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Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 1
Six Months Later Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I apologize in advance for my poor grammar and spelling..

My girlfriend of 9yrs ended our relationship out of the blue the day before valentine's day. Nothing leading up to the day she left indicated there was a problem in our relationship. I know a lot of people are going to think that she walked out b.c she was tired of waiting around for a ring but we had many talks leading up to that day about getting married and the day was coming sooner then later. The explanation she gave me for her decision was that she has not loved me for months or longer and felt it was the best time to walk away from the relationship. She felt that we had grown apart over the year and didn't share any of the same interest's. Her examples were comical to say the least. I was crushed took me almost three months to get over the fact she wanted nothing to do with me. I have never seen this part of her before in all the years i have known her she was just cold hearted and was very clear she wanted nothing to do with me.
Six months later she calls crying on how she made the worst mistake of her life and now she wants me back. Now I'm a very loyal also stubborn person so I just can't get over the fact that you can just walk out on someone like she did. I also at times have no problems at biting my nose to spite my face. So even if i really wanted to get back with her I wouldn't just on principle alone. I really have found out over the years I have no problem cutting someone out of my life with out a blink of an eye.
Yet I'm hurting just thinking about how upset she is. I feel bad for her because she is financially struggling and doesn't have any family support at all. It really upsets me knowing she is going through the same thing I was just six months ago even though six months I couldn't wait for this day so she could get a taste of her own medicine. It turns out that's not the case. Deep down I'm hurting just thinking about the pain she is feeling right now but I have no intentions on taking her back. I guess I'm just confused b.c I also question why she wants me back. Not sure why I made this post or what I'm trying to get out of it just felt the need to get it out of my head.. Do people genuinely fall back in love with someone?
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 2
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Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:43:42 PM

I also question why she wants me back.

Stab in the dark here, but I speak from experience.
The guy she left you for dumped her.
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 3
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:43:45 PM
Certainly she has other friends other than you? Even if she doesn't, not your problem. If someone breaks up with me, not just walks out in anger, but actually says we are done, it is over, I NEVER take them back. Not out of principle but because I found they will do it again, because they think they can.
Joined: 1/29/2012
Msg: 4
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:52:45 PM
Sorry, I don't think it's a coincidence her struggling is coinciding with her sudden need to get back with you.

The reasons you're feeling sorry for her is because 1) She was a big chunk of your life 2)Need of closure 3)You're not a heartless person.

Getting up and walking out on a six relationship just because she wasn't feeling it anymore is not a rash decision. This was something she thought through for awhile and decided not to give ya a heads up. Ice cold.

Don't let your soft spot for her, your wounded heart and empathy, cloud your judgement. She made her bed and was happy lying in it until it was no longer comfortable. Too bad.

She didn't care about your hardships, so I'm not sure why you would care about hers. But, if you do; my opinion would be supportive if you so chose to be... only as a "friend" if you will. Ask her straight out, what is it she expects you to do? Give her some money, find her a new place to live, be a sound board? Extend your branch only slightly for this girl. I personally wouldn't even have spoken to her... but if you do decide to be there, be so very little.

For your sanity and well being, just don't take her back.
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 5
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Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:52:46 PM
Here's my opinion - you have absolutely made the right decision not taking her back. I personally do not think people "fall back in love with someone".

Apart from anything else - and you know her better than anyone else - harsh as it may sound, does the fact that she's financially struggling possibly have anything to do with this???

You're only 29 - move on with your life and don't look back.

Best of luck.
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 6
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:06:41 PM
IMO She did believe she had lost those feelings for you.

She dated other guys...maybe even slept with one or two. But each time she would think of you but, like you, she is stubborn and made the decision that she was going to live her life without you.

Months go by, she behaves, has no contact with you, won't even text or call you back because she is trying to move on...move forward into....nowhere....all she does is think of you.

She gave it a good 6 months and failed at her attempt at freeing her heart from didn't work because she is honestly and truly in love with one man and one man

Now comes the part where she has to tell you.....good grief this had to be admit she made the wrong choice. ...not just that but to own up to the pain she caused you.

Believe me, it would have been easier just to walk away and find someone else. keep trying to find what she had with you...but she knew she couldn't because no matter what happens he is not....YOU.

It is brave move. She knows how easy you could tell her no. She was/is willing to take the chance because to her, if she didn't tell you the truth, she would think for the rest of her life...what if?

Love is no easy world to live in...sometimes you have to actually work at making it work and @ acknowleding mistakes....well, some of those times can be pretty tough. But in the end, if you make it right with one will and can be worth it.
Joined: 10/12/2010
Msg: 7
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Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:11:20 PM
Why on earth would you waste 9 years on a person? Maybe she actually wants to have some kids and doesn't want to run out of time.
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 8
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Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:52:55 PM
Tell her you are going to think about it for 6 months and it the meantime she is not to contact you.

You're probably still not over her but getting involved again certainly isn't going to speed that up. If you deserve better, give yourself some more time. She can get whatever she needs from someone else.
Joined: 6/27/2012
Msg: 9
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:56:48 PM
your empathetic to say the least, i dont doubt yall love eachother, i suggest counseling
Joined: 5/16/2012
Msg: 10
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:47:22 PM
quote - I feel bad for her because she is financially struggling and doesn't have any family support at all. It really upsets me knowing she is going through the same thing I was just six months ago

So she didn't care - the better man didn't want to wallet her up as she clearly expects and now she calls " crying, wanting you back, broke and struggling, leaving you the biggest mistake of her life ".

She does not want you, she is a user on cash seek again- walk away!
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 11
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:07:29 PM
walk away man. like some other posters have mentioned, either the guy she left you to be with dumped her, or shes in need of financial assistance. she appears very sincere now because shes emotionally distraught over the problems in her life and probably sees you as a way out. remember how she was when she walked out on you? thats exactly how she will be again once shes through with you. do NOT reward her crappy behavior by taking her back. find someone else.
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:51:56 PM
Nine years IS a long time. Especially at your younger age - it was a big chunk of your life. Do you know if she left you because she had another guy in the background? In order to better figure out the next step, it`s crucial for you to know the true motives for her leaving & sudden change of personality. What you two should really do is go for some counseling TOGETHER, so that a trained volunteer or professional can mediate & guide the two of you in communicating.

If there really is something worth salvaging, it would be a terrible shame to see it go to waste. You're not going to get any younger, & before you know it you're older & your pool of eligible mates is a lot smaller, & they will come with some baggage. - ex's, kids, financial stuff, etc... You can get counseling for cheap if you go to a non-profit agency that has a volunteer counselor program where the volunteers are trained in COUPLES or RELATIONSHIP counseling. Or, if you can afford it, see a professional counselor, but they`re not cheap. And if she`s broke, are you going to pay for it all? If your employer has an Employee Assistance Plan, counselling may be covered. You simpy find out who the agency is that your employer contracts with for that type of service, & then you deal directly with that agency.

I’m certainly no expert on all this, but I do have some background in the field of social services. Speaking from an academic point, it's common for long term couples to have their ups & downs & fall in & out of "love", or at least romantic love. That's not the kind of love that glues your relationship together long term anyway. There are stages to a relationship, & you two are definitely experiencing the conflict stage, or at least SHE was, but she didn't try & talk about it or work it through.

Go online or to a bookstore or library, & you'll find a brief summary of the five stages of relationship: Romance stage, Conflict stage, Stability stage, Commitment stage, Co-creation stage. There's no set time frame for these of course, & you can ping pong between them sometimes instead of it being linear. A lot of couples don't make it past the Conflict stage.

Don't do all this "because you're feeling bad for her". That's the wrong reason. You have to do it because you think the relationship might be worth salvaging. But like I said, in order to come to that conclusion, you probably have to know what was really going on there - why did she leave? What was she thinking? Was there another guy? Or was she naive about the stages of relationship & simply thought it must be over?

Did you guys typically try & talk through tough stuff? Or were issues avoided? And what was YOUR part in it? A counselor is not going to take sides. Both of you had some part in creating what happened, so what was your part in it that maybe could have been avoided? It certainly sounds like there should have been more warning signs or alarm bells before it came to her leaving. Even if you go for counseling & end up not re-uniting, I guarantee you’ll learn some things about yourself, some self-awareness about stuff that may prevent this from repeating in another relationship.
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 13
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 12:15:39 AM
It is possible to "fall back in love" absence make the heart grow fonder, or so they say. However, to the original poster, I would say; UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU GET BACK WITH THIS PERSON!!! I cannot stress that enough. It ended for a reason, what's past is past, and she put you through what sounds like hell! For no reason should you have any sympathy for her whatsoever!

Sorry if that seemed like ranting, but I have been hurt in a very similar way in years past, and have an affinity for seeing karma do it's work now.
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 14
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Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 3:09:26 AM

You say she just up and walked out, having no feelings for you.
There were signs of trouble, but I am sure, like all humans, you were complacent in your feelings/surroundings, and didn't see them.

You say you have no problem cutting people out of our life.
Wanna bet? You're here, you posted this. You even said you were emotionally hurt. you are, typing a very confusing post.

You went through the gauntlet of emotions when she left.

Did you attempt to contact her to work things out...or did you two just split and that was that?

Now..she contacts you, ironically at the same time she is struggling financially. Hmm..

You two were together for a long time..what do you want to do?

I suggest counseling.

IF you two want to get together..go see someone who will tell both of you what the real deal is.
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 15
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 3:34:13 AM
I come from the idea that you never fall out of "real" love. You will always love them no matter what....

That doesn't mean to say that you have to be a doormat. Learn from the relationship. After I divorced, I had no contact with my ex for 8 months. When I wanted closure and to return the last boxes of things of his and his daughters, I tried to drop them off at the daughter's house but she had moved and the last thought was to call my ex and see if he wanted them. In that time, he had also moved 2 hours away but wanted the stuff. He came by a week later and we have been best friends every since then.

Just because they cheat, lie or are financially inept does not mean you shouldn't still love them. It just means you can't always believe what they say and do...but isn't that what friendship and love is all being unconditional...but not stupid.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
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Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 4:11:25 AM
As soon as you said she chose the day before Valentines day to announce the breakup, my first thought was "She wanted to announce to the New Guy who she's been after for a while, that she is now free and clear for him, ON Valentines day."

So my experiences have been like Womac's: the reason I have had women behave exactly as that one did, including the sudden cold superiority, the apparent claim of all sorts of previously unmentioned problems, and the later return, only now admitting all this emotional suffering, has been that her White Knight turned out to have been a scam artist.

Yeah, it could be that she really did think that a break up was good, and it only caused her to realize that she loves you, but I've NEVER seen that actually happens, so I tend to doubt it. Much more common, is that she went for a brass ring, fell off the merry-go-round, and wants to go back to where she felt safe again. That's not love, that's using you to hide from the big bad real world.

What I do NOT doubt, is that she already knows you so well after all these years, and that she knows that the best way to "play" you for what she wants, is to be the wounded heart in need of emotional rescue.

Oh, and I think you are correct, that no one who actually love someone for nine years, could go cold overnight. But that is simply explained, by the fact that ANYONE can pretend to be cold hearted in an instant, and it's a common method used both to make things easier on themselves emotionally, and to facilitate a shorter break-up scene. Meaningless.
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 17
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 4:33:06 AM

she went for a brass ring, fell off the merry-go-round, and wants to go back to where she felt safe again. That's not love, that's using you to hide from the big bad real world.

This is a very good description of what I think happened as well.

Don't get hung up on trying to figure out her mindset. Concentrate only on your own life and how you've been trying to move on -- and keep doing just that.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 6:26:13 AM

Yet I'm hurting just thinking about how upset she is. I feel bad for her because she is financially struggling and doesn't have any family support at all. It really upsets me knowing she is going through the same thing I was just six months ago even though six months

Stop this type of thinking. Stop trying to now trying to rescue her.

The reality of your split has something to do with your lack of communication. So when the emotional switch went off, neither of you was willing to say to the other, Hey I need this. Instead you two sunk deeper and deeper into a sense of emptiness.

Your ex has now experienced the feeling of "missing" someone. The realization that all she did was spin her mind into resentment for something that she didn't even discussed with you to try to figure out how to fix it. Now, perhaps she has been dumped, or has been in other relationships that have allowed her to value you.

But the reality is this. It's too late. Whatever didn't work in the past, will lurk into the relationship again, and it will Zap the energy out of it again.

So do not get back together. Do not try to fix her problems and pretend to be a rescuer. Move on.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 19
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Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 7:20:33 AM
She did make a huge mistake, you two were together since you were teenagers yet no kids, no wedding etc. sure you talked about it but you as the man were obviously holding off for some reason. What was it?
Now she is realising that either you were the only man for her, or that it is going to take her years to find another man to connect with. She is lonely, scared and probably fears missing out on having a family.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 20
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 9:17:13 AM
First love?

Sh!t happens.
She made an error and wants to rectify it.
Maybe it's worth forgiving ....
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 21
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 9:52:04 AM
Well said Igor, I think you hit the nail on the head
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 22
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 10:12:56 AM
OP: post #6 and #10 worth of reading over. You have mentioned about her financial situation, well she has her family to ease this part not you. So that reason of wanting you for financial support is off. The main reason that she walked away from you is a 9 years into nothing just living together....not much more than a room mate and FB( sorry for the word). She spent a good 9 years into relationship without any benefit as a married couple would be entitle. Especially, most states will honor the 10 years deal of any marriage, but she gave you 9 years out of her life that could have built with someone.

The point is she loves you more than you have given into this relationship by making it official. May be she is making a mistake coming back to you and you could do a great deal for her by let go to find a better guy who will cherish and appreciated her more.
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 23
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 10:21:26 AM
not to sound clique, but as Dr Phil would say "Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior".........what's to say that IF you did get back with her that she wouldn't walk out that door again?

I wouldn't go there.........
Joined: 7/17/2011
Msg: 24
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 11:36:44 AM
Yeah.....completely agree with everyone else's assessment. She had someone else that initially made her feel all those magic butterflies inside. Some new guy that played her made her feel special, promised the world, then dumped her. Now she is coming back to you realizing what she did wrong.

Go with your gut bud, your gut is barely ever wrong. Trust me.

Been in your same shoes and I foolishly opened myself back up only to get hurt again. Similar deal......sudden breakup over what seemed like petit issues. She went very cold. Zero acknowledgement of our past or any notion to talk things through. Just a somewhat abrupt and confusing end. Same as in your case, 6 months later she came back. She did not reveal it all, but I pieced the puzzle together and confirmed there was another guy.

Yeah, you have familiar feelings for her, she is comfortable, but she will never be what you really want now. And don't think for a minute you can 'just' be friends with her. The moment you see her again it will all come spilling back and I bet you'll be in bed with her quickly. That's just how it works! Then she'll have you wrapped around her finger.

But you already know all of this, which is why you are on here writing. You know what is going on. Keep your distance.
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 25
Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 11:41:48 AM
I know exactly how u feel! Weird how ppl act the way that they do out of the blue! And it's a good thing u decided not to take her back cuz there's no guarantee that it won't happen again cuz it will!

Despite the problems she's having financially well frankly that's not ur problem anymore. Its tough to turn ur back on someone u spent a long time with but truth be told, things happen for a reason.

Just let her be and move on and find someone who treats u better. Ppl always realize their mistake afterwards when they have lost the person for good. And no I don't believe that ppl can genuinely fall back in love with someone. Its a moment of weakness if u ask me. Don't fall for that and move on. Its always better to move forward in life not backward. That's my motto in life.
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