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 LiterateHiker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 1
Being in the Moment While DatingPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Being in the moment is a wonderful feeling of being in the zone, becoming the arrow, not the archer. Since age 18, I have been meditating and doing Yoga and Tai Chi to quiet my busy mind, to develop Zen mindfulness. Observing my feelings without judging.

Yet internet dating has polluted the way I look at being in the moment. When I raised concerns about rushing into sex, male players replied, "Let's go with the flow." This was duplicitous code for: "Let's have casual sex tonight and screw like rabbits because it feels good." Another man used "being in the moment" to deflect my questions and to avoid reflecting on his three failed marriages. I wanted to know what he learned, and he refused to discuss it.

That said, I love it when I am in the moment:

Arriving at a high alpine lake while hiking, awe struck by the beauty of nature;
Lying in the dark, watching blazing meteor showers overhead. The height of the Perseid Meteor Shower is tonight;
Playing my flute;
Great sex;
Laughing with friends;
Sweet melting closeness when as a baby, my girl fell asleep on my shoulder, with her warm, relaxed body relaxed against mine;
Smelling a rose; and
Writing well.

Your thoughts?
 missmermaid4u
Joined: 6/23/2012
Msg: 2
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 3:57:56 PM
so fine~words to live by~
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 3
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 4:03:13 PM
My most memorable experience of "being here now" did not involve a gorgeous view or a stellar physical experience with friends, family or nature; it was a brief encounter of the most mundane sort at work with a supervisor who was not fond of me (and vice versa). It taught me that even the least important moments can be filled with a sense of centeredness, beauty, peace and wonder. I shall never forget it.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 4
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 4:18:02 PM
I love it when I am in the moment:
Arriving at a high alpine lake while hiking, awe struck by the beauty of nature;
Lying in the dark, watching blazing meteor showers overhead. The height of the Perseid Meteor Shower is tonight;
Playing my flute;
Great sex;
Laughing with friends;
Sweet melting closeness when as a baby, my girl fell asleep on my shoulder, with her warm, relaxed body relaxed against mine;
Smelling a rose; and
Writing well.
Your thoughts?

Thoughts could be: "Let's have casual sex tonight and screw like rabbits because it feels good."


Another man used "being in the moment" to deflect my questions and to avoid reflecting on his three failed marriages. I wanted to know what he learned, and he refused to discuss it.

So it is ok for you to ask anything, but not ok for a man to "be in the moment" want sex and not discuss something aggravating?

An example of just why Finding and Maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for all,
success there REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control with another imperfect human being like yourself... S
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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History
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 4:25:34 PM
Online dating is not a "in the moment" thing, it's more like
keeping one step ahead !!!
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 4:30:52 PM
Yet internet dating has polluted the way I look at being in the moment. When I raised concerns about rushing into sex, male players replied, "Let's go with the flow." This was duplicitous code for: "Let's have casual sex tonight and screw like rabbits because it feels good." Another man used "being in the moment" to deflect my questions and to avoid reflecting on his three failed marriages. I wanted to know what he learned, and he refused to discuss it.

surely you didn't just discover that people can have different agendas and boundaries than you when you started online dating. why didn't it 'pollute' your sense of 'being in the moment' before, when you learned others couldn't or wouldn't be who you want, or give you what you want?

are you sure you're taking responsibility for your practice? what you describe is people who don't meet your desires. is not desire the cause of suffering? are these people the source of your desire, or are you?

it's easy to be 'in the moment' when everything is warm and fuzzy and going your way. the chance to grow comes when it's not.
 Iona_Bob
Joined: 3/31/2012
Msg: 7
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 5:12:49 PM

it's easy to be 'in the moment' when everything is warm and fuzzy and going your way. the chance to grow comes when it's not.


Very true. Some people have the idea that "being in the moment" is a feeling of self-satisfaction, often inspired by an external stimulation of the base physical senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, scent) - a gorgeous sunset, a great concert or a juicy piece of fruit, for example.

In the experience I mentioned previously, all my senses as well as my intellect, emotion and body were engaged and united to make the simple interaction with another human being at the apex of fulfillment for me. Another thing I learned during that 15 or so minutes, was that no one had to accompany me on my journey to "being here now." It was all mine and still beautiful. Even though the person I was sitting across from (and fully tuned in to) was having her own experience, it did not impinge on the beauty of mine.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 8
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 5:19:29 PM
I am by my nature in the moment, I have to consciously force my focus to not be in the moment. If I am focusing on you, my best friend could sit in the next table over and likely I would not notice him.

When getting to know someone, I always go with the flow. I can't see how this should be code for anything, go with the flow to me is the flow that is set by who I am with. I don't try and influence what I intuit is her desires. I want to know what she is really about without introducing my own preferences. So this could include sex if that is how you are pushing it, but just as likely could be exploring someplace new. I have a plan for a date, but easily change it depending on the flow, and never plan on sex with someone I have never had a sexual relationship with already.

'" I wanted to know what he learned" sounds too clinical to me, if you expressed it that way it would sound judgmental. I get what you mean, but after I answered I would ask you a similar question about your life. I am willing to discuss anything, as long as you are also.


Yet internet dating has polluted the way I look at being in the moment.


Don't let dating, whether internet or IRL, change who you are, it's as simple and as difficult as that. Why let someone that you have no desire to be with change who you are?
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 9
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 5:52:46 PM
Thank you, dragonbits! I appreciate you kind and thoughtful response. You're right. I must not let internet dating change who I am.

I have become more wary. That's why I say internet dating has polluted the way I see being in the moment. It's like a pure, flowing stream becoming polluted by garbage. I think being more wary is wise in these circumstances.

Generally speaking, men are NEVER more in the moment than when they are (or believe themselves to be) on the threshold of sexual intimacy with someone they're attracted to. Women, on the other hand, are never LESS in the moment than they are then -- because their biology, culture, experience, etc. have all warned them to be wary.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 10
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 5:55:36 PM
Thank you, missmermaid4u. Such lovely encouragement. I appreciate you.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 11
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 6:19:34 PM
Generally speaking, men are NEVER more in the moment than when they are (or believe themselves to be) on the threshold of sexual intimacy with someone they're attracted to. Women, on the other hand, are never LESS in the moment than they are then -- because their biology, culture, experience, etc. have all warned them to be wary.


And THERE we have it... The major reason for all the mismatched miscommunication missed opportunities for passion and misplaced misanthropy online...

We all strive to be "in the moment" at different times...

VVV Sometimes we aim to please, and sometimes elucidate...
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 12
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 6:41:30 PM
Thank you, Tall IQ2. Glad you think I hit the nail on the head.

Confession: I looked up "misanthropy" that means (now I know) "hatred, dislike or distrust of humanity." An excellent word, my friend.
 tgrlily3
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 13
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 7:58:59 PM
My profile (on another site) actually states that I prefer to be mindful and just enjoy the moment rather than talking everything to death and wondering about the "what ifs" in life.

To be truely mindful requires a lot of mental energy at first, but once you get it and can do it, it's a wonderful thing. To not worry about "where this is going" and rather to enjoy the conversation of the person you are with is so nice. To be passionate without wondering if he thinks I'm fat ;) is wonderfully freeing.

Good post :)
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 14
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/11/2012 9:18:19 PM
I wish I could live in the moment more w/ dating, but I've used up much of my spontaneity... being 53 yrs old, I have to be smarter about my future moments!

Once in a LTR, I can afford to be in the moment, but not w/ a stranger or a person I barely know!
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 15
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 6:02:31 AM
Well, everyone being in their OWN moment = not a lot of connecting going on.

And if there is connection = varied thoughts on what OUR moment should be.

I can say to someone I know.. someone I'm with, sitting next to.. "let's be in the moment"
and what they see/feel/experience as 'the moment' may not be what I am experiencing.

Kinda 101 there.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 16
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 7:08:02 AM
^^^Love the new pic Abelian, who knew what was under the hat.

I don't know where you women are meeting these guys in their 50's and 60's who immediately go for the "let's go screw like rabbits". Other than one guy who wanted to know how long he'd have to date me before I slept with him I've not got the vibe of immediate sex from any guy. Every guy I've met has been attentive, interesting and more than polite. I've not had the wham, bam, thank you ma,am from any guy. I'm thinking some of you aren't closing very well.

As for asking about what you've learned after 3 failed marriages...I agree with Abelian - what a buzz kill. This, like other personal questions, should wait until you have met a few more times. It's not a first date question, to answer a question like this I'd have to be a little more comfortable with someone to answer it honestly and openly. Some folks treat a first meet or first date like they have a list of required questions that they bang off in rapid succession and the person sitting across from them feels it's an interrogation.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 17
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History
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 7:28:26 AM
As a long-time meditator myself, I know what you are talking about. Being in the moment, experiencing the flow state, is a wonderful thing. Many people do not understand this, or have a perverted sense of what going with the flow means, because they want it to match their immediate desires. While this may not be wrong - for them - it isn't right for you. At that moment.

Online dating isn't the problem. The problem is not meeting the right men who share your perspective. You would meet most of the same kinds of men in "real" life dating. A longer screening process of emails and phone calls may help, but some people will still tell you what they think you want to hear, but you can more easily pick these out by keeping focused and perceptive.

Anyway, do you know what your attitudes towards sex truly are, and have they been developed consciously, or were they developed through attitudes you picked up unconsciously? That's something interesting to meditate on, and see where it leads you and why.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 18
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 8:02:13 AM

Generally speaking, men are NEVER more in the moment than when they are (or believe themselves to be) on the threshold of sexual intimacy with someone they're attracted to. Women, on the other hand, are never LESS in the moment than they are then -- because their biology, culture, experience, etc. have all warned them to be wary.


I have no idea what you are talking about here. May have to meditate on it.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 19
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 8:29:31 AM
Some of you incorrectly assumed that I asked the man what he learned from his three failed marriages on our FIRST DATE. I would never ask a personal, searching question like that on a first date.

We were staying by the Pacific Ocean at the Oregon Coast after two months of hiking together and getting to know each other. Sitting on a log and watching ocean waves, we were talking about what we have learned from life.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 20
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 12:56:10 PM
I would think keeping your guards up.......takes priority over being in the moment while engaging in the internet dating arena. Dating can be brutal or fabulous, too many unknowns.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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History
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 1:46:55 PM
My only thought about this is:

You name the idealistic concept, and I'll tell you a true story about someone who used it selfishly and destructively, thus making a mockery of it.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 22
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 3:29:47 PM
Each person experiencing a flow might not be experiencing the same flow..They can be in the same room and be miles apart.. So go with your own flow whatever that is and if someone just happens to be on the same one then maybe you can flow through it together..

It is really that simple..

Namaste
Native Kitten
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 23
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 3:32:45 PM

I would think keeping your guards up.......takes priority over being in the moment while engaging in the internet dating arena. Dating can be brutal or fabulous, too many unknowns.


Now if that is what one is experiencing how is that not being in the moment? Believe me I have had those moments and I was right in the moment.
Namaste
Native Kitten
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 24
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 3:37:18 PM
Not quite sure how internet dating can pollute anything!
It's a venue like any other place in the outside world where one can come across, let's say, some "interesting characters". I'm sure you have met from time to time those same characters in the outside world, does that mean that dating in general has polluted the way you look at being in the moment?

Quite honestly I believe that any woman who thinks that all males who say "let's go with the flow" are trying to "have casual sex tonight and screw like rabbits because it feels good" has issues with sex and her own sexuality. Either that or she has the capacity of picking exclusively sex addicts out of the normal male population. Men are absolutely capable of getting into "the moment" without necessarily nearing the "sex zone". Proof of that is your date of two months who, while sitting near the Ocean with you in what I assume was a very romantic setting, deflected your question about 3 failed marriages because "he was in the moment". It's my opinion that he really was in the moment and that you ruined that moment asking a question that could have waited a more proper time.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 25
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/12/2012 3:44:39 PM
""Quite honestly I believe that any woman who thinks that all males who say "let's go with the flow" are trying to "have casual sex tonight and screw like rabbits because it feels good" has issues with sex and her own sexuality. Either that or she has the capacity of picking exclusively sex addicts out of the normal male population. Men are absolutely capable of getting into "the moment" without necessarily nearing the "sex zone". Proof of that is your date of two months who, while sitting near the Ocean with you in what I assume was a very romantic setting, deflected your question about 3 failed marriages because "he was in the moment". It's my opinion that he really was in the moment and that you ruined that moment asking a question that could have waited a more proper time.""

BINGO, we have a winner!! You pegged it exactly right.
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