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Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 2
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Relationship/FWBPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Can be many things to many people. The thing you need to do is not ask us, but the one your
thinking about getting into relationship with.

Also to mention, don't jump into bed to quick... will run guys off who are just wanting casual sex with you
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 3
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Posted: 8/5/2012 10:45:57 AM
This happened to me...I have since gotten out of it as I wanted more, he said he did as well but it just wasn't happening. You have a couple of choices you can make from where I stand...Make it clear what you want or enjoy the company and the sex when you get it..I think you know the right answer...Please take care of yourself. PF
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 4
Posted: 8/5/2012 10:47:36 AM
So what is the real distinction between a "relationship" and "friends with benefits." I seem to find myself months into what I think is a relationship only to realize that it is not the case. Is it simply the level of commitment. Is it the potential to move a relationship forward? I mean how do you tell before one has their heart involved and the other is just in it for kicks?

Put them on the lie-detector when you first meetup and start asking all those "relationship" intent related questions...

Start by understanding that when a man (or anyone) oversells his supposed "relationship intent",
it usually means the opposite, that it is just a sales pitch to try to get the "benefits" early.

Most men do NOT know just what they may want from you at the beginning of a relationship.
So the typical over-sell is just a way to try to get those immediate "benefits".
A man who is more circumspect and not telling you all that he *thinks* you may need to hear, may actually be more truthful about not knowing his intent yet.

I am really wanting to know how to avoid it in the future. I mean "the talk" doesn't always leave it clear. The last guy always said give it time..

With other imperfect independent human beings, communication about their intent may always require taking some risk of deception.

Which is why Finding and Maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for all,
it REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control with another imperfect human being like yourself... S
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 6
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Posted: 8/5/2012 10:59:45 AM
You can never KNOW fully what another is thinking.. sometimes you just have to bail when things aren't
going as you would like.
Taking care of yourself and finding someone who is fair and honest with you, makes you feel right with things is not wrong.

You dont want to be strung along.. who would?
If you ever again meet someone and get the feeling you are, all you can do is exit. You will have to have faith in youself and choice... that you did the right thing and move on.

Most problems like the one you mention occur because people ignore the signs... not because they choose not to play the games.
All you have to say is:
sorry but you do not feel the your a good match and be done with it.. keep open for someone wonderful to come into your life...
so many women busy with mr wrong.. mr right could never find her !
Posted: 8/5/2012 11:05:15 AM
I mean how do you tell before one has their heart involved and the other is just in it for kicks? I am committed to avoiding this mistake in the future.

don't let yourself fall in LOVE until the tone and level of interaction reflect the kind of relationship that justifies it. i wouldn't even consider that kind of bonding until i was a year in.

you might monitor the tone of your feelings as you transition back to the rhythms of an unattached person. if you find yourself back on an even emotional keel relatively quickly and easily, consider whether what you felt was merely infatuation, or perhaps idealization of the capital-R Relationship.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 9
Posted: 8/5/2012 11:15:25 AM

No- I ended things when it finally became crystal clear. And I didn't jump into sex easy. I am really wanting to know how to avoid it in the future. I mean "the talk" doesn't always leave it clear. The last guy always said give it time... then I realized asking for time was only his way of avoiding the true relationship.

OP? Unfortunately? There is no way to know. I've waited until "the talk" and shortly after sex is involved things have ended. I've had sex reasonably early on and ended up married to him a year later. I suppose you could abstain until marriage, but the out for that is divorce and that's just not very practical. Honestly? I do not believe there's any way to know except to be prepared for either situation: a parting of the ways, or a potential long-term committed relationship. All of the exclusivity talking in the world doesn't mean that's what's going to remain. Good luck. JMO
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 10
Posted: 8/5/2012 11:34:19 AM

I have pondered that myself. I've been approached by many men on this site...most say 'seeking a relationship' but when I'm messaged the only thing they are seeking is a place to park their penis.

Not all men operate in this fashion, but I've been around long enough to note that seems to be what is utmost on their the woman is receptive to it...and if not they move on....hell, some men once they get it move on as if you never even copulated.

Unfortunately, no one can truly predict what a man or woman really wants. Keep in mind, some of us enter into a relationship thinking it's the fairy tale and find out swiftly it's really just playing house with the benefits and little commitment on the side of either partner. The talk only works if the person you are talking to is really being honest with himself or herself.

Even when I've abstained until the time in which he appeared 'committed' to me, I found out quickly he was only 'committed' until the deal was closed---then it was as-ta la vista baby. No one really wants to be party to a one sided relationship-least I do not.

FWB is a relationship by choice--sometimes by chance, but seldom ends in the fairytale, but often ends in one or both people being hurt. Sucks---but any relationship can bring heart break---especially when you fall in love.
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 11
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Posted: 8/5/2012 11:40:52 AM
You can't know in advance. They don't know in advance either - assuming they ARE looking for a relationhip and not casual dating or FWB. It doesn't matter if they are entirely LTR-oriented with the best intentions - it may not work out, and there is seldom a clear-cut time or situation where that is completely clear, until it actually does become clear. Knowing takes time, and you may get to a point (or they may) where you think things are going fine but perhaps not clearly relationship material. It's always a case of do you give it more time, or do you assume it won't improve and move on.?

At some point one of you will realize there's no permanent future, and then you need to decide about breaking it off - and this is also the point where some decide that FWB is acceptable while you look for someone who is more suitable.
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 14
Posted: 8/5/2012 2:32:11 PM
As I see it....

A "long term relationship" is one entered into, where both individuals genuinely contemplate the possibility of eventually, fully merging their lives. Whether this happens or not, depends on the level of compatibility they eventually determine to have. Neither of them really knows if the objective will be achieved but, hopefully, they both enter into the agreement with the same genuine intentions. If genuine, it is usually monogamous.

A "FWB" relationship is one where two people are genuinely friends, there is an emotional connection and, it is monogamous. It is NOT a booty call (that would be FBs). The difference with a "long term relationship" is that the participants are fully aware of the fact that, the relationship will eventually end. Neither the man nor, the woman is interested in eventually merging lives (such as moving together, marriage, and such.)

It is not all that unusual for people who start with "long term relationship" intentions to end up in a FWB arrangement. The problem in those cases usually is, only one of the participants knows of the new arrangement, and fails to inform the other, usually for selfish reasons.

There are tell tale signs all along as to what kind of relationship we are in but, we would, very often, rather be blind than be objective. ;-)
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15
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Posted: 8/5/2012 3:08:04 PM
Wow. A lot of very worthwhile responses here! Lots to appreciate and think about.

I think that none of the designations actually has any real status to them. The names FWB and FB and others have been around long enough, that lots of folks have begun to talk as though a set of regulations and hard definitions exist, and that our society actually recognizes and supports these things.

I think that's a mirage. The reason people think there is some substance to these things, is just because the words are old.

Actually, you can only have what your partner puts up with.

I think I'll refer to my next desired relationship, as a muoushi gush (or whatever other nonsense syllables cross my mind). It will include dedication to each other, lots of sex of all kinds that doesn't involve other guys, generosity towards each other about what little money we share, and a few other things, including hopefully, lasting effectively forever. But it wont be a marriage, it wont be an FWB, it wont be FB, it wont be "Lovers," etc., simply because all those terms are defined by someone else, in too many ways for them to bother trying to save time by applying them to us.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
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Posted: 8/5/2012 3:58:11 PM
What are his actions? It's pretty easy to tell if someone is romantically interested in you, is treating like you want to be treated, is moving along and building up the relationship as they learn more about you. If you feel like a sex object instead of a date or girlfriend, then that's where the facts show the truth.
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 21
Posted: 8/5/2012 4:54:37 PM

And then again - there is no tellin' what a man will do - they are not predictable.

We do have a few things in common with women after all. :-)
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