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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 _OnYourMind_
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 1
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I'm sure it has to do with women's standards on these sites being much too high since they're getting hit on by hundreds of guys each week. The "everything about him/the date has to be perfect" syndrome. I understand it though.. If I had my pick from hundreds of women weekly who had to do all the work setting up the date while I just waited around, and who payed for my drinks/dinner/activity on the date I guess I'd expect perfection if I was going to give them a second date too. I've had three dates this week, each of which were good. Not fantastic, but good. Instant chemistry? No. Nice time with some laughs? Yes. In my opinion, good enough first dates to go to second dates, which is where you can actually tell if there's chemistry or not. All three of them ignored me. Well, two of them felt the need to lead me on first before ignoring me. Hmm.. I guess women DO expect instant chemistry; something I've only had once ever in the years I've been dating.

Online dating definitely gets worse and worse every day. Maybe it's the media? Those romantic movies where two people go out, there's an instant connection, nothing but smiling and laughing and flowing conversation where they share all of the exact same viewpoints, then at the end of the date there's a perfect, romantic kiss under a light drizzle and the moonlit sky. Lmao. I'm starting to feel that women expect this kind of a date if they're to be "impressed." Most women don't seem open minded and forgiving enough to be dating. They have a set list of "standards" and "expectations" and if all of them aren't met then it's "thanks for dinner! Bye!" This is also the reason why 99.9% of men don't want a serious relationship..
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 2
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 11:51:08 AM
If I had my pick from hundreds of women weekly who had to do all the work setting up the date while I just waited around, and who payed for my drinks/dinner/activity on the date I guess I'd expect perfection if I was going to give them a second date too. I've had three dates this week, each of which were good. Not fantastic, but good. Instant chemistry? No. Nice time with some laughs? Yes. In my opinion, good enough first dates to go to second dates, which is where you can actually tell if there's chemistry or not. All three of them ignored me. Well, two of them felt the need to lead me on first before ignoring me.


Awww... poor baby. Miffed because a couple of women ignored you.

So sorry they didn't grovel down to your basic needs, sire.

Certainly not all women expect instant chemistry. That's what a 'first meet/date' is all about. Don't meet women for dinner on the 'first date', instead, just have coffee. It's quick and inexpensive!


This is also the reason why 99.9% of men don't want a serious relationship

Cite your source.
 _OnYourMind_
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 3
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 11:56:51 AM
"A couple." Lol. It would take too long to write about every woman who has ever ignored me.

At least be a respectful human being and be straight up with how you feel. Don't lead someone on; that's a scumbag move. And don't ignore someone; that's completely immature.

I met two of them for drinks and one for a walk.
 curvesweetblonde99
Joined: 5/7/2011
Msg: 4
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 12:02:50 PM
Yes, men have to impress women in the early stages of dating to win them over. Once you get in a LTR it becomes more equal. Even in the wild, it's the male animal who works his tail off (no pun intended) to impress and win the affections of the female. It has nothing to do with women having too high standards. It is a woman's instinct to select a mate who will meet the challenge of impressing her and proving to her that he provide for her what will make her happy and meet her needs (not necessarily financial needs, more her emotional needs) before she accepts him as her mate and agrees to give him what he wants (typically sex). That's the way it's been since the caveman days and probably will be forever. If you don't like it, then I suggest you consider becoming gay or celibate.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 12:03:26 PM
romantic kiss under a light drizzle and the moonlit sky. Lmao. I'm starting to feel that women expect this kind of a date if they're to be "impressed." Most women don't seem open minded and forgiving enough to be dating. They have a set list of "standards" and "expectations" and if all of them aren't met then it's "thanks for dinner! Bye!"

Sonny, may be that you are just trying way too hard to try to "impress" ALL those teens/20 somethings... With little to no "results".. Usually backfires unless you are Clooney or Cruise.. Speakin of, look what happened to him..

As you mature you may become way more selective in just who you approach to "date", and if wise enough to make much better selections
without striving to always over-the-top try to "impress",
eventually you may find that elusive mutual level of interest relationship, where she makes just as much if not more effort to focus on you and develop it further.

I would suggest going to your local special interest meetup groups regularly, make friends there over time and one or more may actually invite YOU out on a "date" after you already know each other for a bit.
Then you may be able to relax and let your true personality seep out instead of trying (maybe failing) to be "the joker" or "life of the party" all the time.

This thread premise shows that Finding and Maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for all,
since it REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control with another imperfect human being like yourself... S


 _OnYourMind_
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 6
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 12:11:34 PM
Yes, men have to impress women in the early stages of dating to win them over. Once you get in a LTR it becomes more equal. Even in the wild, it's the male animal who works his tail off (no pun intended) to impress and win the affections of the female. It has nothing to do with women having too high standards. It is a woman's instinct to select a mate who will meet the challenge of impressing her and proving to her that he provide for her what will make her happy and meet her needs (not necessarily financial needs, more her emotional needs) before she accepts him as her mate and agrees to give him what he wants (typically sex). That's the way it's been since the caveman days and probably will be forever. If you don't like it, then I suggest you consider becoming gay or celibate.


Here's what I saw when I read your post:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Unfortunately I'm still in college.. Well, who wants to go gay with me?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 7
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Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 12:21:51 PM

curvesweetblonde99
Yes, men have to impress women in the early stages of dating to win them over.

It has nothing to do with women having too high standards. It is a woman's instinct to select a mate who will meet the challenge of impressing her and proving to her that he provide for her what will make her happy and meet her needs (not necessarily financial needs) before she accepts him as her mate and agrees to give him what he wants (usually sex).

If you don't like it, then I suggest you consider becoming gay or celibate.


The above described scenario is true if the man is trying to “date up”, that is, date a woman who is higher on the ladder than he is. If he is willing to “date down”, then he can easily find a woman who will pursue him. What I would like is a woman who will put in equal effort.

And no, it isn’t necessary to become “gay” or “celibate”, just quit chasing after the women who think they are much hotter than you are.
 krazykurlz
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 8
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 1:18:03 PM
happens to women too. I had my fair share of first (and last) dates on this site. Most people are just not interested in putting any real effort into finding someone.
 _diamond_in_the_rough_
Joined: 6/6/2012
Msg: 9
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 1:35:24 PM
A first date is all about seeing if there's chemistry/a connection and if there's not, then you simply move on.
These women aren't obligated to go on a second date with you, however, I agree they should have messaged you back with a simple "Thanks for dinner, I had a good time but there just wasn't any spark for me. Good luck".

I've gone on dates where there wasn't much of a spark but have given it a second chance and felt absolutely nothing the second time around as well. Usually you know right away!

It's not that women are necessarily looking for a perfect guy or a perfect date, if it's not there it's just not there, we can't be into everyone that's into us.

Good luck =)
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 10
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 2:39:43 PM

I'm sure it has to do with women's standards on these sites being much too high since they're getting hit on by hundreds of guys each week.

I’m sure it doesn’t. Only the hottest women here are getting that kind of inbox action. And by the time you’ve exchanged correspondence and had a first date with them, you’re ahead of those hundred guys, or all but two or three. That’s the good news.

The bad news is, you’re not getting past the second round and it’s everyone’s fault by your own. Guess there’s nothing you can do.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 11
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:17:12 PM
I think most of the time there isn't a second date. Even when the first date goes well. Some personal examples. A woman agrees to go out on a second date. Then cancels at the last minute. Another woman texts me after the first date saying "I had a great time". Yet when I called her the next day she didn't return my calls.

Sometimes the reason why there isn't a second date has very little or nothing to do with you. The other person may decide that they are not be ready for or available for a relationship. They were never seriously that interested in dating to begin with. They are married / in a relationship. They went out with someone else that they considered to be a little bit more attractive etc.

Also some people are impatient and/or have very high expectations. If there isn't instant "major fireworks" or you don't exactly match a "built up fantasy image" that they formed from the text /email / phone conversations, profile, and/or photos, they will quickly lose interest.

I have rarely felt an instant connection on the first date / meeting. If a woman is at least somewhat attractive to me and there aren't any obvious dealbreakers, I would go out on at least 1-2 more dates. Sometimes there isn't an instant connection on a first date / meeting because 2 people are still virtual strangers at that point or at least one person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. I think a connection can sometimes ( not always though ) develop over time as 2 people get to know each other better.
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 12
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:21:20 PM
As the lady said, try the real thing... school, work, sports, bars as well, walking down the street; what's the worst you can get, a slap in the face? And, smile while asking someone out.
 rdeffley
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 13
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:06:30 PM
I could honestly care less about impressing a woman on a first meet. I just act like myself. Maybe you are trying too hard to impress women and that is what's coming across. Plus, I also noticed you quoting "Thanks for dinner." as if you are feeling like women are using you for free meals. Why set up a first meet in a place where you have to spend money at all? The main goal is conversation. Set it up at a Barnes and Noble, a public park, a grocery store, etc.. Just somewhere you can walk around and talk.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 14
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Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/9/2012 5:32:42 AM
Getting a second date is ridiculously easy if you're a person that wants to be dated by the other person. That's your problem.
 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 15
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/9/2012 8:05:38 PM

It has nothing to do with women having too high standards. It is a woman's instinct to select a mate who will meet the challenge of impressing her and proving to her that he provide for her what will make her happy and meet her needs


Yes, and we all know that women are infallible judges of who is going to make them happy and meet their needs. Is the challenge of impressing her really a good indicator of that? There are people who will meet that challenge very nicely (Ted Bundy), yet far from providing for her and making her happy, they just rape and murder her. I sort of know of a rapist in real life. If I had any say in the matter, he'd be in jail, but there's not really anything I can do about it. He has a girlfriend. Women like him. If only they knew his crimes, they'd feel a little embarrassed about their taste in men. Of course, merely not being a rapist hardly qualifies you as a good boyfriend, but it ought to be a minimum requirement. yet somehow it's so easy for women to miss even such a basic requirement when following their supposedly infallible intuition.

Don't get me wrong. I know women have emotions that are driving their decisions, and it's only natural for them to act the way that they do. So, I'm not blaming them. Just suggesting maybe it might be a good thing to question those attractions a little. And, really, I don't even expect them to do that. I just wish I understood better why they were doing what they are doing, so I can either find ways to work around it or at the very least know that I am doing the right thing by playing the numbers game and expecting to be rejected billions of times before I am successful, and that there isn't a better way of doing it.
 AbigailR
Joined: 6/15/2012
Msg: 16
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/10/2012 10:06:31 AM
Maybe your standards are too low...seems like you would have went out on a second date with any of the three had they been up for it. How about you be more selective...focus your energy on someone you like and you will get a second date.
 phil127
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 17
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Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/10/2012 10:55:36 AM
Maybe your standards are too low...

That doesn't make sense.If his standards were low,thenthese girls would have been itching to go out with him again.I have also had trouble getting those second dates.I either get told I'm being pushy or get completely ignored.I am a nice polite guy too.I have only had one woman I have met in the past 6 months(out of 4) be honest and say upfront,thanks but I don't think we have chemistry,etc. I appreciated that honesty,and i think that is also what this fella probably would like a little of also. Just be straight forward and quit playing these dodgy little games.Its unneccessary.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 18
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/10/2012 9:28:39 PM
Maybe your standards are too low...seems like you would have went out on a second date with any of the three had they been up for it. How about you be more selective...focus your energy on someone you like and you will get a second date.


Wanting a 2nd date with these women doesn't necessarily = low standards. The OP felt these dates weren't perfect. But went well enough for a 2nd date. Unless there are obvious dealbreakers, a man may want to spend more time getting to know these women before making any type of decision.
 Truth223
Joined: 8/1/2012
Msg: 19
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/10/2012 11:23:33 PM

Maybe your standards are too low...seems like you would have went out on a second date with any of the three had they been up for it. How about you be more selective...focus your energy on someone you like and you will get a second date.


Heres some reading material for you.....

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0053U7EII/ref=redir_mdp_mobile?keywords=marry+him&qid=1344480691&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1
 bay_shore
Joined: 3/24/2012
Msg: 20
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/11/2012 7:33:53 AM

Wanting a 2nd date with these women doesn't necessarily = low standards.


Agreed. I have went on second dates with men when there wasn't instant chemistry on the first date. Sometimes chemistry developed on a second or third date. Other times it didn't. Unless there are clear turn offs, I think takes a few dates to determine if there is chemistry because reasons that were already mentioned in this thread.
 RockyDakota
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 21
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/11/2012 11:18:19 AM
Sorry OP, but with your picture I seriously doubt you have a hard time getting dates. Women kobe fit men...unless your messages or profile sucks, either way you should have them all over your inbox.
 JDH1120
Joined: 8/5/2012
Msg: 22
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/16/2012 4:38:42 AM
OP, I've never even gotten past the third date, but you just have to realize it is what it is. Online chemistry doesnt equal real life chemistry, and while I agree that its rude for anyone to just disappear (granted I am guilty of this, but only if the date went really bad) she is not your girlfriend, so she has no obligation to you. I dont know how long you have been on this site, but I've been on here and OKC on and off for about 3 1/2 years, and if you want to continue using online sites to find someone you have to man up. It's so much rougher here than in real life, and you cant blame it all on the women. You know how frustrating it is for a female on this site who is seriously looking for a real relationship but gets bombarded by sex emails? It causes them to become cynical and bitter and thus their standards are raised to extremely high standards. They are tired of being seen as sex objects. Women want to be seen as real people too.

Both genders have it rough, and each side is fair to blame the other, but at the end of the day you just have to man up, and move on. There's always new members every day.
 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 23
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/16/2012 9:32:25 PM

Well thats a bit arrogant that you think of yourself so highly that how dare they not want to meet again.

face fats.. you were not good enough. get over it and deal with it.

i had one like you. I made the mistake of saying why and said i was not interested, nothing rude. Then had the onslaught of his material possesions in a essay to try to sway my judgement. Its sad on so many levels that you think this way. Your probably punching well above your weight, so try dating out of your little box and stop moaning about women all because you didnt secure a shag out of it lol. come on man up!


This epitomizes what is so annoying to me about these sorts of discussions. Stereotyping, unfounded assumptions, preconceived notions, and putting words in peoples' mouths. It goes to the extent that you are speaking to the OP as if he actually WAS this other guy. As if he actually tried to persuade you to change your mind with his material possessions. Where did he ever say anything like that? Did he ever say "how dare they not want to meet again"?

I think he just expressed that he didn't understand their behavior and it didn't make sense to him. It's not clear that he is saying that they did anything wrong, even. It's particularly presumptuous to accuse him of "moaning about women all because you didn't secure a shag out of it".

For goodness sake, why all the stereotyping and wild assumptions?
 mjk3937
Joined: 5/17/2012
Msg: 24
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/16/2012 10:38:59 PM

I've had three dates this week, each of which were good. Not fantastic, but good. Instant chemistry? No. Nice time with some laughs? Yes.


Sometimes you have to make more of a move and create your own chemistry.
 ToddSHO
Joined: 7/25/2009
Msg: 25
Getting a second date from online dating is harder than pulling teeth..
Posted: 8/16/2012 10:57:46 PM
I have learned in my life to start looking at my own actions if people aren't responding in a favorable way. This is not just in dating, but any human relationship. You can't control what other people do, just what you do. Something you are doing on the first date is probably pushing people away. Sometimes it is really hard to remove yourself from yourself and look objectively at your interactions.

I don't know what you are doing, but if every woman you meet reacts the same way, its probably not them, its probably you. Maybe you come on too strong, act desperate for a second date, talk about sex too soon, make bad jokes, have bad hygiene, misrepresent yourself online, make insulting jokes, focus only on yourself, don't listen, or any of a number of other behavior that pushes people away.

Next time you go out with someone, focus entirely on your date. Not in a fake way, but really become interested in your date, don't rush things, really listen to what they are saying and who they are. Ask questions, be kind, be interested and be interesting. Forget sex, it will come if it is supposed to. Not every date is going to work out, and it shouldn't! The second date will come if you present as a good human being.
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