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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Getting touchy feely on the first date...      Home login  
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 Peachie29
Joined: 8/4/2012
Msg: 1
Getting touchy feely on the first date...Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I've met a few guys from online over the past couple months and I'm noticing something... Not sure if it's me or them, but I figured this is the perfect place to ask. Now, my first time meeting a guy, I like to keep things low key/no pressure. I wouldn't even consider it a date, more like just meeting for coffee, etc. For me, I'm just trying to feel them out... Is this someone I could see myself wanting to talk to in the future? Could I consider this person a friend, maybe someone I'd like to hang out with, etc? On the guys' end, though, I notice some are already trying to get touchy feely.... Not necessarily in a bad way (like grabbing boobs/butt), just wanting to hug and/or kiss me like we've known each other for awhile. Now I don't know if I'm being a prude, but this causes me to clam up a bit. I like my space, so even if I am feeling someone, it doesn't necessarily mean I want you all over me just yet, you know? Guys that I've been attracted to will take this approach and later tell me I "don't seem interested" because I shy away from the physical contact. So I'm wondering, does this happen to anyone else? And is this a sign that they a) are really desperate for a relationship or b) just trying to jump my bones? Lol, any thoughts are greatly appreciated...
 OKgirl529
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 2
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/23/2012 4:26:33 PM
Don't let anyone try to guilt trip you into allowing them to do something you aren't ready for.
I don't know why they'd think they are entitled to all the groping and stuff when you first met anyway.
I've been called a prude before. Meh. I call it morals, but whatever.
If both people are feeling it, fine. But there's nothing wrong with taking things slow.
 audrianna333
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 3
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/23/2012 4:26:44 PM
I think a hug or quick peck at the end of a date are perfectly acceptable. If you're meeting for less than an hour than a hand shake, hug, peck on the cheek are fine. I think a guy wants to show you he's interested, though sometimes he might be doing it to be polite since he thinks you expect it. I would think he wouldn't go for a full on kiss unless their was some other physical contact such as hand holding, neck rub, brush against a knee or some very obvious flirting. I wouldn't be concerned if he picks up on your vibe and respects it. And not accepting a hug does seem like you aren't interested. So just hug him.
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/23/2012 4:27:22 PM
you have your pace for physical familiarization. they have a different one. if you like, you can express what you want: 'i'm not comfortable kissing on the first date,' or however you want to phrase it. if they're agreeable, they may hang around for more dates. if they're not agreeable, they'll move on in their search for someone more compatible.

this kind of determination of compatibility is the whole point of dating.

yes, their preference may reflect some character flaw. or it may not. if you've already disqualified them or vice versa, you'll never know, so why worry about it?
 Peachie29
Joined: 8/4/2012
Msg: 5
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/23/2012 5:14:59 PM
Hugging definitely isn't a problem as long as they hug and release... Sometimes when they try to hold on too long, it can seem a bit awkward but it's not a deal breaker. I'll give a quick peck on the lips if there really is an attraction, but even that doesn't seem to be enough for a couple of the guys I've met. And I'm not saying it's a character flaw, definitely just a different approach to my own, which is fine. I guess since I've heard this a couple times it just makes me question the vibe I'm putting out there...
 Peachie29
Joined: 8/4/2012
Msg: 6
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/23/2012 5:41:48 PM
Well, they normally don't pay for anything. I'll grab my own coffee, or whatever, depending on where we meet. Like I said, no pressure, and definitely no expectations...

And as far as the baggy pants question... No, the guys I meet don't usually dress like that. This one guy in particular, though, had on a t-shirt and (cargo?) shorts. Nothing fancy. And he got a hug before we left, but I guess he didn't appreciate the peck....
 why_oh_why
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 7
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/23/2012 5:55:37 PM

any thoughts are greatly appreciated

Here's one thought.
While you are doing this

I like to keep things low key/no pressure...I'm just trying to feel them out... Is this someone I could see myself wanting to talk to in the future? Could I consider this person a friend, maybe someone I'd like to hang out with, etc?...this causes me to clam up a bit... I like my space

You may be keeping yourself from being engaged in the date, distant.
When you do that you aren't giving them all that helpful immediate feedback.
You may also be coming across as not interested if you are treating it like a scientific experiment on the date to answer the long term questions immediately.
So to make up for your lack of interest, unclear, or inconsistent, communication, they are throwing out more obvious gestures as a means to get a response they will understand, in order to get the feedback.


a) are really desperate for a relationship or b) just trying to jump my bones?

For all practical purposes either or both of these things could be true.

It could be they are online looking for a "relationship" so are trying to fast forward to feeling like they are in a relationship, so engage in behavior they associate with being in a relationship.

Or they think that you want those things, based on their own stereotypes about women, so are giving you what they think you want in order to get you to behave how they want you to.


Of course it could also be a case of their behavior is just part of their dating routine/character/script.
Like that's what all women did in the past, or what women responded to in the past, or what women expected from him in the past, and he's just applying it here.


does this happen to anyone else?

IMO it happens to everyone.
People date others they aren't compatible with all the time.
Lots of people go on dates that are treated more like job interviews all the time.
Disparate signals are thrown out there all the time leading to frustration and people moving on.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 8
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/23/2012 8:40:08 PM
Actually, I would find it a sign of respect if he kept his lips to himself on the first date and would consider him a gentleman, which would score some points or (impress me) as you put it. As if that's a bad thing.
 Brown3y3z0000
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 9
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 12:41:48 AM
Been on a few dates to had the same problem. Don't let them guilt trip you it's your body. And if they really care on getting to know you they will wait.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 10
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 5:52:54 AM
Sorry, but I want to date women who are interested in me, not women who are interested in me jumping through hoops. I'd rather call back 1 woman in 50 for a second date, than waste my time and effort attempting to get second dates with women who weren't interested in me enough to want to kiss me. When you have what you thought was a great date and you wonder why you don't get called back, maybe that's the reason.
----------------
I've never had a problem with a guy not calling back after a first date.:)
 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 11
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 8:33:29 AM
The thought of swapping saliva with a total stranger is a bit unsavory to me. Then again, I'm slightly germaphobic.
I agree with the others who say don't be guilted into doing something you're not comfortable with.
 RenegadePassionTrip69
Joined: 3/23/2011
Msg: 12
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 10:27:19 AM

Was he wearing baggy pants?

FTW!


Getting touchy feely on the first date...

mandatory!


I'm just trying to feel them out

likewise..

o.O
 RenegadePassionTrip69
Joined: 3/23/2011
Msg: 13
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 10:51:47 AM

isn't a problem as long as they hug and release... Sometimes when they try to hold on too long, it can seem a bit awkward

Would you compromise with a quick hug then give me a piggy-back ride to the parking lot? If I can't feel a passionate connection with a girl on a first meet up, I like to at least check her strength, balance and stamina!
o.O
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 14
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 12:01:57 PM
Nah, you're being reasonable. Personal space isn't for others to deem what's right for you. If they are too much about the physical, you can pretty well tell their intent and level of patience in getting there.
 Peachie29
Joined: 8/4/2012
Msg: 15
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 2:23:13 PM

...a hug or a peck on the cheek or lips is some sort of a reward to keep his interest, like pavlov's dog.


Abe, why are you making this about rewards? Yes, I'm familiar with Pavlov's dog and by no means do I approach PEOPLE with the idea that they have to act a certain way in order to get a "treat" from me... Anyway, I guess I'm trying to understand why some guys feel the need to get the physical chemistry going first as opposed to the mental chemistry, which is way more important to me. To each his (or her) own, I guess.

And yeah, like a PP said (sorry not sure of your screen name) I'm not too keen on sharing germs when I'm first meeting someone... Regardless of how great the chemistry may be.
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 16
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 3:10:30 PM
I'm touchy feely. Gals I meet are warned in advance. I am perfectly honest and upfront. No surpises.

But not on a 15 minute coffee meet. If we only spend 15/20 minutes on a drink at a bar then nope dont expect me to invade your space. lol

But if there is attraction and we spend a few hours on a REAL DATE then yes I am a hand holder. I will put my hand on your knee sitting at the bar.

And if there is not a decent good night kiss I will assume you felt no attraction and there wont be a second date I promise ya.

Its doesnt take 2 or 3 dates to figure out if you want to friggin kiss someone. I can tell you 3 minutes into a first MEET if I would be interested in kissing the gal.

We will agree to disagree on this one for sure.

Your trying to figure out if you can see yourself "talking to the guy" or just "hanging out with the guy".

Look I am here on a dating site looking for a relationship. Romance. Not buddies to chat with or hang out with. Maybe your goals are different and thats the problem. Search for guys looking for "friends" or "hang out" on here not guys looking to "date" or for "ltr". I they are seeking a romantic partner and dont expect to be sized up and shuffled off into some other category.

I know from my messages and phone calls we can talk just fine before we even meet. Or we would not be meeting. I am not interested in just hanging out with someone. As soon as you know you are not attracted to me lets shut the date or meeting down. This is not rocket science.

Cowboy
 Gorgeouscomedy
Joined: 9/2/2010
Msg: 17
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 3:13:04 PM
I agree with the OP 100% on ALL points. I think you're being totally reasonable. A first meet is just that: MEETING someone to see if you'd want to date them.

If some guy was trying to put his hands all over me on the first meeting, I'd be outta there quicker than that Road Runner cartoon! A hug at the end of the date/meet is plenty!

As for the guy who said he wouldn't call a woman for a second date if you didn't get a kiss on the first date, you sound desperate and horny. Just because a woman doesn't get touchy-feely with you on the first date doesn't mean they are not interested in you or not attracted to you. How about getting to know someone on a mental an emotional level first. Now there's a thought! A woman doesn't need to give you access to her body [lips, butt, hand, whatever] to show you she's interested. We have these little things called words, and we can use them to say things like "I had a great time. We should hang out again soon." Or "I'm free next weekend. Would you like to grab dinner or something?" None of this requires groping.

Men . . . all about the physical [rolls eyes].
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 18
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 3:34:57 PM
How about getting to know someone on a mental an emotional level first. Now there's a thought!
To get a good night kiss? LMAO We are not having sex. Its a kiss good night not a groping make out session in the back of the car. But then again I am honest about myself BEFORE meeting so you and I would of never ever made a first date.

This is not a surprise to the gals I meet. I have had a lot more dissapointed that we DIDNT kiss after they show up looking nothing like their pics then I have had ones not happy because I touched their hand or tried to kiss them good night. Crap I have had gals run across the restaurant parking lot laughing to give me a hug and a kiss to START a first meet for christ sakes.


A woman doesn't need to give you access to her body [lips, butt, hand, whatever] to show you she's interested. We have these little things called words, and we can use them to say things like "I had a great time. We should hang out again soon." Or "I'm free next weekend. Would you like to grab dinner or something?" None of this requires groping.
Sorry I dont want to "hang out" with you or buy you dinners if you are not attracted to me. I am not talking getting kisses after a 15 minute meet at Starbucks. I am talking a meet that turns into a 2 to 4 our date and you feel attraction. NO second date happens after those if there is not a OK kiss good night. If you cant tell if there is attraction or not after 2 to 4 hours or more together then you dont know wtf you want is all I can say and I will move onto the next candidate.


None of this requires groping.
No one was talking about groping. I was talking about holding their hand. Putting my hand on yours at the bar while we were having a drink enjoying the evening. I KNOW when that will work and when it wont. And trust me the ones it wont end quickly and inexpensively.

I am talking politley holding hands and a kiss good night. Not groping or ramming my tongue down your throat.


Men . . . all about the physical [rolls eyes].
Women that cant even grasp what that means. (rolls eyes...) I am not looking for chat buddies or gals to hang out with. I have several stunning female friends for that if I just want to blow money on a friend for dinner. I am here looking for a romantic partner. Not sex. But a ROMANTIC partner to date. And I dont need to know a gal on a emotional and physical level to kiss her good night.

Cowboy
 RedCapSue
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 19
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/24/2012 7:33:08 PM
Holy Smokes I thought abelian's last post was bad this one takes the narcissistic/self centered cake. I don't even know why I was moved to comment unless its just that level of stuck up has me in shock.

Anyway, I think the level of physical contact on a first date just depends on the person. We each have differing levels of comfort and ideas of what we think is ok or appropriate and really you can't tell anything from the lack of contact or full on contact. If you think you can, then your probably missing out on some opportunities.


Just because a woman doesn't get touchy-feely with you on the first date doesn't mean they are not interested in you or not attracted to you.

Then it's her loss.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think thats a loss many of us ladies can live with.

Red
 geekromance
Joined: 7/5/2010
Msg: 20
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/25/2012 5:15:50 AM

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think thats a loss many of us ladies can live with

Hahahaha.
I try not to get personal on here, but dude, that's some serious arrogance you got going on there.
OP I rarely kiss on first meets, and have a pretty good record of getting second (and subsequent ) dates. There are lots of way to communicate interest. I have this whole eye contact flirtation thing that I pull out when I'm really into someone. Its pretty effective ...:).
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 21
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/25/2012 5:51:28 AM

Anyway, I think the level of physical contact on a first date just depends on the person. We each have differing levels of comfort and ideas of what we think is ok or appropriate and really you can't tell anything from the lack of contact or full on contact. If you think you can, then your probably missing out on some opportunities.


No I am not missing out on anything at all except wasting my anymore of my time with women that are not attracted to me. We are simply not a match. Different people have different idea's about PDA's even with a husband wife. I enjoy PDA's and am very physical and if they are not we are simply not a match. This site is about quickly sorting out who you are compatible with and who you are not. I am not going to waste a couple hundred bucks and several dates to find out some gal has no physical attraction to me thats beyond ridiculous. I am not bashing those that believe this way. We are simply not a match and I accept that! But I dont think I am "missing out" on anything except a kiss good night.

But I also get this WELL sorted out BEFORE arranging a meet. I actually DO ask a lot of questions and this whole kissing and PDA thing is discussed well before I invite anyone to meet me. This has not been a problem at all for me doing this in this manner on here. I look for woman that WANT to kiss a guy that they are attracted to and later on will enjoy PDA's if we are dating. And LOTS of women have been in relationships without this and are thrilled to meet a man that will provide this for them TRUST ME. Its a matter of finding someone you are a good match with.

I have never once met one woman here that didnt know in advance of meeting me EXACTLY how I am and how I feel about this. We discuss it BEFORE MEETING. I dont EVER even meet a woman on here that would know before the date that she will not kiss me. If your that set in your ways and not flexible enough to actually kiss a man you are attracted to and feel chemistry with just because its a first date then we are not a match and I am not interested in meeting you.

I am NOT talking a 20 minute first meet. If we have a full date that lasts for hours and I dont get at least a short kiss then you are not feeling it obviously and we are not a match. I am not talking groping, make out session or grabbing you and jamming my tongue down your throat for gawds sakes. I am talking a sweet good night kiss.

Oh well.

Cowboy
 dove95
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 23
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/25/2012 12:01:04 PM
I think what some of these guys are failing to realize is that, for women, sometimes physical attraction can build with time. Those guys who DO understand that will reap the rewards. I have often hung out with guys where there has been potential, but for whatever reason, we decide to be friends. But over time, the attraction has built and led to a great relationship.

The ones where I've been immediately attracted to the other person and anything physical (a simple good-night kiss is one thing, but most guys honestly don't stop right there) has happened has led to nothing but physical relationships.

A solid relationship can't be based on the physical stuff alone. A genuine guy would get that and will go at the girl's pace.
 RedCapSue
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 24
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/25/2012 3:22:48 PM

No I am not missing out on anything at all except wasting my anymore of my time with women that are not attracted to me. We are simply not a match. Different people have different idea's about PDA's even with a husband wife. I enjoy PDA's and am very physical and if they are not we are simply not a match. This site is about quickly sorting out who you are compatible with and who you are not. I am not going to waste a couple hundred bucks and several dates to find out some gal has no physical attraction to me thats beyond ridiculous. I am not bashing those that believe this way. We are simply not a match and I accept that! But I dont think I am "missing out" on anything except a kiss good night.


Well good for you. I applaud that you know what you want and how to get it. My post was in response more to the OP and his questions but its nice to know your answer should I ever have thought to ask you about it.

That aside you did make some good points about wasting time ect. Especially if you really know what your looking for. At the end of the day if that is how you are weeding out folks and your comfortable then its not for me to say its not a good idea.

Just some end thoughts. I have ended dates several ways before and I'm trying to remember the ones that I kissed and the ones I didn't and why. Some that got a hug and no kiss were a very high percentage of not interested with a few that gave off vibes that I wasn't sure they were interested in me so I didn't try a kiss. Maybe there is something to that. *shrug*

There were a couple that I "wish" they would have tried a kiss lol

Red
 LGG62
Joined: 9/9/2007
Msg: 25
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/25/2012 3:39:22 PM

I am NOT talking a 20 minute first meet. If we have a full date that lasts for hours and I dont get at least a short kiss then you are not feeling it obviously and we are not a match. I am not talking groping, make out session or grabbing you and jamming my tongue down your throat for gawds sakes. I am talking a sweet good night kiss.

I agree with this. Some say it's the second date, I call it the first real date, but either way it's the second meeting. Chances are it's going to be more than just coffee or a drink, so you will be spending at least a couple hours with each other and probably longer. If you don't feel moved to kiss the person (not make out, just a good night kiss), then you aren't attracted to them and shouldn't go on another date with them.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 26
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Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 8/25/2012 5:03:03 PM
My parents are Greek. I was taught to be always be touchy feely when meeting people and saying goodbye. We shake hands, hug, and kiss both cheeks (the face you sick puppies lol). With a woman I like I don't mind opening a door for her but lightly brushing her shoulder or leading her into a restraunt by gently touching her back.

Now, I don't believe in going for a kiss on the first date/meeting, but if the chemistry is there sure why not? I am shy in some aspects, but when it comes touchy feel portion I am not shy that is for sure lol.
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