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 _mr_brown
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 3
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how to handle argumentsPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
its really a no win situation. i'm a laid back person myself, and i am very non confortational, but sometimes women want you to argue back, to show you have some sort of backbone or care.
 SlaveDriver8
Joined: 2/29/2012
Msg: 5
how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/9/2012 7:21:46 PM
I'm purely speculating here, but if you said 'I'm done' out loud, that is what pissed her off, not the walking out of the room. It's almost the verbal equivalent of holding up you hand and saying 'what...ever'.

She feels like you blew her off at the first tiny little hint of adversity. She felt disrespected, like you don't care enough to value her opinion as to the way it should have been done. (I make no judgements as to the validity of her opinion, just speculating as to what it might have been).

Apologize, grow up, learn to deal with adversity and disagreements in a more tolerable (at least in her mind) way.

What are you supposed to do? You say "I need a minute" before you walk away, not "I'm don". When she asks "Why do you need a minute", you say "because I love you, I'm frustrated and I don't want to say something I'll regret later"
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 8
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/9/2012 7:32:19 PM
Pisses me off when someone can't discuss something like an adult and walks away. How can you resolve anything when the other person always walks away? I'm not talking about yelling/ranting.
I think you overreacted, she was simply telling you how she thought it should be done. If you took offence to that you should have simply said "This is how I do it".
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9
how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/9/2012 7:40:35 PM
I think you over reacted on her comment.


I have to agree 100 percent with this statement. I am a little surprised too, because you got so confrontational, yet you are a man of the uniform. Perhaps, you didn't like it coming from a woman. Or there are deeper issues.

Let me ask you a few questions, because it could be that SHE is a total b itch and we do not know half the story. Did she put you down when she told you do the other stuff? Did she called you a dumn a ss. Or some other more womanly form of belittling you. Or did she just told you that you were doing it wrong?

Let's assume the worst. That she called you names. No reason to storm out of the room. No reason to increase the tension and turn it into an argument. Sometimes you are better armed by being the one who calls a disarmament. You could have said, "hey, hey, no reason to get upset. Remember, I don't know anything about the kitchen, I am just trying to help."

Now let's assume the other case scenario. That she just kept giving you things to do, that you didn't know how to do. Simply answer "Easy girl. I am not the chef. I am only the help. I am a slow learner when it comes to the kitchen, but I'll get there, just be patient, with me."

Storming out of the room was the equivalent to saying f vuck off, don't tell me what to do. Her living is her telling you, if this is how you handle something as ridiculous as cooking together, I worry how you will handle our first REAL argument.

What I have noticed of people that do what you just did is that they are passive aggressive. They do not communicate, but when they had it, they explode.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/9/2012 8:37:38 PM
Next time just let her walk. When it doesn't work for her, she'll either stop doing it while telling you what you can & can't do, or she'll keep walking in which case you've dodged a bullet.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 15
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/10/2012 7:27:18 AM
There wasn't even an argument there.

Just his girlfriend trying to show him how to chop a few vegetables so they would cook correctly.

Then -- him trying to act like a "manly man". So he made a rude comment, that proved it as "all about HIM" -- and went PRISSING out of the room. Looking more like a little girl than a manly man.

OP -- you were completely in the wrong. Why don't you just grow a set. Learn to control your temper, and take a simple suggestion for what it was.

Alternative -- you will wind up being alone for a LOT more than just a few minutes.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 17
how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/10/2012 11:06:15 AM
Maybe she would prefer that you confront her about it.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 19
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/10/2012 11:32:54 AM
You do realze that vegetables are alive when you eat them, so cutting them up correctly is of most importance.

Geez. If someone is kind enough to help me...I am not gonna **** over little things. I mean what the hell does it matter how they are cut up? He is going to eat it too! Who is she trying to impress?

He... well if didn't feel appreciated, he could have just said..okay you want it s certain way, you do it. then sat back and started telling her about his day,or a converstation starter of some kind.

This wasn't something to "fight" about. Fights are about important stuff like remembering my birthday, things like that! lol
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 20
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/10/2012 1:37:47 PM
OP, it is best to treat vegetable preparation as some sort of archane science that you can only hope to know the details, but will always fail at. You made a scene out of something she had inner knowledge about. Good luck with that.

As others have noted it was passive aggressive bullcrap you were heaping on her. Have fun ladeling the heaping helpings cause not all will put up with it thrice.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/10/2012 4:18:57 PM

I think she is pretty anal if she is having a problem the way you are cutting up vegetables !


I cook, so I can understand having vegetables being cut in a particular way, depending on what you are going to do with them. Put them in a salad, salté them, stew them. With that said, I have two approaches. When I am the chef. I am the king of the kitchen. When someone is chef, I even tell them. Look you're the boss, this is your dish, how do you like this cut, what do you want me to do with this. Then I follow the style that they want for the dish. If I am the one giving instructions, first I ask them if the can handle a chef's knife. If they don't, I thank them and tell them that I do not need their help and I do not use food processors. If they know how to handle a chef's knife, then I give them very specific instructions that start with a demonstration. If they are doing it wrong and it's totally wrong. I tell them in a nice way. I even apologize. "You're doing great, but for this dish I want the garlic very fine so after we salté it disappears into the dish." If I am doing the helping and they tell me that I am doing it totally wrong. I tell them. "You're the chef. I have my ways to doing this, but this is your dish. Show me how exactly do you like it." The kitchen is really not a place for a democracy, but rather a dictatorship. The chef and his/her vision are king.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 23
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/10/2012 8:49:27 PM
OK, I’ve calmed down, and I am back in the room. Had to go outside and sulk for a few hours. Lol

OP -- sorry about the PRISSING remarks, BUT




Is it reasonable for a guy, when his girl has done something that gets on his nerves, to walk out of the room for a few minutes to clear his head and cool off?


Yes, it is reasonable for a guy to walk out of the room for a few minutes to clear his head and cool off.


I said "ok, I'm done" and started to walk out. She flipped out and ended up leaving.



HOWEVER, what set her off were the words: “I’m done”. That remark was confrontational and a real communication ender. What you should have said was something like, “excuse me. I’ll be right back.”

It’s not clear to me whether her not HER communication style was off-putting, or whether she was nicely trying to show you what she wanted. But either way -- you can’t change HER style of communication. You can only change or improve yourself.
You could teach her a better communication style by example, or you could break up with her. But just swapping insults is just going to result in more arguing.

And to Tommy Trouble:



Once again. Next time, just leave the room, 'go chill on the couch and turn on ESPN. When she comes out to fight because you walked away, just turn the tv up a little louder each time she speaks, but never say a word. That would be the polite thing to do.



Actually that would be a very RUDE thing to do. Think about it.
 Dili_gent
Joined: 1/8/2011
Msg: 24
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/10/2012 9:37:34 PM
This is amusing.

All the talk about vegetables and passive agressiveness. That this guy was in the wrong.

They both were.

This dust up was not about cooking. It was about posturing and power.

He tweaked her sometime before, and instead of dealing with it then, she let it stew. Passive agressive.

He mumbled I'm done (or something to that effect). Passive agressive.

Since neither wants to deal with the real problem, The correct response to " you're cutting those vegetables wrong" is " No honey, I'm cutting the vegetables correctly. You are making the rest of the meal wrong. "

Then you can defer all of your emotion to this silly situation and ignore the real issue.

P.S. If she was really that particular (or knows squat about the culinary arts) she would have said. Hey Hon, would you dice, chop, mince, julienne (or any of an number of other processes used to prepare foods) those vegetables?
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 25
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 12:26:28 AM
Msg.1:

Tell your girlfriend if she doesn't like the way you're cutting the vegetable or whatever look her in the eyes and tell her in an affirmative voice > if you don't like how I cut the vegetable then do it yourself, or whatever.

I met so many controling persons,in my life and if you sucumb to them to have peace and harmony it is not working it will drained you emotionaly. For you can never please a person who thinks she has a power over you. There is no wrong or right on cutting vegetable for cooking stew,soup, salad , so your Gf is giving you a BS and you are taking it . Be assertive and have some respect for your self, so others will respect you.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 27
how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 6:45:16 AM
f she gets pissed at how you cut veggies, it is time to get a new girlfriend.

Really.

But I back off when confronted with a serious issue. It is better for me to withdraw than to say things that I might later regret. It my present relationship, I have done this twice, not speaking to my boyfriend for several days while I thought over the issues. He understood, which is one reason we are still together.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 28
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 1:32:46 PM
If I was at some guy's house, and he popped off to me and ran out of the room sulking, HELL YEAH -- I 'd leave.

And yes, there IS a proper way to cut vegetables for cooking. If you cut them into tiny pieces (which sounds suspicously like SOMEONE" making a mess") they will cook to mush.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 30
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 2:41:35 PM

Is this a quote from that cookbook "The Lonely Chef: Cooking for One in Perpetuity"?


Good question. My husband and I cook together oftern. I think you might know more about that than I would.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 31
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 3:34:53 PM
Outmind wrote:


I cook, so I can understand having vegetables being cut in a particular way, depending on what you are going to do with them. Put them in a salad, salté them, stew them. With that said, I have two approaches. When I am the chef. I am the king of the kitchen. When someone is chef, I even tell them. Look you're the boss, this is your dish, how do you like this cut, what do you want me to do with this. Then I follow the style that they want for the dish. If I am the one giving instructions, first I ask them if the can handle a chef's knife. If they don't, I thank them and tell them that I do not need their help and I do not use food processors. If they know how to handle a chef's knife, then I give them very specific instructions that start with a demonstration. If they are doing it wrong and it's totally wrong. I tell them in a nice way. I even apologize. "You're doing great, but for this dish I want the garlic very fine so after we salté it disappears into the dish." If I am doing the helping and they tell me that I am doing it totally wrong. I tell them. "You're the chef. I have my ways to doing this, but this is your dish. Show me how exactly do you like it." The kitchen is really not a place for a democracy, but rather a dictatorship. The chef and his/her vision are king.


Agreed.

I think both people handled it wrong. Anybody who doesn't feel the need to take care of how they prepare food is possibly going to lack passion in other areas, and is a slack **stard.

My brother's wife cuts vegetables and trimmings for hamburgers way thicker than I like, but when I am at their house and they are the one hosting the BBQ, I do the grilling myself since even my brother admits he burns food and I am vigilant and never leave the grill. Even with my mom helping there seems to be chaos what with my 17 month old niece in the house now. It's the least I can do.

I would prefer it if the onions and tomatoes weren't cut so thick and that the buns weren't so big (I prefer the meat to be equal in circumference to the buns as well otherwise it's just too much bread) and it doesn't help that they buy these big buns while also, at least as of late, providing either bison burgers or chicken breast, and bison burgers are no bigger than a hockey puck.

I nicely pointed this out before and that is how they prefer it. Larger buns. So either I can bring my own buns and cut my own veggies or shut the hell up.

I am a bit of a Nazi in the kitchen, but I always make sure to demonstrate first how to do what I am asking them to do. If they still don't do it right, I take the job over myself and ask them to do something else like help me clean up as I go and provide me with the utensils I need at whatever given moment. And to keep me company :)
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 32
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 3:37:28 PM
Also, walking out on arguments... irks me to no end.

I asked my current boyfriend very early on how he would handle an argument if it got out of hand. He told me he would leave the room for a while. I told him this doesn't work well and only makes chicks want to chase you, and it also is a control issue like somebody previously said. I prefer to talk things out rationally, and that is what we manage to do most of the time, and if not, we resolve it later anyway.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 35
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how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 5:07:13 PM
When people find themselves in a heated situation that is getting out of control, leaving the area and taking the time to cool down and get your thoughts together is just about the best thing to do. This is about control, SELF control. It's also called maturity.


It shouldn't have gone "out of control" anyway, it sounds like they need to step up on communication first.

The way food is cut alters the flavours and outcome immensely. Chunky onions in potatoes au gratin? Those need to be as thin as or thinner than the potatoes, which need to be pretty thin in order to cook properly. Assuming somebody else knows this is always a mistake. If you have a method of doing things and have somebody following your recipe, they need to know exactly how to do it. You can't draw a picasso without paying attention to how it's created.

Anyway the subject is neither here nor there. Telling somebody they are doing it wrong is confrontational. To keep the peace just keep to the point and keep it short, maybe 3 points

1) Here is the problem
2) This is how it is affecting us/me/the situation (this makes me feel... etc)
3) How can we resolve this?

Keep to how things make you feel, not "you did this" "you made me feel"

Keep the YOU out of it.

For me, I would have said "hey, I need you to cut them like this, because *insert reasoning here*".

Then I'd grab him another beer.
how to handle arguments
Posted: 8/11/2012 8:02:45 PM

Is it reasonable for a guy, when his girl has done something that gets on his nerves, to walk out of the room for a few minutes to clear his head and cool off? - by_the_numbers

Okay, I am of 2 minds on this subject. Yes, I will sometimes do the cooling off thing, but I would have to be so furious that I was quite incapable of having a civil discussion. The arguement you refer to in the Op is so damn trivial, it's difficult to see a person even getting mildly upset over it, let alone so enraged that they needed to cool off? Do you have an un-controllable, violent temper?
However, I also read that:

She flipped out and ended up leaving.

And I find myself thinking, "Jesus, are these 2 still in F*ing high school? So I went back (as I should've done to start with, I suppose) & read the OP's profile. He's 25. So presumably she is of a similar age. All I can say is for 25, you sound extremely immature.
By the way, does your girlfriend know that your profile says you are single & looking for a relationship? Or did you just forget to change your status after meeting the girlfriend?
Curious minds want to know ;)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To make matters worse; storming out is not a man's weapon. - surfaceofficer

I do not agree with this, I believe a good man, will refuse to allow his temper to get the better of him, in a situation with his woman. I still think the OP was way over-reacting, but that's just my opinion, based on his description of their arguement.

One certainty in relationships is that if a woman wants someone who acts like a baby...she'll lay down and have one of her own.

^This however, damn near made me fall off my chair, laughing!!!! ROFLMFAO!!
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