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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > How to save a child from becoming their parent?      Home login  
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 Franziskaner
Joined: 1/28/2012
Msg: 1
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?Page 1 of 1    
My ex and I have extremely different opinions about dating and how to go about it with kids. She is the type to move herself and all three kids(only one of which is mine) into some man's house she's only been dating a month. As soon as the relationship dissolves, she ships all three children to their respective fathers until she has moved in with the next one. Currently, she's on her third one in a year. Which means my daughter has been shipped from TX to IN and back 3 times. We currently have joint custody where she is with me all summer and alternating holidays. and don't get me wrong, I love having my baby here with me. However, it is extremely difficult to watch my daughter moving in and out of a steady stream of strangers' houses. Taking her mother to court is not an option at the moment due to fighting across state lines and the fact that because I am forced to pay all travel expenses, every time I get money saved up, I get the call that she's been kicked out and I need to come get my daughter. I have to give my ex props in that she removes the children from a negative situation and places them with the person that they need most, but I fear that this will cause my daughter the notion that she can't survive without a man. In order to counter this, I feel that I have to be overly responsible and frequently deny myself relationships so that she can see the value of independence and being self-sufficient. Am I over-reacting? Personally, I feel that stability in the child's home is the number one priority on a parent's list of things to do. Is there any other single parents out there with this same problem? How do you deal with it?
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 2
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/3/2012 11:34:49 PM
I think you need full-time custody of your child. Point Blank.
If you cant go to court? Call CPS. They have to investigate within 24 hours of a report. Tell the caseworker you talk to that you demand your child be placed with you immediately, until the mother goes to the CPS court hearing that will determine if she can retain keeping her children. I know that sounds down and dirty, but you do what you gotta do to protect your offspring. Think "Big Papa Lion protecting his young".

Does she have any stable family members that can take the other children?
Can their fathers take them in and care for them full-time?
Can you/would you be willing to foster the kids that are not yours?
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 3
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 3:36:13 AM
You should try to get custody of your daughter. That is not healthy for her.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 4
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:04:34 AM
Along with seeking custody, you should find a good therapist for yourself and your daughter.

You are right in your thought process, this is not good for her.
So get that lovely young lady of yours someone to talk to before it becomes an issue to her.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 5
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 9:39:54 AM
I agree with Audrianna.

You offer a stable home, and she doesn't. If you file for full custody while she is with you, she will stay with you until the courts deem otherwise. Obviously she doesn't have money or she'd have a stable home for her kids. An ex of mine actually went through this, he fought for custody and won. The mother was doing the exact same thing you describe there. He was in Jersey and she was in Maryland when he took her to court. She had 3 or 4 kids, all different dads and was jumping from house to house. You can do it. And he said it was expensive but he'd do it all over again if he had to.
 MissShelle
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 6
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 10:02:39 AM
My ex-husband and I have actually done really well with this issue. We have been apart for about 7 years. During this time, he moved in with one women. He quickly realized that was a mistake and he moved out. I have not had anyone move in or lived with anyone since I left him.

My children's stability is my first priority always. And as far as dating, my girls meet very few men I have dated over the years. I'm not bringing anyone into their life until I know them well enough to see if they would be the kind of men I want around my daughters.

My ex-husband approaches it the same way. We are lucky in that aspect.

For your situation, I do believe something needs to be done. It is not healthy for her to see this, to believe it's okay to have so many temporary relationships as well as the high-risk situations she is being exposed to. No one knows anyone well enough after a month to live together, let alone introduce children into the mix.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 7
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 4:04:44 PM
why the heck would anyone encourage CPS involvement in someones life??? go to family court... change the court orders on your own.... CPS implies abuse.... moving from man to man is stupid but not abuse... at least not here in California.... CPS wouldn't remove custody... they would have dad go to court on his own and show his own ability to protect instead of asking someone (CPS) to do it for him.... most family courts have a help desk... you can file without an attorney and save some money... or even have a paralegal help for cheaper...
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 8
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 4:49:54 PM
^^^ Because these children are virtually homeless, and it is not safe for them to live like nomads.
Being tossed on the streets on a frequent basis is cause for major concern, obviously. It would not be wise to do nothing until these kids are sleeping behind a dumpster, after being molested and abused by one of Moms gracious hosts.
Because obviously the Father would be the best caretaker in this scenario, and since there are obstacles that preclude him from going to court, he needs to get his child in a safe stable home. If he needs CPS help to protect his child, so be it.
CPS can give the Mother a case plan to follow and mandate that she provides some sort of stable housing situation in order to regain her children.

Dont know about you, but I will keep my children safe and happy at any cost.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 9
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 4:54:44 PM
the father can be the best caretaker by going to court on his own.... these kids aren't sleeping on the streets and there is no evidence that they have been abused by any of the mothers poor choices.... his not going to court on his own can imply neglect on his part if CPS gets involved.... if CPS gets involved.... dad will have a case plan too... as will the kids.... it will disrupt the whole family... I am all for CPS but only when there is no parent able to protect on their own....

funny that you say you keep your kids safe at any cost.... well sometimes that cost means going to court on your own dime... and not making the government do it for you....

we only know the fathers side in this case.... wonder what the mother would say about him???
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 10
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 5:03:04 PM
The so-called family needs to be disrupted.

Dad is not the one on blast, the Mom is. CPS will help him get his child out of a crappy situation.
They do more than just take peoples kids, they also help people in need of help.


these kids aren't sleeping on the streets and there is no evidence that they have been abused by any of the mothers poor choices..


So just kick back and wait until it does happen? F**K no. This is a innocent child we are talking about, not a damn animal. If Mom gets butthurt over CPS being invoved, too damn bad. The child is what matters, not her little feeeeeeelings. Given the situation, you really think that ending up on the streets and/or getting beaten or molested by one of Moms "buddies" is to far off? It is only pure luck it has not already happened.
So what if Dad does get a caseplan intended to help him? Sometimes families need help, and if they can help him protect his family, thats a good thing.


well sometimes that cost means going to court on your own dime... and not making the government do it for you....


And he stated why he is not able to go to court on his own dime. He needs help. He deserves help. The CHILD deserves help.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 11
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 5:15:31 PM
you are being dramatic... he said she calls and sends them to their fathers.... they are not on the streets... there is nothing in there that says they have slept anywhere other than in a bed..... there is no evidence that the mother has had the children abused... maybe all the men were great guys.... we don't know... I don't know if you have any personal experience with CPS but most who have would not do that.... plus when you are involved in the CPS system you are charged for the services... my guess is it is more than what it would cost to do on ones own....

I guess I have to RESTATE... most family courts have help desks.... that help people fill out the custody paperwork.... and there are fee waivers for those who are lower income.... there are also fathers rights groups.... they help with legal as well....



per op....
I have to give my ex props in that she removes the children from a negative situation and places them with the person that they need most .
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 12
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/4/2012 5:45:53 PM

you are being dramatic... he said she calls and sends them to their fathers.... they are not on the streets... there is nothing in there that says they have slept anywhere other than in a bed..... there is no evidence that the mother has had the children abused... maybe all the men were great guys.... we don't know...


They are not on the streets, YET. And only because she ship the kids off when her ass does hit the streets. Which is why there needs to be an intervention. These are KIDS. You dont take chances with little precious children. The next guy may very well be the one who hurts these kids.
If these so-called boyfriends and lovers put this woman and her kids out on the street, that says that these men are losers, and she is a loser for being involved with such scumbags over, and over, and over. I would be inclined to think she is taking up with junkies in crackhouses, if each and every new man puts her and her kids on the street when he tired of them. This is a dangerous "lifestyle".

I am on the father and the childrens side. I feel for the Mom, but she cant care for those kids the way she is living right now. Someone has to intervene. She is playing with her kids lives.


I don't know if you have any personal experience with CPS but most who have would not do that.... plus when you are involved in the CPS system you are charged for the services... my guess is it is more than what it would cost to do on ones own....


Yes I do I worked as a paper pusher for my states child protective offices as a second part time job. They dont charge for services. They help families GET services via crisis intervention. And they are required to act immediately on a report. Going to court can take time. Locating a fathers group who can act as an advocate can take time. Applying for free lgal aid can take time.
With kids well-being involved, there is not time to waste. If getting dramatic saves his child and gets her off the street and with her father, I am all for getting dramatic.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 13
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/5/2012 12:18:01 AM
hmmm....

8:00 am show up at help desk.... fill out paperwork.... file ex parte petition for change of custody..... see judge that day.... have change made.... serve mother with next court date.... show up.... represent self.... prove with EVIDENCE you are the better parent.... get custody....

not really that time consuming..... I see it everyday.....

and in California... you are billed for services rendered through CPS... when it involves the courts and you are provided an attorney.... CPS will act immediately when there is eminent danger or risk.... when there is a current allegation of abuse where the child is not safe in the home... CPS could also backfire on him.... and provide her services which support the children in her home.... and I know for a fact... if he has not proven to be protective.... he is just as much at fault as she is... knowledge without action is neglect....

I know we aren't going to agree... but I do think it is HIS job to protect his children... not the government... but hey... lets call CPS for him and see how it plays out....
 judgeliz
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 14
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/5/2012 12:35:36 AM
hmmm....

8:00 am show up at help desk.... fill out paperwork.... file ex parte petition for change of custody..... see judge that day.... have change made.... serve mother with next court date.... show up.... represent self.... prove with EVIDENCE you are the better parent.... get custody....
not really that time consuming..... I see it everyday.....
and in California... you are billed for services rendered through CPS... when it involves the courts and you are provided an attorney.... CPS will act immediately when there is eminent danger or risk.... when there is a current allegation of abuse where the child is not safe in the home... CPS could also backfire on him.... and provide her services which support the children in her home.... and I know for a fact... if he has not proven to be protective.... he is just as much at fault as she is... knowledge without action is neglect....
I know we aren't going to agree... but I do think it is HIS job to protect his children... not the government... but hey... lets call CPS for him and see how it plays out.... ~iiCeiiCe~

^^^^OMG took the words right out of my fingers...;) CPS is not the first course of action..a child's advocate lawyer that you can ask for through the courts is always the second step...after a parent has made the first one to try and gain custody.
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 15
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/5/2012 12:46:56 AM
But how long does that take?! When Dad is running on low funds and different states are involved? How much worse will the situation get in the meantime?

I have a girlfriend who once did this........one day the latest boyfriend ended up punching her WITH her toddler in her arms.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 16
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/5/2012 12:52:26 AM
if you do try to get custody of your child from this woman, i wish you luck. its almost impossible to get full custody of a child unless a woman decides to just let you have it. in most states the courts are very gender biased when it comes to this sort of thing.
 TC2u
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 17
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/7/2012 5:26:51 AM
why the heck would anyone encourage CPS involvement in someones life???


Amen to that, totally bad idea. No, you're not over reacting, you're under reacting. As suggested, file for full custody.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:02:04 AM
You need to call and see if your state court system has a child advocacy program. Going to court does not have to mean huge lawyer bills it can go through mediation in many cases.
 Ljrdg42
Joined: 4/24/2011
Msg: 19
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/7/2012 10:23:50 AM
OP, you actually need to find a lawyer that either offers a free consultation or one that wouldnt charge very much for an initial consultation in the state that any court orders pertaining to the children are located and just speak to them about what you have posted here and find out if they believe you have a case to attempt to receive residential custody of your child. You do not need to hire the attorney (unless you want to) just get some information from an actual legal professional instead of from a bunch of strangers on the internet.


Do NOT call CPS. First off they really dont have any reason to remove the children, as long as they are being taken care of, whether in different men's homes with their mom or with their fathers and arent being neglected. Second of all, if they did remove them in the state that mom lives in they will not send them to you or anyone else thats in another state until they do an interstate investigation which can take up to 6 months to complete, which the children would remain in foster care while this is being done. Plus they usually are for reuniting the children and the parent they take them from so they more than likely wouldnt want to remove the child(ren) from the state of that parent. Also, CPS would be questioning why it is that when mom sent the child to you so many different times why you didnt do anything, such as trying to get custody, but instead kept sending child back to live with mom knowing this is whats happening thus you are saying mom is a fit parent and should continue being the residential parent.

If you really want a more stable environment for your child then you will find the money to do what you need to do! Sell your stuff, stop eating out save, every dollar you can and see if you can find a lawyer that will take payments or go pro se and read up and learn all of the rules and procedures of the courts.
 booserinc
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 20
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:37:59 PM
Chances are if its anything like here in kansas you could easily go to court where your at. IDK where your origional court proceedings happened but mine happened 2 hours away. If she jumped state we go to court in the same place. If your court was anywhere in your state just talk with your lawyer (if you have the same one or whatever) and get her to court. Bring proof. I really doubt the court would be in texas or whatever the other state is or she would have had to take you to court first to change living of custody. Good luck man.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 21
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How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:31:58 PM
all or most, single moms are just like your x!
live with it
and be careful who you have kids with
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 22
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:54:00 PM
CPS is not some big scary monster. They have services to assist families in crisis, they dont just walk in and say your kids are abused we are taking them away", unless of course they are being abused.

If they had been called yesterday likely the OP would have his kid by tomorrow morning, if not already tonight, while CPS sends a crisis intervention team out to assist the Mother in standing on her feet and transitioning into being a more stable parent, and identifying how they can help her provide a stable home.

But, your kid, your call. If you think she is safe jumping from random dude to random dudes house, then leave it be.
I wouldnt trust it one bit. Nothing wrong with the Mom liking a variety of sex partners, but the kids should not be uprooted and tossed on the street every time she gets sick of one or they get sick of her. She needs help building a stable home and life.
 missme2much
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 23
How to save a child from becoming their parent?
Posted: 9/12/2012 11:48:28 AM
The child(ren) definately need stability, you need to go to court and file for full custody and explain what is going on to the judge and friend of the court, so they can make a recommendation based on the facts. Not only is the constant moving bad, but the constant men in and out of the childrens lives is also damaging (who knows- one may be a pedohile). When it comes to your childs best interest- don't whine about the cost. suck it up, get a loan, max out a credit card if you have to, go to legal aid, but HELP YOUR CHILD! That is what responsible parents do.
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