Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriendPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi folks.

Just today, I saw a pic on facebook of a woman I dated quite some time ago that I really had a thing for, with her new boyfriend. They were both happy and smiling and very cozy if you will. We're still friends on facebook and comment back and forth every now and then, wish each other happy birthday, etc. I didn't think it would bother me after all this time, but it did a little. It made my eyes well up. She never gave me a reason not to, so I still like this woman. Our short lived relationship just didn't get off the ground mostly because I was an idiot. I'm truly happy for her. I think it's just a selfish part of me deep down inside that still wants me to be that man in the pic I wish her the best. And I like to think by doing that, hopefully something good will come my way again before long.

I commented on her pic, telling her. "Nice pic. Hopefully he's a keeper. Truly happy for you. :)"

I just felt like it was a nice gesture that I felt the need to say.

What do you folks think? I'm just trying to be a good humble person.

Thanks for any input.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:40:07 PM
What do you folks think? I'm just trying to be a good humble person.

Were those crocodile tears? I think people should not waste so much time prying into others lives causing trauma/drama on Faceplant...

They should do it here instead where we can all jump in and have a say...
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 3
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:46:13 PM
Been there.
felt that.

Yes, it does suck when someone we liked...
finds happiness with someone else.
Just human nature.

You made a good comment.
Said it about right.
When we know we can't change the situation
(as much as we'd like to).....
well being stoic and strong is our best option.
As all the other ones don't work
and just make us look bad.

good luck.
 prettyflowers
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:49:30 PM
Ignore above post ( I think that poster above is very mean and cold)....I thought to myself what I would do and I would feel such a great sadness...That is one of the things I never hope to see.
You were very graceful and mature in the way you handles it. Don't worry...You won't be alone to long...That is, as long as you can get past your former girlfriend. You have a good heart..Good luck PF
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:50:21 PM
Guess I don't see your point Tall. She put it out there on FB, and I made a simple, humble, respectful and kind comment. It made me feel good to say it.

Was it right? Was it wrong? I don't know. I felt like I did the right thing.
 prettyflowers
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 4:50:59 PM
Sorry...my comment was about the Q2 person
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:06:58 PM


Why would you have any second thoughts on what you did?
It was definitely the right thing to do....


I don't know. Even though I'm happy for her, it just sucked to see that pic.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 8
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:16:49 PM
You know....you can turn off getting news feeds from her.
There is a setting for that.
In the freind's button

That is the best way to be
untroubled by an ex's facebook happiness.
:-P
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:27:02 PM
Given that you are admittedly not happy seeing the pic, I think it was unwise to comment to it. Aside from the rather minor fact that you were lying (since you really were NOT happy for her), commenting on it as you did might really have been more of a way for you to try to make yourself look good to her, rather than actually wishing her well.

I do understand and sympathize with what you say you were trying to do, but what you actually did, sort of by accident, was to use HER Facebook post, both to promote yourself, and to do some of what should have been private healing work for your own sake.

I would not have done as you did.

It's one of the many reasons why I will NOT be expanding my own Facebook entry past the basics I have there.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:29:33 PM


You know....you can turn off getting news feeds from her.
There is a setting for that.
In the freind's button

Tis what I did.
Now I am not annoyed by her happy moments.
:-P


I know. I don't want to do that though because we're still friends and we still like and comment back and forth on each others posts. I knew a long time ago that this would happen eventually. I just didn't think it would get to me. I'm ok. Thanks though partner.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/14/2012 5:47:56 PM


Given that you are admittedly not happy seeing the pic, I think it was unwise to comment to it. Aside from the rather minor fact that you were lying (since you really were NOT happy for her), commenting on it as you did might really have been more of a way for you to try to make yourself look good to her, rather than actually wishing her well.

I do understand and sympathize with what you say you were trying to do, but what you actually did, sort of by accident, was to use HER Facebook post, both to promote yourself, and to do some of what should have been private healing work for your own sake.

I would not have done as you did.

It's one of the many reasons why I will NOT be expanding my own Facebook entry past the basics I have there.


Interesting perspective. Yes, I wasn't pleased to see the pic. I think due to my own selfishness. It's a work in progress keeping that at bay. But I think you're wrong in saying I'm not happy for her. I feel that I am. I certainly have no desire to see her unhappy. She looked happy and I know how that feels. And I want it too. But not necessarily with her. I know in time, she will be replaced by another. But until then.

I feel it's no different than losing in a sporting event, but being humble and respectful enough to sincerely congratulate your opponent that beat you. Of course you're not happy about losing, but if you don't, then you come off looking bad, in my opinion. I'm a good sport at losing. But I do see your point Igor. It think there's a negative and positive to everything we do. But it's hard to see how doing or saying something nice to another human being can ever be a bad thing.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/15/2012 2:36:05 AM
I agree with Igor and to a great extend, with JJ of Message 20 as well.


I think it's just a selfish part of me deep down inside that still wants me to be that man in the pic I wish her the best. And I like to think by doing that, hopefully something good will come my way again before long.


I feel it's no different than losing in a sporting event, but being humble and respectful enough to sincerely congratulate your opponent that beat you. Of course you're not happy about losing, but if you don't, then you come off looking bad, in my opinion. I'm a good sport at losing.

And this kind of thinking is exactly what the problem is. It would be perfectly fine with just wishing her happy if that is ALL you feel, but it isn't. You hope that by wishing her well, karma will bring goodness to you, or at the very least you wouldn't be seen as a "sore loser". Every kind and humble act is done with a darker, self-serving ulterior motive in mind. That's not being humble, or respectful.

There is no shame in feeling sad and disappointed when the one you desire does not choose you - it's natural to have those feelings. And even if you respect your "opponent" for having won the bid and be happy for her, it takes more strengths to do so in silence. If she ever ask, then and only then you tell her how you feel. Coming unsolicited like you did just comes across as a little too fake.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/15/2012 3:35:14 PM


It may be considered a snide remark to say " I hope he is a keeper". It could be misconstrued as a suggestion that for some reason he is not a keeper. I think this is where you lie. You don't want him to be a keeper because a part of you wants her back.
Being humle is being unafraid of admitting that you can get jealous or sad or resentful over an ex. If it is triggering uncomfortable feelings for you those are the precise feelings you have to work on to get past her. Good luck.

I don't know. The reason I said that is because she's been through a good number of guys that let her down. Myself included. Yes, a small part of me remembers when I was that guy, and I remember how good it felt. A small part of me misses and envy's his position right now. But I don't think that makes me a liar?
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/15/2012 3:45:43 PM


And this kind of thinking is exactly what the problem is. It would be perfectly fine with just wishing her happy if that is ALL you feel, but it isn't. You hope that by wishing her well, karma will bring goodness to you, or at the very least you wouldn't be seen as a "sore loser". Every kind and humble act is done with a darker, self-serving ulterior motive in mind. That's not being humble, or respectful.

There is no shame in feeling sad and disappointed when the one you desire does not choose you - it's natural to have those feelings. And even if you respect your "opponent" for having won the bid and be happy for her, it takes more strengths to do so in silence. If she ever ask, then and only then you tell her how you feel. Coming unsolicited like you did just comes across as a little too fake.


I see your point. If you want to get down to brass tax, everything we do in life is self serving and selfish to a point. Some of us stop on the side of a highway to help an old lady change her tire because a deed like that makes us feel really good. Which is selfish. But other people see it as a wonderful thing to do.

It's strange how some people see what I did as mature, kind, and respectful, while others see it as a lie, fake, and disingenuous. I kinda new that though coming here for input. No two people think alike.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/15/2012 8:37:38 PM

Some of us stop on the side of a highway to help an old lady change her tire because a deed like that makes us feel really good. Which is selfish. But other people see it as a wonderful thing to do.

If you do a good deed out of the kindness of your heart or because it reflects the value you believe in, then great. Similarly, if you are truly happy for your ex and want absolutely nothing in return, then that would indeed be a gentlemanly gesture. And I don't doubt that you are happy for her, for the most part. It's when you say, "by doing that, hopefully something good will come my way before long" and "come off looking bad if you don't sincerely congratulate your opponent", that make me wonder how much might you feel differently if there'd be no reward for being charitable.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/15/2012 9:19:01 PM


If you do a good deed out of the kindness of your heart or because it reflects the value you believe in, then great. Similarly, if you are truly happy for your ex and want absolutely nothing in return, then that would indeed be a gentlemanly gesture. And I don't doubt that you are happy for her, for the most part. It's when you say, "by doing that, hopefully something good will come my way before long" and "come off looking bad if you don't sincerely congratulate your opponent", that make me wonder how much might you feel differently if there'd be no reward for being charitable.


It's just about a faith I try to maintain that soon, a similar situation to hers is about to come my way again too. I don't mean it as if to say I'm not happy for her, but if I pretend to be, something good will come my way. I do like to think that by me doing what I did, she smiled when she read it and will wish a little good juju my way too.

Like I said earlier, everyone is selfish to a point. People are charitable, and help others because it makes them feel good. That is their reward for doing so. People wouldn't help others if it made them feel bad. So I think it's like the law of the universe's way of rewarding us for our good deeds. Putting a smile on someone else's face grants us one in return. I think that the law of the universe does not grant us a a genuine good feeling in return if our good deed is done out of calculated maliciousness. I know that when we deliberately try to hurt someone else, we end up drowning in pain and regret. Wishing her happiness as I did helped me feel better about the whole situation.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/16/2012 6:58:56 AM
Dude,
I know exactly how you feel. I have been in the same boat. Unlike you, what I did was delete the friend of her from which her post with some guy showed up.

What many may not realize is that YOU, a guy, a man, also have emotions. And we guys are taught to man up, toughen up, deal with it, to the point that we lose contact with our own emotions. That works great when is time to toughen up, but it works against us when it's time to show our vulnerabilities to the women we want in our lives and we tend to royally f vuck it up.

We can debate until we are blue on the face, whether the comment that you posted was necessary or not, stupid or not, and the reality is that who cares. You did it. You expressed some of your emotions and then came here to get a pat in the back or acceptance from the worst crowd imaginable, we the forumnites, who will rather tear you another a ss hole, that show some empathy.

So I tip my hat to you. Just apply what you learned from that relationship to the next and move on. If you met an awesome woman before, you will meet an awesome woman again.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/18/2012 7:18:06 PM


I agree with others to unfriend her on Facebook. This is the kindest thing to do for her and her new guy. Let them move on without comments from her previous lovers and you do the same.


Quite frankly, I see it a little differently. We're friends on FB. She knows this. She chose to bring her dating life into and onto all her FB friends news feeds by posting pics. What I did and said would be no different than bumping into her in public, saying hi, congratulating her, and telling her I'm happy for her. Please don't make it sound as if I hunted her down to stick my nose into her business. I'm not going to delete her. I'm tougher than that. If she takes issue with what I did, she can delete me. In my personal opinion, I see deleting people on FB that you actually like, as childish behavior. I appreciate everyone's advice and input. Most everyone of you were polite and respectful. And I thank you.
 AxemanMixer
Joined: 7/5/2012
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 1:46:12 AM
Unfriend. My wife canceled her accnt and started over again. And it is for the best. I don't want to know about her updates and she doesn't need to know of mine. What is so ironic is that we have a cluster of friends in life that parallels FB. So when a 'friend' post a pic and she is in it... I see whats current. We chose not to have our friends take sides and split so we can see whats going on with each other indirectly. One of the hardest things I had to see was my drunk wife with her friends in Vegas... smiling and happy. Just days before I got served with divorce papers. Seeing her drunk happy and knowing what was on her mind nearly killed me. And with that, I wish I hadn't have seen those pics.

Unfriend.... and get a bunch of new ones!
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 12:50:42 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^
This actually reminds me of a Bob Dylan song from a long time ago, long before the internet and the overhyped Farcebook, I mean, Facebook...

1974, If You See Her, Say Hello, album: Blood On The Tracks
"... Say for me that I’m all right though things get kind of slow
She might think that I’ve forgotten her, don’t tell her it isn’t so ..."



I'm not going to delete her. I'm tougher than that.

It takes a lot strengths to cut a past love out of your life completely. It will take even more strengths to wish her well in silence. What's the point of wishing her well if she doesn't know about it? That's the point.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 2:03:23 PM
Where else would I put it lotus? Anywhere else and people like you would vote to delete it. If you haven't already. I know, you took offense to my reply. You can let it go now.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 2:22:18 PM
Leanco,

There's an old saying I'm certain you're aware of. It goes, "Treat others as you would like to be treated."

In thinking about that, if the roles were reversed, and I was the one who was now happy in a new relationship, and an old ex came along and congratulated me and wished me well in a genuine and tasteful manner, I'm pretty sure I would appreciate a kind gesture like that. That's all I know. It's not in my nature to automatically assume people are up to no good. Some people do.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 23
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 2:56:12 PM
Well as for FB, I don't post on ex's pages.
and they don't post on mine.

Seems like a marking of territory
and a lame attempt to make the new person jealous.

I just turn off getting news/updates from their page.
and feel no need to view em constantly.

As a rule for ex's....
if it hurts,
don't.
(as in trying to be in their space in some way.)
Just easier for both.
And the best way to suck it up and move on.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 4:16:54 PM


Nope, I've never voted to delete any thread. Once again no offense taken. If you can say it is childish to remove yourself gracefully from your ex's fakebook to respect her new relationship, I can say I think it's childish to stay on and make comments about her new relationships. They are called opinions and you asked for them.

It's your choice to be on fakebook, many adults can't be bothered and consider it contains too much drama or content which can provoke drama.

Ok, that's a fair statement. I can accept that.

My personality type is such that I don't like to run or hide from pain. Call it glutton for punishment or what have you. I usually end up feeling bad about myself when I hide from things like this. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. What I saw certainly isn't going to kill me. And if I see something similar again down the road, It'll have less and less impact on me. If I sensed that she was deliberately trying to jerk my chain, then I might take some action to prevent it. But I'm pretty sure she's not doing that. She just posted a cozy picture of herself with her new man, and in the moment, I felt it honorable to acknowledge it and wish her well. Some of you disagree and that's perfectly fine. Would I do it again? I highly doubt it. Once was enough. I think I agree with what one commenter said above. That I'm coming from a place of loneliness right now. I do believe that when I hit it off with another woman who revs my motor like this one did, what I see or hear from her at that point and forward will no longer have any emotional impact on my life. Unless of course some kind of tragedy strikes her life. At which point I would probably feel compelled to offer my sympathies. What I hopefully will never forget, are the relationship lessons I learned from her that will make me a better person.
 qualityl
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 25
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 7:15:03 PM
FYI, I post pictures of men and me all the time. Does not mean I am in a relationship with them. I am single so pictures of different mean appear on my facebook page all the time.

The problem happens when I am dating a guy, and the picture appears and he is married and told me he want not. This is an issue, and just happened to me.

You are a very handsome man, go get her if you want her. Be honest and let her know how you feel, she might just be very happy to hear your voice, and find out it's her cousin.
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend