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 Full_of_Grace67
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 1
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Can I buy you a drink?Page 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I watched this scenario at a bar a few nights ago and I wanted to see what you guys thought...

I was out with a couple of my single girl friends at a sports bar watching the Olympics and we were sitting at a table together. One of my friends went to the bar to get a drink and a man sidled up to her and said "Hey there, can I buy you a drink?"
She said "Sure, thank you that's very nice"
So he bought her a drink, she turned and thanked him again and walked back to the table....
I watched as he stood there confused and asked her what happened. She told me he offered to buy her a drink and she accepted. I said "Well don't you think you should have stayed and talked to him?"
She replied "Why? All he asked was to buy me a drink. I was very nice and polite. Why should I have stayed when I wanted to come back and drink with you guys?"

I have to admit, I didn't really know what to say. I've been out of the dating scene for a loooong time but the manners in me thinks she should have at least talked to him for a while....

So, when a guy asks a girl if he can buy her a drink, is there more to it or is it just that, a drink? What should he have expected to happen? Should he have asked her if she wanted to stay and chat?

I never frequented bars much when I was single because I don't drink alcohol, so I'm trying to figure out if she was rude or if that was ok?
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 2
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 6:20:57 AM
In my opinion, she should have declined the offer of him buying her a drink since that is a social queue for at the very least speaking with the other person.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 3
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 6:24:46 AM
I don't think she was wrong as such but like you, I would presume the intent of the man who offered to buy a drink, was for her to spend sometime with him. Rather than meaning 'Can I buy you a drink ?' I think he likely meant 'I'd like to spend some time in your company and so, if I buy you a drink, will you stand and chat to me for a while so we can see if we have any mutual interest'. Had she said no, then the message behind that would have been one of no interest.

Another example of people needing to learn to say what they mean and mean what they say.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 4
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 6:53:38 AM
People that aren't socially retarded understand that asking to buy someone a drink means you at least talk to them for the extent of drinking that drink. There's no reason to add more to that initial question. Either the friend was socially retarded or a jerk.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 5
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:00:40 AM
I would never offer to buy a drink to a random woman that I had never spoken to before. Some women will use men for free drinks. If I already had a pleasant conversation with her, then I might offer to buy her a drink.

To answer the question, this women should have either declined his offer or talk to him while she was having the drink that he bought her.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 6
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:16:04 AM

Rather than meaning 'Can I buy you a drink ?' I think he likely meant 'I'd like to spend some time in your company and so, if I buy you a drink, will you stand and chat to me for a while so we can see if we have any mutual interest'. Had she said no, then the message behind that would have been one of no interest.

Another example of people needing to learn to say what they mean and mean what they say.

I had a recent conversation w/ my therapist about another bar scenario- she said "some people are socially aware, some are not."
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 7
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:20:54 AM

but what your friend did is what causes animosity between men and women. If your friend was being ethical, she would have considered the reason he was offering to buy her a drink and then declined the drink. If I asked your friend if I could take her to dinner and then I left her at the restaurant because I never told her I would take her home after dinner, would she see that the same way? It's the same thing. Social skills include understandig what is implied rather than doing what one can get away with by selective comprehension..
+1
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 8
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:32:43 AM
So if a guy walked up to this friend and said "Can I buy you a Mercedes Benz?" or "Can I buy you a two thousand dollar necklace?", would this friend think the guy was doing it just for hell of it, and that a simple "thank you" is all that's needed?
 wackadoodledoo
Joined: 4/14/2011
Msg: 9
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:34:31 AM
The man asked to buy your friend a drink. To me, that demonstrates an overture that he is interested in talking to her. If she had no interest in conversing with him at the moment, she should have politely declined. Maybe she is socially unaware, or just doesn't get out much.!!!
 FisherMane2012
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 10
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:38:37 AM
Just another example of why people think that dating has become more difficult. Buying a drink for a women at a bar to talk to her is so cliche at this point that I can't reasonable believe that she didn't know the guy wanted to chat. She may not have been interested in having a conversation with the guy, but that's no reason to turn down a perfectly free drink.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:43:38 AM
While I normally side with the "say what you actually mean" crowd, this is SO over the top obvious, I can find no excuse for her behavior. Even if she were so ignorant and innocent that she failed to realize why he offered the drink, she should have asked him why he did so.

I expect this is another case of that woman in particular having a snotty attitude, developed from previous encounters which didn't please her, possible political nonsense, and a refusal on her part to think things all the way through, causing her to think she was proving a point to that complete stranger. Unfortunately for her, what she proved to him (as one always does when "teaching a stranger a lesson"), was that she is a royal a-hole.

Good for him in a way, since that way he knows she's a waste of air and gravity, and only lost the price of the one drink.
 Full_of_Grace67
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 12
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:45:09 AM

If I asked your friend if I could take her to dinner and then I left her at the restaurant because I never told her I would take her home after dinner, would she see that the same way

Hmm interesting. So she should have seen what was implied or inferred instead of just taking his offer literally as a sign of just being nice?

I guess maybe SOME women DO expect a man to say what he wants or at least be a little more clear about his intentions. While I think it's logical to assume there was something else to it, does anyone think, as Import stated, "Say what you mean and mean what you say"?


I hate when women use their attractiveness to get free stuff. I don't think is fair to led a man just for get free stuff, I find it a form of prostitution

Wow, that's a little harsh! It was just a drink and not a $2000 necklace afterall...

I've never bought a guy OR a girl a drink (lol) but if I were him I would have tried at least to chat her up while the drink was being made. The look on his face told me he was really nervous so maybe he just didn't know WHAT to say....

I agree with what Grove said too. The guy might have been a little more chatty BEFORE he asked, just to test the waters but she wasn't up there very long. I think maybe he had been watching her a while before (she is really pretty) and saw his chance to break the ice.

She really is a nice person but maybe she was either clueless or knew exactly what she was doing, lol. I don't know her as well as the other girls I hang out with.

I think the whole dynamic of "bar flirting" is very interesting. Personally I just couldn't imagine being rude to someone who put themselves out there to talk to me (takes a lot of guts IMO) but at the same time I've noticed (at least on tv, lol) women shooting down a man entirely and making him look/feel stupid.

Do girls really do that?? I mean go that far?
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:50:42 AM
She was ungracious in accepting his drink offer, since she didn't intend to socialize with the man. An implicit understanding exists, whereby if a woman accepts a drink from a man, she is accepting his offer of companionship.

On the other hand, sometimes a woman can't win, no matter what she does. I have declined drink offers from men, only to have them go off on angry, profanity-laced tirades against me.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 14
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:56:13 AM
OP - your friend is a loser... lmao

i had a girl do that to me way back when I was like 21...


after i regained my composure - i kindly walked over to her, greeted her again and took the drink from her.

i drank it right there in one shot in front of and her friends.


told her ""Thankksksss!!!"" all cheerily

and turned on my heels and walked away....
 wackadoodledoo
Joined: 4/14/2011
Msg: 15
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:56:50 AM
Offering to buy a woman a drink demonstrates an interest in chatting with her. Sometimes, men will send a drink over to a woman seated at another table. That too, is an indication that he has an interest. He then may saunter over to chat with her I think she knew what she was doing and just accepted a "free" drink. There are many woman that go to bars and pride themselves in never buying a drink for themselves. Sad but true.!!
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 16
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:04:50 AM
She was either rude or has no social skills IMO.

As stated, it's understood if a man offers to buy a drink that he is asking if he can join you and chat a bit.

When I was dating, I bought my own drinks as it left me free to talk to whomever I chose to talk to without the need to turn down the offer of a drink, etc.

I think your friends behavior was cold, selfish and callous.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:08:18 AM
My thoughts? He asked to buy her and drink, she accepted and then he did, and she thanked him which was polite. That's all there is. If he wanted to talk to her - he should have asked to talk to her.

Same with asking someone to dance. When the song ends and I thank someone and leave I sometimes get a look. I don't read minds - if you wanted something else, say so. I may say no, but that's a chance you take. I'm not a fan of indirectness, so to me that's a lesson learned.

Drink buying as an icebreaker is ineffective at best. Some women will take that to mean "free drink" and you can't blame them if you're offering drinks out of the gate. Buy her a drink after you've been talking 10 minutes maybe - but before you know her, you should be OK with it being just that, or don't offer.

When I was dating, I bought my own drinks as it left me free to talk to whomever I chose to talk to without the need to turn down the offer of a drink, etc.

Agreed...same goes for dinner, and everything else. I refuse to become a participant in what some guy expected and figured I'd just know, and you never know who'll do that...so I generally stay away from people wanting to give me things - men especially.

And technically, it should be "May I buy you a drink?", asking for permission, rather than "Can", asking about ability. The literal response to "Can I buy you a drink?" would be "I assume you can. You appear to be able to afford it, and this is a bar where they sell drinks."

Absolutely in agreement. "May" is the correct way to ask...not that anyone uses it typically.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 18
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:09:23 AM
And technically, it should be "May I buy you a drink?", asking for permission, rather than "Can", asking about ability. The literal response to "Can I buy you a drink?" would be "I assume you can. You appear to be able to afford it, and this is a bar where they sell drinks."
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 19
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:21:51 AM

I'm not a fan of indirectness, so to me that's a lesson learned.


That's not indirect; it's a social cue that everyone (that is socially aware) knows.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:30:29 AM
Womaninprogress:

Same with asking someone to dance. When the song ends and I thank someone and leave I sometimes get a look.


Your cross example is different, but you didn't realize it. When someone asks for a dance, and you accept, and then you dance with them, then a complete exchange has occurred. Accepting a drink and walking away isn't a complete exchange, and as has been said, she either knew that full well, and purposely took advantage of the literal interpretation of the phrase "can I buy...," or she is so ignorant of the situation, that she should have inquired before accepting.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:52:04 AM

That's not indirect; it's a social cue that everyone (that is socially aware) knows.

If you don't ask to get to know someone, there is always a chance that someone may skirt that - which isn't rude really, it's fair if you don't actually ask. Again, drink buying is an unproductive way to get to know someone. Asking if you may buy them a drink AND TALK TO THEM FOR A LITTLE WHILE is more to the point. Then the women who don't like the package will likely decline the drink, and then the ones who take one and walk you can call names and be right. Not rocket science.

I'm not one to take a drink at all, nevermind take one and walk away; I avoid this by buying my own drinks, which I will hold up and say "got one" when asked if that does happen and then go buy another when I'm empty. But you can't control who'll do what in a social environment. In order to be right with this, a man needs to either buy drinks with no expectation, be clear about what his intention is and deal with the possible "no thanks" or stop doing it.

I'm sure the lesson a guy would learn is that a guy should get something for his money, which is probably not what you had in mind.

Not a lesson learned by me - it's a lesson learned by men who think buying drinks is a way to start conversation - instead of actually starting a conversation.

Your cross example is different, but you didn't realize it. When someone asks for a dance, and you accept, and then you dance with them, then a complete exchange has occurred. Accepting a drink and walking away isn't a complete exchange, and as has been said, she either knew that full well, and purposely took advantage of the literal interpretation of the phrase "can I buy...," or she is so ignorant of the situation, that she should have inquired before accepting.

Actually where I'm from most men don't really want to dance, but they will use that as a way to talk to you or get you away from the group (actually it's becoming less common, the new thing is to just interrrupt you on the floor while you're already dancing because they don't want anyone to say no when asked). They usually realize however that if that's what they asked to do, and they get only that - they can't really complain...with the exception of one or two every so often that are confused when it doesn't become more than a dance.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 22
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 9:23:38 AM

That's not indirect; it's a social cue that everyone (that is socially aware) knows.


If you don't ask to get to know someone, there is always a chance that someone may skirt that - which isn't rude really, it's fair if you don't actually ask.


Asking to buy her a drink is a signal that the man wants to get to know her. When you come to a traffic signal, do you sit there when it turns green because you're waiting for the word "GO" to appear?


Again, drink buying is an unproductive way to get to know someone.


On the contrary, I think it's a great way to get to know someone---it weeds out drunks, those with entitlement issues, the socially inept, and the dim-witted.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 9:32:38 AM
Asking to buy her a drink is a signal that the man wants to get to know her. When you come to a traffic signal, do you sit there when it turns green because you're waiting for the word "GO" to appear?

It is - on his end. What she does with that is a crap shoot. And yes, if we didn't have driver training and manuals to tell us what a green light was, I'm sure some people would be lost for it's meaning. This isn't about me - I don't participate in the icebreaker drink thing, I buy my own and I approach the guys I like so in my case it's irrelevant. I have, however watched men do this for 27 years in places I worked or frequented - and if they have an expectation when they offer, there is a possibility that they'll end up frustrated. It's just the environment.

On the contrary, I think it's a great way to get to know someone---it weeds out drunks, those with entitlement issues, the socially inept, and the dim-witted.

Just curious, I get the inept and the dim witted - but how does this weed out drunks and entitlement princesses? If anything I see it as attracting them.

Which is just a way saying, get what you pay for. I'm all for not gambing with more than I'm willing to lose, but on the other hand, I've never bought a woman a drink on spec at a bar, either.

I actually meant that men should stop spending money to talk to someone, or be ready to call it a loss if they insist on it. If they don't want to spend the money without getting something for it, they should maybe just try a different approach.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 9:54:54 AM
I know a woman who use to go to bars with girlfriends back in their early twenties with the intention of getting free drinks from drunk guys who were flirting with them, even though they were in relationships and had no interest in the guys who were buying them drinks. A successful night was a night where their first drink was the only one they paid for. According to her, this was common.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 25
Can I buy you a drink?
Posted: 8/8/2012 10:01:36 AM

And yes, if we didn't have driver training and manuals to tell us what a green light was, I'm sure some people would be lost for it's meaning.


Unless they live in a third-world country, most people know what a green light means from the time they are tots.


Just curious, I get the inept and the dim witted - but how does this weed out drunks and entitlement princesses? If anything I see it as attracting them.


It works as a screening method for both parties. The woman can also weed out men that are drunk, looking for sex, or feel they are entitled to her company.
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