think is a difficult one. Or even if no one has advice, at least an opinion. I'd like to hear both female and male responses.

Thank you. :(
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 2
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:08:05 PM
If I were you, given your "story" so far, and having been lied to repeatedly it seems, I'd wonder how I could ever trust her, and when I was going to find out about the *next* "little lie". I'm pretty sure I would have bailed by now though.
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 3
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:18:23 PM
HearMeOut

Sorry if it wasn't clear. I was tested for STDs a full screening a few months after my last sexual relationship. I knew I was clean. Before I had sex with her, she told me she was clean. Should I have asked her for the printed test results.

After that I didn't have unprotected sex with her. I then used a condom. And until today do. I think people should take personal liability for their actions. If she KNEW she had unprotected sex, and had sex with 50 men in the past, she should have been tested before she asked me to do it. Before she told me it was okay.

I am not blaming anyone. But I have been 100% honest with her, the whole way through. Again, I agree her sexual past isn't my problem. But it becomes my problem when I get infected because of it. I still stayed with her for about a half year afterwards. The problem I am having now is that she wasn't honest with me. And, let's face it...sleeping with any 50 guys is pretty slutty. I would think the same of a guy who did it. I just wouldn't care because I am not sleeping with him.

I am looking for advice, not flaming or criticizim that doesn't help the situation. Thank you. I
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 4
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:25:47 PM
I've been with this girl for 1 year. I love this girl. That is why it is so difficult. That is why I need advice in numbers. I am not hugely experienced with relationships. I've only had a couple. So I need confirmation that my next course of action is in mine (and her's) best interest. Besides this sexual mess, everything else seems like floating on clouds.

So far it seems like my gut is telling me the right thing though. Which both scares me and makes me incredibly sad. :(
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 5
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:42:07 PM
Okay. I understand that you can't understand the situation and you feel like you may have to be the feminine voice of equalization and reason. I do thank you for your input, I just wish you could see it less of an attack on my girlfriend and more on my concerns. However, I would rather have real advice from women on if this is something you think I should look past. Is this something that females would find acceptable, etc.

I mentioned that I only had a few past relationships. All were protected sex. I was tested immediately after and 4 months after because I know the deal with HIV, etc. I know HPV isn't detectable. But given my history, and her's as well as the timing of a few months after having unprotected sex with her...well I can only logically deduce. Sure is there other possibilities for the HPV, maybe. But I never even told her that I got it from her. I just said I got it. I even mentioned that tons of people have it so I couldn't say it was from her.

And I don't think she is a slut. I think her past is slutty. Not even the number exactly, but that she didn't even do it with guys she wanted. Just guys who wanted her. Her words, not mine... I said "she is a sweet girl." jeeze.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 6
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:49:21 PM
As forums1 above said, how can you trust her ? and without trust, how can you have a healthy relationship ?

What is it you love about her ? her being so trustworthy ?

Whether you love her or not, get out of that mess. Do you want to stick around and learn something else the hard way ? (that's assuming you're not in for further learning down the road even if you call it quits now)

Go see a doctor, explain the mess you got yourself into, have every imaginable test run on you and a schedule made for retests as necessary until you're sure you're clean again.

Lastly, don't forget to live and learn.
 Anna_Bolina
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 7
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:54:53 PM
Seems like your girlfriend doesn't give you important information until she is basically confronted. I don't know about you, but I don't think I could be with someone, always wondering when I was going to find out the next little tidbit of not so pleasant information.

I think you wrote this thread hoping people were going to tell you that people make mistakes, give her another chance, it's not that bad, etc etc.

It's pretty ****ing bad.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 8
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History
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:24:02 AM
OP, your girlfriend is promiscuous and has unprotected sex at least once since you have been with her. She has lied to you in the past, now she admits she has sex with other guys -- and there may be other men (women too) since you've known her that she hasn't admitted to.

You may love her, but she is not and won't be faithful to you. Whether she actually loves you is questionable; perhaps you're just the guy she is with when she isn't with someone else.

I think you knew what you need to do before you posted here. Whether you will actually do it, I don't know. But I can tell you that if I were in your place I'd stop seeing her immediately, refuse any requests she might make to see you, and wait long enough before seeing anyone else for a follow-up test for STDs (more than just the basics, please) has a good opportunity to detect anything that may still be in your system.
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 9
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:37:39 AM
Thank you for all your responses so far. They have been helpful in clearing my head. I am especially thankful to the women who have stayed on topic to offer their advice an help. It is a point of view I can never have on my own.

I am also sorry to those women whom I may have offended. Personally I think there is a difference between being a slut and being slutty. My girlfriend is NOT a slut! And I would appreciate that you do not insinuate that I believe she is. However, I do believe in the past she was overly promiscuous, call it what you wish. I will never say my girlfriend IS a slut. Get over yourselves, and stop dwelling on your false impression of me as an individual. Also don't assume because I come here seeking advice from strangers and you half a false sense of me "blaming" her for GIVING me the STI and have zero responsibility and that you think I do not love her. I am concerned mainly that she lied to me about being clean. For F sake! This is a main why I am afraid to leave her, because I don't want to deal with over inflated female egos who would rather show that the man isn't innocent and that he is at fault than help the man out.

And I guess some commentary are correct. I am judging her. That is what is hard. I don't know how I should. We all judge people. Especially the people we want to be with. I don't know if I should judge based on her past, or how she has been when she has been really with me. This is the reality. And many guys are true about me now having a trust issue with her. But I REALLY REALLY want to believe that there is nothing else. She knew that telling me could end the relationship, but she did because she felt she couldn't continue lying to me. I respect that entirely and find it a very noble action that does not exist very often in modern society.

As far as why I am posting this to strangers is because exactly that. Anonymous. Do I want people to know who my girlfriend is? No! Do I want honest responses. Yes!

I mean I have definitely learned to be much more cautious about having unprotected sex with my partner. However I still want to fall short of paranoia and ask for the printed results. I mean, that just seems crazy a bit to me. But I guess it may be better than the alternative which I have experienced. I will take that advice, thank you, and maybe in my next relationship just suggest getting tested together. That definitely would have been the most wise thing. But passion knows very little wisdom. And I guess that's the price to pay.

I am not a martyr. I know I made tons of mistakes in this relationship. Tons of stupid things I should have followed my instincts on. Don't think of me as a martyr. A disillusioned lover and a fool would be a more accurate description.

Thank you for all your contributions. I was surprised so many people answered. I am eternally grateful. :)
 Acehonestlady
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 10
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Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:43:56 AM
You are clearly not happy with this so either try to see why she lied about the amount of sexual partners or get rid. If you meet another girl that has had a lot of men and she is honest about it then don't judge her to be like this one. Nothing wrong with a woman having lots of partners like men do but it is the dishonesty and the fact that you are not happy. She might have lied as it is hard to feel accepted by a man if a woman has had a lot of partners (unlike the reverse) but to lie about always using protection when she has not is not excusable. If you are not happy then don't carry on with her.
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 11
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:19:08 AM
Thank you! :)

I hope that the one thing we learn from this relationship is to be more sexually careful. I also hope she doesn't choose to go down the same road as before. I hope within this one year I could give her enough confidence so that she chooses who she wants and likes--even if just for one night.
 gentlebear22
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 12
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Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:47:50 AM
She sounds like she is a alcoholic and slut. Dude, you are in for heartache and drama if you continue to see her.
Work on yourself for awhile and you will attract a better quality lady into your life.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 13
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:55:52 AM

T I still want to fall short of paranoia and ask for the printed results. I mean, that just seems crazy a bit to me.
There is no point asking the other person to be tested if you don't ask to see the results. Yes, it's awkward and uncomfortable and unromantic BUT it makes you feel very grown up and responsible also.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 14
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Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 2:54:33 AM

I hope that the one thing we learn from this relationship is to be more sexually careful. I also hope she doesn't choose to go down the same road as before. I hope within this one year I could give her enough confidence so that she chooses who she wants and likes--even if just for one night.


Look at what you wrote..your girlfriend gave you two STD's..slept with at least 50 plus men and women..has a drinking problem..self esteem problem..has a problem with lying. But she is not a slut, just her past is slutty. RIGHT!

And now..with this..you hope you have 'saved' this girl from herself?

What a guy..wait..uh oh..looks like your shining armor has some leakage about the groin area..better have that looked at, baka.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 15
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 5:20:18 AM
I, too, have an opinion on women who'll have sex on the first date and it's not the "popular" one here in this forum. But your girlfriend proves my point yet again - if she's willing to hook up with you 2 hours after you've met her, how many OTHER guys has she done it with? Well, you've found out quite a few. Doesn't surprise me in the least.

Add to the fact that even after she started dating you, she still had ZERO boundaries. If I were a guy, I wouldn't touch this girl with someone else's d*ck.

Sorry.
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 16
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 5:30:24 AM
I agree with a lot of these statements.

For the record though, those guys she saw are when she considered me a "friend with benifits". She hasn't had one healthy relationship before me so I'm wondering if she just thougt I was another guy using her. After I told her I want to be her boyfriend, she says she hasn't cheated. For some reason I do believe this, although yes after so many lies now I'm wondering if I am too dense to see if that is also a lie.

I guess whatever it is, in the end it's probably not the best thing for a long term serious relationship.

We were tested again and are clear of the STI except HPV...which we haven't found a place that tests it. Also good to know about skin contact... :(

And to the poster who made the jab at me being a "knight in shining armor." I guess I would like to consider myself to have some ounce chivalry and honor. Although many things and painful experiences occurred. For the most part, the good was real good. And although she has caused me trouble and anguish a few times and most recently she has taken away loneliness and fulfilled my life in many ways. I wish her all the happiness in the world and hope her experiences with me can help her make better decisions for future relationships, just has she has done for me. If that's so wrong, well then I guess I'm wrong.
 sasurai
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 17
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 6:15:42 AM
I'm not trying to convince you that I am a good guy. It takes two to tango and I tangoed. Obviously, that night I was no better than she. Yes this is all "my story" but I honestly want a real evaluation. So I am trying to present it as accurately as possible.


I'm trying to figure out what she was/is thinking. Trying to present it here so that I can get feedback if it is a valid argument that she is making. Wondering if I should still work on it. Seeing if there is a possibility that she really wants to change. But there definitely is the overwhelming response to get out. Deep down I know you are all right. It's those deepest parts next to the soul which hurt the most.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 18
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 6:39:25 AM
Bottom line is, you are not comfortable with her ability to make good choices for herself. This is a serious issue.

The way she cares for herself is downright reckless...getting so drunk you dont even know who is touching, entering your body? Almost suicidal.

Even if I didnt have an exclusive arrangement with a man...if I had feelings for him, I could never be persuaded to shag another. This is very telling that she did that while seeing you.

In your shoes, I would break it off.
 blissness108
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 19
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Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:06:13 AM
I am not here to coddle or enable anyone, but sasurai, it took mega balls to share this, and my heart actually breaks reading this.

I go to a place where I wonder what happened in her past to set her on this path. I am not denying her responsibilty and the fact that we choose what we do, but omg. Makes me sad. I wonder what is inside you that is drawn to her, too.

On a bigger scope it makes me hurt , how we might care so little for ourselves and others, feel awareness for man's inhumanity to man, how we lose connection to ourselves, get lost, lose the path, detach, make poor choices.

I hope you find peace. I hope you get a whole lot of tests. If you can speak to a therapist about the internal battle, might be a good exploration so you can move forward in your life.

To me there is a noble side to you that wants to see the best in her and the situation. I do not think it is a bad thing. It just does not seem to be integrated in reality, though, but hey been there done that myself. It took me 32 years to come to some realizations about my partner and myself, take this opportunity now and move forward. If you don't grow/learn from it, that is the tragedy, not that it happened. I think many of us have horror stories, the question is what did we learn and are we still doing the same thing bringing us in the infinite loop of pain, and frustration.

Heartfelt wishes for healing for you and her. D
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 20
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:12:33 AM

before having to get married through a possible arrangement she needed to do it (in her country arranged marriages are still a thing if the girl can't find a partner before a certain age)



I'm trying to figure out what she was/is thinking.


She is thinking that you will marry her so she does not get trapped in an arranged marriage where the man would probably put a stop to her partying.

If you marry her she is free to continue to party and have sex with anyone she wants (or who wants her) if you catch her and divorce her she will still be free as there will not be an arranged marriage for a divorced woman.

RUn, run fast! It's a trap! (but I'll bet that the sex is amazing...)
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 21
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:20:35 AM
she told me "anyone" was basically okay. So I find this really slutty
...In other word's the action's of a slut. As another poster stated how else would you see her if you used these word's to describe her behaviour?
Why are you even here saying you are single and no mention of your g/f in your profile?
You'll be pushing it to find a 'coffee friend' ...Would you like cream with that?
She was with 2, (TWO), 1 +1=2, 3-1=2 men AFTER she met you within two weeks...What does that tell you?
She sounds like a nympho who seriously need's help before she goes around spreading diseases. To think these two guy's would have almost certainly been infected.....who are they sleeping with now?
She's seriously NOT making an effort.
The ball is in your court.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 22
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Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:01:00 AM
Past behavior is a good indicator of present/future behavior. You can't change her. Until she takes ownership of her behavior, nothing will change.

You can get a good idea of a person's character by who they associate with. Birds of a feather flock together. If her friends behave like her, well...you get the picture.

Remember...actions speak louder than words.
 _Full_of_Awesome_
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 23
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:27:59 AM
sasurai,

The odds of this story turning out well are unfortunately about nil. The number of partners that she has had doesn't bother me. The fact that she lies and is reckless is what bothers me.

I wish you luck. If you are going to stay with her, you will need it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 24
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Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:39:15 AM
Honey, it has nothing to do with morals relative to before you met or after you met but were not exclusive, numbers, yada, yada. That she slept with someone during that not exclusive window is enough difference in your personalities; you wouldn't have done it, she thought nothing of doing it.

She will apparently screw anything while drunk and I doubt your relationship would suddenly pop into her head as to why she couldn't screw another girl or guy.

You may love her but we sometimes love people that are damaging to us. Find someone with the same values you have and you're good to go.
 gentlebear22
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 25
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Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:17:39 AM
Her thinking does not mean anything. It is her actions what matter. She overindulges in booze and sleeps around are
her actions.
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