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 morgain22
Joined: 11/11/2010
Msg: 2
No KetchupPage 1 of 1    
That's good! Cute. Funny. And other than the fight scene, so believable! And in a way, so sad. There are so many people out there who go through life with blinders on. Don't ever throw them a curve-ball, it just causes confusion.

At the beginning of your story, you said you've been "having one of those months". Let's hear another excerpt. Laughter is good!
 carlylyn
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 3
No Ketchup
Posted: 9/8/2012 12:38:30 PM
This is excellent! You have all the essentials of a story ready for publication with a few corrections.
This work shows emotion, humor and is an exaggerated way of showing absuridy to the final degree. You certainly made the point.

I would change and check the spelling and the paragraph/sentence breaks.
For instance:

YOU----Clerk: "Will that be all? Would you like to try one of our new milk shakes? They are quite good."
ME----Clerk: "Will that be all? Would you like to try one of our new milk shakes? They're quite good."

Me: "Didnt I just order one?"
Clerk [looks down at register]: "Oh yes, yes you did! How about some delisious Faux Chicken McNuggets? They are quite good." HERE AGAIN : THE CADENCE NEEDS TO MATCH (not shouting, just wanted it to stand out)
Me: "No thanks, just what ya got."
Clerk: "You know our Milk Shakes are out of this world! Sure you dont want to try one?"


some delisious Faux Chicken McNuggets---delicious

Just that kind of thing....

Between the thought lines, skip a line for deliniation of character and for easier readability.

I would love to see more of your work....
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